The Deal
by Istillwishiwasaweasley
Summary: Lavender Brown returns to Hogwarts for her 'eighth' year with a secret. Her classmates are angry with her and she lets them get on with it because it's better than them knowing the truth. Some secrets are meant to go to the grave with you, aren't they? The deal she made is one of those secrets.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"NO!"

The werewolf is blasted off me and I can breathe easier again. It sounded like my saviour had been Hermione, was that her way of saving she has forgiven me for trying to steal Ron last year? He had never really been mine, not then and not ever.

The sounds of the battle continue around me and I daren't even try to move. I just try to focus on breathing, that's all that's important right now. Breathing.

A piece of the castle wall collapses on my right and falls onto my already broken left arm. I flinch automatically but do not attempt movement. Perhaps I should just pretend to be dead? Was that Gryffindor? I doubt it but it's just so tempting to close my eyes and hope that death carries me away. As a victim of the Final Battle, surely I would be a hero, not a coward?

I heard Flitwick's squeaky voice shout from somewhere but I can't focus on what he's saying. How much longer until we lose? A sharp pain issues from my right ankle and I look down to see that someone had fallen back onto it, were they dead? They aren't moving, I try to see who it is but all I can see is pink hair, that was odd, who would wear pink hair to a battle?

I close my eyes and for a moment, or maybe a long time, the darkness drags me under but then I'm back and everything hurts again. The pink-haired body is still on top of my foot and the battle is still raging on.

"You have fought bravely, valiantly. Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery. Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste. Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately. You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured."

The cold voice continues but I lose its meaning for a moment as a racking, painful bout of coughing hit me, I can taste blood in my mouth. I try to turn my head to spit it out but after a moments effort I am forced to simply swallow it.

Voldemort's voice has stopped now and sounds of disapparating Death Eaters fill the air, there is a moment's shaky silence and then cries of loss ring out, families calling out to each other. I have a brief, fleeting, thought of my parents. Probably stuck in the depths of the Amazon rainforest not even bothering to consider how I am getting on, if I am still alive.

"No! No Tonks… please!" For a moment I don't recognised the voice and then I see that it is Ginny Weasley, crouching over the pink-haired body and shaking it lightly with tears rolling down her face. She cries out again but as I suspected the pink-haired body is no longer capable of answering the youngest Weasley.

A man comes behind her, it must be one of her brothers; he looks too young to be her father. He leans down to comfort his sister, his eyes raking over the dead body before he catches my eye.

"Oh, don't worry. I'll move her." He says softly and Ginny looks up to see who he is talking to.

"Lavender?" She asks as her brother relieves my ankle of the weight of the body. I'm surprised by how scared I am of looking in Ginny's face, the charm it appears was very accurate and it pains me greatly to look in the real Ginny's eyes so instead I close my eyes again, trying to focus on breathing again, that's all that's important. Breathing.

"It's okay, Lavender. My brother will take you into the hall. It doesn't look like you can walk." Ginny's says and I open my eyes but look away from the witch towards her brother. He has long hair, scars on his face, underneath the new cuts, and a fang earing. I definitely haven't met this particular Weasley before.

"Lavender is it?" He asked, I start to nod but then stop as they pain shoots through me.

"Yes, Lavender Brown." Ginny confirms.

"Hi Lavender, I'm Bill Weasley. I'm going to carry you into the hall okay? We'll get you somewhere more comfortable."

I don't respond but I do flinch as he carefully moves the debris that has fallen onto my body and picks me up, probably surprised by how light I am. It's been months since I've had a decent meal. I close my eyes again and when I open them again we are entering the hall, I have no idea where I was in Hogwarts so I'm unsure if I've lost consciousness or just blinked.

"Madam Pomfrey?" Bill asks.

"Student or not?" The Matron asks from somewhere to my right.

"Umm…"

"Student. Lavender Brown." Ginny answers and the nurse must have pointed out somewhere to Bill because we're moving again and he lowers me gently to a bed.

"I'll stay with…" Ginny starts but then she looks up and gasps.

"Bill, who is dad carrying?" She asks, looking at a spot away from me.

"One of the twins, Fred. Come on." He doesn't look down at me but Ginny does briefly.

"I'm sorry Lavender…" She breaks off as a cry of grief fills the room, I suspect it's come from Bill. Ginny runs off and I hear her cry out as well. Fred Weasley must be dead. That's horrible.

I look up at the ceiling and ascertain that I'm in a corner of the Great Hall, on the stage where the teachers eat. The enchanted ceiling is still showing stars but surely it must be close to dawn.

I close my eyes again and when I open them again it is daytime and the atmosphere it the hall is very different, people are cheering and clapping and laughing. It must be over, one way or another. I move my head slightly and see Jimmy Peakes sat up in the bed next to me, he has a bandage on his torso and looks quite pale but he is smiling and that must be good. He notices I am awake and smiles at me.

"It's over Lavender! Harry did it, he beat him! It's over!" I smile briefly but don't say anything and look back up at the blue sky.

Harry Potter has beaten Lord Voldemort. It's all over but is it all done with? Are all the Death Eaters dead or have they fled? The thought that they might be free puts a knife of fear into my heart but I can't dwell on it because I still need to focus on breathing. I wonder with half a brain why Madam Pomfrey hasn't treated me yet? She must be busy, there must be people more important that need saving.

"How are we doing over here?" The Head of Gryffindor, Professor McGonagall, asks, sweeping into the edge of my vision and I realise that Madam Pomfrey must have separated us by houses to keep track of us all.

"I can't believe it's over, Professor" Says a girl whose voice I can't place, I hear McGonagall agree with her and then Jimmy speaks up again.

"Professor McGonagall, I don't think Madam Pomfrey's seen Lavender. She was going to but then everything started again."

McGonagall walks over to me and looks at me carefully. As with Ginny Weasley, I'm surprised by how just looking at her face makes me panic and it gets slightly harder to breathe. McGonagall kneels down and puts her hand on my shoulder and I flinch away from her violently, crying out in pain with the unexpected movement. McGonagall withdraws her hand and looks concerned, I look away from her as she speaks to me.

"It's alright, Miss Brown. You are safe now, it is over. I'll fetch Madam Pomfrey." She stands up and moves away and I can feel a tear make its way down my face without my permission.

Madam Pomfrey arrives and I look away from her again, focussing on a window that is just within my field of vision.

"Right Miss Brown, where does it hurt?" She asks and I do not answer, still looking at the broken window.

"Very well, I shall simply do a charm that informs me of your in…"

"My left arm, my chest, my right ankle and my back…Madam Pomfrey" I croak promptly, anything to avoid her knowing everything. She looks surprised my sudden declaration but waves her wand and the pain is slowly removed from my body, like a splinter from a finger.

"Your back may require more treatment, I shall transfer you to St. Mungo's for a full assessment and…"

"No! I'm fine now, I don't need a full assessment." To prove my point I sit up quickly but a wave of dizziness has me nearly collapse back against the bed.

"Well if you insist then take these potions and stay here for a few hours." The matron says, seemingly too busy with other things to insist I go to the hospital. I take the potions quickly and she nods.

"You will need to rest for a few days, nothing too taxing. Also you are far too skinny so try and eat more, Miss Brown." I nod, pain free this time, and she walks off. Professor McGonagall remains for a moment and I avoid her gaze.

"Are you quite sure you don't wish to go to the hospital, Miss Brown?" She asks and I nod.

"I'm fine, Professor. Just need to take it easy for a few days." I mutter and then I feel her leave and I lean back against the pillows and close my eyes. It's been so long since I have felt no pain that it feels quite odd, almost like I'm missing something.

When I next open my eyes it is early evening and dusk is settling over the hall, I sit up and push the sheets off me. Jimmy has left and there are only a few Gryffindor students left in the area, none of which I have any great desire to talk to so I stand up and walk over to the tables. Students, teachers, families are all sitting mixed together, seemingly regardless of house.

Nevertheless I find myself at the Gryffindor table and sit down next to Parvati, she glances at me for a moment before doing a double take, I suspect she did not recognise me.

"Lavender! Merlin! I didn't know you were here!" She pulls me into a hug and I gasp at how tight it is, it pains me to realise that looking at her face also brings me pain. They really did a number of me, those bastards.

"You look like hell, I didn't recognise you!" Parvati continues as she releases me. I look across the table at Seamus and I'm slightly taken aback to see an almost hostile look on his face. At least it doesn't hurt to look at him.

"Lavender." He acknowledges before looking down at his plate.

I pick up a bread roll with a slightly shaking hand and Parvati passes me the butter.

"Are you alright Lavender? Were you hurt?" She asks. I focus on buttering the roll as I answer.

"Pomfrey fixed me up, are you alright?" I ask.

"Yeah I'm fine, Padma's in St. Mungo's though. I'm going there in a minute."

"Is she going to be okay?" I ask and Seamus makes a snorting noise from across the table so I look at him.

"Go on Brown, act like you care about us!" He spits before slamming his plate on the table and standing up and walking away quickly. I furrow my brow in confusion, why would he think I didn't care?

"Ignore him Lavender, it's nice to see you." Neville says, leaning down the table from next to Luna Lovegood and Professor Sprout. I nod in his direction and try a feeble smile before taking a bite out of the roll, it tastes like heaven.

"I think Padma will be okay, did you hear about Fred?" Parvati continues as if there has been no interruption. I nod, remembering the actions of Ginny and her brother.

"It's horrible, I can't imagine how George must be feeling. I feel ghastly and Pads will probably be fine. Quite a few people didn't make it. I'm glad you're okay though, Lavender. I missed you, Hogwarts wasn't the same without you." She grasps my hand and I have no choice but to look up at her face, it still hurts so I look back at my plate.

So they thought I had left Hogwarts, I guess that explained Seamus's reaction. He thought I had abandoned them, if only they knew the half of it. But they wouldn't, some secrets are better buried, better taken to the grave.

Parvati says goodbye and I'm left on my own, I only manage a roll and a bit of soup before I'm full and feel faintly sick. Neville stands up and walks over to me.

"I'm going to the tower for a sleep, looks like you could do with one too." I nod and stand up, nearly tripping over the bench but Neville catches me and steadies me.

The walk back to the Tower is long and I realise how much of the castle is damaged.

"How many people died, Neville?" I ask as we pass the library.

"About fifty they reckon. Colin didn't make it, tried to sneak back in. I'm glad you came back Lavender, were your parents mad?" He asked and again I'm confused so I look at him and he elaborates. "Your parents, were they mad when you said you were coming back to fight? I can imagine they were if they paid Snape to have you taken out of Hogwarts only for you to come back when it's the most dangerous, very Gryffindor, Lavender!" I make a non-committal noise as I process the new information. So they had been told that my parents had brought my freedom? My parents might be rich enough to do that but there's no way they care enough. I doubt they even noticed there was a war going on, news takes time to reach the depths of the Amazon and even if they knew I doubt they'd come back for me, the mistake that tied them to this boring, cold country until I could finally go to Hogwarts and they could return to their exciting life of travelling Herbologists.

The Fat Lady grants us entry to the tower without a password and Neville mutters a goodbye as we part at the top of the stairs. I push the door open to the seventh year dormitory and feel a pang of sympathy for Parvati as I realise that she must have spent the most of last year alone in here, still I would have given all the gold in the world to have been in here with her.

Hermione Granger is sitting on the edge of her bed, crying softly and I walk over to her, relieved that looking at her face does not bring me pain, only sympathy and curiosity.

"Hermione? Are you alright?" I ask and she starts as she realises she has company.

"Oh, hello Lavender. I didn't know if you'd made it, I'm glad that you did." She says, giving me a weak smile.

"Yeah, thanks for that Hermione. Are you alright, though?"

"Yes, fine, just the relief and the… so many people died Lavender, isn't it horrible?"

"Yes, it's horrible but it's over now, try and focus on that."

"Good idea, I need to sleep, where's Parvati?"

"She's gone to see Padma in St. Mungo's. Do you have any spare pyjamas with you that I could borrow?" I ask because I have no clue where they have put my trunk, or even my wand. Hermione nods and she pulls a mismatched pair of pyjamas from inside a small bag that looks in no way big enough to hold them.

"Undetectable Extension Charm" She answers to my unasked question, I nod anyway. "I think I'm going to sleep with Ron and Harry, it doesn't feel right being without them." I nod but don't reply and she leaves the room and leaves me alone, finally.

* * *

A/N Welcome to another story that is outside of the 'Words' universe, Eliza has never and will never exist here! It's actually quite hard to write Professor McGonagall without her but hopefully I'll manage.

So this is an angst-filled Lavender Brown story, if you want a happy fluffy story then this is not the one for you! I'll update weekly.

Next chapter; Confrontation over breakfast.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

When I wake up it's early, just before dawn by the view from the window. I'm slightly surprised to see that I'm no longer alone in here. I suppose that so many people didn't feel ready to go home yet. Katie Bell is sleeping in Hermione's bed, and Angelina Johnson is in Parvati's, both of them asleep but the tear tracks on Angelina's tell me she's not been asleep for long.

I get up and walk towards the bathroom but before I can get there I hear Angelina muttering in her sleep, calling out for Fred. I walk towards her and shake her gently.

"Angelina, wake up." I say softly, trying not to wake Katie. She jerks awake and looks up at me, confused.

"You were having a nightmare." I say and she nods but then shakes her head.

"This is a nightmare, that was a dream." She says and fresh tears fall down her face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset…"

"It's okay, not your fault. Thanks Lavender. Are you alright?" She asks and I nod and then walk to the bathroom.

Looking at the mirror I hardly recognise myself and I'm not surprised that Parvati did a double take. My normally golden blond hair is dirty, greasy and part of it is burnt away although I'm not sure when that happened. My cheeks are hollow and my eyes look sunken, they took away my beauty which was what singled me out to them in the first place.

I turn away from the mirror and grab the soap before going into the shower and stripping. My body is also thinner and covered with marks, and in some places words that they scratched into me, I doubt they'll ever fade now. I scrub my body hard with the soap and water, trying to wash away the words and the filth, trying to wash away the last seven months.

After an hour I realise that the rest of the marks are going to stay forever, always scarred, always tainted. I put the pyjamas back on and walk into the dormitory and I'm surprised and touched by a clean pair of jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt that Hermione has placed on my bed along with a note.

_Lavender,_

_Thought you might need some clothes, don't worry about getting them back to me._

_Hermione_

I smile automatically although it isn't a full smile, just a slight upturn of my lips at the unexpected gesture. I pull on the clothes and wish I could clean my underwear, perhaps I can borrow someone's wand later.

I leave the dormitory and walk down the stairs into the common room, I can hear Harry and Ginny talking quietly, they turn around as I enter.

"Sorry," I mumble as I cross the room.

"It's okay, are you alright now Lavender?" Ginny asks. I turn back and nod before looking at Harry.

"It's nice to see you, Harry."

"Thanks Lavender, I'm glad you're okay." I nod and leave the room and head to the hall. The castle still looks damaged and I doubt that any repairs will start for a few days. I pass an elderly couple crying softly together and I look away, not wanting to intrude on family grieving.

I sit next to Hermione and I'm pleased to see that her and Ron are holding hands.

"It's about time." I say with half a smile as they look up at me, Ron snorts slightly and nods.

"Alright, Lavender?" He asks. I nod and then look at Hermione.

"Thanks for the clothes, Hermione." She nods and then we sit in a semi-comfortable silence and eat our breakfast, this time last year I could have never imagined that I would be more comfortable with Hermione Granger than Parvati. Last year I could never have imagined any of this.

Another Weasley approaches the table and I feel sure that he's Ron's dad.

"Have you two seen Harry and Ginny?" He asks. They start to shake their head so I answer.

"They're in the common room."

"Oh, thank you, Miss…"

"Brown, sir, Lavender Brown. I've just seen them, they were talking."

"Thank you Miss Brown, I take it you're Castor's daughter?"

"Yes sir," I reply, with no rush of affection towards my father.

"I hope they made it through okay?" He asks kindly.

"I presume so, sir. They didn't fight." I reply. He must sense that I don't want to talk about them so he nods and moves away.

I eat a few pieces of bacon and then I'm full again so just drink tea and wonder faintly what I'm going to do now, how do you move on after a war?

"There's going to be a memorial service this afternoon." Neville says, sitting next to me "McGonagall just told me, then we have to go home so they can repair the castle."

"Don't they need help, to repair?" Hermione asks.

"Not yet, apparently they need a few weeks to prepare the wards, then they want volunteers. Will you come and help?" Neville asks, looking at them all. Ron and Hermione nod but I simply sit, wondering if I can ever come back here. Thankfully Neville doesn't ask me again.

Within half an hour Harry, Ginny, Dean, Luna, Seamus and Parvati have all joined us. Parvati tells us that her sister will be fine and I'm relieved but do not comment, I keep looking at my tea and not at her face.

"Can't believe it's all over." Dean says quietly and everyone nods.

A wave of nausea passes over me and I stand up, planning to go to the bathroom just in case I throw up. I swing my legs over the bench but before I can stand up Seamus speaks and I look up at him.

"Leaving again, Brown?" He asks in his Irish accent.

"Seamus, leave it." Parvati says but I notice that she doesn't sound as annoyed as I would prefer her to sound, perhaps on reflection she agrees with Seamus.

"What's going on?" Ron askes. Down the table a few other people have looked up, including McGonagall and some of the Weasleys.

"Do you want to tell them or should I?" Seamus asks.

"I'm just going to the toilet…" I start but Seamus stands up, seemingly furious with me.

"Mummy and Daddy paid for you to get out early again, did they? Go on Lavender, run along, don't worry about us, I'm sure we'll be fine!" He yells and I feel tears springing to my eyes but I don't even think to correct him because I wouldn't know where to start, McGonagall stands up and moves towards us.

"Mr Finnigan, that is quite enough." She says but Seamus is too angry to keep quiet, the Irish temper in full flow.

"YOU THINK COMING BACK LAST NIGHT MAKES ANY BLOODY DIFFERENCE!"

"It does…" Neville begins but Seamus cuts across him.

"YOU'RE A GRYFFINDOR LAVENDER! A GRYFFINDOR AND YOU BUGGER OFF WHEN THINGS GET HARD! YOU'RE A COWARD, LAVENDER BROWN! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN…"

"Finnigan, that is enough!" McGonagall says again, because now most of the hall is looking at us. The nausea is still in full flow in my stomach but I don't want to run, staying here doesn't seem desirable either.

"I just want to go to the bathroom, Seamus." I say, quietly and looking at the floor.

"GO THEN! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE ANYWAY!" He points his finger towards the door of the hall and I start to walk, Harry grabs my hand.

"Lavender, it's just…" He begins but then I think my face must have changed and he realises that I'm likely to throw up because he lets go of my hand and I run out of the hall. I can hear McGonagall scolding Seamus but how much power does she have now? I doubt she can take points when they currently mean less than nothing.

I'm halfway to the bathroom when I can't run anymore and I throw up near one of the broken windows. I keep heaving for several minutes before I lean against the stone wall and slide down to the floor.

As I'm sitting there I realise how alone I am; my parents don't care and my friends don't seem to either. I start to cry, really cry, like I haven't done in years. After a few minutes I hear footsteps and look up to see someone approaching me. It's Professor Trelawney, she hesitates for a moment before coming closer.

"The fates informed me that you needed someone, dear." She says, sitting next to me on the floor. I highly doubt it was the fates, I more suspect that she saw the scene in the hall and felt sorry for me.

"I'm fine Professor." I lie. She waits for a moment longer before speaking.

"The battle was hard on everyone Lavender, it will get easier with time, you'll see." I nod, not believing but trying to make her feel like she made a difference.

"Professor, could you vanish this…" I point to my pile of vomit, "…I've lost my wand." She nods and vanishes it instantly before standing up and pulling me to my feet.

"Get back to your common room, it will help if you stay around this time." She walks off, clearly thinking she's given me great advice. I hold my mouth to stifle the slight sob that escapes my lips until she's out of ear shot.

This time! It will help if you stay around this time! Everyone thought I had run off, everyone thought I was a coward, no one thought to question me. No one thought to ask what I had supposedly done with my parents during the past few months. Parvati was supposed to be my best friend, she knew of my strained, almost non-existent relationship with my parents and she still thought that they had bought my freedom!

* * *

The memorial service ends but I remain where I am, sat next to a third year Gryffindor who has lost his older brother, his parents are weeping next to him. They stand up and leave and I still stay, wondering what to do now.

I should go home, Flo would be there and I would be nice to see someone that didn't hate me, even if she was a half-blind house-elf. I look up at the small group of my year congregated around McGonagall and wonder if I should join them but then Seamus glares at me, as if daring me to come over, so I turn away.

People leave around me and soon I am one of the last people still sat by the lake, there's a witch a few seats down holding a baby with Turquoise hair, McGonagall comes over to comfort her but I don't listen to the conversation.

I feel McGonagall approaching me but I do not look up at her.

"Lavender, it's time to go home." She says, using my name for one of the first times, ever.

"I don't know how, Professor. I lost my wand." I say softly, looking at the grass, there's a scorch mark on it and I wonder if a hex had hit it.

"You can use the Floo network, from my office. Come on." I stand up and walk with her, slowly through the ruin that I think of as more my home that the townhouse I'm about to return to.

"Contact the Ministry about your wand, they are going to contact foreign wandmakers until Ollivander is ready." I nod but don't reply.

"Lavender, Seamus is just angry that you left, he'll come around, they all will." I take that to mean that everyone is angry, disappointed in me.

"Will your parents be at home?"

"I won't be alone, don't worry." I reply, side-stepping questions about my parents is second nature to me now and McGonagall seems reassured. I realise that we are heading to the Headteacher's office and I am relieved because I have no desire to go through the Transfiguration corridor ever again.

"Well, I'll send out owls for volunteers to help with repairs when we are ready." McGonagall says after she gives the password, I nod, wondering if I will ever return to Hogwarts.

"Lavender, are you okay?" She asks as she pushes open the door and greets the old heads with a short greeting.

"Fine, Professor McGonagall." I reply, still not looking at her.

"Well, if you have a problem I'm sure your parents can sort it out." That hurts, that really hurts but still I do not look at her. As if I could ever talk to my parents about this, as if they care enough to listen.

"Goodbye, Miss Brown." She passes me the Floo powder and I take it, mumbling a thanks that I'm not quite sure she caught.

I step into the fireplace and hold the powder in my shaking right hand and drop it.

"Croydon House!" I say clearly and McGonagall and her new office vanish instantly and I fall out of the fireplace in the townhouse, landing on the rug. The house looks exactly as I left it, my parents have not been here, not that I expected them to.

"Mistress Lavender, Mistress Lavender! You is home, Flo is being very worried!" The house-elf throws itself around my body as I'm still on the rug and I'm so pleased to see her I nearly cry.

"Hello Flo, how are you?" I ask, picking myself up and moving us both to the sofa.

"Flo is well, Flo is keeping the house clean and waiting for Master and Lady Brown and they is not coming but Flo is pleased to see Mistress Lavender. Flo was worried when you is not coming home for the holidays, Flo had heard bad things about Hogwarts!"

"It's okay now Flo, it's over. You-Know-Who has been defeated by Harry Potter."

"Oh, Flo is so pleased to hear it, but what of Mistress Lavender, you is looking sad and thin. Have the elves not been feeding you properly, shall Flo shout at them?" I smile at her and shake my head.

"I was with some bad people who wanted to make me sad, but I'm home now so you can feed me up!" I try and inject some enthusiasm and it seems to work because Flo is nodding and pulling on her ears in excitement.

"Of course Mistress Lavender! Flo will be making you chicken and leek pie with gravy! Flo will start now and Mistress Lavender can relax until dinner."

"Thank you Flo, I'm going to have a bath."

"Good idea, Flo will start it now." The elf runs off and I walk up the stairs and into my small bedroom, open the chest of drawers and pull out an old pair of pyjamas that I hadn't bothered taking to Hogwarts and a dressing gown that I've rarely worn.

I sit on the bed and look around at the room feeling very strange and so relieved. Forty eight hours ago I thought I would die in that room but now here I am, back in my bedroom, back with Flo.

After a long soak in the bath and more rigorous cleaning of scars that won't vanish I walk into the dining room and Flo brings in an enormous pie.

"Flo, I haven't eaten for a long time so I will probably eat less for a while."

"But Mistress Lavender is so skinny, Flo must feed you up!"

"I know Flo, just start with smaller meals otherwise you'll only waste food." Flo nods, still looking distressed and then leaves me to eat alone. Usually I would only spend a few days at home before going to stay with the Patils but I doubt that's an option now. It's going to be a long summer. I should get a job even though the thought of going outside makes me feel sick. I don't need the money but can I bear to live off my parent's extraordinary wealth when I despise them so much?

I eat a small portion of the pie and then Flo takes it away and I go up to bed. I lie back and close my eyes, it only takes moments before the tears come. I roll over and sob, my body shaking and my pillow getting soaked. Flo arrives within a minute.

"Mistress Lavender, what is the matter? Is Mistress Lavender hungry? Is Mistress Lavender sick?" She asks, standing by my pillow and looking at me with her big blue eyes.

"No Flo…" I take a deep breath before continuing, "I'm just sad, I'll be okay soon. Don't worry Flo, go back to bed."

"Flo is worried but Flo will go back to bed as Mistress Lavender commands. Mistress should just call for Flo if Mistress needs anything."

"Thank you Flo." I say, trying to smile. Flo disappears and I let the passable façade slip and continue my sobs.

I am only asleep for a couple of hours before a nightmare wakes me up and I'm convinced I'm back in that room. I can even see their faces hovering above me, judging me and being ashamed of me, of what I have become. I sit up in the bed and call out for Flo.

"Mistress Lavender is calling Flo?" She asks and I can see how distressed she is to see her usually bright and bubbly Mistress so distraught.

"Flo, do we have any dreamless sleep potion?" I ask and Flo disappears immediately to check and returns with a bottle of the potion.

"Thank you Flo, you can go back to bed." Flo nods and disappears again.

I take a dose of the purple liquid quickly and settle back against the pillows. It drags me under and it is blissful, and dreamless.

* * *

_Dear Miss Brown,_

_The time has come to repair Hogwarts to its former magnificence, the staff are calling for volunteers to arrive at the school on Monday the twelfth June at 9am to help._

_I hope to see you there,_

_Professor Filius Flitwick,_

_Deputy Headmaster, _

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry_

I put the letter back on the table and sit back against the sofa. I can't go, I know I can't go. I still don't have a wand although I haven't contacted the Ministry yet so that is entirely my fault.

Nine o'clock come and goes and I simply stare at the letter, imagining everyone greeting each other warmly and then realising I am not there and talking about what a coward I have been again.

"Would Mistress Lavender like some tea?" Asks Flo, looking at me with the permanently worried expression that she now has around me.

"Yes please, Flo." I say and a few minutes later a tea tray is set on the coffee table and I make no move towards it.

"Why is Mistress Lavender still sad? Flo is being worried. Mistress Lavender has been home for six weeks and you is still sad. Should Flo get a Healer? Or find Master and Lady…"

"No!" I shout and the elf flinches at the sudden aggression. "I'm sorry Flo, I didn't mean to shout. Master and Lady Brown don't need to know. I'll be fine." I lean forward to make the tea and Flo edges out of the room still looking worried.

Dreamless sleep potion no longer stop the nightmares, not for a week now and they are brutal and relentless. I have started to put on a bit of weight on my face and my stomach is starting to protrude slightly but I suspect that has nothing to do with the rich food that Flo insists I eat.

I look back at the letter and then lean forward and throw it on the fire. Seamus was right; I am a coward.

* * *

_Dear Lavender,_

_It's Harry's birthday on Sunday and we're having a big party in the Three Broomsticks to celebrate it. I hope you can come, it would be nice to see you again. We'll be there at four._

_Please come, _

_Hermione._

It's now five o'clock on Harry's birthday and I have sent a small gift of chocolates with Flo to put with the others, she returned and informed me that no one saw her so I am relieved. I wish I could go but I can't.

I haven't left the house since I returned and I feel sick whenever I think about leaving it. I have no affection left for the townhouse and I doubt I ever did but it has become my fortress, my fortress of solitude.

Flo has asked again if she can call me a Healer but I can't bear the thought of them confirming what I already know, that one of them has changed my life more than any of the others.

I throw the letter on the fire and watch it burn, one hand gently stroking my stomach.

* * *

_Dear Miss Brown,_

_As I'm sure you are aware the Ministry has decided that, for one more year, students must return to Hogwarts, to undo some of the negative experiences of the last year. Therefore I attach your booklist for the following subjects; Charms, Herbology, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Ancient Runes, Divination and Transfiguration._

_We look forward to seeing you on September 1__st__._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Professor Flitwick,_

_Deputy Headmaster,_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

* * *

_Dear Miss Brown,_

_Further to your recent letter I have spoken to Professor McGonagall and she has allowed you to discontinue Transfiguration in favour of Care of Magical Creatures. I am sorry that you would prefer not to continue at Hogwarts at all but I'm afraid no exceptions have been allowed and therefore I look forward to seeing you in September._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Professor Flitwick,_

_Deputy Headmaster,_

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

* * *

I place the two letters on top of my new trunk and look around at the room. I hate that I have to go back, I asked if I could be excused from the final year but if that were not possible if I could switch Transfiguration for anything else because there is no way I am ever going near that corridor again.

"Has Mistress Lavender got everything?" Flo asks, walking into the room and looking at me with her worried face. I wonder if any other emotions were now possible or if those bastards have changed my house-elf's body now as well as mine.

"I don't think so Flo, can you tell me something though?" I ask, picking up my new wand that I had bought the previous day after putting it off for months and then darting through Diagon Alley when I knew it would be the quietest.

"Of course Mistress Lavender, anything!"

"Can you see my bump when I do this?" I produced a simple glamour spell that I had found in my charms textbook and the bump was disguised instantly, it feels strange but that is better than people knowing.

"No Mistress Lavender, but what is Mistress Lavender going to do when the baby is coming?" Squeaks the elf, I shake my head because I genuinely have no idea, I haven't planned that far ahead yet. I prefer to pretend it's not happening.

"I don't know yet Flo, I've got to go now, thank you for feeding me up and looking after me." I give Flo a small hug and she squeezes me tightly.

"Flo has not done very well, Mistress Lavender is still sad! Will Mistress call me if she needs me?"

"Of course Flo, always."

"And Flo will contact Mistress Lavender if Flo hears from Master or Lady Brown."

"Don't get your hopes up Flo." I mutter and we walk towards the Floo point together. I'm not apparating, not because I'm pregnant and it might harm the baby, but simply because I doubt I could successfully apparate to Kings Cross without splinching myself and I do not want to be sent to St. Mungo's.

The time for cowardice is over now; I have to go back to hell.

* * *

A/N Here's the next chapter, I know we skipped a lot of time but as Lavender explained she literally did nothing all summer.

Next chapter; Back to Hogwarts, Seamus' anger has not diminished, we meet the new Head of Gryffindor (any guesses?), and there's a new perk for the eighth years.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- Where have you been? I thought you'd dropped off the fanfiction universe! Nice to hear from you again, I look forward to your guesses

LUG-14- Lol thanks, I hope you'll at least respect her by the end of this story (if you still don't like her)!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I find an empty compartment on the train quickly and stow my trunk away. I'm already wearing my robes because I don't want to change in front of anyone, I can hide my bump but I can't hide all the scars, all the words, there are ones on my back that I can't reach and I can't bear to look in the mirror to see what they say.

I sit down and watch the parents and families saying goodbye to their children. I realise with a jolt that it's now been four years to the day since I saw my parents, they sent me to Hogwarts for my fourth year telling me they were going on an expedition around South America and they didn't know how long they'd be. I never dreamed it would be longer than a year, four years is ridiculous. I got a postcard from Paraguay a couple of weeks ago so I know they're alive. They never write in the card or enquire about my wellbeing, clearly they think that informing me of their location counts as keeping in touch.

"…here guys!" I look up and see Neville pulling his trunk in, the infamous Gryffindor trio and Ginny Weasley following him.

"Hi Lavender, you look… pretty crap to be honest." Neville says as he sits opposite me. "You look like you've been ill." I latch onto the excuse as it's offered.

"Yeah, summer bug." I grunt and he nods, seemingly convinced. Hermione sits next to me and I'm pleased because I doubt I could cope if Ginny sat there.

"Thanks for the chocolates, Lavender." Harry says and I nod.

"Sorry I couldn't come, I was busy." I say and he smiles. Ginny Weasley snuggles into him and I avoid looking at her.

The others talk quietly as the train pulls away and then Harry and Ron start playing chess, Neville and the others watch and laugh. They sound so happy, so free.

The compartment door opens and Seamus walks in with Dean and Parvati, she looks at me and I see that not replying to her few owls has not gone down well.

"Parents couldn't pay to get you out this time then, Brown?" Seamus asks, sitting down with the others, the compartment expands to fit them. Luna walks in behind them and sits on the floor, for no apparent reason because there is space for her to sit down.

I don't reply to Seamus' question but it appears that he isn't having it.

"Didn't want to help with the rebuild either, Mummy and Daddy busy buying you…?"

"Seamus, just leave it now!" Harry says and I'm surprised that it's him and that he's so firm with his statement.

"You weren't there Harry! She didn't even say goodbye! She just stayed behind after a Muggle Studies class and then she was gone, Professor Carrow had some lovely news for…"

"Lavender, are you okay?" Hermione asks, she can probably feel that I'm shaking just hearing the name is enough to have me struggling with flashbacks. Being in a room with two of the faces that haunt my nightmares isn't helping. Neville leans over and touches my knee in what I'm sure is supposed to be a comforting gesture but I flinch violently and stand up because I have to get out of the compartment.

I topple the chess game and the pieces yell at me as they crash into the floor. Seamus stands up and blocks my path.

"Running away again, Brown?" He yells and I try and push past him but before I can Bill Weasley opens the compartment door.

"Is there a problem here?" He asks. I wonder what he's doing here but then Hermione speaks up.

"Seamus, just let her leave!"

"No, not until she explains herself, I want to know how she can be such a fucking…"

"That's enough. You may not know yet but I'm the new Head of Gryffindor and I really don't want to take points before we even get to Hogsmeade!" Still Seamus doesn't move but then Dean tugs him and he sits down. I step over Luna and reach the new teacher.

"Are you alright, Miss Brown?" He asks.

"I want to leave the compartment please, Professor." I ask and I think he notices the tears so he moves aside and I walk into the corridor. There is a vaguely familiar woman standing behind him and she also moves aside. Weasley closes the door behind me and turns to look at me.

"Miss Brown, are you alright? You don't look well?"

"Just getting over a summer bug, sir. I'll find a quiet compartment and have a sleep." I say, silently thanking Neville for his cover story.

"'verywhere iz full. You may sleep in our compartment if you wish." I realise that this woman is Fleur Delacour, the Beauxbatons champion and I recall Ron telling me that she was engaged to his brother.

"Are you sure?" I ask because I actually would like a sleep before the feast but it seems rude to intrude on their privacy.

"Of course, come on." Professor Weasley says and I follow him and the French beauty to the next compartment and he transfigures the seat into a bed for me.

"Thanks." I mutter, sitting on it and pulling off my shoes.

"No problem, you'd better see Madam Pomfrey after the feast. We'll wake you up before we arrive." I nod although I have no intention of seeing Pomfrey and lie on the bed, rolling over so that the couple can at least imagine that I am not there.

Unsurprisingly a nightmare disturbs my sleep and I'm mortified to find that Professor Weasley has to wake me from it.

I sit up quickly and wipe the sweat from my face.

"Sorry." I say and he smiles understandingly.

"Don't apologise, it's understandable. We were about to wake you up anyway, we're nearly there. Perhaps Madam Pomfrey can give you a dreamless sleep potion."

"Perhaps, thanks." I reply and leave the compartment. I linger in the corridor until we pull into Hogsmeade. Weasley and his wife leave their compartment first.

"Like I said, I'm the new Gryffindor head, let me know if there's a problem with any particular students." I nod and he leaves, the compartment door opens and Neville comes out first carrying my trunk.

"Oh, there you are, here you go."

"Thanks Neville." I say, relieving him of it.

"I'll walk with you." I smile and we leave the train together. I feel strangely protected next to Neville, he's changed so much since first year and he now commands the respect, and not the ridicule, of the other students.

We join a carriage with some Hufflepuffs, all of which greet both me and Neville warmly. Neville talks with them happily as the Threstrals, that I suspect a majority of the older students can now see, carry us up to the school. I keep my eyes on the Threstral and not the faces of the girls. The charm was too realistic.

We arrive at the school and Neville helps me out of the carriage and I thank him quietly. The Hufflepuffs continue talking to us until we part in the Hall. I sit next to Neville on the Gryffindor table and wish that I could skip the feast.

"I don't think you're a coward, Lavender. You came back to fight." Neville says simply and I nod in gratitude before replying.

"I'd rather not talk about it Neville."

"Of course, so how was your summer?"

"Quiet, I just stayed home mostly." I reply, and mostly is really stretching the truth because I only left the townhouse once to buy new clothes, school things and a new wand. My old wand, Dragon heartstring and Chestnut is most likely still somewhere in Hogwarts and Mr Ollivander was most reluctant to sell me my new wand. I spent nearly an hour in his shop, past closing time before he finally parted with the new wand, Phoenix feather and Hawthorn. He informed me that my old wand was more suited to a materialistic and giggly witch but this new wand presents itself to witches and wizards going through periods of inner turmoil. Apparently he only ever sells Hawthorn wands to people with proven talent and he was unsure why the wand had chosen me. He warned me that it might backfire and to owl him if there were any problems. So far there have been none but I still miss my old wand.

"Are your parents still mad?" He asks as Ron and Hermione sit next to me and Harry and Ginny sit down opposite us.

"They're travelling." I say.

"Who's travelling?" Ron asks, but I don't reply because Seamus has sat nearby and he and Parvati are glaring daggers at me.

"Lavender's parents," Neville answers and Ron nods. I told him about my parent's apathy towards me during one of the few times we actually talked when we were dating.

"They must need a nice holiday…" Parvati starts but this time Dean interrupts her.

"Can't you two give it a rest, ever?" He asks and I look at him surprised. I wonder what happened to him during the war that he now feels he should defend me from his and my former best friends.

Professor Flitwick arrives and brings in a larger than average group of first years, last year there were only seven that made it through the Ministry's screening process but this year there are over fifty at least. The sorting takes nearly forty-five minutes and by the end of it Ron's stomach is grumbling loudly and Ginny starts laughing quietly, something's never change. Professor McGonagall stands up.

"I will give the notices and welcome speech after we have eaten." She says calmly and I can detect a slight nervousness in her voice and it unnerves me slightly but I don't look at her properly because it hurts, just being across from Ginny and Parvati is hard enough.

The food appears and I eat half a jacket potato and then stop because everything else on the table makes me feel faintly sick and I have no desire to run from the hall with everyone watching. The puddings arrive and I have a couple of scoops of ice cream. Ron's stack of puddings is larger than his head and I see Hermione, complete with new Head Girl badge, smiling. I look across at Harry and I'm not surprised to see that he is the new Head Boy, which makes sense.

The food vanishes again and everyone looks towards the staff table. I focus on a candlestick in between McGonagall and Flitwick rather than looking at the new Headmistress, I doubt she'll notice.

"Well, welcome to another year at Hogwarts. The events of the past year were horrific and all the staff will be willing to listen to any student who is struggling at any time. We can move forward together." There is a small amount of applause. "We have several new staff members, the first is Professor William Weasley, who will be the new Ancient Runes teacher and Head of Gryffindor." Again applause and I recall that the previous Ancient Runes teacher was killed in the final battle. "Professor Slughorn has consented to continue teaching Potions and will also take on the role of Head of Slytherin." More applause. "Professor Baker will take on the role of Muggle Studies Professor." People clap quietly, again remembering the death of Professor Burbage. "Professor Delacour-Weasley will teach Transfiguration up to OWL standard and I shall continue teaching the NEWT classes for this year only." Enthusiastic applause no doubt due to the French girl's appearance. "The new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher will be Professor Doge." Applause for the ancient man rings out, he looks too old and I recall he went to school with Dumbledore.

"That is all the staff changes, another change is that the students who are in the so-called eighth year will have their own house common rooms and individual rooms located near the current house common rooms. They may leave the school for weekends if they wish but they must inform their head of house where they are going and when they expect to return. Should there school work suffer as a result of this privilege it can, and will be revoked. The forbidden forest is still forbidden, Quidditch tryouts will be at the end of the week, Quidditch captains should inform Madam Hooch when they wish to hold tryouts. Finally I wish for us all to have a two minute silence to remember all the heroes and heroines who died during both of the wars with Voldemort. Please stand." There is a slightly hissing when she says Voldemort but then everyone stands up and is respectfully silent. A large part of me wishes that I was being remembered and not doing the remembering.

"Thank you now off to bed, first years people follow your prefects. Eighth years remain behind to be spoken to by your Head of House. Goodnight." The benches scrape the stone floor as most of the students leave the hall but I remain seated, as do the people around me, except Ginny who rushes forward to escort the first years.

Professor Weasley makes his way towards us and then sits on the table as he addresses us. McGonagall is hovering within earshot and I wonder if she is finding the transition difficult.

"Right well I think I met you all of the train but I just wanted to say hello and show you to your new common room. First of all, feel free to come with me at any time with problems or issues. Incidentally I don't want to see anything like what I saw on the train again, it's time to move on and grow up. You're all of age now so acting like kids won't go down well." I blush and keep my eyes on my lap.

"Let's get to the common room." We all stand up and I trail after the others on the way out of the hall, McGonagall comes to walk next to me but I do not comment.

"You do not look well, Miss Brown. Do you need to see Madam Pomfrey?" She asks as we enter the entrance hall.

"I'm fine Professor, just getting over a summer bug. I saw a Healer the other day." I lie and I suspect she knows that I have but she lets it go.

"I was surprised that you didn't come to help with the rebuild."

"I was busy." I lie again.

"I heard what happened on the train, perhaps if you had helped with the rebuild you would have regained their trust?"

"Or perhaps it wouldn't have made any difference."

"I was sorry to hear that you have decided to discontinue Transfiguration, is there any particular reason?"

"No." I'm surprised by how easy it is to keep lying to people.

"I thought you wanted to enter the Department for Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, is that no longer the case?"

"I'm not sure I…" I stop walking because the ice cream I ate for dessert seems to have hit my stomach like a bat and I suddenly feel quite sick. "Excuse me." I mumble and thankfully the toilets are quite close to. I run to them and manage to get to the loo just in time to throw up most of my dinner. I dry-heave a few more times and then walk to the sink to splash some water on my face, looking up at the mirror I see McGonagall staring back at me looking quite concerned and I jump, not expecting to see her and then look down to avoid her reflection.

"Perhaps you should go to the hosp…"

"I'm fine." I snap and then I'm distracted by my wand falling to the ground. McGonagall reaches for it and passes it back to me.

"Thanks." I mumble, taking it from her and putting it back in my pocket. We start to walk out of the bathroom and I'm surprised to see that the other Gryffindors waited for me, along with Professor Weasley.

"Hogwarts food not the standard that Mummy and Daddy give you, Brown?" Seamus says, looking at me with mutinous eyes.

"That is enough Finnagan, I've already given you a warning." Professor Weasley says and then he looks towards his new boss and I can tell his worried about this mutiny in his eighth years.

"Let's get to the common room, I want to talk to all of you." McGonagall says and we start walking, again McGonagall remains by my side.

"New wand?" She asks and I nod. "It looked like an Ollivander?"

"Yes, I got it last week."

"What did you use during the summer?"

"I didn't."

"Explains why you didn't help with the rebuild."

"Does it." I speed up slightly and fall in next to Neville because McGonagall questioning me and pitying me is more than I can handle. Neville seems quite happy to be back at Hogwarts and he talks easily with Hermione and Ron who are walking with him.

We arrive at a new portrait hole next to the Fat Lady, the guardian of the new common room is a young girl, perhaps just sixteen and she looks vaguely familiar.

"Ariana?" Hermione askes and she nods but does not speak.

"Yes, the guardian of the new common room is Ariana Dumbledore and the password is currently bravery," Seamus snorts and McGonagall shoots a glare in his direction before continuing, "you may change it in a few weeks but please inform us of any chances. Bravery." Ariana opens the doorway and we all climb through. I stumble slightly but Ron steadies me and I thank him with a small smile.

The common room is similar to the standard Gryffindor common room but it is smaller and cosier, there is a large fireplace and eight chairs and a sofa surrounding it. There is also a couple of tables and a few bookshelves that I can see Hermione is already itching to go and investigate.

"Right, take a seat." We all sit down, I take the armchair furthest away from Seamus and Parvati and then I am oddly touched when Dean sits next to me.

"Now, as you are all of age the rules for you will be slightly different." McGonagall starts and Ron grins.

"Like how?" He asks, leaning forward, Hermione looks at him and smiles.

"Well, as I said at the feast, you will be allowed home at weekends if you wish. You need to inform us though and let us know when you expect to be back."

"Do we have to go home or can we go anywhere?" Dean asks from the right of me.

"You are free to go anywhere Mr Thomas, as long as you don't come back inebriated then I don't think we should have any problems. However if you, for example, receive a weekend detention that will take precedent. Also if your grades drop the weekend privileges will be revoked." Everyone nods, looking pleased.

"What about this common room? Can friends from other houses come in, or other years?" Neville asks, with a furtive look at Harry.

"Yes, as long as they are with one of you, do not break curfew, and do not know the password then it should be fine."

"And Potter if I find my little sister in here too often…" Professor Weasley breaks off and Harry laughs and nods.

"Got it." He says and even McGonagall looks to be hiding a smile.

"And finally," McGonagall says, looking around at all of us before continuing "I know last year was difficult for all of us…"

"Most of us." Parvati mutters.

"All of us! But I will not tolerate infighting between this group of Gryffindors. I like to think that I steered you better than that in your previous years here. You are all Gryffindors and you all deserve to be in this house." Seamus seems to supress a snort with difficulty and it appears that out new Head of House has reached the end of his tether with the Irish boy's attitude.

"Detention, Mr Finnegan, Saturday, three pm." Seamus glares at me as if I issued the detention but does not comment.

"Another matter that has been brought to my attention is that a number of you are suffering from nightmares following the events of the past few years." I look at Professor Weasley but he shakes his head slightly to indicate that McGonagall is not talking about me. "Professor Flitwick has charmed your rooms so that silencing charms will not work and a staff member will be alerted if you are in distress…" I am horrified but Hermione is the one to protest loudest.

"But Professor! Surely the staff don't want to be woken up?"

"There will be a rota system, Miss Granger. We need to know if you are having trouble sleeping, if it is a problem Madam Pomfrey will be informed. Last year was horrific for all of us and the best way to heal is together, supporting each other."

"Will the charms allow the rest of us to hear if someone is having a nightmare?" Harry asks and Ron looks eager to know the answer.

"No, but if you would also like another housemate to be alerted we can modify the charms tomorrow." Ron and Harry look comforted but Hermione still looks upset and I understand her emotions.

I drift away from the discussion for a moment and am brought back to awareness by a tap on my elbow by Dean, it startles me and I jump, everyone is looking at me but I don't have the faintest idea why.

"I asked if you have any questions, Miss Brown." McGonagall asks and I shake my head, looking at the floor. She and Weasley bid goodnight to the group and leave the room.

"Get to bed, Lavender, you look like death warmed up." Dean says and I nod.

"Thanks Dean." I say and I hope it conveys the thanks that he has stuck by me and is not in the same thought group as Seamus and Parvati.

"It will just take time, Lavender."

"Yeah, night Dean." I stand up and walk away from the group, not wishing any of the goodnight. I find the room with my name on and push it open.

It's a moderate size room with a large four-poster bed, a dressing table with a mirror and a small bathroom attached and I'm relieved that I don't have to share this year. I lock the door behind me and then remove the charm that conceals my bump.

I walk towards my trunk and start unpacking, wondering vaguely how far along I am. It must be at least seven months. I know I should tell someone but I can't bear the thought of anyone knowing, judging me. I could just imagine Seamus' reaction if he thought I spent my 'time hiding with my parents' sleeping around on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean.

I run a bath and sink into it, it's been such a long day and I know tomorrow will be even longer. I dread having to face all the other girls, seeing their faces. The female teachers will be a problem, I dodged a bullet with dropping Transfiguration but I'll still have to deal with Sprout and Trelawney, the former will probably too busy to notice me but the latter always hovers over me in class. I fear I will spend too much time with Hermione, one of the few faces that doesn't fill me with fear, she'll probably hex me within a week.

I scrub myself thoroughly as I do every morning and night but still the scars remain, a stubborn reminders of what they did to me, of what I am.

As I climb into bed I realise I should hide my bump again, if I have a nightmare which I undoubtedly will, I don't want any of the staff to figure out my secret. I wonder about Hermione's nightmares as I close my eyes, I imagine that everyone will be sympathetic, I imagine that Ron will comfort her and it makes me feel lonely, not that I want a boyfriend. Just a friend would be nice.

* * *

A/N So we're back at Hogwarts, yay!

Allen Pitt- Her parents are Herbologists so they've been studying plants, I have missed your theories!

Farrafelpies- I know, I am mean to her!

LUG-14- She will have someone to trust, any guesses?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As I suspected it is only half one when I am awoken from a horrendous nightmare. I jerk awake and I'm horrified to see that it's McGonagall that has woken me up, she's standing over me just like the charm did and I throw myself away from her with such force that I fall out of the other side of the bed. McGonagall moves round the bed and I put my hands in front of my eyes for a moment to prepare myself for her face.

"Miss Brown, you are safe, you are at Hogwarts." I sob slightly, as if Hogwarts is safe?

"I shall fetch Madam Pomfrey."

"No! I'm fine, it was just a nightmare." I say, pulling myself back up onto the bed and flinching away from her touch as she tries to help me.

"It was not just a nightmare Miss Brown, you are clearly ill and you are quite clearly struggling with what…"

"I said I'm fine." I yell and for a moment she looks quite shocked and I look away because I can't stand looking at her.

"Miss Brown, have I done something to offend you? Or upset you? First you drop Transfiguration when I know you enjoyed it and now this, you can barely look at me."

"I'm sorry I woke you, Professor." I say, side-stepping her question and her concern. I didn't know she would continue teaching Transfiguration but clearly she is offended by my decision to drop it. I did enjoy it but I would rather die than go back to that corridor.

"I shall ask Madam Pomfrey for a potion."

"There's no need."

"There is clearly a need, you had a nightmare on the train as well I have been informed, you look like you haven't slept properly in months."

"The potion won't work, it hasn't since July." I say honestly because I really do crave a good night sleep.

"Have you tried talking about your nightmares? What have your parents said?"

"They're travelling."

"Which potions have you used?"

"I'm not sure, the standard ones."

"Then I shall speak with Madam Pomfrey and Professor Slughorn in the morning."

"Fine."

"Talking may help, Miss Brown."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"You didn't, Miss Granger woke me, she also had a nightmare. She is having a cup of tea in the common room, perhaps you could join her." I am about to decline but then I feel the baby kick and I know I won't get much more sleep now that it's awake so I nod and McGonagall passes me my dressing gown and I follow her and join Hermione by the fire. McGonagall conjures another tea tray and I sit down.

"Send a house-elf if you need me girls, I am on duty all night."

"Thank you, Professor McGonagall." Hermione says, tear tracks evident on her face. McGonagall leaves and I stare at the fire. The baby kicks again and I adjust position and pour out some tea.

"Are you okay, Hermione?" I ask, looking up at her, thankful that I can look her properly in the face so that she can hopefully see that I am sincere.

"Yes, I will be. It's getting better anyway. Are you alright, Lavender? You look like you've been struggling."

"I'm fine, just wish I didn't have to come back. How are you supposed to move forward if you have to go back?" I ask.

"I suppose we're supposed to confront the past and… rewrite the future."

"I think I'd rather run off, Seamus is right, I am a coward."

"You came back Lavender, you nearly died, and you were brave. Seamus will get over it, and Parvati. Everyone else is glad you're here." I can't get comfort from her words because I didn't come back to fight, I had always been here, and if I'd had my wand and been uninjured I would have run off and hidden, I know I would have. I decide to change the subject and confront a different part of my past that I share with Hermione Granger.

"I'm sorry about sixth year Hermione, about Ron. I shouldn't have dated him."

"It was a long time ago, don't worry. You probably refined his technique anyway." I look at her for a moment and then we both burst into giggles and it feels ridiculously unnatural because I haven't laughed for nearly a year.

"It feels like a lifetime ago. He was always yours though." I say and Hermione nods.

"I think he was, just had to realise I was a girl and not a walking dictionary that made him do his homework."

We talk about meaningless things for another thirty minutes and then Hermione goes back to bed and I stay up, watching the fire.

At just past three by the clock above the fire Professor McGonagall runs back in and I don't think she even notices me before running into Dean's room. She emerges ten minutes later and it appears Dean did not want to leave his bed. McGonagall is halfway across the common room before she notices me.

"Miss Brown, why are you still up?"

"Couldn't sleep," I say and it's the truth because the hidden baby is currently kicking me in the ribs. "I'll try again in a minute, Professor." Another lie but she seems reassured and she leaves me in peace.

* * *

I drag myself back to bed at five when the baby has stopped wriggling and I manage to sleep through until my alarm at seven. I feel ridiculously queasy and even the thought of breakfast sends me running to the toilet to throw up. I manage to have a shower, scrubbing away at the scars, and then dress in my uniform. I pull my hair into a messy plait; I never bother with my appearance anymore. I don't even wear make-up because I have no desire to make myself more appealing to the opposite sex.

I do curse myself for not bringing foundation though because I am so pale that I fear someone, Neville perhaps, will comment on it. I make a mental note to buy some at the weekend in Hogsmeade.

I join the other eighth years at breakfast and have half a glass of pumpkin juice and a piece of toast before I'm full.

"You should eat more, Lavender. You've lost too much weight." Ron says and I'm surprised that he cares enough. Hermione nods along encouragingly.

"I'm not really hungry this morning." I say and no one comments. After a few more minutes of comfortable silence I see the new Head of Gryffindor making his way down the table handing out timetables.

It takes about fifteen minutes before he reaches us and I am, predictably, the first to receive my timetable.

"Here you go, Miss Brown. And Madam Pomfrey is expecting you after breakfast, you have a free period."

"I don't need to see…"

"Professor McGonagall disagrees, as do I so, Madam Pomfrey is expecting you." I bite back a retort and accept the timetable without further comment. I glance down at today's lessons; after the free period I have Herbology, Ancient Runes and Defence. I slip the timetable into my bag and stand up.

"Where are you going?" Professor Weasley asks, in the middle of passing Hermione her timetable.

"The toilet, is that alright or do I need everyone to comment on that too?" I snap.

"I'll let that attitude slide for now, Miss Brown, I hear you had a rough night." I long to retort again but a wave of nausea hits me so I walk out of the hall and then break into a run when I reach the corridor.

I wait in the bathroom for half an hour, sitting on the toilet with the cubicle locked, wondering how I'm going to stop Madam Pomfrey from figuring out the truth. I would refuse to go but I suspect it will only make it worse. I'm just going to have to hope for the best. I dry my tears and leave the bathroom.

"Hey, you okay?" Hermione asks and I jump in shock because I didn't see her.

"Oh, Hermione, you startled me! I'm fine, don't you have class?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I've got a free period, do you want me to come to the hospital wing with you?" I smile because it's sweet of her to ask but shake my head.

"I'll be fine, thanks for checking on me though."

"You're welcome. I know how horrible nightmares can be and I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks Hermione, that means a lot." I say and I'm being entirely truthful because I fear that I will be spending a lot more time with Hermione this year, just because I can bear to look at her.

I walk to the hospital wing slowly because there are still some girls walking to their classes and I fear looking at them. I walk the long way to avoid the Transfiguration corridor and then I realise that I'll have to alter my route for most of my classes. Even the hospital wing is closer to that part of the castle than I would like but I force myself to push open the doors. I'm unsurprised to see that Professor McGonagall is waiting with the nurse. I walk up to them and keep my eyes on the floor, I do not greet them.

"Right Miss Brown, I understand you have been struggling with nightmares. Pop yourself up on the bed and I'll examine you." Madam Pomfrey says.

"I'm fine, I don't need examining."

"I hear you had a bug over the summer, it explains your paleness and weight loss. What bug was it?"

"I can't remember."

"Which Healer did you see?"

"I can't remember. I really am fine now; if I could just get more sleep then I'd be fine." I say and I look at a spot slightly to the right of the nurse.

"Which sleep potions have you used?"

"Dreamless and umm… the green one."

"I know it, when did they stop working?"

"The dreamless one after a couple of weeks and the green one lasted about a month."

"I will speak to Professor Slughorn, I will need to examine you…"

"No, I don't need examining. I'm fine."

"You are clearly not fine, Miss Brown!" McGonagall sounds angry and I feel obliged to look at her but the facial expression is so similar to the charm that I gasp and take a step back, dropping my eyes to the floor.

"Can I go now?" I ask, my breathing has suddenly got harder and I worry that I might have a panic attack. I feel the two witches step closer to me and I flinch away, breathing is harder again, just like the battle.

The flashback of the werewolf on my hits me so quickly and I scream and drop to the floor. Someone has caught me and I feel myself lifted to the bed, I have to pull myself together because if the nurse examines me it's all over, everyone will know and they will all hate me more than they do now.

The only think I can manage to do is to pull my legs up to my chest. I can still see faces that aren't there but two of them are and it's hard to differentiate between the ones that I know are real and the ones that aren't. I should have let Hermione come with me, I know which side of my imagination she is on.

I feel a potion forced into my mouth and close my mouth against it because I don't know what it is and I need to know before I take it.

Suddenly the flashback ends and I realise that Hermione is standing at the end of the bed talking to McGonagall.

"…didn't say anything, Professor." Hermione says, looking at me. I focus on her face and try to reign myself in, I have to stay in control.

"I'm… okay…" I breathe.

"Miss Brown, can you hear me?"

"Yes, sorry, I'm fine now, can I go?" I close my eyes as I answer.

"You are clearly not fine, take this calming potion, now." I take the potion and it helps, I relax but still cling onto my legs, terrified to expose my hidden stomach to the matron.

"That's better, I'm sorry." I say, it feels so much better that I almost want to cry.

"Lavender, what happened to you?" Hermione asks, I look down at her and the temptation to tell her everything is almost overwhelming but I can't.

"Nothing, just a flashback, from the battle, before you saved me." She smiles slightly but I can tell she's not convinced.

"What happened in the battle, Miss Granger?" McGonagall asks. I nod, letting her tell the story. Madam Pomfrey is still trying to get me to lie down properly but I resist her.

"I was running past Lavender and Greyback was on her, I blasted him off." She says simply. McGonagall turns to look at me but I keep my eyes on my knees.

"Were you bitten?"

"No Professor, he was just… licking the blood. I was already hurt." I shudder slightly and the nurse puts a reassuring hand on my back, thanks to the potion I do not flinch.

"How were you hurt? Before Greyback?" McGonagall asks.

"I can't remember." It's actually true because my memory of how I got from the Transfiguration corridor to wherever I was found is foggy. I was already injured in the room but I have no idea how I made it out of there.

"How did you get into the Hall?" Madam Pomfrey asks.

"Ginny found me, another person fell on me, someone she knew, they had pink hair…"

"Tonks."

"Yeah that was what she said, anyway Professor Weasley came over and realised I was still alive and carried me into the hall."

"Did they stay with you?"

"No, someone brought Fred's body in and they ran off. I passed out and when I woke up it was all over."

"I was just about to treat you when the fighting started again. Please lie down, let me check you out properly."

"I'm fine, honestly. I need to get to Herbology."

"You should stay here, you're on a calming potion."

"Please, I really want to go to Herbology." I beg because I do actually want to start classes, get distracted my work. I also worry that if I fall asleep here Pomfrey will examine me.

"I'll bring her back if she feels ill," Hermione says and I nod at her gratefully.

"Very well, I will bring you some Potions this evening. Don't let Professor Sprout let you near any fast plants, just simple work." I nod and sit up. It's amazing how much better I feel.

"I really feel you should talk to someone about your nightmares, Miss Brown." McGonagall says and I lie and tell her I will.

I walk out of the hospital wing with Hermione and she heads off towards the Transfiguration corridor but I hesitate.

"Can we go the other way? I need to get my bag."

"Of course." We walk in silence and I feel I really need to thank her because if she hadn't been there I doubt the flashback would have ended so soon.

"Thanks Hermione, I really mean it."

"You're welcome, I wanted to see Madam Pomfrey about a sleep potions anyway. It looked like a bad flashback, they were about to stun you."

"It didn't feel that long."

"About fifteen minutes from what I saw, Madam Pomfrey tried to make you take a potion but you kept knocking her away. What triggered it?"

"I can't remember," I lie because how can I explain that merely looking at McGonagall's face made breathing difficult which reminded me of the battle.

I grab my bag and I'm relieved when we get out of the castle and into the greenhouses, the air is fresher in here.

"Right pair up!" Sprout shouts and I'm relieved that Hermione joins me at the bench leaving Harry and Ron to work together.

"We'll be podding Raediscur beans for potions, they can be bouncy but try not to let too many escape."

The works is oddly therapeutic, I probably let too many beans escape but it's nice to focus on something. I'm almost smiling until Sprout unexpectedly comes up behind me and I jump and drop the entire bowl of beans which bounce all over the floor.

"Everyone try and catch them, they are valuable!" Sprout shouts as everyone tries to catch the bouncing beans. I remain where I am because she really made me jump and I can feel the potion wearing off.

"Ten beans are worth fifty Galleons!" Sprout yells, diving behind a biting begonia.

"Don't worry Professor, Lavender's Mummy and Daddy will pay." Seamus shouts, the only other person not trying to catch the beans. I look at him and he glares at me before turning back to his bench.

"Detention Miss Brown, for carelessness."

"But Professor, Madam Pomfrey gave her a calming draught." Hermione says quietly, after the commotion has settled down.

"Oh, you should have said, we'll say no more about it Miss Brown." She smiles at me reassuringly and I feel tears spring to my eyes. I nod and look away.

Hermione and I walk to Ancient Runes together and I'm glad we're the only Gryffindors taking this class. We sit at the front and Professor Weasley looks at my face carefully and I avoid his gaze, hoping that the tears do not show.

He sets us a translation to see the standard we are all at and then moves around the class introducing himself to the other eight students. Pansy Parkinson leans across the aisle and puts her hand on my desk, I don't look up at her but I do listen.

"Never heard of some foundation Brown, looks like the war stole your looks, as well as your friends!"

"Get lost, Parkinson!" Hermione says from next to me. Professor Weasley walks towards us.

"Is there a problem here?"

"No, Professor." Pansy says, returning to her word.

I focus on my translation but the meaning is lost, they did take everything from me. But they gave me nightmares, and a baby that I have no idea what to do about.

The lesson ends and I pass my half completed translation to Weasley who predictably asks me to remain behind. Hermione tells me she'll wait outside and I nod. The door closes and I look up at the new teacher.

"I'll finish it tonight sir."

"I'm not worried about that, what did Parkinson say to you?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I'm not saying I'll take it further, I just want to know. I want to know that you can come to me if you are having problems with your peers."

"Fine, anything else?"

"Not for now, please complete this translation this evening." I snatch it back from him and leave the classroom without another word.

"I'll see you later Hermione, going to make a start on this before lunch." I lie and walk back to the common room alone. I run into my room and slam the door behind me before lying on my bed and closing my eyes, just a moment's peace. I remove the charm and the bump pops out, I stroke it absent-mindedly, it feels like a time bomb inside me. When the time is up everyone will know what happened, everyone will hate me.

A sudden craving for pumpkin juice has me wiping away my tears, disguising my bump again and walking to the Hall. I sit on my own at the furthest point from the teachers table and drink two glasses of juice in quick succession. I feel eyes on me so I look down the table and see Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione all looking at me, clearly discussing me in detail. They look away and so do I.

"Hi Lavender, good morning?" Neville asks, sitting across from me.

"Alright, how about you?"

"Oh, quite good thanks. Herbology was good."

"Not for me, do you think Sprout will ever forgive me?"

"She's fine about it, I stayed behind and found them all, I had a free period."

"Thanks Neville." I say and I really mean it.

"No problem, aren't you eating?"

"I already did." I lie but he doesn't look convinced.

"Lavender, you know you can talk to me right?" He asks, reaching out to hold my hand but I retract it.

"Sorry Neville, I know I can but I can't."

"Why?"

"I don't want you to hate me as well." I say honestly.

"No one hates you…"

"Seamus does, Parvati does and I do." I say, tears springing up behind my eyeballs.

"Lavender what happened to you? Were you hurt?"

"I can't talk about it."

"Can't or won't?"

"Does it make a difference?" Neville nods but I shake my head and leave the table.

* * *

The rest of the week passes fairly quickly, a few scathing comments from Seamus and Parvati earn them both detentions. Neville and Hermione try to talk to me and then to my great surprise so does Ron. I shoot them all down but they keep trying and part of me fears when they will stop.

The nights are getting better, the new sleep potion is stronger but I read somewhere about sleep potions impacting unborn babies so I know I need to come up with another plan. It comes to me during my last class of the week, Charms. Professor Flitwick is discussing the DA with Neville and I remember the Room of Requirement. After class I walk straight there and turn in a circle three times thinking; _I need a place to sleep where no one will hear me_. After the third circle the door opens and I'm relieved to see a large four poster bed, the rest of the room is bare but I only need the bed.

Now I'm sat in the Common Room working on my Care of Magical Creatures essay, it's a small class, only four students, but it's nice to be outside and Hagrid's enthusiasm is infectious. Hermione is sat next to me working on a Potions essay.

"Are you all here? Yes, excellent." Professor Weasley has come in and is standing in front of the fire.

"I've decided that we're going to spend some time together, every Friday evening talking about the war."

"What?" Ron yells, from near his bedroom door. "Why?"

"We are all going to sit down and talk through our roles in the war." I share a look with Hermione who is looking uncomfortable.

"I can't talk about everything," Harry says and Hermione nods.

"No, of course not Harry, I'm not asking you too, just everyone come and sit." I walk over and sit next to Neville.

"I'll start." Weasley says. He enters into a story and I don't listen. I realise that his wife is sitting next to him and she looks surprisingly pale, almost ill. She looks at her husband with such love that it's almost painful to look at.

At some point Neville starts his story and I find his voice oddly comforting. I must drift to sleep because a nightmare jerks me awake and Neville is looking at me, worried.

"You okay?" He asks.

"Yeah, sorry I drifted off." I mumble.

"War stories not worth your attention?" Parvati says and I'm so close to breaking point with the snide comments that I nearly snap at her. Instead I sit up properly and look to Professor Weasley.

"Lavender, would you like to share what happened to you?" The use of my first name is unnerving and I don't like it.

"No." I reply.

"Everyone else has shared Lavender." I'm startled to hear this but Hermione nods, tears are pouring down her face.

"Nothing happened to her, she's got you all worried with this fake personality to hide the real Lavender Brown, the coward!" Seamus says and my tether has been reached.

"JUST SHUT UP SEAMUS, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING… ABOUT ANYTHING! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" I'm on my feet and Seamus stands up too. Professor Weasley also gets to his feet but I think he's going to see what happens, see if I let anything slip.

"COME ON THEN, WHAT WAS YOUR GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE WAR? HOW MANY LIVES DID YOU SAVE?"

"A DAMN SIGHT MORE THAN YOU!" I yell in spite of my resolve not to let anything slip, Seamus laughs.

"COME ON BROWN! THE ONLY THING YOU'VE EVER BEEN GOOD FOR IS A GOOD SHAG!" I forget I have a wand and slap him hard across the face before flying at him, trying to hurt him just as much as he's just hurt me. I have my hands around his throat before someone's pulling me off, holding my arms back and I panic, thinking back to another set of arms holding my, pulling me from the Muggle Studies classroom.

I try and find Hermione's face because I know she's the only one who can get me to focus but I can't find her. There are other faces some of them I know are real, Neville, Professor Weasley. But others I'm not so sure of I can see Ginny Weasley, Professor McGonagall, Susan Bones. I can't figure out the line between reality and imagination but I know I need to because if they stun me it's all over, all over.

"Stay away from… me! Don't… don't touch me!"

"Lavender!" The voice sounds familiar but I can't place it and that frightens me more.

"It's… it's not real… not real… deals over… Hermione, please!"

Suddenly Hermione's there and I reach out for her and cling to her because I know that she's real and I know she won't hurt me. She hugs me back and I try and focus on her voice.

"…okay, Lavender. You're safe now. You're at Hogwarts…"

"Hogwarts… not safe, Hermione. It's not safe." I reply, trying to make her understand. "I can't stay here… it's too hard…"

"It's safe now, Lavender, I promise."

"I can't make it stop, Hermione. I'm so scared." The temptation to admit everything is almost overwhelming but I can't bear for Hermione to hate me, to look at me like I'm tainted, ruined, broken.

"Madam Pomfrey's brought you a calming potion."

"I don't want her to… examine me."

"She just wants to check…"

"No, Hermione, please!" I start panicking again and she tries to shush me.

"Okay, okay, she said she won't examine you, just take the potion."

"I don't… don't believe you…" Dark spots have started to impede my vision and I fight against them because if I lose consciousness it's all over.

"Lavender please, take the potion. I won't let anyone examine you."

"Promise?"

"I promise." A potion is poised at my lips and I open my mouth and the potion is tipped into my mouth. I works quickly and I sag against Hermione. I feel someone lift me and place me on the sofa, a blanket is put over me and I let the darkness greet me.

* * *

A/N So things are really getting bad for Lavender, any guesses about what happened? Please review!

Next chapter; Lavender wakes up and tells McGonagall what she needs, Flo comes back and she is not happy with her mistress.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- You are spot on with the female faces!

LUG-14- It's not McGonagall, yet! Are you liking her more now?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

When I open my eyes I'm glad that I'm not in the hospital wing; I'm still in the Common Room. Hermione is sat in an armchair by my head and Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey are sat next to her. Hermione looks exhausted and I wonder what time it is.

"What time is it?" I ask. Hermione jumps and so does Madam Pomfrey.

"Miss Brown, you are awake, excellent." Madam Pomfrey jumps up and walks over to me brandishing her wand. I sit bolt upright quickly and move away from her.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I need to check your vitals, it was a strong potion."

"No, you can't!" I stand up and then fall back onto the sofa.

"Lavender why won't you let us help you? You are clearly not coping with whatever happened to you last year." McGonagall sits forward as she speaks and I look at her knees rather than her face.

"Nothing happened to me."

"I find that very hard to believe, just let me take your pulse and I will leave you be." Madam Pomfrey kneels down in front of me and I look away. Will she be able to tell from my pulse? I don't know but I can't risk it.

"No, you can't touch me."

"I can use my wand, I won't touch you." I nod because I just want her to leave me alone. She seems satisfied enough with the results.

"It's a bit fast but nothing to worry about, you got worked up. My door is always open, Miss Brown." Madam Pomfrey leaves and I relax slightly.

"Miss Granger, you can go to bed now, thank you for your assistance." Hermione stands up and starts to leave and I know I must thank her.

"Thank you, Hermione, I really mean it." Hermione nods and smiles before walking off. I turn back around and stare at the fire.

"Lavender, how can I help you? What do you want me to do?"

"Leave me alone, please, Professor McGonagall. I really need you to leave me alone." There's a moments silence before she answers and I can tell she's hurt.

"As you wish, Professor Weasley will be keeping a close eye on you. When you are ready to talk I will be willing to listen."

"Okay, do I have detention, for attacking Seamus?"

"No, I have heard it was warranted. Good night Miss Brown." She stands up and moves towards the door.

"Goodnight Professor McGonagall and…" She stops. "I'm really sorry."

"As am I, as am I." She leaves the room and I wait for another ten minutes before collecting my pyjamas and walking to the Room of Requirement. The bed welcomes me and I climb into it grateful for somewhere I can finally scream in peace.

* * *

The next couple of weeks pass quickly and McGonagall stays true to her word and leaves me alone. Professor Weasley holds me back after most classes and tries to build a relationship with me but I am resisting at every attempt although I notice that other teachers are also trying. Sprout and Trelawney have been the worst and I even try to drop Divination but Weasley won't let me until Christmas so I just ignore the Seer and avoid looking at her face whenever she tries to corner me.

After most Care of Magical Creature lessons I stay behind and have a cup of tea with Hagrid and I really enjoy spending time with him, he doesn't push and I don't give. We just talk about class and about creatures.

I sleep in the Room of Requirement every night and I've only been caught sneaking out once, by the pregnant Professor Delacour-Weasley whose bump is just starting to show. She gave me a detention but I didn't go because it was in the Transfiguration classroom. It was supposed to be last night so I'm expecting trouble today.

It's Friday morning now and I'm sitting next to Hermione, who hovers around me constantly, something I'm so thankful for. An owl flutters down to me and I reach out to it in surprise.

It's a postcard from Samoa, no note from my parents just a postcard with my name and address scribbled on in my father's writing.

"Who's that from Lavender?" Neville asks, from next to Parvati.

"My parents."

"Did they forget to write anything?" Harry asks, clearly familiar with muggle postcards.

"I guess."

"Where are they?" Hermione asks and I show her the picture of a tropical beach in Samoa. I finish my breakfast in silence because I feel quite sick today and I don't feel like talking. I stand up and walk out of the hall alone, or so I think.

"Lavender!" I turn back and see Parvati jogging up to me. I look at her knees rather than her face.

"What?"

"I've… I've just been thinking, about your parents."

"What about them?" I ask and I'm intrigued because I actually thought she knew me better than to think I was a coward and her betrayal has hurt the most.

"I didn't think they'd pay for you to get out."

"Don't you?"

"No, I mean, did they come back or did you go and join them?"

"Perhaps it was neither." I mumble before walking away because it's a bit too late now for Parvati to start questioning my shaky alibi.

Carrow is still on the run and I realise that I actually prefer if he was killed rather than captured, I don't want him talking, telling anyone. What if they make him take Veritiserum?

I stop walking and sit on a bench for a while because I feel quite faint. Someone sits next to me and the slight bump shows me it's Professor Delacour-Weasley.

"You missed your detention."

"I know."

"If I schedule one tonight will you come?"

"It depends." I reply honestly, leaning against the window frame and closing my eyes briefly.

"On what, Miss Brown?"

"On where it is?"

"In my office."

"No."

"In my classroom?"

"No."

"In Professor Weasley's office then?"

"Okay, what time?" I keep my eyes closed and I must look pale because she places a hand on my forehead and I flinch.

"I am sorry, you do not look well."

"I'm fine, what time?"

"Seven."

"Fine, I'll see you then. I've got to go."

"You should zee the nurse." I walk off and she does not chase me. As I sit down in Charms I'm relieved when Hermione sits next to me. I wonder what the French woman will think of my odd location request. I close my eyes again but a sharp pain in my stomach causes me to jump and cry out. Luckily only Hermione, Harry, Ron and Flitwick are in the classroom but they all hear.

"Are you okay?" Hermione asks.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure, Miss Brown, you looking terribly pale."

"I'm fine, just a stitch." It seems to reassure them and I put a hand to my charmed flat stomach as the class starts. I know I'm big now, almost too big but it can't be time yet can it?

The class exercise is given and I ignore the instructions but thankfully Hermione is busy instructing Ron so she doesn't notice. A sudden wetness down my legs has me panic stricken, I grab my wand and vanish the evidence before Hermione notices and I put my hand up.

"Yes, Miss Brown." Professor Flitwick says, walking over to me.

"I… I don't feel well, can I leave?"

"Yes, perhaps Miss Granger can take you to…"

"No, I can go on my own, Professor." I stand up and leave, without my bag, before he can say anything. I walk as quickly as I can to the Room of Requirement and ask for the same thing I request every night; somewhere I can scream.

As I push open the door another pain hits me and I shut the door behind me before screaming out loud. I drag myself to the bed and climb onto it, trying to come up with a plan.

It can't be that hard to give birth alone can it? Surely cave people used to do it? But what happens when the baby… No, I can't think about that yet, one step at a time.

I scream for hours, missing all of my classes. The contractions keep coming and its agony, I wish that someone could find me but then what would they say? What would they think?

There are no windows in the room but it must be nearly dinner, five hours I've been here and the baby still hasn't come. The tears are rolling down my face and I'm so hot that I've pulled off my jumper and tie. My hair is down from the plait and sticking to my sweaty face.

There is blood coming from between my legs but I don't know if that's normal, I should have read something, I shouldn't have pushed everything away because I can't do this on my own.

Suddenly a knock at the door disturbs me and I grab my wand and point it towards the door, the handle rattles but I'm relieved that the door is locked and they can't come in.

"Lavender? Are you okay?" It's Hermione and I'm so glad that she's found me because she's the only one I trust at the moment.

"Hermione?" I cry before screaming out in pain as another contraction hits me.

"Yes, it's me Lavender, let me in, everyone's been worried about you. It's after dinner now."

"I can't… I can't let you in." And it's true because I really don't think I could get to the door even if I wanted to.

"Lavender, what's happened?" She asks and I don't know how to answer.

"I can't… I can't tell you… you'll hate me!"

"I won't hate you, Lavender. Please let me in, please let me help you."

"I can't." I sob and not just because of the pain but because of the despair, because of my disgust that I let this happen to myself.

"Lavender, its Professor Weasley, please tell me what's happened?"

"I can't… I can't talk about…" I scream as another contraction grips me and I wish I could just die, why didn't I die in the battle, as a hero?

"Lavender, let us help you, you sound hurt, Madam Pomfrey is here."

"I'm here Lavender, let me help you, please." The matron sounds worried.

"You'll know, you'll all know and you'll… you'll hate me." I cry for a moment and I can't hear their replies.

"…not hate you, Miss Brown. I have spoken to your parents." It's McGonagall and I can't believe she's spoke to my parents, when, how?

"When?"

"This afternoon, when we couldn't find you. They told me that they didn't take you out of Hogwarts last year. They haven't seen you for over four years."

"I… I never said they… they took me out, Professor… I never said that!"

"I realise that now, Lavender, Carrow lied to me, to everyone. What happened? Where were…?"

A cry of pain interrupts her and I feel like I'm being ripped apart.

"Lavender, are you having a baby?" It's Hermione and I'm not surprised that she's the one to figure it out, I have spent the most time with her and she's smart. I cry but don't reply because I can't bear to confirm it to them. Clearly my sobbing silence confirms enough and McGonagall's voice becomes quite urgent.

"Lavender, Lavender listen to me. Are you listening?"

"Yes."

"You can't do this on your own anymore, you've been brave… really brave but you have to let us help you now."

"I tried… to do the right thing, Professor…" I cry out again.

"Lavender let us in, now."

"I can't… I can't get to the door… Flo help." My kind, half batty house-elf appears and looks horrified by the very sight of me.

"Mistress Lavender, Mistress Lavender! You is hurt! You is promising Flo that you will look after…"

"Who's that?" McGonagall asks over Flo's despair at me.

"My house-elf… Flo."

"Flo, open the door please, now." Flo looks to me and I nod before she hurries over to the door. She opens the door and McGonagall and Pomfrey rush in and I point my wand at them, with my eyes closed before they get to close.

"You… you can't touch me… I can't… I can't look at your faces… please…"

"Okay, is there anyone you can look at?"

"Hermione." Pomfrey rushes out and drags Hermione in and pushes her towards me. She holds my hand and I look at her face before crying out as yet another contraction comes.

"Lavender, how far along are you?" Pomfrey asks.

"I don't… I don't know… please don't touch me…"

"I won't touch you yet but I need to look, please, it's important for me to see."

"Lavender, just look at me." Hermione says and I do and I try to focus just on her face because I know she is real. Flo is standing on the pillow and stroking my hair. I open my legs and feel as exposed as I did in that damned room.

"Lavender, I'm going to give you a numbing charm, then you won't feel me touching you okay?"

"You promise… I won't feel…"

"No, just focus on Hermione." She does the charm and the pain is lessened considerably and it's a blessed relief, my head drops back onto the pillow.

"Mistress Lavender, you is promising me you will look after yourself. What will Master and Lady Brown say when they is coming home?"

"They won't care, Flo… I'm sorry." I sob and Flo wipes away my tears

"Lavender, I have to remove the charm but you need to push, get ready to push." Hermione helps me sit up slightly. McGonagall moves up the bed and holds my hand and I'm grateful for it.

"I'm so sorry, Professor McGonagall." I say and she squeezes my hand.

"Let's get this baby out and then we can talk, okay?"

"Okay." The charm is removed and the pain comes back so suddenly that I scream in agony.

"Push now, Lavender, push!" I push with everything I can and then stop because it hurts like the Cruciatus curse. I can see spots on the edge of my vision and I know I'll pass out soon.

"Push again, Lavender!"

"I can't!"

"You can Lavender, come on, focus on my face, you'll be fine." I look at Hermione and push again and suddenly I feel the baby leave and I collapse back against the pillows.

"Well done, Lavender, well done. It's a girl, a beautiful baby…" The spots join together and I welcome the darkness.

* * *

I must be only unconscious for a few minutes but when I open my eyes Madam Pomfrey and McGonagall are looking at me and I jump and look away, trying to find Hermione or Flo.

"I'm here, Lavender" Hermione says, moving into my vision. I nod and she holds my hand.

"Lavender, we're going to move you to the hospital wing now." Madam Pomfrey says and I nod before realising the route we are likely to take.

"No… can we go the long way? Through the Charms corridor?"

"If you prefer. Professor Delacour-Weasley is going to carry the baby, do you want to see her? The baby I mean." I think for a moment, I can't believe that I have a baby, that I'm a mother. I must look terrified because McGonagall squeezes my hand.

"Perhaps a little later?"

"Yes, a bit later. Is she okay though?"

"She's fine, perfect Lavender, you did really well." I nod and put my head back on the pillow and Flo strokes my head.

"Flo will stay with Mistress Lavender?" She asks and I realise that I've really scared her.

"Yes Flo, you can stay." Flo smiles and I try to smile back at her.

"I'll transfigure and levitate the bed, it's late so no one well be up. Are you ready?" McGonagall asks and I nod, exhausted.

I drift in and out of sleep as we make our way towards the hospital wing, Hermione holds my hand the whole way and I'm so thankful that she wasn't here last year, that she wasn't one of the faces.

When we arrive in the ward Pomfrey settles me into a bed and conjures a crib for the baby. My baby.

"I would like to examine you now Lavender, I can give you a potion to send you to sleep while I touch you, will you take it?"

I nod because there are no secrets that my body is hiding now except the words and the scars but I don't care anymore. Perhaps she will tell me what they wrote on my back.

I drink the potions and drift off to sleep. It only feels like seconds later when I come round and I can hear them talking.

"…didn't tell anyone, all this time!" It's Pomfrey and I can tell she's at the foot of my bed so I turn to the right and open my eyes. Hermione is sat there, looking in the crib and smiling.

"Hermione?"

"Oh, you're awake." I feel Pomfrey walk up on the left side of the bed so I keep looking at Hermione as she speaks to me.

"Lavender, I've examined you and I've treated you. You'll need to stay here for at least a week because you are exhausted and you need rest." I nod.

"Would you like to see the baby?" McGonagall asks and I nod again because I know I have to see it at some point. Hermione stands up and moves closer to me as McGonagall picks up the baby.

It's wrapped in a pink blanket and it's sleeping. It's so tiny and it's perfect… _she's_ so beautiful.

"How can she be so beautiful? How can something so beautiful come from…?" I sob lightly and stop talking. McGonagall puts the baby back in the crib and moves towards me. I look at the crib and not at her.

"Lavender, where were you? Just tell me where you were and we'll leave it for tonight, you've been through enough." I nod.

"Hogwarts, Professor. A room, in between your old office and the Transfiguration classroom, behind the portrait of the starry night. The password is…" I swallow before I continue "…'fun', it was all a game to them Professor, it was all just a game."

"Thank you for telling me, Lavender, I'm going to go to the room with Poppy, and then we'll come back. Hermione and Fleur will stay with you, can you look at her?" I nod and the French woman moves forward and sits next to Hermione.

"Get some sleep, Lavender. We'll stay with you." Hermione says and I nod. She passes me a potion and I don't even ask what it is before taking it and drifting off into a blissful, dreamless sleep.

* * *

A/N So the baby is here and we're about to find out what happened to Lavender. Please review!

Next chapter; Lavender tells McGonagall what happened, the baby gets a name.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

witchprincess33- I know, Seamus is an ass!

LUG-14- Good guesses, you only have to wait till Wednesday to find out.

Allen Pitt- Yep you'd think Pansy would keep quiet but I guess she'll always be a bitch. Good guesses, you'll find out on Wednesday.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

When I wake up I can tell it's morning from the light in the hospital wing. Hermione is asleep in an armchair and Delacour-Weasley is holding the baby and rocking her gently at the end of my bed. I watch her for a few minutes before she realises I'm awake.

"Good morning, Lavender, she has been waiting for you, would you like to hold her?" I nod and she moves towards me. Hermione wakes up and stretches out before she is sent to fetch Madam Pomfrey. The matron enters the cubicle and I don't look at her, wondering if the charm was still there.

"Good morning, Lavender, are you in any pain?"

"Just a bit, it's not too bad, just an ache," I say. Pomfrey passes me a potion anyway and I take it and the ache lessens considerably.

"Here, she is beautiful." I am passed my daughter who is tightly wrapped in a fleecy pink blanket. She looks up at me and I'm relieved to see that she has my eyes because I don't think I could take it if her eyes were her fathers, whoever he is.

I hold her and stare at her, I can hear the others talking around me but I don't listen to what they are saying. Hermione comes and stands next to me and I realise she is trying to get my attention.

"Lavender? I'm just going to nip back to the tower and have a shower and change. Shall I bring you some nightclothes?"

"Yes, thanks Hermione." She smiles and disappears. Delacour-Weasley sits in her seat and I'm glad that she's still here. I pass the baby back to her when Pomfrey brings a breakfast tray and she and McGonagall sit next to the bed. Pomfrey pours everyone some tea.

"Lavender, we saw the room."

"Was the charm still there? Do you understand why I can't look at you?"

"The faces were still there. We can understand why you are more comfortable with Hermione and Fleur. Why are the faces there?"

"To make sure I didn't resist. To stop me saying no." A tear drops down my face but I do not wipe it away.

"How long were you in that room?" Pomfrey asks.

"From the end of that Muggle Studies class until the battle. I can't remember how I got out of there, I have no idea how I escaped."

"Can you tell us what happened?" I nod because I've buried this for too long and now the baby is here all secrecy is lost.

"Carrow kept me back, he told me he had a deal for me."

"What deal?"

"He said I could keep all the girls in Hogwarts safe, all the female staff as well. He must have stunned me because the next thing I knew I was in the room and all the faces were there. If I said no they would make the faces bigger, highlight certain girls and threaten to go and get them. Hurt them too."

"How many people knew?"

"Just the Death Eaters, Snape didn't know though, they discussed whether to tell him or not but they didn't trust him enough. Thought he'd been a teacher for too long. Got sentimental."

"And you haven't told anyone?" Delacour-Weasley asks and I shake my head.

"Flo knew about the baby but she doesn't know what happened… I couldn't tell anyone, they're all going to hate me."

"They won't Lavender, you have been through a horrific ordeal. I am so sorry that I didn't investigate your parents paying for you to leave." McGonagall sounds sad but I don't look at her.

"I can't believe that Parvati believed it, she knows that they don't care."

"They have been travelling since before fourth year?"

"Yes, they send a postcard every few months to let me know where they are. Flo cooks and things and we have lots of money. They don't care."

"Do you think you can identify the men that raped you?" McGonagall asks.

"They said it wasn't rape, because I let them." McGonagall grabs my hand but I look at my teacup and not at her.

"It was rape Lavender, you were taken advantage of."

"They said it was my fault, too beautiful."

"It was _not_ your fault, Lavender."

"They got to know which faces made me do whatever they wanted. Ginny especially; I knew if she got hurt, Harry would find out and then we'd all lose. Parvati's face as well, and the first years. Even yours Professor McGonagall, I knew the Gryffindors needed you, Hogwarts needed you."

"Lavender, I am so sorry that I didn't protect you." I can tell McGonagall is crying and so am I.

"I didn't think I'd live through it, I can't believe I did." McGonagall's about to speak again but then the baby cries and I look over at the crib. "What am I going to do?"

"We have a suggestion." Madam Pomfrey says, as the blond woman picks up the baby and comforts her. "You need time to recover and come to terms with what has happened to you. We would like you to stay in the hospital wing for a week and then move into Bill and Fleur's apartment for a few weeks, to adjust to being a mother." I look at Fleur to see what she thinks.

"We also need to learn about babies. I can help you until you are ready to return to school."

"What happens then?" I ask.

"One step at a time, Lavender. Let's just take things slowly. I would also like to tell the other Gryffindor eighth years what has happened, explain things to them." McGonagall squeezes my hand and I nod because I feel I owe them an explanation, especially Hermione who has stuck by me without knowing why she needed to.

"Okay, will you tell them I'm sorry?"

"You have nothing to apologise for, it is us who should be apologising. We failed you."

"You didn't know."

"What about your parents?"

"You can tell them if you want, they won't care though, probably won't even come back."

"I meant, do you want to press charges?" I look in McGonagall's direction and she appears to see my confusion. "Lavender they left you alone."

"I had Flo, I wasn't alone."

"Lavender, it's against the law to leave children for more than twenty four hours unattended. Flo is a house-elf, she doesn't count as a responsible adult."

"Flo looked after me, I was fine." Pomfrey and McGonagall share a look but don't respond. I feel this conversation will crop up again. The baby starts crying and I look over at the crib.

"She is hungry, I've prepared some bottles of formula; you won't be able to breast-feed because there's too much scaring." I nod and then another question comes to my mind and I look at Madam Pomfrey.

"What's on my back?" I ask.

"Excuse me?"

"I know there's something on my back but I don't know what it is." She looks at me and I think she won't answer. I'm not above begging. "Please?"

"It's… it appears to be… a tally chart, they kept a record of…" I nod and I don't want to hear anymore.

"Will it ever fade? The words as well, will they ever go?"

"No Lavender, I'm sorry. It's too late to use Dittany now. You can conceal them with charms, I presume that's what you did with your bump." I nod.

Why does this news bother me so much? It's just skin, it shouldn't bother me, should it? The baby keeps crying and I keep looking at my hands, the tears are burning the back of my eyes but I can't understand why it bothers me so much. It's been months, I suspected I would be forever marked but… a tally chart.

"Lavender, it is okay to cry?" McGonagall says, taking my hand. I shake my head and don't look up at her.

The baby cries louder and Fleur lifts her out of the crib and passes to me, my hands shake as I hold her. She continues to cry and Pomfrey summons a bottle and shows me how to feed her. She takes the bottle well and I look down at her and feel so detached from her, from myself.

"Have you thought of a name?" Fleur asks and I look at her and shake my head.

"I… I didn't think about what I'd do when it came… I didn't think…" Fleur nods and McGonagall leaves to talk to the other Gryffindors. Pomfrey stays and corrects my feeding. It takes twenty minutes to feed her, she then looks at me for a moment and then drifts off to sleep.

Fleur puts her back in the crib and then looks back at me.

"My mother-in-law has many baby clothes and things you can borrow until you get chance to get things."

"Thank you. I can get Flo to buy things, she did all the shopping during the summer. I only left the house once."

"Where do you live?"

"Bath."

"That is a lovely city." We make small talk for a few more minutes and then she leaves me to sleep.

I drift off easily but within minutes a nightmare wakes me up and I fall off the bed screaming. Pomfrey rushes out of her office and starts towards me but her face scares me again and I pull myself back and roll into a tight ball, shaking and trying to catch my breath. The baby starts crying, no doubt woken by my screams and everything suddenly becomes too much.

The façade of indifference and recovery that I've built up like a wall in my mind crumbles and the tears come out as retching sobs. I can hear Pomfrey trying to talk to me but I can't understand the words.

Arms suddenly encircle me and for a moment I tense in them, I have no idea who they belong to but they hold me tight and I finally relax and let all my emotions finally flow out of me and into the arms.

"…let it out, Lavender." It's McGonagall but she doesn't scare me, my eyes are closed and she holds me like a mother would, not my mother but like a mother should and I'm grateful to her.

"I'm so sorry…"

"No, Lavender, it not your fault…"

I must fall asleep again or pass out because the next thing I know I am waking up in the bed again. Hermione is feeding the baby and I smile at the scene.

"…that's right keep drinking and then you can have another sleep."

"Better not let Ron see how comfortable you are with a new-born; he'll run a mile." I say and Hermione looks up and smiles.

"Definitely, do you want to take over?"

"No, you're doing a good job." Hermione nods and carries on feeding her.

"Professor McGonagall said to tell you she'll be back after dinner, she's gone to the Ministry to talk to the Aurors." I nod.

"Did she tell the others?" I ask.

"Yes, Seamus and Parvati feel terrible, they wanted to come straight away but McGonagall said to wait till tomorrow, so they can get over the shock." I nod and wonder what they will say to me, and if I can forgive them.

"Hermione, thank you so much. I don't know what I would have done without you. I thought you'd hex me within a week." Hermione laughs lightly and shakes her head.

"I knew something wasn't right, especially after Seamus yelled at you after the battle. Your reaction wasn't right and then you didn't come to help with the rebuild. I spoke to Parvati on Harry's birthday and she said you weren't replying to her owls. I asked where you lived but she wouldn't tell me, she was really angry with you." I nod. "Professor McGonagall told me about the charm, I can understand why you can't look at them. That's why you stayed close to me?"

"I knew you were real, you weren't here last year so you weren't part of the charm. It was… so realistic Hermione, every detail was perfect." Hermione puts the baby back in the crib and I close my eyes for a moment, thinking. "That witch that died on me, Tonks, what was her real name?"

"Nymphadora Tonks, she was married to Professor Lupin. They had a baby son, Teddy, Harry is godfather."

"Nymphadora, that's unfortunate. Dora is quite nice though, maybe I'll call her Dora." Hermione smiles and nods.

"That's a nice idea, she hated the name Nymphadora, that's why everyone called her Tonks, although Remus called her Dora sometimes. He died too." I decide on Dora, it seems right.

"Dora, I like it. Will you be godmother Hermione?"

"Are you sure? What about Parvati?" I know she will be annoyed but I know without Hermione I probably would have killed myself by now.

"No, you saved my life Hermione, not just in the battle but…" I start crying again and Hermione hugs me.

"Of course I'll be her godmother, it'll be an honour. What about the godfather, any ideas?"

"Neville," I say instantly. "He's been trying to help me, I keep pushing him away but he keeps trying."

"I think he's a closet Hufflepuff." Hermione says and I laugh slightly and nod.

Madam Pomfrey comes out of her office with a tray of potions and looks pleased to hear laughter.

"Potions time, these are strengthening potions and some anti-anxiety potions, will you take them?" I nod and she gives them to me quickly.

"I've got a name Madam Pomfrey." I say and the nurse smiles.

"Oh, what is it?"

"Dora."

"After Tonks," Hermione interjects and Pomfrey smiles.

"That's lovely, Lavender, have you thought of a middle name?"

"Not yet." I look back at the crib and I feel calm for the first time in ages. Most of it is probably the potions, but perhaps some of it is actual recovery.

* * *

A/N So the story has started to tumble out, let me know what you think.

Next chapter; Flo faces a dilemma, and Lavender's parents return.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Farrafelpies- It's more a case of her forgiving him now!

Guest- Nice idea about the 16th October, I might be able to work with that! It's the start of October in this chapter but there are more hard times to come.

LUG-14- Has that answered your question about the faces? The room may make an appearance at some point.

witchprincess33- Do you like Dora? It seemed to feel right for the story.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Dora wakes often during the night, sometimes I feed her and sometimes Madam Pomfrey tells me to go back to sleep and feeds and changes her herself. I'm grateful because I'm so exhausted that I doubt I could be a full-time mother yet, not when I'm so broken.

When I wake the next morning Flo is sitting at my feet looking up at my face with a conflicted expression on her wrinkly face.

"Morning Flo." I say croakily, "Are you alright?"

"Flo is fine, Flo is worrying about Mistress Lavender though, and Flo doesn't know what to do about Master and Lady Brown!" She tugs on her ears and I smile slightly at the familiar gesture.

"Don't worry about them Flo, they won't come back."

"They is back, Mistress Lavender! They is in the townhouse now!" I'm surprised at this and I understand why Flo is confused. They are her Masters and Flo failed in her duty to protect me.

"You can go back to them if you want Flo." I say but I wish she stays with me, please let her stay with me.

"They is calling for Flo but Flo is wanting to stay with Mistress Lavender!"

"You decide, Flo." I say, as McGonagall walks into the room. She doesn't look surprised to see Flo with me.

"Your parents are coming in after breakfast, Lavender."

"There you go, Flo. See them when they come here and then you can decide." I say and my voice cracks slightly at the thought of seeing them again. She jumps off the bed and leaves the hospital wing, still tugging on her ears.

"Will she go back to them?" McGonagall asks, sitting down.

"I don't know, her family have been serving the Brown family for centuries but… I hope she doesn't. Are they really coming in?" I ask, because I really can't believe it.

"Yes, they were apprehended by the Samoan Ministry, trying to leave the island and they were portkeyed back to Britain. They were allowed to return home last night, escorted by an official, to report here this morning for questioning. I need to speak to you before they arrive."

"Do they know what's happened?"

"No, they know that you are in the hospital wing but they don't know about the reasons."

"They won't care."

"Why didn't you tell me they had been travelling for so long?" I smile slightly and try to look at her face as I answer but end up staring slightly to the left of her face.

"Come on Professor, you know what I was like. Party girl, ditzy, care-free- isn't it every teenage girl's dream to be left home alone with an unlimited bank account?"

"Perhaps for a few weeks but… four years!"

"The first summer was great, I stayed home for a month having parties and spending money like there was no tomorrow, then I stayed with the Patils for the rest of the summer. Christmas alone was hard but… I really did think they'd come back."

"And when they didn't?"

"I just got… bitter. I was so angry with them, they would send a postcard every once in a while but… they didn't even write on it. When I broke up with Ron in sixth year I wrote them a long letter and I really thought they'd reply."

"And they didn't?"

"No. I thought they'd come back when the war started as well but… I didn't hear anything from them. It was a mistake Professor McGonagall, a big mistake."

"Lavender, you should have told me, I would have done something."

"I know but… I was too proud."

"Too Gryffindor."

"Perhaps." I smile again and then look back at Dora, she is sleeping and she is so beautiful that I simply get lost in her face. It's a few moments before I realise that McGonagall is still talking to me.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said, did anyone know they had been away for so long?"

"Parvati, that's why I was so hurt when she thought they'd bought my freedom. I thought she knew me better than that."

"Did her parents know?"

"I don't know, I told Ron as well but it was when we were dating and I'm not sure he was paying that much attention."

"Anyone else?"

"Professor Trelawney knew, I was very honest with my dream diary. I had a recurring dream that they returned and gave Flo clothes because I'd spent too much money." I look at McGonagall's face and for a moment I can see pure fury there and I understand why she's angry. Trelawney is a teacher, she should have said something.

"Anyone else?"

"No, Professor, no one else."

"And you told no one what happened last year?"

"No, I was too ashamed. Actually I meant to ask you, was my wand in the room, or my trunk?"

"I don't recall, we have sealed the room so that they Aurors can look at it, I'll ask them if anything is hidden in there." I nod and McGonagall stands up and moves around to look in the crib.

"Do you have a name yet?"

"Yes, Dora, after Tonks."

"That suits her, I hope she is not as clumsy as her namesake."

"She was clumsy then?"

"Oh dreadfully so, how she managed to qualify as an Auror I will never know but she was a very good one. Miss Patil wants to come and see you this evening, would you like to see her?" I think for a few moments before I respond.

"I don't think so, not yet. Perhaps when I'm out of the hospital wing, when things get more normal. I would like to see Neville though."

"Very well, I shall tell him. I will be back in an hour with you parents, would you like anyone to be with you when they come?"

"Hermione, if she's free."

"I'm sure she will come, I'll bring Neville after lunch if you are feeling up to it."

"Thanks Professor McGonagall." She nods and leaves the room.

* * *

My next visitor is Fleur who is carrying a bag of baby clothes and some books.

"Mrs Weasley said if you need to know anything just send her an owl, she is an expert of childcare by now."

"That's kind of her, will you thank her for me?"

"Yes, she said this book is best to start with." She puts the book on my bedside table and I nod and look at it with trepidation.

Fleur leaves and Hermione arrives just as I am feeding Dora. She smiles and then grabs one of the books that Mrs Weasley sent and flicks through it.

The bottle slips out of Dora's mouth and she starts to cry, I try to put it back in but she cries and pushes it out again.

"Shh… please don't cry…" I say, trying to think what to do. Madam Pomfrey arrives and looks at me.

"Perhaps she needs burping, do you want me to show you?" I nod and she takes Dora and pats her back gently. I feel tears slide down my face as I watch Pomfrey settle her, it only takes a minute and then she places Dora back in the crib.

"I…" I start to cry and Hermione strokes my shoulder.

"Don't worry Lavender, it's going to take time. No one is going to expect you to know everything, right Madam Pomfrey?"

"Of course not dear, every first time mother struggles." I look over at the books as I answer.

"Even Mrs Weasley?"

"Of course, when Bill was born her mother lived with them for a month." I feel reassured by this and nod. The hospital wing doors open and Professor McGonagall walks in accompanied by Amos Diggory and… my parents.

They are both tanned and my mother's long blond hair is braided and held back by a weave band, my father is now bald but still has his extravagant beard that makes him look ridiculous. They are holding hands and look extremely annoyed to be here.

I stiffen immediately and Hermione squeezes my hand.

"Oh! I see why we're here!" My father says, stopping at the foot of my bed and looking at the crib, my mother gasps but recovers quickly.

"How is it our fault that she got herself knocked up? We gave her the talk, and honestly Lavender look at the state of you, how you managed to get someone to have a baby with you I will never know! You haven't got a jot of make-up on you, your hair looks ridiculous and…"

"Enough." Professor McGonagall says firmly. She waves her wand and conjures five chairs. "Sit down, we have a lot to discuss." Cedric's father and Madam Pomfrey sit down but my parents don't.

"No, she's of age now, it's not our problem if she can't keep her legs closed…" Hermione squeezes my hand again as Mr Diggory stands up and squares up with my father.

"Sit. Down. Now." My father complies and after a moment's hesitation, in which McGonagall glares at her, my mother also sits. "Now, we are here to discuss several things but I think it's best to start with the events of last year. I was informed by Alecto Carrow that you had paid for Miss Brown to leave Hogwarts but I have since learnt that that was not true." McGonagall stops and my father nods, she is about to continue when Diggory speaks up.

"Were you not concerned about your daughter's wellbeing last year?"

"Well, I know you had a spot of bother with You-Know-Who…"

"A spot of bother?" McGonagall asks in the same voice that sends the Slytherin's running for cover.

"It was a war Castor, not a fight in the Three Broomsticks! Did you not consider your daughter's safety?" Diggory asks.

"Lavender is never one to get involved in a fight, we were both amazed she got into Gryffindor at all, we knew she would run if things got too much." My father nods as my mother finishes and I feel a creeping shame, would I have run if I could?

"So you had no contact from your daughter during last year?"

"No, the last we heard was when someone dumped her a couple of years ago, looks like you got over that well." My mother indicates at the cot and I look at it too but do not comment.

"So, what do you actually want us to do? She's of-age, we're rich. She can surely sort out her own problems, even if the father is not willing to pay for the baby."

"Don't you even want to know what happened?" Hermione asks, looking disgusted by my parent's reaction.

"I think we're familiar with the birds and the bees Miss…?"

"Granger."

"Hermione Granger, well it's a pleasure to meet you Miss Granger. We read all about you in the…"

"Castor, focus on your daughter here, do you think you can manage that?" Diggory asks, his voice dripping in sarcasm.

"Did you not even think to contact Lavender when they war was over? To check she was okay?" Pomfrey asks and my mother sighs.

"Honestly, we knew if she'd died someone would have told us! She's here, she's clearly alive and capable of…" My mother indicates at the crib again but this time I do not look at it, instead I turn my head to McGonagall and focus on her left shoulder.

"I told you they wouldn't care, Professor." I say.

"See, she understands. Can we go now? We are on the verge of discovering a new subspecies of…"

"No, you cannot go until you understand the implications of your actions, or inactions." McGonagall says firmly.

"Fine, just tell us then, and we can pay whatever fine you want for leaving her alone for too long."

"It won't be a fine, Marjory."

"Oh, what then? Slap on the wrist?" My father asks, looking completely at ease.

"Prison time, at least a year." My father's mouth drops and my mother gasps. I am also quite shocked.

"What! You can't be serious, she's not a toddler! She was fourteen!" My father shouts loudly. Dora wakes up and starts crying and Hermione lifts her out of them crib and comforts her. She silently offers to pass her to me but I shake my head; I'm too tense and I don't want to crush her.

"Miss Brown, could you please explain to your parents what happened to you last year?" Mr Diggory asks gently. I look up at my parents and shake my head; I can't go through it again.

"Minerva?" Diggory asks and McGonagall nods and takes a breath.

"I was informed by Alecto Carrow that she had left Hogwarts, he lied to me. She was held captive in the castle for eight months and repeatedly raped and sexually abused by Death Eaters until the final battle when she somehow escaped from the room. She then kept what had happened to her a secret and returned to your home. She left the house only once in four months, simply to buy a new wand, and then returned to Hogwarts, pregnant by one of her abusers, and continued to keep her ordeal a secret. On Friday she went into labour, alone, and was eventually found and the baby was delivered safely. She then had the courage to finally tell us what had happened to her." McGonagall finished speaking and I feel a tear slide down my face, it sounded horrible but I'm glad that she said it.

There is a moment of silence, broken only by Dora's gentle noises of contentment, before my mother speaks and as soon as she opens her mouth I know exactly what she is going to say, how could I have forgotten?

"You lost your grandmother's wand?" She then turns to McGonagall. "Have you looked everywhere in the castle?"

"Is that all you can think about?" Pomfrey asks in outrage.

"That wand was a family heirloom, Lavender I told you to be careful with it!"

"It didn't really seem like the most pressing concern, mother." I reply coldly, speaking to her for the first time.

"Castor, do you have anything to say?" Diggory asks and I can tell that he is really hoping that my father will respond more predictably.

"Have you apprehended the men?" He asks Diggory.

"Not yet, the Aurors are coming in tomorrow morning to take a formal interview."

"Well I would advise them to use Veritserum on Lavender, she has quite an imagination." Completely against my will a sob breaks out of my mouth and I hold my hand to my mouth, trying to keep my composure. Hermione stands up and puts her hand on my arm in support.

"Is that really all you can say? Your daughter has been raped and abused, she protected the other girls in the school from the same fate and you… you think she is lying?" McGonagall says, also putting her hand on my other shoulder.

"Not lying, just exaggerating perhaps." My mother says calmly and my father nods.

"You disgust me, you don't deserve to be parents." Diggory says coldly and it that moment I think of Cedric.

"Lavender would you like to say anything?" McGonagall asks.

"I… I want to keep Flo…please."

"She's still alive? Why hasn't she answered our summons?" My mother asks in surprise.

"No, she belongs in Croyden House."

"Please dad?" I beg and Diggory stands up.

"I will speak to the House-Elf Relocation department, they will assist in relocating Flo with Miss Brown. You will be in Azkaban and all you assets, apart from the compensation to your daughter for your neglect, will be frozen until your release."

"Lavender, are you really going to let them put us in Azkaban? We're your parents!" My mother shouts and again Dora wakes.

"And I'm your daughter," I reply. "Perhaps if you'd written in just one of those postcards then I might actually think you cared even a little bit."

"We will never forgive you if…" My father starts but I interrupt.

"I will never forgive you, ever." Diggory escorts my parents out of the hospital wing and I hear my mother screaming at me as she is arrested. Hermione passes Dora to me and I look at her for a moment before speaking.

"I will never leave you, ever." I say quietly, a tear drops onto her face and I gently wipe it away as more fall. I don't know if I'll be a good mother, but I know I'll be better than them.

* * *

A/N So the parents make an appearance, what did you think?

Next chapter; Neville and Lavender talk, and the Auror takes a statement.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- I think this answers the questions of whether she'll keep the baby.

Farrafelpies- Did you review for the wrong story? Who on earth would Lavender kiss in this story?!

LUG-14- As if I could keep McGonagall out of the story, I'm physically incapable of it!

witchprincess33- Thanks!


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Neville walks into the hospital wing with Hermione, looking upset. He approaches the end of my bed and takes a deep breath.

"Lavender, I'm really sorry that I didn't protect you and I'll understand if you never want to talk to me again and hate me for the rest of my life." He says it quickly and then blushes. Hermione smiles slightly and so do I.

"I don't hate you Neville, it wasn't your job to protect me."

"It was and you should."

"Neville, you thought I was gone."

"I should have checked, I should…"

"Come on Neville, don't be so hard on yourself." Hermione says as she moves and sits next to Dora's crib. Neville looks at it apprehensively.

"Do you want to hold her Neville?" I ask and he looks up at me, terrified.

"I'll probably drop her." He says quickly and Hermione laughs.

"Sit down, she's awake. I'll make sure you don't drop her." Hermione says and she lifts the baby out. She is wearing a pink-striped baby grow and has tiny white mittens on to stop her from scratching her face. Hermione places her gently in Neville's arms and shows him how to support the head. He looks scared but then relaxes as he looks into her eyes.

"She's got your eyes." Neville says, smiling.

"I know, thank Merlin for small favours." I say and Hermione snorts.

"I want you to be Godfather, Neville." His head snaps up to mine.

"I can't… surely you want someone like… Harry."

"Harry has his own god-son and I want you, you've been kind all term, you've helped Neville. You and Hermione."

"But… I… are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. Hermione's going to be god-mother." Neville smiles at her but then hesitates and I wonder for a moment if he's thinking of Parvati. Before I have chance to comment further Dora starts crying and Neville gasps.

"She hates me! Did I hurt her?"

"No, she's hungry, pass her to me." Neville stands up and puts her gently in my arms and Hermione passes me a bottle from the bedside table. Dora refuses for a moment and then concedes.

"I can't believe this… I'm so sorry Lavender…"

"Please Neville, it's not your fault. Besides I've got Dora now and that's a good thing to come out of all of this… I think…"

"It is Lavender, it will just take time." Hermione says and I nod.

We keep the conversation light and then Neville and Hermione leave together and I hold Dora until she finishes feeding and then put her back in the crib.

It feels strange to be alone with her, the past day and a half have been so busy and I've rarely been awake and alone. My thoughts darken quickly and a tear escapes before I can stop it.

Thankfully the hospital wing doors open and McGonagall and Weasley walk in with a man in Auror robes who is carrying a file.

"Are you alright, Lavender?" Weasley asks and I nod and sniff before looking up at them.

"Yeah, just thinking too much." I mumble and Weasley nods.

"Lavender this is Auror Pike from the ministry, I've given him the memory of your confession so you don't have to go through it again and Madam Pomfrey has photographed your scars for evidence but we want to show you some photo's to see if you can identify anyone, is that okay with you?" I nod, focussing on the file in Pike's hand.

McGonagall conjures chairs and they all sit down.

"Thank you for agreeing to this, Miss Brown. I can't imagine that it's easy." Pike says and I shake my head. "Right, well I'll just bring out the photos and if you could just sort them into piles of 'yes', 'no' and 'unsure' as to whether they abused you. Then we can then see where we are." I nod and he passes me a stack of about fifty photos.

The first ten are easy and go straight into the 'yes' pile, the next one looks familiar but I'm not sure so he goes in 'maybe'. After a few minutes there are only two photos on the 'no' pile and four in the 'unsure'.

"Which pile is which, Miss Brown?" Pike asks, I point them out and I see Weasley look angry and I daren't look at McGonagall.

"The 'unsure' pile, could we go through them first?"

"Yes, this one looks familiar but he looks too old."

"Proctor has a son, about nineteen, I'll bring you a photo of him." I nod and pick up the next photo.

"He was there but he… he was more of… he organised things but he never…" I stop and Pike nods and makes a note on the back of the photo. The next one is tricky.

"I think he was with…" I rifle through the 'yes' pile and pick up a photo, "…this one but I passed out and when I woke up I couldn't… I couldn't see who was on… I think I banged my head, everything was blurry." Pike makes another note and I pick up the last photo.

"He… he didn't want to be there…"

"He didn't abuse you?" Pike asks and I hesitate.

"He did but… he didn't want to, it was only when someone was watching. When we were alone he stayed away, he couldn't even look at me." Pike makes another note and I look back at the file.

"Is there a photo of my back in there?" I ask. Pike looks up at me and then at McGonagall.

"Yes."

"Can I see it?" Pike looks back at McGonagall. "It's my back." I protest and he nods and looks through the file and pulls out a photo. Before he passes it to me McGonagall speaks up.

"Are you sure you want to see it, Lavender?" She asks.

"I… I have to… it's…" I don't finish but Pike passes me the photo anyway.

I look at it and I'm amazed by how much writing they managed to fit on me. It's full of initials and tally marks stretching from the back of my neck, just below where my school collar would reach, right down to my bottom. So many initials and I can tell at a glance that there are more names there than in the 'yes' pile.

"There are more names…"

"I know, we'll work on matching up initials but some of them may be alias'." Pike says. I look over at Dora and then back at the photo.

"You'll never catch them all." I say and the silence confirms it.

"We will do our best, Miss Brown."

"I think I'm going to be sick…" McGonagall conjures a bowl and I throw up quickly. She rubs my back but all I can think about is the names that her hand will be running over and it doesn't help. I hear McGonagall tell Weasley to get Madam Pomfrey and Pike moves the pictures from the bed tapping them with his wand so he knows the order.

I feel myself shaking and my cheeks are wet, Pomfrey comes quick with a potion but I'm throwing up too much to take it. They'll never catch them all, some of them will always be free. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and the sickness starts to fade. I lean back on the pillows and close my eyes because I know McGonagall and Pomfrey are standing over me.

There's the sound of running feet and then softer hands touch my shoulder.

"Lavender?" It's Fleur and I open my eyes and look into her flawless face.

"They'll never… catch them… all." I cry and she wipes my face.

"You do not know zat." She replies.

"There's too… many of them… they'll find me… they'll find me again…" My breathing becomes panicked because I'm so sure of what I'm saying and the thought that they could touch me again is too horrible to contemplate.

I can tell that Fleur is trying to reassure me but I can't hear what she is saying and her eyes tell me she doesn't believe it anyway. I feel another sharp pain and a calming potion begins to fog by brain. I fight against it because I'm terrified of being asleep with their faces fresh in my mind.

Pomfrey talks to me and I look at her and then panic more. Another pain in my arm and I can feel the second calming draught combining with the first and succeeding where its predecessor failed. It's dragging me down and my eyes close as I'm too weak to fight it. Lavender Brown, always too weak to fight, always a coward.

* * *

The two potions must be strong because when I next wake it's Monday morning and my head still feels fuzzy and my limbs are heavy. It's as much as I can do to open my eyes and I close them again, flitting in and out of sleep for what seems like at least another hour.

At one point I hear Dora cry but I can't even turn my head to look at her. Madam Pomfrey comes to feed her and notices that I'm trying to wake up.

"Just relax, Lavender, the potions were strong they'll wear off slowly, get some more sleep." I try to thank her but my mouth doesn't respond and when I next open my eyes she is gone.

It's lunchtime before I finally feel able to sit up. Pomfrey brings a lunch tray and I thank her quietly.

"Flo was here earlier, she's gone to get some baby things, she wanted a list." I nod and imagine how excited the house-elf is. "I told her to bring some catalogues so you can pick some things out yourself."

"Thank you." I eat a few bites of the sandwich and drink the pumpkin juice. Pomfrey returns to her office and I wonder what the other students are thinking. Do they know I've had a baby? Pomfrey has put a privacy charm around my bed so if anyone comes in they won't see me but surely they'll be rumours.

After another few bites Hermione walks in carrying a couple of books and I smile at her.

"Hi, I've brought you some homework if you want to…?"

"Yeah, thanks Hermione." She puts the books down on my cabinet and then smiles at Dora.

"How are you feeling?" She asks, looking back up at me.

I'm about to tell her I'm fine when I realise I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be fine again. They ruined my life.

"I… I don't know." I reply and Hermione nods. "Do people know? Why I'm here?"

"Only the Gryffindor eighth years, the others think you've got a virus, McGonagall started a rumour."

"It won't hold for long."

"Long enough for you to… get your head straight and to get stronger." I nod and Hermione sits down.

We talk for a few minutes and then Flo comes in and looks ecstatic to see I'm awake.

"Mistress Lavender! You is awake! Flo is being worried. Flo is buying lots of things for Mistress Dora, and Flo is bringing you books to buy things. The Ministry is telling Flo she can stay with Mistress Lavender and Mistress Dora." Flo jumps up and down on the spot in excitement and Hermione and I laugh.

"Thank you Flo." Flo passes me the catalogue and then clicks her fingers and the bags of clothes appear, she clicks again and disappears.

Hermione looks through the bags and pulls out some of the clothes to show me, Flo has good taste and I suspect that she picked most of my clothes when I was a baby.

"Harry wants to come and see you."

"Why?" I ask, we've only ever had limited contact and I don't think we've ever had a proper conversation alone.

"He wants to thank you… for Ginny." I nod but know I'm not ready for thanks yet.

"It's too soon. Tell him I'm sorry."

"He'll understand, sometimes we all need to be alone."

Hermione leaves and I look through the catalogues. I used to love shopping but I can't summon the energy to feel excited by it; everything's changed.

* * *

A/N So justice will be served…hopefully! Let me know what you think, especially about Neville because I really enjoy writing him.

Next chapter; Lavender and Dora move out of the hospital wing, Parvati and Lavender talk and Pike has a difficult decision for Lavender.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

witchprincess33- It's pretty intense the whole way through the story!

Luna- I'm glad you like Lavender now! My leg is still not healing, I've just had hydrotherapy and it made me cry, the doctors are worried because it's not healing and I'm on some strong painkillers which is always fun! Thanks for asking.

Allen Pitt- You'll hear more about her Hogwarts plans in the next chapter.

Farrafelpies- No romance for Lavender for quite a while!

Jessalynvix- There will be another punishment but I'm not going to ruin the surprise!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"This is your room Lavender, there's a bathroom there, and we're next door if you need anything." Fleur looks at me, waiting for a response.

"Yeah… thanks." She nods and then puts Dora in the pale green crib in the corner and leaves me alone.

It's Saturday again and I've just been discharged from the hospital wing, it's a Hogsmeade weekend so most of the students are gone and I'm able to get to the apartment by the library without seeing anyone.

I sit on the bed and wonder what to do. I've got homework to catch up on but I know that tonight Pomfrey won't be around to help with Dora so I pick up one of the baby books that Mrs Weasley leant me and start reading.

Some of the pages have tear stains on them and it makes me feel better that even the Weasley matriarch struggled with her emotions when it came to babies. It really doesn't take much to make me cry now and I realise that I'm crying right now, as a tear hits the page.

I haven't had another breakdown since Pike came in and part of me is expecting my resolve to crumble soon.

A knock on the door causes me to look up and swipe at my cheek.

"Yes?"

The door opens and McGonagall looks in.

"How are you settling in?" She asks, looking at the crib and then my unpacked trunk.

"I'm fine."

"You'll forgive me for not believing you, you have told me that a lot this term, Lavender." I look at the floor and then try to look at her face but fall short. "Don't force it, it will come."

"I don't think it will, the charm was…" I tail off and put the book on the bed.

"The charm was detailed, but it was static, our faces change and the charms didn't."

"I…" I try to speak I can't.

"I'm going to arrange for someone to come, for you to talk to…"

"No, I can't talk about it. Not to a stranger, I can't." Dora starts crying and I walk over to her and pick her up, trying to calm her. She's hungry.

I start to feed her and McGonagall sits next to me, it's the easiest place for her to be.

"You're learning fast." I nod but don't reply.

"I would like you to resume Transfi…"

"I can't."

"We don't have to have the lessons in the Transfiguration corridor, we could have them in my office."

"I like Care of Magical Creatures, I like Hagrid. It's easier to… It's hard to be…"

There is a knock on the door and I try to control myself as McGonagall goes to answer it; it's Pike.

"We're captured Carrow, he's in custody now. We're going to interrogate him today."

"Okay, thanks for telling me." I say, looking at Dora's left hand which has gripped my thumb.

"Miss Brown he has agreed to give names."

"Can we trust the names?" McGonagall asks.

"He's going to take Veritserum."

"Okay." I say, still looking at Dora's hand. Pike doesn't leave and I look up at him and see that he has gone quite pale.

"What is it?" McGonagall asks.

"He's agreed to give us the names if…"

"If? What does he want?" McGonagall asks, clearly getting annoyed.

"He wants to see you, Miss Brown."

"What? What do you mean he wants to see her? That's ridiculous, it's completely out of the question!" McGonagall sounds livid and Dora starts to cry and I realise I've been squeezing her. I loosen my hold and put the bottle back in her mouth.

"He said he'll give us all the names if he sees her." Pike says, pointing at me.

"When?" I ask, focussing on Dora's mouth.

"Whenever you want, the sooner…"

"No, it is not happening, I forbid it!"

"Can we go now?" I ask. McGonagall moves over to me.

"Lavender, listen to me. You don't have to do this."

"I want to do the… the brave thing Professor."

"You are Lavender, you're living, you're raising Dora, you're putting it behind you!" She holds on to my hand and I look over at Pike.

"Can we go now?"

"I'll need to make the arrangements, tomorrow morning would be better. You will be safe, he won't be able to hurt you."

"I'm coming with you." McGonagall says firmly.

"I can go alone."

"Not a chance. Fleur can watch Dora." McGonagall disappears and I sit back on the bed. Pike leaves and I can hear McGonagall shouting at him.

Why am I doing this? I know it's not just for the names, I don't care about them that much but I want to face him again, one last time. Dora starts fussing again so I pay more attention to her, trying to concentrate on her and not tomorrow morning.

* * *

It's evening now and I'm sitting in Fleur and Weasley's living room having dinner, they have gone to the hall but I'm still avoiding it. The door opens and Hermione walks in with Parvati, I had asked her to fetch her but now I wish my former best friend wasn't here because I've forgotten how much harder it is to look at her than any of the others. It's not just her face, it's the betrayal that hurts the most.

"Hi." She says quietly, looking at the floor. Hermione looks between us and then asks me silently if she should leave but I shake my head; I need her here.

"I'll send for tea." Hermione says and I nod. Flo delivers a tray and then notices that Parvati is present.

"Miss Parvati, you is not being a good friend, you is not…"

"Flo, enough." I croak and the house-elf looks annoyed but vanishes. Hermione and Parvati sit down and Hermione pours the tea that none of us seem to want to drink.

"Lavender… I… I'm really sorry." Parvati says, after another moment's silence. I focus on the table as I answer.

"What for?"

"For… everything… for not trusting you…"

"Why didn't you?" I ask and Hermione looks between us awkwardly.

"I was angry, it was so horrible last year…"

"Yes, I can imagine." I say without emotion.

"Lavender, I…" Dora starts crying and Parvati shoots a terrified look in the direction of the cry.

"Shall I?" Hermione asks but I shake my head.

"I'll get her, she needs feeding." I walk into the bedroom and pick her up. She cries without tears and I carry her back into the sitting room and Hermione passes me a bottle from the table.

Dora doesn't take the bottle and continues crying. I try and soothe her but then realise she needs changing.

"I can do it." Hermione says and I nod and pass her the baby.

Hermione leaves and I look back at Parvati.

"What do you want me to say to you?" I ask.

"I'm just really sorry Lavender, I want to be friends again, I miss you."

"I'm not the same person that was your friend, I'm not. She died, she gave up."

"Please Lavender, I just want to try."

"I can't, not yet. It's too soon and I can't even look at you."

"You can look at Hermione."

"She wasn't part of the charm, didn't McGonagall tell you?"

"She did but…"

"Are you jealous?" I ask, surprised.

"No! I just…don't get why all of a sudden she's your best friend!"

"Maybe it's because she hasn't spent the whole term being a complete bitch, maybe it's because she actually tried to help me rather than just…"

"I was angry!"

"Yeah, well I'm angry now and I'll probably be for a long time."

"It might be easier, in time, when you come back to class."

"It might."

"I'm sorry that you hate me."

"I don't hate you."

"You don't?"

"No… I just can't be near you without it hurting, it's not just your face, it's…" I trail off, wondering what 'it' is. Parvati stands up.

"I'll go, see you when you're back in class." I don't reply and she leaves.

I breathe a sigh of relief as soon as the door closes and lean back on the sofa. Hermione returns with Dora and I start feeding her.

"Professor McGonagall told me about tomorrow. Are you sure you want to go?"

I don't reply and focus on Dora and Hermione doesn't ask again. When the bottle is finished I put Dora next to me on the sofa and then look at the fire.

"I don't want any regrets." I say.

"You think you'll regret not going?"

"I'd rather regret going than not going. The names will be useful as well, for Pike."

"How many names are missing? Do they know?"

"They know but they haven't told me."

"Do you want me to come with you?" I shake my head. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, thanks though."

When I lie in bed that night all I can think about is his face, his face when he told me the deal, when he left me in the room.

Dora wakes five times during the night to feed and at one point Fleur comes in and offers to feed her but I send her away, it's not like I'm sleeping.

At nine I walk out into the sitting room and McGonagall is already there, talking to Weasley, both looking worried.

"Morning Lavender, do you want some breakfast?" Weasley asks.

"No, I'm fine thanks." I reply, staying by the door.

"At least have some tea." He insists and I nod and move to sit in the armchair.

"Pike will be here soon,'' he says. ''It will be quieter on a Sunday." McGonagall pours the tea and I take a cup with a shaking hand. "You don't have to do this, you know? They can use Veritserum to get the names."

"It's not infallible."

"No, but we can't be sure he'll give us the correct names."

"I don't want any regrets." I say.

"You may regret seeing him, Lavender." Weasley says.

"Yes, I'm sure I will, but I'll regret not seeing him more."

"Are you sure you don't want Hermione to come, or Neville?" McGonagall asks and I shake my head. I don't want Hermione there because I don't want her and Carrow in the same vision field, I don't want her to become a face I associate with Carrow. I need her to be separate.

"I have to do it alone."

"You will not be alone, not for a second." McGonagall says but I don't respond.

When Pike arrives he looks like he's had about as much sleep as I have and I wonder how much this is tearing him up inside. He has a daughter in Ravenclaw, it could have been her and not me.

I feel so detached as I grip the portkey to take us to the Ministry atrium, like I'm not really here, just watching myself and not _being_.

There are only a few people in the Atrium and I notice Ron and Ginny's Dad walking over to us. I suspect McGonagall doesn't trust the Ministry.

"Good morning, they're ready for you downstairs, Kingsley has given you both permission to keep your wands."

"Thank you, Arthur. Will you be coming?" McGonagall asks and Mr Weasley looks at me before replying.

"If you would like."

"Yes, let's get this over and done with." McGonagall says and I nod as well; I have no problem with him being there but it does make me wonder how many people know.

We walk into a lift and I look at Pike.

"Do people know?" I ask. He glances at McGonagall before answering.

"We've tried to contain it but… the Ministry is still being rebuilt, trust is not guaranteed." He might as well have said no, there's a leak somewhere and Pike doesn't know where it is.

"Level Two, Department of Magical Law Enforcement, including the Improper Use of Magic Office, Auror Headquarters and Wizengamot Administration Services." Pike walks out first, followed by McGonagall, me and then Mr Weasley, who closes the lift door behind him.

"Right, he's in an interrogation room on the other side of the office." We start walking and I notice that there are a few more people in this office than upstairs.

"Morning Dawlish." Pike says and I turn to look at the wizard and freeze so suddenly that Mr Weasley bumps into the back of me. He is one of the missing faces, here, free and an Auror.

He looks at me and knows instantly that I've recognised him, he pulls out his wand.

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!"_ The green light sails towards me and Pike jumps in front of me and takes the curse, dropping to the floor, dead. Other Aurors stand up, some to help, but some are the missing pictures. How could I be so stupid? The Ministry was under Voldemort's control; of course some of the people would have turned.

I pull out my wand and so do McGonagall and Mr Weasley. We all back up and my two protectors start firing curses.

Dawlish tries to kill me again but the aim is off and hits the wall above McGonagall, debris rains down on all of us and it's so dusty that I can barely see.

"Lavender, get to the atrium and get back to Hogwarts!" Mr Weasley's voice comes from my right and I trip over McGonagall's still body and I get up. Merlin, please don't let her be dead, not for me!

I scramble back to the lifts and as I'm closing the doors a slicing charm hits my knee. I cry out as the lift carries me away but the cut isn't too deep

I try and pull myself together; I just need to focus on getting to Hogwarts, on getting back to Dora.

As soon as the lift doors open I can see a small group of wizards standing and waiting for my arrival. I make it out of the lift before the notice; they had no way of knowing which lift I was in.

Curses sail towards me but I manage to avoid them. I know I need to get past the fountain to apparate. More people join the fight, to defend me, I even see the new Minister for Magic.

I fire back some hexes, I try to be Gryffindor but I've never been much of a dueller.

"MISS BROWN, GET OUT OF HERE!" The Minister yells and I'm amazed that he even knows my name, he's an incredible dueller there's no doubt about that.

I am halfway around the fountain when it explodes and more debris rains down on me, I lose my bearings for a moment and in that moment I realise that if it wasn't for Dora I would gladly take one of the curses and just end it all. But I have Dora, and I promised her I would never leave her. There are screams everywhere and sounds of Apparation fill the air as more people arrive to help, or hinder.

I get to my feet and try to figure out which way to run but I can't figure it out, I can't place myself.

"Lavender!" It's George Weasley, he grabs my hand and pulls me towards the atrium. "You've got to get back to Hogwarts." A spell shoots between us and hits our hands, forcing us apart. George screams in pain and I realise that his hand bore the brunt, he drops to the floor and I kneel down.

"No, Lavender go! Get to Hogsmeade, the DA are waiting, we got an alert…" Another spell hits my shoulder but it's only a blasting hex, I scream in pain but stagger away from George; I need to get to Hogsmeade.

I finally cross the threshold to the Atrium and Disapparate quickly. I arrive and the battle is raging here as well. I can see most of the DA fighting, along with most of the staff.

Ron is fighting one of the faces but his opponent is distracted my arrival.

"SHE'S HERE!" He yells and his moment of distraction gives Ron the upper hand and he stuns him quickly. The others are alerted to my arrival and I see at least five curses heading straight for me, with no other choice I Disapparate again.

I try and think of somewhere to go and Diagon Alley pops into my head, my decision was too late and although I arrive in the Leaky Cauldron I have splinched myself and I can feel that some of the flesh is missing from my back, some of the names have gone.

The pub is empty, it's too early for drinking apparently. Tom jumps in surprise at my arrival.

"Merlin's Beard! Miss Brown, what happened? What are you doing here?" He asks, moving around the counter as I drop to the floor.

"There's… an attack in Hogsmeade… and the Ministry…"

"What? Good gracious, why?" I don't want to say 'because of me' so I don't answer his question but instead look to the fireplace.

"Please… I need to get to Hogwarts."

"Of course, and then I shall go and assist at the Ministry." He helps me towards the fireplace and just as I am limping into the fireplace the door bursts open and one of the men enters, Tom starts fighting but I know he'll be safer if I leave. I reach out to the Floo powder and grab a handful.

"Hogwarts!" I say and as the green absorbs me another shade of the colour hits Tom on the shoulder and he falls as I vanish.

* * *

A/N Sorry that this is late, I've had some complications with my leg so I was in hospital for a few days. Hopefully things will settle down soon. I'll put the next chapter up tomorrow.

Next chapter; Lavender gets devastating news, and meets the Minister for Magic.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- You will find out about Dora's father soon.

witchprincess33- I really love Flo too, and Fleur in this story.

LUG-14- Yep, now it's even worse! It's like backwards healing, I'm very likely to need another operation soon but they've let me out for now so I can get my head around everything. I'm not allowed to weight-bear, or do anything really, and I've got loads more painkillers. This is good news for you guys though, I had a simple complexity dream while I was on morphine! It was a bit random so I'll have to trim it down to make it plot worthy. They'll be more from Neville soon.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I tumble out of the fireplace into the Headmistress's office and the portraits make noises of surprise and horror at my arrival. I land on the rug and breathe heavily; it can only have been about fifteen minutes since I left the castle and how many people have now died or been injured? For me?

"Miss Brown? What has happened?" It's Dumbledore's voice but I don't answer, it's getting harder to breathe again and I focus on that. Just breathing. I hear the Floo close and I realise that the man can't follow, Hogwarts was waiting for me.

One of the portraits is sent to fetch someone and I don't know how long it is before the door opens and I point my wand at the intruder and my hand shakes but I do not drop it until I'm sure who it is.

"Lavender! Thank Merlin!" It's Hagrid and I cry out and drop my wand.

"Hagrid…I…" I don't know what to say, I can't process how crazy things got how quickly it happened. Hagrid crosses the room and kneels down.

"Where's Professor McGonagall?"

"The Ministry… she… she wasn't moving… Pike's dead…" I think of his daughter and his family.

"The battle in Hogsmeade is over, they left when you did. Let's get you to Poppy." He lifts me up and I close my eyes and block out his conversation with Dumbledore.

Hagrid carries me to the hospital wing and I keep my eyes closed, half to avoid any faces we might pass and half in hope that I will pass out.

"Poppy!" Hagrid calls. I must have passed out because I know that it can't be that quick from one side of the castle to the other.

"Lavender?" It's Hermione and I open my eyes and look at the hospital wing. All the beds are full, not everyone is awake and I feel sick at the thought that one of them could have died for me.

Pomfrey conjures another bed, next to Hermione who has a large dressing on her head but looks fairly well considering. Hagrid lowers me onto the bed and I cry out as my back touches the fabric of my top and roll onto my side.

"Lavender, what happened? Where's Minerva?" Pomfrey asks.

"She… she wasn't moving… I had to run… I'm sorry…" Pomfrey moves her wand over me and I close my eyes and try to shut out all sound. I can hear someone crying but I can't tell who it is. Someone is talking to me but I don't hear them. I don't want to hear them.

I feel a potion bottle at my lips and I open my mouth automatically, hoping it will carry me off. It doesn't but it does remove the physical pain. The second grants my wish and I open my eyes as I welcome the tiredness.

"It's okay Lavender, you're safe now." Pomfrey says, I don't nod but I do close my eyes, I wonder if I'll ever be truly safe again.

* * *

I open my eyes and it's evening. The hospital wing is still busy. Hermione is lying in the bed next to me, talking to Sprout who is in the bed next to her. I can hear a couple crying and they sound vaguely familiar. I push myself into a sitting position, hissing slightly in pain.

"Lavender, you're awake." Hermione says quietly and I turn and look at her; she has been crying and it scares me. If Hermione is upset about something then it will probably affect me too.

"What… what is it?" I ask. I look across the room and Neville is lying in the bed opposite me and he also has tears on his face.

"I…" Hermione starts but then she stops, I look at Sprout even though it scares me and she also looks upset.

"Is Professor McGonagall okay?" I ask, fear gripping me.

"Yes, Lavender, she's in St Mungo's but she'll be back tomorrow they think." Sprout says and I look away from her and back at Neville.

Just then the crying couple come out from behind a curtain and I look up at them and gasp. It's Mr and Mrs Patil. They are grieving.

"No… no…" I mutter and Mrs Patil looks up at me. I hope it's Padma, as horrible as that is, because I haven't forgiven Parvati yet. I haven't accepted her apology.

"She's gone Lavender, Parvati's gone." Mr Patil says and I shake my head because I can't believe it, I refuse to believe it.

"No… she can't be… No…" Hermione starts crying next to me and I know she understands my reaction, she knows how we left things.

Neville is suddenly next to me and pulls me into a hug, I resist at first but then I look up at the Patils over Neville's shoulder and I start sobbing uncontrollably.

I don't know how long I cry for but Neville doesn't move. At some point Weasley comes in and he sits in between me and Hermione, waiting for the tears to subside. When they finally become just hiccups and sniffing I look over at Weasley, he looks exhausted.

"Your Dad? George?" I ask, fearful of the answer.

"Dad's fine, George is in St Mungo's, they need to operate on his hand but he should be fine."

"I can't… believe this…" I stutter and Neville nods next to me.

"They think Dawlish was the leak but there were others in the Ministry that tried to…"

"Kill me." I finish and he nods. "Who else? Who else died?" I ask.

"Dad says you saw Pike?" I nod. "Well, five people at the Ministry were killed and seven in Hogsmeade. Madam Hooch was killed in Hogsmeade." I put my head in my hands and rub my head. "Dean, Hermione, Neville and Luna were injured. Luna's critical. The castle is in lockdown, everyone's in their common room." That explained why Ron and Harry weren't with Hermione.

"You know about Tom, don't you?"

"Tom, the Leaky Cauldron? Yeah he was found, that how you got back here then?" I nod and feel relieved that his sacrifice will be noted.

"The Minister is coming in tomorrow to talk to you, he's going to ask you to go through more pictures. Everyone who was at the Ministry last year basically." I nod.

"Is Fleur okay?"

"She's fine, she's going to bring Dora in soon."

"Has she forgiven you yet?" Hermione asks and Weasley almost smiles as he answers.

"Not completely, honestly you try and stop your pregnant wife from entering a battle and apparently that's the wrong thing to do! She keeps muttering at me in French!"

Pomfrey walks over and checks on all of us before moving the curtains away from Dean's cubicle, he's awake but seems a bit dazed.

"Alright, Dean?" Neville asks.

"Yeah, Lavender are you okay?" I nod but don't look at him.

"Lavender there's something else." Weasley says and I look at him fearfully.

"What?" I croak. Hermione looks down and Neville grips my shoulder; this is going to hurt.

"It's…" He stops talking and takes a deep breath before continuing. "It's Flo, I'm sorry Lavender." I shake my head, it's impossible.

"No… no… you're lying…" I keep shaking my head and Pomfrey walks over to me.

"I'm sorry, Lavender, we couldn't stop her." Weasley says but I keep shaking my head.

"No, Flo! Flo! Flo, I need you! Flo!" She will appear, she will come to me, tugging on her ears and tell me off for getting hurt again. She will jump up onto the bed and try and get me to eat a pie that's bigger than my head.

Flo, the only person that has every really loved me like a parent, she taught me to write, she taught me everything. She looked after me when my parents couldn't care less, she held me when I cried during the summer, she tried to get me to tell her what happened, she loved me and I loved her.

"I… I can't, no, not Flo… please…" Hermione gets out of her bed, ignoring Pomfrey and pulls me into a hug and I cry so hard that it hurts. At some point Pomfrey injects me with a potion and Hermione lowers me onto the bed. I'm still sobbing as the potion drags me under.

* * *

The next morning the lockdown is lifted and the other Gryffindor eighth years all pile in. Seamus avoids looking at me but I'm not sure if it's because he hates me or because he fears that I hate him.

Ginny, Harry and Ron are all gathered around Hermione's bed but Harry sits closer to me and I remember that he wanted to come and see me this week.

The room is quiet and awkward and I know I need to say something.

"I'm sorry." I say, quite loudly. I suspect they have all turned to me but I keep my eyes on my hands. The hex mark that injured George is bandaged up with pale yellow fabric.

"It's not your fault, Lavender." Harry says and I look at him sharply.

"How is it _not_ my fault? They were after me, Harry, they were trying to get to me!"

"You're one of us, Lavender. If they want you they have to go through us!" It's Seamus and I'm so surprised that I look at him.

"They did, they did and look what happened!" I point to the curtains that conceal Parvati's and probably Hooch's bodies. I wonder where Flo's is.

"It wasn't your fault, Lavender." Neville says quietly. "You didn't make us fight, we chose to help."

The door opens and McGonagall walks in with Weasley, Mr Weasley and the Minister. Ron and Ginny jump up and run over to their father who embraces them both. They talk about George but I look at McGonagall, checking for permanent damage. She looks fine apart from a few scratches on her face. She sees me looking and I drop my gaze in shame that I left her there.

"Lavender, are you alright?" She asks, moving over to me and conjuring four chairs.

"I'm really sorry, Professor…"

"It was not your fault Lavender, you did the right thing."

"How did I do the right thing? I left you there! I thought…" I don't finish but McGonagall puts her hand on my shoulder.

"I'll be fine, you protected yourself, that was the right thing to do."

"But… Parvati and Pike and… Flo…" I start crying and she passes me a tissue and waits for the tears to subside.

When they do Pomfrey brings curtains around the cubicle and McGonagall puts up charms so the others can't hear. The Minister, the two Weasleys and McGonagall sit down.

"I am sorry about Flo, Lavender." McGonagall says, holding my hand. I nod.

"She taught me to speak you know?"

"Did she?"

"Yeah, my parents had to get an elocution teacher so that I stopped speaking in first person." I almost smile, remembering the games that Flo and I used to play when I was little.

"We tried to stop her Lavender but house-elf magic is hard to control." I look up at Weasley and nod; I don't want him to blame himself.

"Miss Brown, I'm the Minister for Magic."

"I know." I reply; I'm not stupid.

"I wanted to apologise, on behalf of the Ministry, for what happened yesterday it…"

"You shouldn't have fought."

"Excuse me?"

"You shouldn't have fought them. It was stupid. What would have happened if you'd been killed? We'd need a new Minister again." He looks surprised and Mr Weasley makes a sound that makes me think he agrees with me.

"You may be right, it is hard to stop being an Auror." I nod.

"I'm never going to be safe, am I?" I ask, looking at him.

"You are safe in Ho…" I make noise of disbelief that he can even think about saying that and McGonagall intervenes.

"Now, you are safe in Hogwarts, now you are." She says and the Minister nods.

"I would like you to go through more photos."

"Do you really want to know who it was? What if it's someone you trust?" I ask, looking at him again. I don't care that he's the Minister for Magic, I really don't care that I'm probably being rude.

"We need to find out who hurt you, Miss Brown, justice needs to be served." Mr Weasley says and I look at him and realise that he has the same eyes as Ron.

"Did you see how many Aurors tried to kill me yesterday?" I ask him.

"I did."

"Some of them were already under investigation…" The Minister starts but McGonagall cuts across him and I can tell how angry she is before she even starts speaking.

"So Lavender was the bait, Kingsley?"

"No… I didn't mean…"

"You just want me to weed out the spies, do you?"

"Please, listen to me. Both of you. This was not about weeding out the spies. We knew that some of the people still at the Ministry were sympathetic to Voldemort, but that doesn't mean that we thought they abused you, Miss Brown. That is a line that most wizards do not cross."

"Show me the pictures." I say. I'm sick of talking about this. He looks like he wants to keep talking but he pulls out a file and passes it to me.

I sort through them fairly quickly, 'yes', 'no', and 'maybe'. Just like with Pike. There are only ten wizards in the 'yes' pile and two in 'maybe'. I turn over the last picture and gasp. I know he was there but that is not what has made me gasp; it is his nose.

"Lavender?" McGonagall asks, I ignore her and put the photo on the 'yes' pile and then push them all away from me.

"Yes, no, maybe." I say, keeping my eyes down and away from the last photo.

"Are you sure about him, Lavender?" Shacklebolt asks, putting the last photo back in front of me.

"Yes." I reply, not looking at it.

"Proudfoot is a well-res…" Shacklebolt begins but then I hear McGonagall gasp and I know she has also made the connection.

"Minerva?" Mr Weasley asks.

"Is that all of the photos?" I ask, because I don't want them to discuss it in front of me.

"Yes, the maybes?" Shacklebolt asks and I keep my eyes down as I answer.

"Imperius curse, both of them."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, their eyes."

"Very well, I will make a note, I just want to go back to Prou…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I just…"

"Enough, Kingsley, she is sure. I will discuss it with you later." McGonagall says and I'm grateful.

"Very well, we also wanted to know if any female Death Eaters were present at all?"

"Bellatrix and Carrow."

"Anyone else?"

"No, they weren't there very often, just when they wanted information."

"Information on what?" Weasley asks. I don't answer.

"Lavender?" McGonagall asks but I shake my head, no good would come of them knowing.

"It might help…"

"It won't help, haven't I told you enough!" I snap. "It's bad enough that everyone knows now, thanks for warning by the way! What else do you want from me? Do you want me to meet every one of them? Do you…"

"Alright, Lavender, enough." Weasley says quietly and I wipe away the tears and nod but I am not done.

"Do you realise what's going to happen now? I'm never going to have a normal life! I'm never going to be free of them! Even if you catch them all and lock them up I'll always be the stupid girl that made the deal!"

"You were not stupid, you were brave!" McGonagall says.

"No, bravery implies a choice, there was no choice! If it wasn't me it would have been… Ginny or Parvati or… do you think I could have lived with that? How would you feel if it was Ginny and you knew that I could have done something?" I ask, looking at Mr Weasley. He has tears in his eyes and I look away.

"You will be given protection after Hogwarts, Lavender." The Minister says and I look at him.

"Who? Aurors? Well forgive me if that doesn't fill me with much confidence."

"Okay, I think we need to have a break, this isn't getting us anywhere." Weasley says and I'm grateful because I feel exhausted and I really want to see Dora.

"Yes, good idea, Bill." Mr Weasley says, standing up.

"I want to see Dora." I say, looking at Weasley and he nods.

"I saw that you named her Dora, Tonks was a good friend of mine, a remarkable witch. Did you know her?" The Minister asks with the ghost of a smile on his face. I look right at him as I reply.

"No, she died on me, that kind of thing tends to leave an impression, Minister." He pales slightly and I feel bad. I'm not really angry with him. I'm just angry.

He leaves the cubicle first.

"I'm glad that you are recovering well after yesterday, Miss Brown and…" Mr Weasley hesitates and I look up at him.

"Thank you… for Ginny." I nod and then realise that I need to thank him too.

"Thanks for yesterday, and thank Mrs Weasley for the baby things, I'll get Flo to… I'll get them back to you." I finish so quietly that I doubt he can hear it.

"No rush, it will give Bill and Fleur a chance to study up."

"Mom a chance to quiz us, more like." Weasley says and I can hear his forced smile. Mr Weasley leaves too and his son follows him and then pokes his head back in.

"I'll get Fleur to bring Dora."

"Thanks, Professor." He nods and leaves as well.

McGonagall hasn't moved and I wipe the errant tears off my face.

"I'm sorry." I say. I'm sure she's going to reprehend me for my rudeness, my disrespect.

"I was actually going to congratulate you, I thought you handled that rather well, for a Gryffindor especially." I snort.

"Perhaps I shouldn't be in Gryffindor."

"Gryffindor is defined by people like you, Lavender, defined."

"Thanks." I mutter and I try to look at her again but again I fall short and rub my head in frustration.

"Proudfoot?"

"You saw it too didn't you?" I ask.

"I did, she has his nose." I nod.

"I didn't want to know who it was, I don't want to remember his face when I look at her."

"She has your eyes, focus on that." I nod and then McGonagall stands up and removes the charms and the curtains.

"Are you alright, Lavender?" Ginny asks and I nod but don't look at her. "I'm really sorry about what…"

"I don't want to talk about it." I say, staring at my hands.

No one talks for several minutes after that and McGonagall leaves.

"Hermione?"

"Yes."

"Have you got the paper?" Hermione looks surprised and looks away from me as she answers.

"I… I'm not sure where it went." She's lying and I catch Ron trying to hide the paper behind his back; subtlety was never Ron's strong suit.

"I want to see it, Ron." I say, looking at him.

"I don't have it."

"I can see it!"

"It's… tomorrow's, I mean yesterday's…"

"How the hell are you still such a crap liar?" I ask and Harry snorts.

"I don't want to give it to you." Ron says, looking at me and then Hermione.

"Ron, I know it's in there!"

"Hand it over, Weasley. Miss Brown has the right to know." Ron looks at Sprout, clearly annoyed, but then pulls out the paper and brings it over to me, he doesn't let it go though.

"Just… don't get upset." He says and I pull it out of his grasp and open it up. There is a large picture of me on the front page but I have no idea when it was taken, not recently because I look like a different person.

_THE ANGEL OF HOGWARTS!_

_If you had a daughter at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last year then you should thank one girl for her safe return. Lavender Brown, now eighth year Gryffindor and daughter of Herbologists Castor and Marjory (for details for their neglect case see page seven), was almost killed yesterday as she travelled to the Ministry to identify the men who sexually abused her during the previous year. Miss Brown claims she was held in a room and repeatedly raped and abused whilst images of female staff and students hovered above her to ensure her co-operation. A source from inside the Ministry informs me that Miss Brown made a deal with the Carrows that she would suffer the horrifying fate rather than any other females at the school. The source also claims that Miss Brown told no one of her situation until last week when she gave birth, at Hogwarts, to a daughter conceived during her captivity. Miss Brown has currently identified 47 men who participated in the abuse but the source says that they believe there could be up to 2o more, still living among us. Professor McGonagall refused to comment and the Ministry said they could not officially comment on an ongoing investigation._

I put the paper down, feeling sick. I am never going to get away from this and nor is Dora.

The hospital wing doors open and Fleur walks in carrying Dora.

"She haz been missing you." Fleur says, smiling.

"She'd be better off without me." I reply, contemplating adoption for the first time since her birth.

"Don't say that, Lavender." Hermione says from the next bed and I turn to her.

"She's never going to get away from this Hermione, she'll find out…" Dora starts to cry and I turn to her.

"She is hungry, I have a bottle." Fleur passes her to me and I have no choice but to hold her.

"She is beautiful, Miss Brown." Sprout says and I nod as I push the bottle into her mouth. I try to focus away from her nose but it's hard so I change the angle of the bottle and look at her chin instead.

The others talk quietly as I feed her and Fleur sits down in McGonagall's chair, joining the conversation that I am not following.

Tears slide down my face but I let them; I'm so sure that I'll have to give her up that the decision is already made. I can't bear the thought of her hating me because she knows what happened, I'd rather she hated me for giving her up.

I hear Fleur stand up and I wonder if she is leaving but then she sits on the edge of the bed and draws the curtains around and casts privacy charms.

"Lavender?"

"I have to give her up."

"No, no one wants you to do that."

"She'll always know… I can't… I can't keep her."

"Lavender, Professor McGonagall and the Minister are working on a plan, they will keep you safe, and they will keep you together."

"We can't be both… it's impossible."

"Nothing is impossible, Lavender." She rubs my back and I look into her perfect face.

"I'd rather she didn't know me than hate me because she does."

"Don't lose hope." I look back at Dora and it hurts to look at her now, like a knife through my heart.

I know she's all I've been fighting for, when she's gone, I will go too.

* * *

A/N So things have gone from bad to worse and now everyone knows about the deal, poor Lavender! Let me know what you think.

Next chapter; McGonagall tries to convince Lavender that she won't need to give up Dora, it's Parvati's funeral, and Bill wonders if he is good enough to be Head of Gryffindor.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- I contemplated making Voldemort the father but decided that it was too obvious. We'll hear more about Proudfoot.

LUG-14- Of course McGonagall's fine, as if I could ever kill her! Thanks for the hopes for healing, it's like waiting for a bomb to go off in my leg, very strange!


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I move back into Weasley and Fleur's apartment the next day and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like there's a point to anything anymore. I'm counting down to when I know that McGonagall and Shacklebolt will come in and tell me that I have to give Dora up.

I don't look at her anymore and Fleur gets up to feed her and change her and I know she's worried, Weasley too but I can't muster the energy to care.

It's Wednesday afternoon now and I'm sat on my bed, I can hear Dora crying in her crib but I don't move. I just stare ahead, unseeing. I could end it all now, I probably should. There's no point in waiting till McGonagall comes, she's probably just thinking of the best way to break it to me.

Fleur comes in and picks up Dora, I know she's talking to me but I don't hear her, I'm not trying to. The door opens and Hermione walks in, she must have a free period. I think she's talking to me as well, she probably is.

I close my eyes against the noise, I pull my knees up to my chest and hug my legs, stare at the duvet.

A slight unbalance tells me that someone has sat on the bed but I don't turn to see who it is

There is a loud bang and it makes me jump and turn. McGonagall is sat on the bed, her smoking wand in her hand, and Weasley is standing behind her, I didn't even realise they were in here. It's hard to pay attention again so I try. I feel I need to unload the burden of telling me that Dora will be taken from me from McGonagall, so I start.

"I know, you don't have to tell me."

"What do you know?" She asks.

"I have to give her up."

"You won't be giving her up, unless you continue with this… listlessness in which case Madam Pomfrey will be forced to give you potions and we will take care of Dora until you can."

"I have to give her up." I repeat and Weasley sits at then end of the bed and looks at me.

"Lavender, you don't have to give her up, no one wants that." He says firmly but I still don't allow myself to hope.

"We'll never be safe together."

"There will always be… a risk." McGonagall says, selecting the last word carefully.

"Pretty big risk. Do you really think I'll be able to get a job? Work at the Ministry? Walk in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade? And still be safe. I might not be as smart as Hermione but I'm not stupid."

"No, you are not stupid, Lavender. You are brave."

"They're not mutually exclusive."

"Listen to me." She says and I look up at her but then chicken out at the last minute and close my eyes. "You will not have to give up Dora. We are working on keeping you both safe. Have you heard of the Order of the Phoenix?"

"Yes, Dumbledore started it." I reply, remembering a newspaper article I read in the summer.

"He did, it is for people who fought against Voldemort."

"I know, what's that got to do with me?"

"The people in the group, those of us who survived of course, can be trusted."

"So?"

"We have called a meeting, you will be protected by the Order."

"For the rest of my life, don't you think that's a bit ambitious?"

"The protection will be adaptable depending on how things develop. We are still working on the technicalities. It is likely that you will have to change your name, adopt a new identity, and perhaps move abroad for a while but we will put the plan into action after you have left Hogwarts."

"You still think I should finish Hogwarts?"

"I think it would be unwise for you to abandon your education."

"Lavender, you need to take one step at a time, don't think too far ahead." Weasley says and I look at him although I'm still not hopeful in the slightest.

"And you really think I'll be able to walk through the corridors, have lunch in the Great Hall, go to classes, and still be safe? How many people's fathers have I incriminated? How many Uncles? How many brothers?"

"That is where the DA come in." McGonagall says, sounding proud.

"You've got it all figured out, haven't you?"

"We are trying, Lavender." Weasley says and I look at him again.

"Don't you see the big problem?"

"No, but I'm sure you'll enlighten us." I've always rather admired McGonagall's wit but now it just annoys me.

"I don't want anyone else to die for me! It was bad enough with Tom, and Pike and Parvati- she was my best friend and I never even forgave her, she died and I still hated her… I still hated her." I can't even mention Flo because it hurts too much.

"You had every right to still be angry with her, but you both knew that you still loved each other. She knew you just needed time and space."

Dora starts crying again and I look over to the crib but don't move.

"She needs her mother." McGonagall says and I actually look back at her and straight in her eyes even though it still hurts.

"You're really not going to take her away from me?"

"No, go to her Lavender." I nod and move over to her. Her eyes have opened more since I last held her and she looks at me and stops crying. I pick her up anyway and bring her back to the bed and lie her in front of me.

"Lavender, you need to be keep strong now." I look up at McGonagall and I notice it doesn't hurt as much as I expect it to.

"I don't know if I can."

"Women are like tea-bags, they never know how strong they are until they get into hot water." McGonagall and I both turn to Weasley in surprise.

"One of my mom's sayings." I smile and he does too. "She's always right, Lavender." I nod and then look back at Dora. The water is hot, boiling even, how strong will I be?

* * *

I dress almost mechanically for Parvati's funeral. It's to be held at a Wizarding church near the Patils' home in the Midlands. I wasn't expecting to be able to go but McGonagall insisted and the Order will accompany me.

Pomfrey has agreed to watch Dora who has been a bit grouchy overnight, she can't seem to settle. I read one of Ron's mother's books and I suspect she has colic. I pick her up and carry her out of the room. Weasley and Fleur are sat having tea, it's a Saturday so neither has classes and I think they are both coming to the funeral.

"Morning Lavender, rough night?" Weasley asks, pouring out some tea for me. I move and sit on the armchair.

"Yeah, she won't settle." I reply. As if to emphasize my point she starts crying and I bounce her slightly to try and entertain her. "I think she's got colic."

"Well, Poppy will know. She could always give her some Remmington's. Gin had really bad colic when she was a month old, Dad was nearly tearing his hair out and Ron got upset every time she cried, couldn't wait to get to Hogwarts that year!" I smile and then the door opens and Mr Weasley walks in with McGonagall and Hagrid.

"That sound takes me back." Mr Weasley says, smiling at Dora. I nod and then Fleur offers to take her so I can drink some tea.

"Right well, the plan is simple. You will stay close to Hagrid, Arthur and Hermione, is that alright with you?" I nod and McGonagall moves into the small kitchen and talks to Weasley. I suspect they're talking about me but I don't really care.

"Alright, Lavender?" Hagrid asks.

"Yeah, you?" I reply. He nods but does not elaborate; it's the day of a funeral and no one is really alright.

Hermione comes in next with Pomfrey who sweeps over to Dora and takes her off Fleur.

"Now, we'll have none of that today, young lady." She taps Dora lightly on the nose and she stops crying instantly.

"How did you do that?" I ask, amazed. "She's been crying all night." I am a rubbish mother.

"She'll start again soon, it sounds like colic though, I'll go through the treatment later." I nod and then Pomfrey and the now sleeping Dora leave.

"You had a bad night with her then?" Hermione asks.

"Yeah, barely got an hour."

"If you need a break just let me know."

"Thanks Hermione." I pause and then realise that everything has been about me lately. "How are you?"

"Me, I'm fine. Luna's in the hospital wing now as well, she should be awake soon."

"Good. Have the nightmares stopped?"

"Mostly." Hermione looks around to check that no one is within earshot but they are all in the kitchen, "I've spent most nights with Ron… we're not… doing stuff it's… it's just I find it easier to sleep when I know where he is, when I can hear him snoring. That sounds pathetic doesn't it?"

"No," I laugh slightly, "you spent a whole year together listening to him snoring, of course you miss it. How do you get around the charm though?" Hermione pauses, as if she's going to correct me but then she closes her eyes and her face changes.

"I'm not Head Girl for nothing, Lavender." I smile even though I'm wondering what she stopped herself from saying.

"Have you spoken to Padma?"

"Briefly, she wants to talk to you." Fear grips me.

"Does she?"

"Yeah, I think she might try today, thought you'd appreciate a warning." I nod and then we don't speak until it's time to leave.

We floo to the church and when I land Hagrid is waiting for me. I move towards him and he gives me a sad smile.

"It will be 'right Lavender, don't worry. Just say goodbye to Parvati, don't worry 'bout anything else." I nod and find myself quite comforted by his words.

Hermione and McGonagall arrive next and McGonagall goes straight up to the Patils and talks to them. Mr Weasley comes to stand with me and Fleur and Weasley walk over to the other Gryffindors.

"Let's sit down, at the back." Mr Weasley says and I nod. We sit on the back row and I am in between Hagrid and Hermione. Mr Weasley sits on her other side with his wand hand inside his cloak. I feel for mine automatically and find it where it should be.

In the row in front Neville sits with Dean and then Mr Ollivander slides in next to him and they greet each other warmly.

The service starts and I struggle to follow the words of the Minister. How can Parvati be dead? She was only seventeen and the war was over! I feel Hermione shaking slightly next to me and I see she is crying. I don't think I'm crying but I'm not entirely sure.

Padma walks up to the front of the stage and I try to force myself to look at her but I can't so I stare at the coffin, wrapped in a Gryffindor flag. Finally I can look at Parvati again, although admittedly she is in a wooden box.

"When Parvati and I first went to Hogwarts I was sure that we would be in the same house, we were identical." Padma pauses and looks at the coffin and takes a deep breath. "When she was put in Gryffindor I was surprised but I thought we would stay close… best friends. We didn't." I look down and feel the tears on my face. "Parvati died for someone she loved, and that is the bravest act. The most Gryffindor act. She was still my sister though, and I know she loved being in Gryffindor as much as I love being in Ravenclaw. She's still my sister." Padma walks down and sits next to her parents. I look at my hands, the guilt over-whelming me. Hermione squeezes my hand.

Mr Patil starts to talk but I don't follow what he is saying. I can see the grief etched on his face and I think how painful it must be to lose a child, it's against the natural order. I was planning to kill myself if Dora was taken away, she is my sole reason for living. I hope that the Patils' have more reasons that me.

The coffin disappears and people start to move out of their seats. Mr Ollivander turns around and looks at me.

"I knew that there was a reason for the wand, Miss Brown. Wands rarely make the wrong decision." I nod and then he leaves.

"What did he mean?" Hermione asks.

"When I got a new wand he was worried because it's a hawthorn and they are supposed to be given to witches and wizards who have proven themselves. He thought it was mistaken and it would backfire." Hermione nods but does not comment.

"Lavender?" Her voice is so similar to her sister's and I try to look at her but fall short and look just past her. "My parents want to talk to you." I nod and Hagrid stands up to let me out. The Patils are standing about ten feet away with McGonagall. I walk over to them and I can feel Hagrid and Mr Weasley walking slightly behind me, close enough to act, far enough for privacy.

"Hello Lavender. How are you?" Mrs Patil asks, wrapping me in a hug. I stiffen initially but then all the emotions pour out and I sob, she holds me tighter. She's always been a hugger; Parvati and Padma used to moan about it but I've always loved the warmness with which she greets me. I can't remember ever being hugged by my mother.

Mrs Patil sniffs and then holds me at arm's length and looks at me as if she is x-raying me.

"Don't blame yourself Lavender, please." She says, with tears threatening to overflow her eyelids.

"But it was my fault…"

"It wasn't, none of this was your fault. None of it."

"I didn't forgive…"

"She understood, she still loved you otherwise she wouldn't have been out there. No one could have held her back, she was stubborn. She was a Gryffindor and she knew that you still loved her." I shake my head because it hurts too much to hear these words.

"Lavender, you were best friends and she thought you had betrayed her when it was the other way around, she knew why you were angry." Mr Patil puts his hand on my shoulder and I look up at him. "If it wasn't for you she could have been in that room, or Pads. We owe you our girls."

"She knew you would forgive her, she told me." I look up at Padma in surprise and then look away and gasp.

"Lavender?" McGonagall asks, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm… sorry I'm fine."

"She explained to me about the charm, she understood why you couldn't look at her, why you stayed with Hermione Granger. She wasn't mad at you, not at the end." Padma finishes and I nod.

"Thank you."

"Keep in touch, Lavender. If you can." Mrs Patil looks up at McGonagall.

"We will find a way, Mrs Patil. We should get you back Lavender, more people are arriving for the wake." I nod; the funeral guests had been screened but McGonagall couldn't guarantee the allegiance of all the guests.

Hermione comes over and talks to the Patils and McGonagall walks me over to Hagrid and Mr Weasley.

"Ready ter head back?" Hagrid asks.

"Yes, you certainly need a sleep Lavender." McGonagall says and I nod because I am exhausted.

"What's happened to Flo's… to Flo?" I ask, looking at Hagrid.

"We've kept her, we can bury her, if you want?"

"Yes… it wouldn't feel right otherwise."

"We'll talk about it tomorrow, come on other guests are due." McGonagall's eyes sweep the room and I keep mine down. We walk over to the fireplace and floo back to Weasley and Fleur's apartment.

I thank them and then walk into the bedroom and climb into bed, still fully clothed.

I'm only asleep for thirty minutes before a nightmare wakes me up; Parvati is screaming at me and I can't look away from her face.

It's Mr Weasley that wakes me up and I'm surprised he's still here before I realise the time and see that I've not been asleep long.

"Minerva gave me a potion for you." He passes it to me and I take it with a shaking hand.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome, get some rest Lavender, Ginny had colic for four months!"

"Four months?" I ask, pausing before I take the potion.

"That's unusual apparently. I'll ask Molly if she knows any tips." I nod and take the potion. Mr Weasley smiles and leaves the room. I sink back against the pillows and it only takes a minute for my exhaustion and the potion to team up and pull me under their spell.

* * *

When I next wake it's nearly dinner time and I walk into the sitting room and see Weasley reading one of the baby books while Fleur changes Dora on the rug.

"Studying up, Professor?" I ask and he looks up and smiles.

"Got lunch at home tomorrow, I know Mom's going to quiz me."

"When is it due?" I ask Fleur, sitting down, she passes Dora to me and she seems calmer than this morning.

"End of Avril."

"How are you feeling?" I ask, trying to mentally block out where I was at three months; in the townhouse throwing up all the time.

"Just a bit tired, I miss wine as well." I smile and Weasley puts down his book and looks at me.

"Lavender… is… is there anything I could have done that would have made you tell us that you were pregnant?" I look at him and wonder if this has been eating away at him; it's his first two months in the job and he's had to deal with me.

"No. I was just concentrating on… hiding it. That's why I wouldn't let Madam Pomfrey examine me, I knew she would figure it out."

"Maybe if I'd spent more time…"

"No, honestly Professor, you probably could have followed me around all day and I still wouldn't have told you."

"I told him, he iz a worrier." Fleur says, looking triumphant.

"You could have just told us you were pregnant and not mentioned last year?" He presses and I laugh slightly.

"And have Seamus think I spent the time sleeping my way around South America, I don't think so. Look nothing could have made me tell you, I just pushed it away. Please don't blame yourself, it probably would have been worse if McGonagall was still the Head of Gryffindor, I can't even look at her."

"Okay… thanks." I nod and Dora makes a slight gurgling noise and I look down at her.

"I can't believe it's only been two weeks, it seems like forever."

"We were thinking that actually." Weasley says, picking up the book again.

"It will not be long before we have our babe Bill, and then we shall blink and it will be at 'ogwarts."

"I know, I feel so grown up."

We spend the evening talking and laughing. Bill reads the baby book, Fleur knits a blanket and I flick through one of the catalogues and point my wand and any items I want to buy. When I go to bed I feel good and I'm surprised by how much my mood is swinging; life is strange.

* * *

A/N So we say goodbye to Parvati, what did you think?

Next chapter; Lavender has a nasty surprise for McGonagall, and Lavender decides to have a funeral for Flo.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Guest- You'll find out if Lavender will get another house-elf in the next chapter.

witchprincess33- I know, reporters are mean! At least they didn't accuse Lavender of making it up though, it could be worse.

LUG-14- Lol, don't worry I won't kill Luna. I'm having the operation on Wednesday so hopefully they'll fix me properly this time!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Dora has another bad night and at four I give up trying to stay in bed and take her into the living room and lie on the sofa with her on my chest. I miss Flo so much that it hurts. It's not like I would make her raise Dora like my parents did but I just miss her company, the way she tugged on her ears when she was excited or worried, the way she used to make up games for us to play when I was little.

Tears roll down my face but I don't bother wiping them away, Dora starts fussing again so I sit up.

A house-elf enters the room and looks surprised to see me.

"Sorry to be disturbing you Miss, Nimph is just wanting to stoke the fire."

"It's fine, carry on." The elf walks over to the fire and adds some more logs and then turns to me.

"You is Miss Lavender, Flo's Mistress?" He asks.

"Yes, that's right." I reply, the words catching in my throat.

"Flo was the second cousin of my mother's uncle." I try and follow the family tree but give up.

"Oh, I'm sorry for your loss."

"We has been sad in the kitchens but we is knowing that Flo loved her Mistress and Flo would be happy that she is dying for her Mistress."

"I'm going to have a funeral for her, you can come if you want, and the other elves."

"It is not being our place to grieve Miss."

"Everyone has the right to grieve Nimph. I'll tell Professor McGonagall when the funeral is and she'll let you come, if you want."

"Miss is kind, will Miss be getting another house-elf?"

"I don't know… Flo was… she was more than just a house-elf to me, I don't know if I could replace her, it wouldn't be right." Nimph nods and then leaves the room. I stare at the fire.

I couldn't replace Flo; people don't replace their parents, they don't replace the people they love.

* * *

At seven I'm dozing lightly on the sofa and Fleur comes out of the bedroom and sits in the armchair.

"Another bad night?"

"Yeah, I'm alright though."

"It's okay to ask for help Lavender."

"You're already helping me, and you said yourself that you're tired."

"Poppy is going to come by this morning with some potions for her, they should help." I nod but don't reply. "Tea?"

"Yes please." Fleur stands up and then sits down again and looks at me carefully.

"You must have been so scared, Lavender."

"What? In the room?"

"No, of course you were scared there, I mean when you realised you were pregnant."

"Oh, it took a few months before I realised. I'd lost so much weight anyway and I was throwing up because I hadn't eaten properly in months."

"When did you realise?"

"July, the bump popped up in about a week, I felt her move in August."

"Did you consider seeing a healer, or a doctor?"

"No, I thought I could do it on my own."

"Did you read about anything?"

"No… I only realised how stupid that was when I was in labour, so stubborn and naïve."

"What did you plan to do when the baby came?"

"I didn't… I really had no idea. I was scared." Fleur nods and sniffs slightly before moving into the kitchen. Perhaps if I talk to people about how I feel then McGonagall won't make me see a therapist.

Fleur returns with the tea and I sit up and put Dora next to me on the sofa. As soon as my hands move away from her she starts screaming. I sigh heavily and go to pick her up again. Weasley walks out of the bedroom and sits on the other armchair.

"Rough night again? You should have woken us."

"It's fine…"

"Give her here, drink some tea, you look like hell." I smile and pass Dora over to him and then drink some tea.

"Thanks." I say as I put the tea back down. Dora starts fussing and Weasley puts her on his shoulder and taps her back. "You're a natural."

"Oldest of seven Lavender." He says and then his face changes. "Six now."

"How's George? Is he home yet?"

"Yeah, he came to the wake yesterday, I saw him talking to Padma."

"It might help them both." Fleur says and I nod.

"Is his hand alright now?"

"It's fine, got a cool scar though, he was chuffed." I smile and then think of all the scars on my body and the smile slips from my face.

"I'm going to try and catch up on some work today."

"You should sleep." Weasley says and I shake my head.

"I want to work, it's already been two weeks; if I wait much longer it will be too hard to catch up."

"Don't use work as a distraction."

"Why not? I need to do it, why not now?" Weasley clearly can't think of a comeback so I take another sip of tea.

"Well, we're going to the Burrow at twelve, we'll be back before dinner and Neville is going to come and stay with you." I nod; it will be nice to spend some time with Neville and I'm sure he'll help me with Herbology.

After twenty minutes Dora falls asleep on Weasley's shoulder and he moves her to the Moses basket that is on the table. They both leave for breakfast and I eat a couple of pieces of toast that appears on the coffee table. I then glance at the basket and cast some charms around it so that it won't roll off the table and I will be alerted if Dora cries and then walk into the bathroom and have a shower.

The water doesn't wake me up as much as I expected it to and I can't scrub my back as much as I usually do. The splinch site is still tender although I'm comforted by the fact that some of the names are off my back, if only they could be out of my mind as well.

I dry myself and look in the mirror. I'm pale and my face is still thin. The baby weight is still there but I really couldn't care less; it's not like I'm trying to make myself attractive in any way. I'll probably never have sex again, never be able to trust any man enough.

I pull on a pair of jogging bottoms and a black t-shirt and Gryffindor hoodie and I'm drying my hair with my wand when the charm tells me that Dora is crying. I towel dry the rest of my hair quickly and then pull it up into a messy bun and walk back into the living room.

She's screaming but as soon as I lift her she quietens to more of a disgruntled noise of discontent. I carry her over to the sofa and put her on my shoulder before summoning the pile of books and parchment that Hermione has been bringing me.

I start with Charms but within a few minutes I'm drifting off so I lie down and put Dora on my chest again.

The door opens and I look around and see McGonagall and Pomfrey walking in. I sit up and try to wake up a bit more.

"Morning." I say. Dora cries and it's like she's disagreeing with me and for a moment I wonder if it is afternoon but then notice the clock and see that it's only just nine.

"Good morning, give her here." Pomfrey says holding out her arms. I pass Dora over instantly and Pomfrey sits in the armchair with the baby lying on her legs. "Now I think we've heard quite enough from you for now, you little madam, shall we give you a nice colic potion and then you can have a proper sleep and give your Mummy a rest. Is she due a feed?"

I look at the clock again and try to figure it out.

"Probably, I'll get a bottle." I stand and walk over to the cool cupboard with all the milk for her and then return to the sofa.

"Could I feed her?" McGonagall asks, in a most un-McGonagall like voice. I find myself wondering if she has a family.

"Sure, be my guest." Pomfrey passes Dora over and then conjures a tray of tea. I don't think I've ever had so much tea in my life as in the past two weeks; my blood must be full of the stuff.

"Now, she's definitely got colic, we can give her a potion twice a day to help with it."

"How long will it last? I can barely put her down for ten minutes."

"It varies, hopefully it won't last more than a couple of weeks but it can go on for months…"

"Months?" I put my head in my hands in despair, she's only had it for three days and I can barely function.

"We'll have to make up some sort of rota system so that you can get some rest."

"Rota system? Who?"

"Only people you trust Lavender, it will be controlled by you, don't worry." McGonagall says, not looking up from making baby faces at Dora; this is really weird.

"Any ideas?" Pomfrey asks.

"I don't know… I don't want to be any trouble."

"Nonsense, we will both help, Bill and Fleur as well. Pomona loves children, Hermione has already volunteered, as well as Ginny."

"Ginny volunteered?"

"Yes, she spoke to Bill after the funeral yesterday, she wants to help." I nod. It feels strange because we've not really spoken before.

"I'll think about it."

"Excellent, and we were wondering when you would like to return to classes?"

"I don't know, I tried to do some work earlier but I only read about three lines before I dropped off."

"Well I think we should reduce your timetable. Do you still want to drop Divination?" McGonagall asks.

"Yes, she hovers around me like a… a thing that hovers." I'm so tired I can't even think properly.

"We can sort that out, anything else you would like to drop?"

"Defense Against the Dark Arts. It's not that I don't like it, or that I don't think it's useful… I just hate thinking of all ways… all the spells I could have used… it makes me realise how weak…"

"You were not weak. But I accept your decision. Professor Doge was concerned about your concentration in the class anyway so he suspected you did not want to be there."

"Will you let him know it's nothing personal? He's a good teacher."

"Of course, have you thought about Transfiguration?" I look back to the books and try to imagine a Transfiguration book with them. It was one of my favourite subjects; surely they shouldn't control my whole life.

"Okay, but if I take it I want to drop Charms, the class is too big."

"Very well, I shall speak to Pomona, Hagrid, Bill, I will also ask Fleur to give you some help catching up with the Transfiguration work before we start lessons."

"Thanks."

"Four subjects should be much better. Are they are small classes?" Pomfrey asks and I nod.

"There are only seven in Ancient Runes, five in Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology is still big though but all of the Gryffindors are there.. When do you think I should start again?"

"I think you should give yourself another week, then start classes, and then maybe the next week you can move back to your room."

"Okay, I'd like to spend some time in the Common Room though, the eighth year one so I can get used to being around them again."

"That's a good idea, Hogwarts will create a door… ah there it is." A door appears next to the fireplace and I'm amazed.

"How did you…?"

"That wasn't me, that was Hogwarts."

"But then…" I stop and look down. If it was that easy for the castle to create a doorway then why couldn't it get me out of that damn room. McGonagall clearly knows what I stopped myself from saying and she puts her hand on my knee.

"Hogwarts was supressed last year, Snape had to lock the castle it it's state so that it couldn't create anymore secret passage ways. Do you remember that the stairs didn't move?"

"Oh… no I didn't notice." I'm still not entirely comforted but it does help slightly.

"Have you spoken to Snape, about what happened?"

"I have, he has been most helpful with the pictures as well. He feels terrible for not realising something was not right. The order for you to be removed from Hogwarts, by your parents, apparently came from Voldemort himself and Snape did not think to question it." I suddenly feel quite sick and take a gulp of tea to supress the feeling.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. Perhaps another time, he would like to speak to you. As would Professor Dumbledore." I nod.

"Not yet. How's Luna Lovegood?"

"She'll be fine, she's awake now, she'll be discharged by Wednesday."

"Good. Will you thank her for me?"

"Of course I will." Pomfrey says. McGonagall finishes feeding Dora and then Pomfrey shows me the potions to use and how to administer them. Dora seems to like the taste of the first one and her eyes open wider and she opens her mouth in anticipation of more. The second one does not seem to be as tasty but Dora takes it well and then her face loses its redness and she looks happier.

"Will she sleep better now?"

"Yes, go and pop her in the crib, we'll wait here." I follow the instructions and then return to the living room, half expecting Dora to start crying again as soon as I am out of the room. She doesn't.

"Thanks."

"You're most welcome."

"Can I have a service for Flo?" I ask, looking at McGonagall's elbow.

"Of course, we could have one this afternoon, Hagrid has suggested she could be buried in his garden, behind the pumpkin patch."

"She'd like that, she liked pumpkin. We used to carve them all year round just so she could make pie." My voice shakes and I take another sip of tea, the drink is endless. "Some of the house-elves knew her, could they come?"

"Of course." McGonagall clicks her fingers and an elderly looking elf wearing a tea-cosy as a hat appears.

"Yes Professor, how can Marty be of service?"

"We will be having a memorial service for Flo this afternoon, three o'clock by the pumpkin patch. Please tell the elves that they are more than welcome to attend." Marty's eyes fill with tears.

"Professor McGonagall is very kind, Marty is Flo's cousin's third Uncle!"

"Well then I hope to see you there Marty, that will be all." Marty nods and then disappears.

"Are all the elves related?" I ask, thinking of Nimph.

"All humans are related as well, to some extent. Elves just remember the links. I imagine they'll all come." I nod.

"I still can't believe she's gone. Do you know if… if it hurt her? When she died?"

"It was instant Lavender, a death curse that was heading for Pomona." I'm relieved to hear this, really relieved.

"Thanks, that's better, I think."

"I wanted to discuss something else with you."

"What?" I ask, instantly weary.

"We have had a great deal of letters delivered for you."

"Letters? Who from?"

"Families of girls who were here last year, and just normal wizards and witches who wanted to thank you. We screened the letters to make sure that there were no hexes or anything. Would you like to read them?" I'm surprised but I nod. McGonagall waves her wand and seven large mailbags filled with letters appear on the dining table.

"There must be… hundreds!" I say, amazed.

"Over a thousand actually. I'll leave them with you."

"Thanks, I'll look at them later… maybe."

"You should, people want to thank you."

"What… what are the students saying? In the school?"

"It was mostly shock at the beginning but now… there is anger at the perpetrators."

"What about the children of the men…" I stop but McGonagall nods, knowing what I mean.

"There is some disbelief but… not many of the men had children here, only a few. They were bad men Lavender, a couple of the children knew that." I nod. "You will be protected at all times, just to be on the safe side."

"Okay, what's happening with my parents?"

"The trial is happening this week, Thursday I believe."

"Do I have to go?"

"No, Kingsley cannot guarantee your safety in the Ministry. We have you're statement and your parents confessed. It's cut and dry."

"Will they really go to Azkaban?" I ask; it's been playing on my mind, the thought of them being stuck with Dementors.

"Probably, but remember the Dementors have been removed now. It's just a prison with guards, human guards."

"When were they removed?"

"During the summer, Kingsley has always been very opposed to them, his mother was kissed during the first war."

"Really? That's horrible."

"Yes, she was a lovely witch, we were at Hogwarts together." McGonagall says and I try to look at her again; it is getting easier.

"I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago. Anyway Amos thinks your parents will be sentenced to about a year." I nod, I feel better knowing that Dementors won't be there. They deserve prison but not the mind torture associated with those horrible creatures.

"The other trial is scheduled to take place over the next few weeks. Carrow's is first, it will be in November I believe."

"Will I have to go to that?"

"No, he still wants to see you but we have most of the names now anyway."

"Most, how many are missing?"

"Three."

"What are the initials?"

"I'm not sure, I'll ask Kingsley if you like?" I nod and then realise that I can tell her one more name, it might not be an initial on my back but it is etched in my mind.

"I… one of the men… I haven't seen his picture yet…" McGonagall pales slightly and I look away, paler is harder because the charm was pale.

"Who?"

I hesitate, what will she think? Will she believe me? Will she be disgusted?

"Forget it." I say, clasping my hands. McGonagall reaches out to my hands and holds them.

"Tell me, Lavender? It will not change how we deal with this." I bite my lip and then look at the fire as I answer.

"You-Know-Who." Pomfrey gasps and McGonagall lets go of my hands and I fear that she is disgusted. I shouldn't have said anything, he's dead anyway, no good can come of this.

I stand up and turn to walk into the bedroom. McGonagall moves with the speed of a witch half her age and stands in front of the door and holds my shoulders, I look down in shame.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said…"

"Lavender, why didn't you tell me?" McGonagall asks, I daren't look at her face.

"I'm sorry. I should have kept quiet…"

"No! No, Lavender you should have told me!"

"Why? He's dead, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters, I should have realised. I'm so sorry Lavender, I'm so sorry!" She pulls me into a hug and I don't relax because I'm confused.

"Why does it make a difference?" I ask, my head still next to hers. She pulls back and I see tears before I look down.

"It… you should have told me… he was evil, pure evil…"

"They were all evil, it wasn't much worse with him than…" I stop because I know I'm going to be sick; I was about to compare them, to compare you have to remember. I should be trying to forget.

I push past McGonagall and run to the en-suite bathroom and throw up in the toilet. I hear her come in behind me and she sits on the bath and holds back some of the hair that has fallen down from the bun.

I hear Pomfrey come in and a hand carrying a potion enters my vision. Does she carry them around all the time, or just when she's coming to see me? I take it and heave a few more times before taking a dose with a shaking hand. It works instantly and I lean back on the wall, breathing heavily.

"I'm sorry… I just…"

"It's okay, it's perfectly natural. I'll tell Kingsley of the developments, I don't think we even considered…" McGonagall stops but I nod and she doesn't continue.

"Get some sleep before the service Lavender, Dora should be down for a few hours."

"I want to do some work."

"Wait till tomorrow, you've not slept properly for a few nights, you wouldn't remember anything you read anyway." I nod and stand up. I sway slightly and Pomfrey steadies me.

"Do you want a sleeping potion? Professor Slughorn found one that should work for a couple of months if you use it every few nights."

"Yeah, okay, thanks." We all walk out of the bathroom and McGonagall walks over to the crib and looks in, smiling.

"Do you have children, Professor?" I ask.

"No, I have nieces and nephews though, they are older now, one of them is pregnant though, I found out last week."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"What about you, Madam Pomfrey?" I ask, turning to the matron.

"I have a whole castle full of children, I prefer to spend my free time with grown-ups. I do like babies though, when they are asleep."

"I prefer her when she's asleep. Or when she's awake and not crying, just looking at me." Pomfrey and McGonagall nod and smile.

"I'll wake you up at half two for the service. I've charmed the crib so if she wakes I'll come and get her." McGonagall says, poking her head back in the door. I thank her and then pull off my hoodie and climb into the bed with just my jogging bottoms and t-shirt. I take a dose of the potion and sink back against the pillows.

* * *

A/N A Tuesday treat for you! I've got a hip operation tomorrow so I probably won't be updating for at least a week. Please send reviews and stop me from getting bored!

Next chapter; It's Flo's funeral, and Mrs Weasley has some advice for Lavender.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

witchprincess33- Oh dear, if you cried at Parvati's funeral then you better get the tissues ready for Flo's!

Allen Pitt- The house-elves all come to the funeral and make a big contribution to the service. There is a sequel planned but not for Dora's Hogwarts years, I'll see how things progress.

Bookwormkat1- I would never bash McGonagall, she's my absolute favourite!

Luna- Thanks, I'm sure I'll be fine!


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

When I wake it's just after two and I sit up and pull on my hoodie before noticing that Dora is not in the crib. I walk out into the living room and smile at the sight.

McGonagall is standing by table with Neville and she is showing him how to change Dora's nappy.

"So then it's cream?" Neville asks.

"Yes, and then you can put the new nappy on." McGonagall replies. I stand and watch as Neville completes the task and then picks Dora up and puts her back in the Moses basket.

"You're a natural, Neville." I say, my voice slightly scratchy from sleep. Neville turns to look at me and smiles sheepishly.

"Hardly, I think I'm getting better now though. Hermione taught me a spell I can use on my hands so that I don't drop her."

"I don't think I've heard of that one, I'm not surprised that Hermione was the one to find it." McGonagall says and I nod.

"She got through all of the baby books that Mrs Weasley sent in about three days."

"She would like to come to the service, for Flo. The whole Weasley family would like to come if that is alright?"

"Of course." I reply, wondering why Mr and Mrs Weasley want to come.

"I'll be there too Lavender, and Dean and Seamus as well. Luna is going to come in a chair, Madam Pomfrey arranged it."

"I'll cast privacy charms so no one will see us. I think the elves are going to put food on for afterwards, in the eighth year Common Room."

"Thanks. How long has Dora been up?"

"Only ten minutes, she needed changing."

"Thanks, I'm just going to get changed, do you think I should wear black?"

"It's up to you, wear what you think Flo would like." I nod and then walk back into the bedroom and open the wardrobe. An array of colours hit me and I try to remember what colours Flo liked. I smile and pull out a Lavender jumper, she took my name as an instruction of what colour I should wear. I pull open one of the draws and grab a black pair of jeans and then walk over to the bed and change.

The jumper and jeans are both tight on my stomach so I adjust it with a charm and make a mental note to buy more clothes. I could disguise my bump again but I don't see much point, people know what happened.

I walk over to Dora's chest of drawers and look through the baby-gross to find one that I remember Flo liked. It's rainbow-striped and has a hood with bat-like elvish ears. I suspect she choose it for the ears alone.

Returning to the living room Fleur and Weasley have returned with Mr and Mrs Weasley, they are all sat in the living room with McGonagall drinking tea. Neville must have gone to change. Fleur spots me first.

"Hello Lavender, you look nice."

"Thanks… had to adjust it with a charm, everything's a bit tight. I need to get some more clothes."

"I'll get some catalogues tomorrow, I'm popping to Diagon Alley anyway." Weasley says and I smile.

"Thanks, I'm just going to change Dora." I look at the clock and see it's quarter to three. As I walk over to Dora she starts crying; at least I don't have to try and change her while she's asleep.

"Neville fed her while you were changing." McGonagall says and I nod and start to pull the wriggling baby out of her outfit. When she's naked she shakes slightly with the cold so I smell her nappy quickly to check that it's clean, and then pull on the new baby-gro and pick her up. She stops crying and I cradle her and walk into the living area.

Mrs Weasley smiles at me warmly and then nods at the baby-gro.

"What a lovely outfit."

"Thanks, Flo picked it out, I think she liked the ears." I pull up the hood and everyone smiles. Weasley laughs and turns to his wife.

"We're definitely getting one of those!"

"Let's move to the grounds. I don't think I've ever seen so many house-elves together in my life." McGonagall says, standing up. I bend down to pick up the baby bag but she gets there first and puts it on her shoulder.

"No one will be able to see the funeral, will they?" I ask quietly, as the others move to the door.

"No, and the DA have cleared the corridor so we shouldn't encounter anyone. Are you ready?" I nod and we leave the apartment.

Hermione is waiting on the other side of the door and she walks to the pumpkin patch with us, chatting with McGonagall but I'm not sure what they're discussing.

The weather is sunny but there's a chill in the air and McGonagall pulls out a blanket and passes in to me silently. As soon as we pass the boundary of Hagrid's cabin there is a sea of house-elves and I gasp and Hermione does too.

"Oh my… how many are there?" She asks.

"I'm not entirely sure, all of the Hogwarts ones and some from the older houses presented themselves in my office this afternoon. I checked the families just to be sure." We move over to where Hagrid is talking to Sprout and the Weasleys. Neville and the other Gryffindors, and Luna with Madam Pomfrey hovering around her, join us and I realise how outnumbered we are by elves. At least fifty of them to one of us, it's incredible.

"Alright Lavender? One of the elves, Bowtern, wants to say a few words when you've finished. Apparently they have their own way of remembering each other."

"Yeah, sure." I reply, realising for the first time that I am expected to speak. Why had I not considered that? I know I have to even though the thought fills me with horror but Flo deserves words.

"Right, we'll start then. I've dug the hole." He nods towards a hole in the ground about two feet behind the pumpkin patch. I nod.

"I'll start things off Lavender." McGonagall says and she moves forward. Hermione and Neville stand either side of me.

"If I could have your attention please?" The elves quieten instantly and I wonder if McGonagall wishes she had the same effect in the Great Hall.

"Thank you. As you know we are gathered here today to remember Flo." All the elves nod and it looks like a grey sea with waves, all the nodding heads. "Flo served the Brown family for thirty years and died to protect her mistress, there is no greater death, none at all. Lavender would like to say a few words." The elves nod again and I look away because it makes me feel sea-sick. I pass Dora to Hermione and step forwards.

"Flo was… Flo was more than just a house-elf to me…" I pause and sniff; it really hurts to talk about her but I know I have to. "The first memory I ever have was when I was four and Flo and me were having a tea-party with all of my dolls and teddies, she charmed them all to walk and gave them voices that I can still remember now. Flo taught me how to walk, she taught me how to talk, she taught me how to read and write. She told me a new story every night, stories about Princesses and brave knights, and about friendship and love. She took me shopping for my Hogwarts things…" I sob slightly and someone, Neville I think, passes me a tissue.

"When I realised that she couldn't come to Hogwarts with me I told my parents that I didn't want to go. They told me that I could have a pet to take with me, that it would be just the same. I told them it wouldn't be and then the night before I left Flo told me that if I ever needed to talk to her I could just call for her and she would come, she said that the Hogwarts elves were kind and that they wouldn't mind her coming to see me." About half the elves nod and I do too.

"In my first year I called her quite a lot, at night when everyone was asleep. When I settled in I didn't call her as much but she still came to see me every few weeks to check on me. When my parents left they told her to look after me and I shouted at them that she had been looking after me all my life and that they wouldn't have noticed if I had been upset, or sick, if it wasn't for Flo. She was more of a parent to me than they ever were." I sob again and an elf comes forward and holds my hand before nodding at me to continue.

"During last year…when I was stuck here. I called for her but she didn't come, she couldn't hear me because the room was warded. I missed her so much, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me. When I went back home she looked after me, she kept baking pies…" I pause and smile, "pies that were bigger than my head and would be big enough for a family of ten. She kept telling me to see a Healer, she even offered to go and find my parents but I wouldn't let her. I stopped her from helping me and I know how much it hurt her to see me… sad and scared. She… she was my parent, she was my sister, she was my best friend and the thought that she died to protect me hurts so much that… I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I loved her and I know that she loved me." I stop and step back and put my hand on my mouth and try to control the sobs. Neville puts his arm on my shoulder and squeezes it. I nod in gratitude. McGonagall steps forward again and I can hear that she is crying as well.

"Umm… Bowtern, you wanted to say something." She says, seemingly unsure of who she should be looking for. A click from the centre of the elves produces a small box beneath a positively ancient looking elf. His skin is so sallow it looks like he could trip over it. He wears a sock on his head and clears his throat. All the elves turn to him.

"Thank you Professor McGonagall, your ladyship. We is wanting to thank Mistress Lavender for letting us come to remember Flo, she was being a relative of all of us. She was being an elf from the Northern region and she is working for Santa before she is joining the Brown family. All of us elves is working with Santa for ten elf years, that is fifty human years, before we is joining our families. Working with Santa is teaching us about happiness and children and how to be good elves. When we is joining a family we is taking a sacred oath where we is promising to always look after the family and not complain because it could be worse. We could be without a family and there is no greater shame that in not belonging somewhere. There is some free elves who is happy, Dobby was the first free elf for forty years and he is saying he is free but all the elves is knowing that Dobby is belonging to the noble Harry Potter!" Bowtern points towards Harry who blushes and looks down.

"Dobby is dying to save Harry Potter and his friends, just as Flo is dying to save Professor Sprout and protect her Mistress Lavender. We elves is knowing that when we die for our families we is joining Santa again and we is being happy for ever more. Bowtern knew Flo well and Bowtern knows how much Flo is loving her Mistress Lavender, and Flo is being so excited when Flo is seeing Mistress Lavender smiling again after having Mistress Dora that Flo nearly pulled off one of her ears and Bowtern is having to help Flo put a spell on it to make sure that it is alright and will still be hearing." I smile and all the elves nod and then tug on their own ears.

"Flo is being happy with Santa and Dobby now and all the other elves that is having such noble deaths. If Mistress Lavender is ever missing Flo too much she should be coming to the kitchen and we will be telling Mistress Lavender all about Flo and how much fun she is having with Santa. The elves now want to be using their magic to make sure that Flo is being happy, we can do the spell Professor McGonagall?" McGonagall looks startled but nods.

All the elves look up at the sky and then make a humming sound, an image of Flo's face appears in the sky and I gasp as she looks at me.

"Flo is happy Mistress Lavender, and Flo is wanting Mistress Lavender and Mistress Dora to be happy and healthy, and don't forget to write to Santa and Flo is be making sure that Santa is getting the letter first!"

"Flo?" I gasp. "Flo, I'm so sorry."

"Mistress Lavender should not be sorry, Flo is happy."

"I miss you so much Flo, I love you." I say, tears pouring down my face.

"Flo is always loving Mistress Lavender, Flo is always loving Mistress Lavender, and now Mistress Dora as well. Flo will be watching Mistress Lavender and Mistress Dora. Flo is wanting to tell Mistress Lavender to stop trying to forget the bad things, Mistress Lavender is having to remember them so Mistress Lavender will be getting better and being happy again. Will Mistress Lavender promise Flo?"

"I… I promise Flo." Flo disappears and I can't believe that I've just spoken to her.

"The elves will be returning to their families now Professor McGonagall, we is thanking you for letting us come to remember Flo and to bring comfort to Mistress Lavender."

"Yes, thank you for coming. You have been… amazing." The elves all click together and they vanish leaving no evidence of their former presence.

"Bloody hell! That was incredible!" Ron says from behind me. His mother starts to scold him but I nod.

"I didn't know they could do that." Hermione says and I nod.

"Nor did I, House-elf magic is largely unknown." McGonagall says.

"Do you think they could do that for Dobby?" Harry asks.

"Probably, go to the kitchen later. Now we need to finish. Are you alright to carry on, Lavender?" McGonagall asks and I nod, we all walk towards the grave.

I wave my wand and summon the blanket from her cupboard at home. We made it together when I was nine and I gave it to her for Christmas and then spent two days convincing her that it did not count as clothes.

"What did you do?" Hagrid asks. I realise that it will take a while for the blanket to arrive.

"I summoned her blanket… oh crap it's going to zoom across the whole country, I didn't think!" McGonagall waves her wand and the blanket appears instantly at her feet.

"How did you do that?"

"I am not Headteacher for nothing. I summoned the elemental transfigurational components of the spell and had them rearrange themselves in an alternate location."

"What? Is that the blanket then?" I ask. I'm pleased to see that Hermione also looks baffled but I don't want to bury her in a copy.

"Yes, it is." I pick it up and it smells like her. I kiss the hem and then pass it to Hagrid to put in the hole.

He then passes me a spade and I put the first bit of dirt on her, he takes the spade back of me and finishes the rest in silence. When he's finished McGonagall conjures a small headstone and then turns to me.

"Would you like it to say anything?"

"Umm… yeah… Flo Brown… always missed but now with Santa." I smile and I hear Harry snort behind me and I smile at him.

"That's nice Lavender, it's nice to think of Dobby with Santa as well." I nod and then turn back to the grave.

"Well, there is food in the Common Room, let's get up there." The others start to move away but I stay,

"I'll hide the gravestone so that only us and the elves can see it." McGonagall says and I nod.

"Yeah, thanks Professor." I kneel down and touch the stone. "Bye Flo, I'll write to Santa." I stand up and Hermione passes Dora to me and I laugh slightly at how ridiculous the ears look on her.

We walk back up to the castle and I put Dora in her crib and set up the charms before walking through the new door into the Common Room. Every surface is covered in cake and Ron looks like all his Christmas's have come at once.

Mr and Mrs Weasley walk up to me.

"That was a lovely speech Lavender." Mr Weasley says and I smile slightly.

"Thanks, and thanks for coming. I know you were having a family day."

"It was no trouble, we were wondering if you would like to come next week? Minerva said it was fine and I'm sure you'd like to get out of the castle for a bit." Mrs Weasley looks hopeful and I nod.

"Thank you, that would be lovely. And thanks for the books and clothes, I've nearly finished the books and I'll bring the clothes back next week."

"No rush… I can never thank you enough Lavender… if Ginny had…" Mrs Weasley stops and her husband holds her shoulder.

"It's okay. Ginny was… I knew she mattered to Harry. I couldn't let anything happen to her."

"You're important too, Lavender." Mr Weasley says and I look at him.

"Apparently not, my parents didn't even notice. Anyway… I'd love to come next week. I'm just going to get some cake." I move away from them and pick up a cupcake.

Seamus comes over to me and Neville appears so quickly it's like he apparated.

"Lavender… I just wanted to say how sorry I am. About Flo… and about everything I said, I was a knob."

"No arguments from me." I say but then I think how bad I feel about not forgiving Parvati. "It's alright, let's just start again."

"I'd like that." He smiles and then I feel I need to clarify.

"I… I still need you to… stay away for a bit Seamus… I forgive you but it's going to take time to trust you again. Like I did." Seamus' smile slips but he nods.

"I understand, I'm here if you need me." He disappears and I look at Neville.

"Do you think he's upset?"

"No, probably disappointed but Lavender… it's understandable. You can forgive someone for… I don't know killing your plant, but it won't bring the plant back to life." I smile at Neville.

"Talking of plants, any chance you could help me catch up with Herbology. I've dropped Charms and Defense and Divination but I'm still behind in everything."

"Course I will, let me know when you want to start. When are you coming back to class?"

"Next week, I'm moving back here the following week. Feels weird being back in here, the last time I was in here I was pregnant."

"Yeah, it's not right without you here. Hermione's the only girl now." I nod, thinking about Parvati.

I move away and walk to Ron and Harry.

"Did you ask about Dobby?"

"Yeah, they're going to do it tonight, they need about fifty of them and they're busy with dinner at the moment. I can't believe they can do it, and that Santa is real!"

"Course Santa's real, where do you think your present from Santa comes from?" Ron asks, grinning.

"You really knew he was real?" Hermione asks, moving over to us.

"Course I did, don't tell me you didn't know!"

"Muggle children believe in Santa but when they reach about ten we're told that he doesn't exist, we think the present from Santa is just from our parents." Hermione says and Ron laughs.

"Muggles are so weird!" He replies. I'm about to speak but then the charm tells me Dora is crying. I look at my watch and realise she must be hungry.

"Excuse me, Dora needs feeding."

"Bring her in here, I'd like to see her properly." Ron says, looking strange. I nod and walk out of the room.

I collect a bottle from the cupboard and then pick her up and bring her back to the Common Room and sit on one of the armchairs.

"How often does she need feeding?" Harry asks, sitting on the sofa.

"About every three to four hours usually. I forgot… you have a god-son don't you? Hermione told me. How old is he?"

"Seven months now, I saw him last week. It's amazing how much he grows in a week; I try and see him every weekend. Haven't had chance this weekend with the funerals but I'm going on Saturday."

"What's his name?"

"Teddy… well Edward really but we call him Teddy." I smile and then look down at Dora. Mrs Weasley walks over to us and sits down next to Harry.

"She takes the bottle well, is it breast milk?" Out of the corner of my eye I see Harry blush in embarrassment and I smile as I answer.

"No, I couldn't. Too much scarring."

"Oh… I'm sorry. Charlie didn't breast-feed, he was the only one, he just kept throwing it back up. I had to use formula."

"It didn't affect him or anything did it?"

"No, he's as mad as the rest of them." I smile and see Harry slip out of his seat to be replaced by Fleur.

"How are you finding motherhood? Do you find yourself crying one minute and then happy the next?" Mrs Weasley asks, with a knowing smile.

"Yeah… well not exactly happy just… I get a bit over-whelmed."

"It's all the hormones dear, it will pass." I nod and then look up at her.

"Did you always know you would be a good mother?"

"I'm not always sure that I am. I don't think there's such a thing as a good mother dear. If they make it to adulthood and they are happy and healthy and still love you then you've done a good job."

"Was your mother a good mother too?" I can't accept that there are no good mothers.

"Yes, she was, she had three of us under four at one point. The twins were terrors. They died in the first war."

"I'm sorry."

"It was a long time ago."

"Sometimes… sometimes I worry that…" I stop and look around to make sure no one else will hear. Ron is within earshot but he is distracted by cake, "that I'll be a terrible mother because… because of my parents. I learnt everything from Flo." I whisper.

"You said yourself that she was like a mother to you. It doesn't matter that she was an elf." Fleur says and I nod and then look at Mrs Weasley for confirmation.

"Lavender, if anything you will be a better mother because of how your mother treated you."

"What? How?"

"Because she taught you how not to be a mother. You learn more about falling off a broomstick doing it yourself than watching other people do it. You are already doing a remarkable job, especially considering everything that happened."

"I worry that… she'll hate me when she finds out what happened."

"Don't worry so far in to the future. Think about now, she loves you now and she will in the future, I promise." I nod and Mrs Weasley squeezes my knee.

"Would you like to feed her?" I ask.

"I'd love too." I pass her over and Mrs Weasley looks delighted to be holding a baby again. Fleur watches Dora as well and I lean back in the chair and take a calming breath. Maybe I can do this.

* * *

A/N Sorry if that made you cry but I like the idea of house-elves returning to Santa instead of going to heaven. Let me know what you think. The next chapter will be up tomorrow and then we'll be back on track for Sunday.

Next chapter; Lavender starts to read the letters and then has an upsetting revelation, we also find out the punishment for Lavender's parents.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- Voldemort's not the father but you'll find out who it is soon!

witchprincess33- Thanks!

LUG-14- Thanks, what did you think of the funeral?

- Thanks, I hope the funeral did Flo justice?

Bookwormkat1- How did the knee operation go? What did you have done?


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

It's Madam Hooch's funeral on Monday afternoon but I'm so tired that I decide not to go, I stay with Neville and he feeds Dora for the first time. She's much better with the colic potion but she's still quite grumpy and prefers to be held, even when she's sleeping.

"Thanks for staying with me Neville." I say as he finishes feeding Dora and I take her back from him to burp her.

"No problem, I didn't really know her that well. I don't think I've spoken to her for years."

"Nor me, probably not since our flying lessons." Neville snorts and I remember the first lesson well.

"That bloody hurt!" I laugh and nod.

"Did Harry talk to Dobby last night?"

"Yeah, apparently he's having a great time, him and Flo are working in the toddler toy section."

"I bet she loves that." Dora burps slightly and I check she hasn't been sick but it's just wind.

"Have you read any of the letters yet?" I look over at the post bags underneath the dining table.

"No, I can't believe how many there are."

"Shall I grab a few?"

"Yeah okay." Neville stands up and walks over rifles through one of the bags and picks up a handful of letters and brings them back over.

"Bowtern." The ancient house-elf appears and looks up at Neville.

"Master Longbottom, the snake slayer, what can Bowtern do for you and Mistress Lavender today?"

"Could we have a tray of tea please?" Neville asks and Bowtern disappears and reappears with a tray which he places on the coffee table.

"Thank you, Bowtern." I say and the elf smiles.

"Bowtern is honoured to serve such brave humans." He disappears and I look at Neville.

"The snake slayer, that's hilarious." Neville blushes and then pours the tea. I put Dora in the Moses basket on the floor and then pick up the first letter and open it.

_Dear Miss Brown,_

_My name is Lavinia Mountford and I have a daughter who is now a second year Hufflepuff. I just wanted to express my gratitude to you for keeping her safe last year. She is all I have in the world and if she had been abused by those horrible men I don't know if she would have been strong enough to keep fighting. You are a wonderfully brave girl and you deserve a lifetime of happiness._

_Yours faithfully,_

_Lavinia_

I put the letter on the table and stare at it.

"Are you okay?" Neville asks.

"Yeah… I don't think I want to read them though. I don't want to be thanked Neville, it doesn't feel right."

"Why?"

"At the end… I was so close to giving up… I can't talk about it." I stand up and walk into the bedroom and shut the door.

I just need a minute to pull myself together. I promised Flo that I would talk about it but… it's so hard. I sit on my bed and rub my legs hard and try to hold back the tears. I have cried every day for months, I just want one day when the tears don't come.

The minutes pass but I don't get up, I just keep rubbing my legs and trying not to cry. A knock on the door makes me jump.

"Yes, I'm okay Nev…" The door opens and it's not Neville, it's Weasley.

"Alright, Lavender?" He asks, walking into the room cautiously.

"Yeah, just trying not to cry. Is the funeral over?"

"Yes, they'll be a special dinner tonight if you want to come, in the Great Hall." The thought of going into the Hall fills me with horror.

"No… sorry."

"It's okay, why are you trying not to cry?"

"I read one of the letters."

"I saw it, it was very nice. Has it upset you?" I nod and Weasley sits down on a chair by the mirror. "Why?"

"I don't know… it feels wrong to be thanked."

"Why?"

"Don't know if I can talk about it but… I promised Flo." I rub my legs again and will away the pressure behind my eyes.

"It's alright to cry, it's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you're been too strong for too long." I laugh slightly and look up at him.

"Hardly, I've probably cried every day for a…" I pause and my eyes widen.

"What? Are you okay? You look like you've seen a Boggart."

"What's the date?" I ask, in a strangled voice.

"The date? The sixteenth of October, why?" I stand up and run into the bathroom and throw up violently. I collapse against the toilet and throw up again. I can't believe it; I hadn't realised. I feel cold and weak and shaky.

"Lavender?" Weasley asks. I can hear him hovering near the door. I try to turn to answer him but I throw up again and I can see black spots encroaching on my vision. I'm going to pass out, I know I am.

"Lavender, talk to me." Weasley moves into the bathroom and sits on the bath. I try to look at him but my vision is fading. "I've got you, it's okay." I feel his one of his arms under my back and his hand cups the back of my head and I let go.

* * *

I open my eyes and I'm in my bed and Fleur is sitting next to me looking worried.

"Lavender? Are you alright?" She asks, touching a damp flannel to my head.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't apologise, Poppy is on her way, Bill has gone to fetch her."

The door opens and Pomfrey and Weasley walk in. Weasley is carrying Dora.

"Oh good, you're awake. I'm just going to change her."

"Thanks." I mutter and Pomfrey comes over and waves her wand over me.

"What happened?" She asks. I daren't look at her, not when I still feel so shaky.

"I… I realised the date. It's been a… a year" I close my eyes and try to keep the tears in.

"Oh Lavender…" Fleur squeezes my hand.

"Would you like a calming potion? And stop trying not to cry." She taps my nose as if I'm a naughty kitten and I open my eyes in surprise.

"I don't want to cry." I say stubbornly.

"Why not? Here." She passes me the potion and I take it.

"I've cried every day for a year… every day. It's amazing I'm not dehydrated."

"Why do you think we keep giving you tea?" Pomfrey says and I look at her. The potion is working and I feel calmer already.

"Tea works to balance the chemicals lost when you cry."

"Seriously?" I ask, bemused.

"Is zat true?" Fleur asks.

"Yes, even Muggles have noticed it. Now, stop holding back the tears otherwise you'll have another panic attack." I nod but the potion has removed all desire I have to cry.

"This time last year I was with Bellatrix, and You-Know-Who." I say. My voice sounds strange, almost like a song.

"What happened?" Pomfrey asks. I see Weasley return and put Dora in her crib.

"He did the charm, she tortured me, asked me questions."

"Questions about what?" Weasley asks but I shake my head; even the potion can't make me tell that.

"Then Carrow came forward and we made the deal. You-Know-Who was the first." The potion is making my head foggy but it's amazing how much easier it makes to talk about it, no wonder people get addicted to potions. "I'm tired now."

"Get some sleep, I'll stay…"

"No, Poppy. You go to the meal, she was your friend. I'll stay here, I'll send an elf if I need you." Fleur dabs my head with the flannel again and Pomfrey stands up.

"Thank you, I'll leave the potion." She walks out and Weasley kisses Fleur on the forehead and leaves as well.

"I'm sorry… you should go to the meal."

"Don't worry, I did not know her zat well. Tell me about Voldemort."

"Why?"

"You need to talk about it."

"I promised Flo." I say and Fleur nods.

"You did, and if you talk to us about it then Minerva may not make you speak to a counsellor." I nod; anything to avoid a stranger.

"He didn't say much. Sometimes Bellatrix tortured me while he was…" I stop and shake my head, even with the potion this is horrible.

"Did you know that Mrs Weasley killed Bellatrix?" I'm surprised by this.

"No… that's…"

"I know, we were all surprised. She had just nearly hit Ginny with ze killing curse and Molly saw red, her cub was in danger so she responded and it was over within a minute. I did not theenk she could fight like zat."

"Bellatrix always came with him, she always watched." Dora starts crying and Fleur moves away to help her.

I take my opportunity and close my eyes, I don't want to talk any more, I just want to sleep. After a few moments I feel Fleur sit back on the bed but I keep my eyes closed.

"Sleep well Lavender, we'll talk again tomorrow." I feel a light kiss on my forehead and then I relax completely and let sleep carry me off.

* * *

On Thursday morning I wake early and pull on my dressing gown and walk over to Dora's crib. She's sleeping soundly but it will only be about an hour before she wants feeding again. I walk into the sitting room and sit on the sofa.

It's my parent's trial today and I have thought of little else for the past couple of days. I don't know why it's bothering me so much; Amos Diggory told McGonagall that the case was simple and that they would probably get a year. Why am I so worried about it when the result is fairly sure already?

Fleur comes in first and she is looking very pale.

"Are you alright?" I ask as she brings over a tray of tea.

"I had a difficult night, I kept throwing up. Bill has offered to cover my first class."

"That's nice of him, you two are really well suited."

"I theenk so. What about you? Have you had a boyfriend?" I smile as I answer.

"Yeah, Ron in sixth year, Seamus and I used to… make out in fifth year. Nothing serious though."

"I did not know about Ron."

"Yeah, it lasted a few months but it was mainly snogging, he was in love with Hermione."

"It is good that you are still friends."

"I know, we talked about it at the start of the year, I needed Hermione not to hate me."

"She is very fond of you."

"She's been amazing, and I'm happy that she's with Ron at last."

"You will meet someone one day."

"I don't want to." The thought of having a boyfriend is almost laughable.

"You think that now, it may change as you recover."

"Maybe." I say but I don't believe it. I will never trust any man with my body again. Dora starts crying and I'm glad of the chance to change the subject. I fetch her and when I sit down again Fleur passes me a bottle and I start to feed her.

Weasley comes in at eight and kisses his wife and smiles at me.

"Good night?" He asks.

"She was alright, didn't sleep much though."

"Thinking about the trial?" He asks, sitting down.

"Yeah." I reply, concentrating on Dora, she's nearly finished the bottle.

"Amos Diggory is going to come straight after to talk you through it." I nod but don't look up. Fleur stands up quickly and runs out of the room.

"Fleur?" Weasley says, standing up and running behind her. He re-emerges after a few minutes and sits back down.

"She okay?" I ask, putting the bottle on the table and putting Dora on my shoulder.

"Yeah, sickness really seems to be kicking off. Might ask Poppy for a potion. Did you use one?"

"No, that would have meant admitting to myself that I was pregnant." Weasley nods and he's about to reply when Dora throws up on my neck.

"Give her here, I'll watch her while you shower."

"Thanks." I pass her over and Weasley conjures a piece of fabric to cover his top and continues to burp her.

I shower and change quickly and when I return to the sitting room Fleur is back and she is changing Dora.

"Professor Weasley gone to your class?" I ask.

"Yes, it is fourth year Slytherin, they are a 'orrible class. I hope they do not give him trouble."

"I'm sure he'll be able to handle it, are you feeling better?"

"A bit, I had some toast, have you eaten?"

"No, don't think I could. Not until I've heard from Mr Diggory."

"I still theenk of Cedric often." Fleur says with a faraway expression on her face.

"What was it like? The tournament? Were you scared?"

"I was so sure of myself, zo naïve. I was scared when I thought zat Gabrielle would be angry with me, and in ze final task."

"How old is Gabrielle now?"

"She iz twelve, she has started at Beauxbatons now. She considered coming to 'ogwarts but my parents would not allow it and the war was on last year so it was not possible."

"Could she transfer now?"

"Possibly but my parents would not vant her so far away, it was bad enough when I moved here." I wonder how strange it would be to have parents that actually care.

We talk for another few minutes and then I fetch my new Transfiguration textbook and Fleur talks me through one of the exercises.

By lunch time I've finished the Transfiguration worksheet and started a Care of Magical Creatures essay but I can't focus. They will be in the court now.

I pick up Dora and walk into the Common Room with her to see who's in there.

Ron and Ginny are sat on the table playing chess but the rest of the room is empty. I walk over to them and sit next to Ginny; I don't want to be in her eye line.

"Hi." I say.

"Hey, how are you?" Ron asks, looking up at me.

"Alright, you?"

"Yeah, I'm winning." His eyes return to the board.

"He always wins, how's Dora?" Ginny asks, keeping her eyes on the board and I know it's for my sake.

"Alright, still got colic but the potion helps."

"Could I hold her?" She asks.

"Sure, and thanks for volunteering to help watch her. McGonagall is coming up with a rota for the weekend and then for my classes." I pass her over and lean forward and out my head on my hands.

"It's alright, I love babies and I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything, Ginny."

"Of course I do, apart from last year which I will always owe you for, you also helped get Hermione together with my stupid brother."

"Hey!" Ron says, looking up from the board.

"How did I help get them together?" I ask, smiling at the expression on Ron's face.

"Jealousy is a powerful aphrodisiac." She says bluntly and I snort.

I watch their chess game for a while and it's a welcome distraction. The portrait hole opens and Neville walks in with Luna Lovegood. They both walk over to the table and I want to look at Luna to see how recovered she is but with Ginny here as well it's too hard so I look at Ron as I speak to her.

"How are you, Luna?"

"Fine, thank you. You have a baby, there is no greater blessing."

"You wouldn't say that when she's screaming at two o'clock in the morning for no particular reason."

"She probably sensed that the universe wanted to hear her." Luna replies and Ron looks to be suppressing a snort.

"It heard her alright, she's got a good set on lungs on her. I'm sorry you got hurt Luna."

"Don't be, I was given potions that gave me the most wonderful insights into my brain."

"Oh… good." I reply. Thankfully Dora starts crying so I use her as an excuse to escape the Common Room and return to my solitude. The others say goodbye and Luna tells me that if I hold my little toe when I put her to bed it will help her sleep. She is a strange girl.

I feed Dora and then put her down for a nap in the Moses basket and lie on the sofa to have a nap. I don't think I'll get any sleep but I must be more tired than I thought and I'm woken an hour later by McGonagall. Diggory and Weasley are standing behind her, along with the Minister for Magic.

"Sorry to wake you." McGonagall says as I sit up.

"It's fine, didn't think I'd sleep at all. I'm just going to pop to the loo." I leave the room and walk into the bathroom. I splash some water on my face and look at my reflection. Whatever happens is not my fault; it was my parent's choice to leave me, not mine.

I return to the room and sit down in between McGonagall and Weasley on the sofa. Dora is sleeping in her Moses basket by the side of the sofa and both Diggory and the Minister are carrying files. Weasley pours some tea but I don't take it. I look at Diggory and he gives me a strained smile.

"Well?" I ask, I can't stand the silence.

"They've been sentence to eighteen months, and fined 1000 galleons." I nod, but I don't feel relief. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel.

"It was a fairly unanimous decision, Miss Brown. They will also be prevented from travelling for five years after their release." I look at the Minister in shock.

"What? Why?" The lack of ability to travel will hurt them more than Azkaban, and definitely more than the fine.

"The Wizemgamot did not feel they were sufficiently punished by the fine, considering the wealth of the Brown family. We could not fine any more but we can restrict their travel." I nod; they are going to hate me now.

"What did they say? When you told them about the travel restriction?"

"They had more of a reaction to that than anything else." Diggory replies.

"I bet they did." I reply. I take a sip of tea just for something to do with my hands.

"They were sorry to hear about Flo. They have written you a letter." Diggory pulls a letter out of the file and puts it on the table and I look at it, wondering if I will ever read it.

"Thanks." I say and Diggory nods.

"You are most welcome, Miss Brown. Please let me know if you ever need anything. Professor Weasley please give my best wishes and congratulations to Fleur." Weasley stands up and shakes Diggory's hand and then Diggory leaves.

I take another sip of tea and Weasley sits in the armchair so I move over slightly to give McGonagall more room.

"I have some more photos, Miss Brown. Could you look at them before we discuss other things?" I nod and he passes me a stack of about twenty photos.

I flick through them quickly but none of them look familiar.

"No." I say, passing them back to him. He looks disappointed but puts them back in the file.

"In that case we think it is likely that the last four names are foreign wizards. Do you recall any particular accents?"

"No." I reply, not even trying to think. I don't want to remember.

"Well, have a think about it. Now, I believe Minerva has told you about the Order's plan to protect you."

"I mentioned it." McGonagall says and I nod.

"Well we are not firming up the details until the trials are over. We have time before you leave Hogwarts and the later we come up with a plan the less likely it is that there will be any leaks."

"I thought you said the Order can be trusted." I say, looking between McGonagall and the Minister.

"It can Lavender, but it would be foolish to be overconfident. We will wait till the trials are over."

"How long will they last?"

"Only a couple of days for each person but with the number, thirty seven are still alive so it will take at least a few months."

"What will happen to them?" I ask; I doubt they will all go to Azkaban.

"It will depend on how they cooperate. We will go through them individually nearer the time." I shake my head.

"No… I can't. I don't want to go through them one by one, that's horrible." I stand up and turn away to compose myself.

"I'm sorry Miss Brown, but it is unavoidable. We will take it slowly and…"

"I'll be there the whole time, Lavender, you won't have to do it on your own." McGonagall says but I don't feel reassured.

"When?" I ask, still turned away from them.

"We will start next week, Monday evening." The Minister stands up and I turn to look at him.

"Who will be there?"

"I will, and Minerva, any one you want for support. I will also need a witness from the Ministry, I suggest Arthur Weasley, he is in the Order and I trust him."

"Okay… yeah Mr Weasley is fine." He nods and then Weasley escorts him out of the room. I walk over to the table and look at Dora's sleeping face. Her face is slightly red and I make a mental note to give her colic potion when she wakes up. I sit down at the table and just stare at her face.

I hear McGonagall walk over and she sits on the other side of the table. I keep my eyes on Dora's face.

"If it wasn't for Dora, would you still be here?" I look up at her and I know what she's asking, her face is full of concern and it's unlike the charm so I allow myself to keep looking at her face.

"No." McGonagall closes her eyes and nods and I look back down at Dora.

"I hope one day you realise that things will get better, and you have more people that love you than just Dora. You have more people to fight for, to stay alive for." I nod and McGonagall leaves.

I wait until the door closes before I start to cry. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle the noise so that I don't wake Dora.

I keep crying, even when I hear the door open and I don't even look up to see who is witnessing the tears. The footsteps come closer and Hermione kneels down in front of me.

"Lavender? What's happened?"

"I… I have to go through… go through the faces Hermione… I have to go through all of them…" Hermione pulls me into a hug and I sob onto her shoulder.

At some point Fleur comes in and she comes over and strokes my back.

"I don't think… I don't think I can do it… I don't want to remember…"

"I'm sure Kingsley will take it slowly, and stop if it gets too much." Hermione says onto my shoulder. I shake my head and pull back.

"If I don't do it they'll be free… they'll find me…"

"Lavender, the Order will protect you, you will be safe." Fleur says, kneeling next to Hermione and holding one of my hands.

After another ten minutes Dora starts crying and I manage to pull myself together to feed her and give her the potion.

I spend the rest of the evening on my bed, shopping for new clothes for me and Dora. Dora is on the bed with me and I conjure bubbles with my wand to entertain her.

By ten I've spent nearly a hundred galleons and I put Dora in her crib and change into night clothes, a knock on the door interrupts me and I walk over to it. It's Weasley.

"You haven't eaten today, Lavender." He says, he is also wearing his nightclothes but he is holding a tray with a bowl of stew.

"Oh, I'm not hungry."

"None negotiable, I don't want to get on the wrong side of Poppy. You can't have a potion tonight so we'll charm the room so that we'll know if you need help."

"Thanks." I take the tray and put it on my bed.

"Make sure you eat that. Goodnight."

"Thanks Professor." He nods and leaves the room.

I eat half a bowl of stew and the put it on the dresser and climb into bed. I pick up the letter from my parents which I had put on the bedside table and open it with a shaking hand.

_Dear Lavender,_

_We have been ordered to write to you before we go to Azkaban. We are sorry to hear about Flo, we know how much she meant to you. We understand that we shouldn't have left you, we should have checked on you during the war. We are sorry about what happened to you, no one deserves that. You were brave. We hope that you and the baby are well and that you have a happy life. We would prefer not to hear from you again, you have enough compensation to fund you and your descendants. _

_Goodbye Lavender,_

_Castor and Marjory._

I put the letter back on the bedside table and let the tears fall. The letter was so mechanical and forced, the only thing that felt like it had any emotion was when they asked not to see me again. They will have their wish. I am no longer their daughter and they are not my parents.

* * *

A/N So we'll get more details about the deal soon, what do you think?

Next chapter; Lavender takes a trip to the Burrow, and then she goes back to classes.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I will be looking for a new beta within the next few weeks, please PM me if interested (preferably someone familiar with UK English).

Bookwormkat1- You won't hear anymore about the conversation between Dobby and Harry but I'm glad you like the idea. I know what you mean about painkillers, I feel like I could rattle with the amount of pills!

witchprincess33- I considered putting a tissue warning at the start of the chapter but then decided against it, sorry!

LUG-14- You'll have to keep reading to get answers to all those questions!


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

I land smoothly at the Burrow on Sunday afternoon and to my great surprise Dora does not wake during the journey. Typical, I sneezed once last night and I couldn't get her off to sleep again till nearly nine but she sleeps as we whizz noisily past fireplaces.

"Oh Lavender dear, how lovely to see you." Mrs Weasley comes over and pulls me into a tight hug and then holds me by my shoulders and looks at me critically.

"You haven't slept have you?"

"No, I sneezed and she woke up, can't believe she slept through the Floo network." George snorts from the table and I see that Mr Weasley is also sat there. I can hear the others arriving outside; they apparated.

"Well come and sit down and I'll make you a drink, do you want to put the carrier in the living room and put the charms up?"

"Yes, thanks." She leads me into a sitting room full of mismatched armchairs and a large low sofa. I place Dora's carrier near the bookcase and then charm it before returning to the kitchen. The others have arrived and Mrs Weasley is hugging them all.

"Did she wake up?" Weasley asks, sitting down next to George.

"No, didn't even notice."

"Typical." I nod and sit down next to Hermione. Weasley stayed up with me for some of last night because the rota system has now started in preparation for my return to classes. I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it in equal measures.

"Well I'll see to 'er tonight, I have no morning classes." Fleur says and I nod. It feels strange to delegate responsibility of my daughter to people that I barely knew a few months ago.

"I've got her during second period, I'm free. What class do you have?" Ginny asks and I look down as I answer.

"Herbology."

"Are you looking forward to it?" Mrs Weasley asks, stirring the tea.

"Not really, it's a big class. I like Herbology though, it's just… big." Hermione nods next to me.

"Well we're all in that class, that's a good thing." I nod and it does make me feel better.

Mrs Weasley passes round some tea and the boys and Ginny leave to play Quidditch and I stay in the kitchen with Hermione, Mrs Weasley and Fleur. Mrs Weasley asks Fleur about her pregnancy but I barely follow the conversation; I have no idea how I'm going to manage to pay attention in classes.

"Lavender, you okay?" Hermione asks quietly. Mrs Weasley and Fleur continue their discussion and I turn to Hermione.

"Yeah, just wondering how I'm going to pay attention tomorrow. I'm finding it hard to follow conversations."

"You're probably just tired, the teachers will understand and you can borrow my notes."

"Thanks, I'm a bit worried about leaving Dora. I know she'll be safe but…" I trial off. I'm dreading leaving her but the alternative of taking her with me to classes is ridiculous.

"Mrs Weasley, did you find it hard to leave your babies with other people?" Hermione asks. Mrs Weasley puts down her cup and smiles slightly.

"Every mother does, dear." I think about my own mother and know that that is not true.

"She will be safe, Lavender." Fleur says and I nod.

"I know she will… I just… I'm being silly." I scratch my neck and then take a sip of tea.

"It's not silly, it's natural. I'm sure the teachers will understand." Mrs Weasley squeezes my hand but before the moment gets too intense Dora starts crying and I stand up.

"Do you want me to go?" Hermione asks.

"No, she needs feeding."

"Bring her in here if you want." I nod and walk into the living room and pick her up. I grab a bottle from the bag and then walk back into the kitchen and sit down at the table.

"Has the colic settled down?"

"Not really, it's better with the potion though. She's been a bit sicky though. I'd better warn Ginny."

The others talk quietly as I feed Dora. When the bottle is nearly finished she pushes it out of her mouth and no amount of delicate manoeuvring on my part will get it back in so I put the bottle on the table and start to burp her.

Her eyes are much more open now and she looks around at things. She seems to be fascinated by Fleur's hair and I smile as I watch her face.

"She likes your hair, Fleur." I say softly. Fleur had been absent-mindedly twisting a section of her long straight hair around one of her fingers. She smiles and looks down at Dora.

"It is ze veela magic, I am zure." She swings a piece of hair in front of Dora's face and her blue eyes follow its progress.

After she has finished burping I cradle her, rocking her gently. Percy Weasley arrives and greets me politely before going out to watch the Quidditch match. I'm surprised because I don't recall him being particularly sporty. Mrs Weasley finishes the lunch and then goes to call the others in. I slip out of my seat and go to put her in the carrier. She settles easily but as soon as I sit back at the table she starts crying so I go back to her and bring her with me.

"I'll plate you some food dear, is there anything you don't like?" Mrs Weasley asks, smiling at me.

"Thanks, no I'm not fussy." She passes me a plate that is full to the brim and I must look horrified by the amount because Professor Weasley laughs at me.

"Mom has a habit of feeding us all up, Lavender, just eat what you can." I nod and pick up a fork with my right hand, keeping the other arm around the baby and make slow progress through the plate. In preparation for tomorrow I try to follow the conversation.

"How's work, Dad?" George asks. His left hand still has a bandage on but he assured me it was just a precaution.

"Very busy but… I'm actually going to be promoted." Mrs Weasley smiles at her husband as the rest of the family make congratulatory noises.

"Really? To what?"

"Head of Muggle Relations, it's a big promotion, I was amazed when Kingsley asked me."

"But, what about Keith Butterfield?" Percy asks, his fork paused on its way to his mouth. Mr Weasley glances at me nervously and I drop my eyes to Dora who is finally asleep. He was one of the photos.

"I'll go and put her down." I stand up and walk into the sitting room. I put her in the carrier but I'm not even fully straightened again before she starts crying. I pick her up and take her back into the kitchen to find that the atmosphere is different but I pretend not to notice.

Mr Weasley talks through his new duties and Ron and Ginny seem to be quite interested in their Dad's new job. I pick at my food but don't eat much because I've lost my appetite.

Dora keeps crying so I put down my fork and rock her, she doesn't seem impressed.

"I can take her, I've finished." Weasley stands up and moves around the table to me. I pass her over and he takes her into the sitting room.

"How's the shop, George?" Hermione asks.

"Quite good, Lee's managing the front of house and I'm doing product development."

"Got any good ideas?" Percy asks, looking intrigued.

"I'm nearly finished with a glamour bracelet, to cover scars and things, thought it might be useful for you lot." He indicates at me, Ron and Hermione. I blush but am interested.

"How does it work?" I ask, taking a sip of juice.

"Well it's just a bracelet that you put on and it covers up scars and scratches and things, it seems to be going quite well but it doesn't last long."

"Would it cover a large area?" Hermione asks; she has gone quite pale and I wonder what scars she is hiding.

"I'm making a few prototypes so I can send you one to try if you want?" He asks and Hermione nods. "Lavender?"

"Umm…yes please, if it's not too much trouble."

"Of course not, I need a whole range of testers anyway." I nod and then put my knife and fork down.

"Are you sure you can't manage anymore?" Mrs Weasley asks, looking at my half-finished plate.

"Yes, thank you though, it was delicious. I haven't had a pie since… since Flo made one for me." Mrs Weasley smiles at me.

"Did she teach you to cook?"

"Not cook, bake though. We used to make cup-cakes and muffins for my tea-parties." I try and hold back the tears; I've done well so far today.

Hermione starts talking about her parents and I tune out of the conversation and then excuse myself to go and check on Dora. I walk into the sitting room and Weasley is in the middle of changing her nappy.

"Do you want me to take over? Your Mom's dishing up pudding."

"No, after what I've just seen I don't think I'll be eating for a while." I smile and he finishes changing her nappy and then passes her to me. "Do you not want any?"

"No, I'm full. I think I'll just sit in here with her if that's okay?"

"Sure, just shout if you need anything." I nod and sit down on the sofa. Within minutes we are both asleep.

I wake to the sounds of gentle conversation and to my dismay I realise that I have been drooling. I sit up and wipe my mouth. Dora is still asleep and I put her in the carrier and then rub my face.

"Sorry, must have dropped off."

"Not to worry dear, do you want a cup of tea?"

"No, thank you."

"Probably about time we headed back anyway Mom, I'm on duty tonight." Weasley says, standing up. Mr Weasley walks me to the fireplace as the others head to the garden to apparate.

"Thanks for having me, Mr Weasley. And congratulations on the promotion."

"Thank you, I'll see you tomorrow night anyway."

"Will you?" I ask, confused.

"To go through the first photo." He says, looking worried. It's like a bucket of ice cold water has been chucked over me but I manage a nod.

"Of course."

"Are you alright, you've gone a bit pale?" Mrs Weasley says, returning from the garden. I try and smile but I'm sure it's more of a grimace.

"I'm fine, thanks for having me. It's been nice to get out of the castle, and lunch was delicious."

"You're welcome, any time Lavender." Mrs Weasley hugs me tightly and then I Floo back to Weasley's apartment.

I put Dora in the crib and then start arranging my books for tomorrow. There's no point denying it, I'm absolutely petrified.

I spend the rest of the evening in my room, just thinking about tomorrow. I don't know which frightens me more; going to classes, or going through the photos. I have a quick bath and then stare at myself in the mirror for nearly ten minutes. There are more words than I remember, but then again it's the first time I've really looked at myself properly, really taken account of my body.

Dora starts crying and it interrupts my staring. I pull on some pyjamas and walk into the bedroom. I pick her up and she continues to cry. She doesn't need feeding, she doesn't need changing, and she's had her colic potion. I try and shush her and then kiss her on the forehead; she has a temperature.

I walk into the sitting room, Fleur is reading one of the pregnancy books on the sofa with her feet up and Weasley looks to be in the middle of marking.

"Dora's got a temperature." I say, trying not to sound panicked. Fleur sits up and walks over to me and feels her head.

"She does, Bill." She confirms, turning to her husband. He sends a patronus and then walks over to us.

"Don't worry, it's probably nothing, babies get temperatures easily. The twins always had a temperature and the healer said it was just because they were so energetic. Come and sit down." I nod and move to the sofa, Dora keeps crying and I try to soothe her but she's clearly not happy.

"I meant to ask you, are you planning on eating in the Hall yet?" Weasley asks, over Dora's screams.

"Oh… no I don't think so. Is that okay?" I ask. I've got enough to terrify me about tomorrow and I really don't want to add more.

"Yes, Professor McGonagall just wanted to know. She's going to make an announcement at breakfast, warn people to leave you alone." I nod; I definitely don't want to be there for that. The clock strikes ten and I look up at it; eleven hours till Herbology.

The door opens and Pomfrey comes in, she is wearing her dressing gown but seems quite awake.

"She's got a temperature, Madam Pomfrey, and she won't stop crying." I say. The matron sweeps over to me and taps Dora's forehead lightly with her wand, this only makes her cry more.

"It's not too high, it's probably just a cold. I'll give you a potion to give her, every four hours until tomorrow night then I'll check her again." I nod and Pomfrey passes me the potion. I give Dora the first dose and she appears to enjoy it.

"Strawberry flavoured. Now, who is watching her tonight?"

"I am." Fleur says.

"Excellent, well if there are any problems or the temperature goes up just send for me."

"Of course." I'm worried now. I doubted I'd sleep anyway but now I suspect it will be impossible.

"Lavender, don't worry. Babies have low immune systems, you didn't do anything wrong. Are you having a potion tonight?"

"No." I am due one but that's beside the point.

"Yes you are, you haven't had one since Thursday and you've got classes tomorrow." Weasley says, looking up from an essay.

"I'll save it till tomorrow."

"Lavender you really…"

"I'm not taking it." I say firmly, Fleur sighs but then nods.

"You Gryffindors are so stubborn." Pomfrey says, standing up.

"What house were you in?" Weasley asks, looking intrigued.

"Hufflepuff. Call me if you need me Fleur, goodnight." We all say goodnight and Pomfrey leaves. Dora has stopped crying but is still not asleep.

"When is she next due a feed?" Fleur asks.

"Twelve, and then four." I say, looking at Dora.

"Have you decided who you want with you tomorrow evening?" Weasley asks, putting the essays in a bag by the side of his chair.

"No, I'll be fine. Professor McGonagall will be there, won't she?"

"Yes, and my Dad and Kingsley. Are you sure you don't want anyone else? Hermione maybe?"

"No… I don't want her to know the details."

"Okay, well you can always change your mind for Tuesday."

"Is it going to be every day?"

"That's the plan, but if it gets too much just say." I nod.

"I shall fetch the crib and bring it out here." Fleur says, standing up. Weasley stands up and stretches out before picking up his bag and putting it on the dining table.

"Have you read any more of these letters?"

"No."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know." I wish he'd stop asking me questions. Isn't it obvious I have no idea what to do; I have no control over my life at the moment, he doesn't need to shine a light on it.

Fleur comes back and I kiss Dora on the head and then place her in it. It doesn't feel right, leaving my baby with Fleur when she's sick. It's what my mother would have done to me, leave me with Flo.

"I hop' you get some sleep, Lavender. Are you zure you will not take ze potion?"

"Just… call me if you need anything. Or if she gets sicker, or…"

"Lavender, go to bed, she will be fine." Fleur rubs my arm and I nod. I walk into my bedroom without saying good night to Weasley, perhaps it was rude but I don't really care. I climb into bed and lie awake, part of me is listening for the sound of Dora's crying and the other half is worrying about tomorrow. The tears fall and I'm so annoyed by their presence that they become sobs.

I was doing so well, I had almost made a whole day without crying. I roll onto my side and curl up. After about ten minutes my bedroom door opens and Fleur walks in and sits on the bed.

"What has upset you? Iz it Bill? He is worried that he upset you." I neither confirm or deny it and just keep crying. Fleur moves up so she is sitting by my chest and rubs my back.

"I… I don't know what I'm… what I'm doing…"

"No one expects you to know." She keeps trying to calm me but then Dora starts crying so she leaves me and closes the door.

I manage to calm down and then I pretend to be asleep when she checks on me. Then I sit up in the bed and summon the baby books that Mrs Weasley sent. They zoom over to me and I start reading.

When my alarm charm goes off at eight I'm in the middle of one of the books; I've read them all twice during the night. The charm makes me jump and I close the book and nearly run out of the room to see Dora.

Fleur is changing her and the pregnant witch looks tired.

"How is she?" I ask, moving to sit on the sofa. Fleur looks up briefly and then does a double-take, it reminds me of Parvati after the battle.

"You look terrible, have you not slept?" She asks.

"I'm fine, is she better?"

"She was a bit grizzly but not too bad. Shall I feed her while…"

"No, I'll feed her." I say, picking up the bottle from the coffee table. Fleur finishes putting the new nappy on and then passes her to me. She then stands up and walks into her bedroom. I can tell she's worried and I suspect she will speak to Weasley about me.

I feel Dora's head and the temperature has come down but she still doesn't seem herself. She takes the bottle well but after a few minutes she pushes it out and starts crying. I soothe her and then start to feed her again. The door to Weasley and Fleur's bedroom opens behind me but I don't look up and I don't greet them, I just keep my eyes on Dora's face.

Weasley sits down on the armchair and conjures a breakfast tray.

"Lavender, did you sleep at all?"

"I'm fine."

"That's not what I asked." I look up at him and he sighs.

"There is no point in having a rota system if you don't sleep when you have a night off, Lavender. Did you have nightmares or something?"

"No, I was reading."

"Reading? Reading, what?"

"The baby books. I don't know enough. I need to know more…"

"You'll learn most things as you go along. Are you sure you want to go to classes today?" I nod but don't reply. I need to get the first day over and done with, the longer I leave it the worse it will be.

"Okay, I've got to get to breakfast. You're having a potion tonight, no arguments. Ginny will be here at ten to watch Dora, the other Gryffindor's will be waiting for you in the Common Room to walk you to Herbology. Don't go anywhere on your own. Fleur's having a nap." I nod and look back at Dora.

Weasley hesitates and I wonder if he's going to say anything else but then he leaves without commenting further.

I finish feeding Dora and then put her in her crib and put the charms up and walk into the bathroom. I shower quickly and then put my hair in a loose plait without drying it completely and brush my teeth. I walk out into the bedroom and change into my uniform.

It feels strange wearing it again; I had to order a new skirt and shirt from Madam Malkins but I've always preferred baggy jumpers so I didn't need a new one. I pull on my tights and try not to look at the words, I can just about see them through the fabric but that's probably just because I'm looking. I pick up my bag and walk back into the sitting room.

Dora is still asleep and I eat my breakfast in silence. I glance at the clock every few minutes and by ten to ten I'm a nervous wreck. Dora starts crying and I'm grateful for it. I lift her out of the crib and change her before giving her the temperature potion.

The door to the Common Room opens and Ginny walks in with Hermione.

"Hi." I say, looking at Hermione.

"Rough night? I thought Fleur was watching her?"

"She was."

"Oh, just a rough night then." I nod and then look at Ginny's knees.

"Thanks for watching her Ginny, I've just changed her and she's had a bit of a temperature but I've given her the potion. Fleur is having a nap if you need her."

"Okay, will she need feeding?"

"Not until eleven, who's watching her then?"

"Neville." Hermione says. I'm relieved because he's fed her before.

"Okay. Well, everything you need is in here. If there's a problem just… get me." I'm so nervous that I'm practically shaking.

"Don't worry, Lavender, we'll be fine. I'll send a house-elf if I need you, and Fleur is in the next room." I nod and then pass Dora over to Ginny.

I pick up my bag and turn back to Dora.

"Umm… I think that's everything…"

"Come on, Lavender. They'll be fine." Hermione says and she takes my hand and leads me into the Common Room before squeezing my hand lightly and then dropping it.

Harry and Ron are waiting for us and we walk over to them.

"Ready?" Harry asks. I nod but my insides are screaming that I'll never be ready.

"Let's go, Neville and Dean are waiting for us." Ron opens the portrait hole and I hesitate before taking a step.

"We're going the long way, right?" I ask.

"Of course." Hermione says, smiling in an encouraging way. We start walking and it feels so strange. The first corridor is fairly empty but the next one is heaving. Ron puts his hand lightly on my back and leads me through the crowds. Harry and Hermione walk in front of us and clear the way.

I can hear whispers but I try to ignore them.

"Get to your classes before I start taking points." Hermione says and the lingering people move quickly.

"What did McGonagall say at breakfast?" I ask, looking at Ron.

"Just that you were starting classes today and that if anyone caused you trouble then there would be serious repercussions. She used her scary voice and everything." Ron grins slightly and I almost laugh.

As soon as we reach the greenhouses I relax slightly. Neville and Dean are waiting outside the door and greet me kindly. We walk inside and Hermione finds us a bench at the back. I put my bag down and sit on the stool because my legs are shaking.

It doesn't take long for the class to notice my arrival. Silence reigns and I keep my eyes on the bench and not towards the front of the class. Ron and Harry start a noisy conversation and in a few minutes chatter starts again.

"Right, we've got a theory lesson today. Open your textbooks on page twenty seven and read the passage and make through notes; I'll be collecting them at the end of the lesson." Sprouts instructions are met with groans and even I'm a bit disappointed; I'd rather be busy.

I open the book and start to read. It doesn't take long before my attention starts to ebb.

"Miss Brown, have you managed to catch up with the reading?" Sprout asks, pulling a stool over and sitting down next to me. I jump slightly but don't look up at her.

"Almost Professor, Neville's been helping me."

"Good, well let me know if you have any problems and we can see about some extra classes."

"Okay."

"You look tired, dear. I don't mind if you have a little nap."

"I'm fine." I reply, slightly annoyed. What's the point in me coming to class if they let me sleep?

"Well, I'll see you tonight, I'm watching Dora."

"Thanks." I say and then she moves away.

"Alright?" Hermione whispers and I look over at her. The class is relatively noisy considering we're supposed to be reading but Sprout just moves around helping people and watering some plants.

"I hate leaving her… I hate having people to watch her…"

"It must be hard."

"It… It just feels like… like my mother leaving me with Flo."

"It's not the same, Lavender. People just want to help you cope, help you finish Hogwarts."

"I know but… what's the point in getting my NEWT's? It's not like I'm ever going to be able to work at the Ministry or… do anything worthwhile."

"You don't know that."

"I do, anyway we should be reading." Hermione looks uncomfortable but then she starts reading again. We don't speak for the rest of the class and when we are dismissed. I look up from my books and my eyes find Susan Bones as she heads from the classroom, they'll all have to walk past me.

I must pale or look worried because Neville moves in front of me, breaking my eye contact.

"Lavender, you alright?"

"Yeah, just… stay there." Neville nods and doesn't move until it's only the Gryffindors left in the class.

"Better?" He asks.

"Yes, thanks Neville. You're watching Dora now aren't you?" I ask, standing up.

"Yes."

"She'll need feeding, the bottle's in the bag that Ginny will give you." I then give him instructions about her temperature and Hermione assures me that she'll be fine. I nod and we leave the classroom together.

Neville, Ron and Harry walk in one direction and Dean stays with me and Hermione.

"I've got History of Magic so I'll walk you to Ancient Runes, it's on the way."

"Thanks Dean." Hermione says and she and Dean make polite conversation until we reach the classroom. Weasley is standing in the corridor waiting for us and he seems to relax when we arrive.

"Good, come on in, thanks Dean." It's strange to hear some of the staff call the eighth years by our first names but I'm getting used to it.

We walk into the classroom and Hermione and I sit at the front, right by Weasley's desk. He starts a lecture and then sets an exercise.

I'm halfway through the exercise when I hear Parkinson's voice from behind me.

"Brown, I just wanted to say… I'm sorry… about what I said the other week." Hermione stops working and looks behind me.

"Just tell her I'm sorry, Granger, no one deserves that." Hermione looks at me and I nod to confirm that I heard. Now I'm getting pity from Parkinson; maybe hell is freezing over.

"Is there a problem here?" Weasley asks, moving from the back of the class and looking at me and Parkinson. I shake my head and he looks at Hermione for confirmation.

"It's fine, sir." He doesn't look convinced but he lets it drop and moves to sit at his desk.

I continue working but feel my eyelids starting to droop. I cannot fall sleep in this class, not in front of Weasley. I don't finish the worksheet by the end of the lesson so Weasley lets me keep it.

"I'll walk you back to the apartment, Professor McGonagall has scheduled your first Transfiguration lesson at two, she'll pick you up."

"Okay." I reply. We don't talk for the rest of the journey and by the time we reach the apartment I'm so desperate to see Dora that I nearly run.

Neville is sat on the sofa reading one of the baby books and Dora is in her crib, he looks up as we enter.

"Hey, good class?" He asks.

"Yes, how was she?" I reply, walking over to the crib and looking at her. I'm relieved that she's awake and pick her up and kiss her lightly.

"Fine, she had the whole bottle but she wouldn't go to sleep, she didn't cry though."

"Thanks, Neville."

"You're welcome, see you later." He leaves and I sit on the sofa and cuddle Dora. Weasley conjures a lunch tray and then sits in the armchair.

"Lavender, I'm sorry if I upset you last night, it was not my intention."

"I know… it's my fault, I was just worried about… everything."

"It's understandable, try and get some sleep before Professor McGonagall comes." I nod and he leaves for lunch.

I lie down on the sofa and lie Dora on my chest and we are both asleep within a minute.

* * *

A/N So Lavender is back in classes, but for how long? Please review!

Next chapter; Lavender starts going through the photos and McGonagall threatens Kingsley.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I'm still looking for a new beta!

witchprincess33- Thanks, what did you think of Lavender at the Burrow then?

LUG-14- Thanks!


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

I wake to the smell of baby sick, it's half one in the afternoon and Dora is still throwing up on me. I groan and sit up.

"Thanks, Dora." I say quietly, grabbing a cloth from the baby bag and wiping her mouth. I check she has finished vomiting and then put her in the cot and cast the charms. I change my uniform and eat half of a sandwich and then McGonagall arrives.

"Good afternoon, how was your morning?" She asks, moving to look at Dora who is now asleep in her crib.

"Fine thanks." I reply.

"Did you manage to sleep this afternoon?"

"I got about twenty minutes before Dora threw up on me." McGonagall laughs slightly.

"I heard she was a bit under the weather. Poppy will be here in a minute to watch her."

"Oh, I thought we were having the lessons in here." I reply; I don't want to leave her again.

"No, you need to focus, we'll be going to my office." I don't reply and then Pomfrey arrives.

"I smell baby sick." She says in greeting.

"I changed, can you still smell it?" I ask, smelling my hair. I can still smell it.

"I'll cast an odour elimination charm." McGonagall says, waving her wand. Pomfrey seems satisfied but I can still smell it; perhaps it's in my nose.

"Is she due a feed?"

"Yes, she had a full bottle with Neville though so don't worry if she doesn't finish it. She's due the potion as well."

"Excellent, we will have a marvellous time." Pomfrey says, sitting down and conjuring a tray of tea for one. I grab my bag from my room and then follow McGonagall into the corridor.

It's not busy because it's ten past two so any late comers will be rushing. We don't meet anyone until the entrance hall where Professors Flitwick and Slughorn are talking. McGonagall greets them and I smile slightly as we pass them. I feel bad for dropping Charms now.

McGonagall gives the password and we enter her office. The portraits greet her and she waves in recognition and then sits at her desk. I sit across her trying not to look at the portraits of Dumbledore and Snape behind her desk.

"Right well, if you fill in this worksheet I'll know where we need to start." She passes me a piece of parchment and I fill it in as best I can. I know about half of the answers. I pass it back to her and she marks it silently.

"Okay, we'll start with elemental transfiguration then, can you give me a definition?"

"No." I reply. I hate being in this room because I can feel the eyes of all the previous heads boring into me and it's making me feel sick. McGonagall gives the definition and I try to follow it but I can feel my hands shaking and I can't copy it down.

"Did you get all that?"

"No." I say, scratching my neck and trying not to panic.

"Are you okay?" I look up at her but it's a mistake and I look down again and clench my fists to try and regain some control.

"I… I don't… I don't like it in here." I stammer. McGonagall stands up and moves around the desk.

"Come on." She says, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. As soon as I'm outside of the office I relax and take deep steadying breaths.

"I'm sorry." I say, leaning back against the wall.

"Don't apologise for things that are outside your control. What was the problem?" It seems so stupid now but it felt so real at the time.

"It's… it's all the portraits. I felt like they were watching me."

"They probably were. I'll get your things and we'll move the lesson to the Room of Requirement." I nod and within ten minutes we are there.

The rest of the lesson passes smoothly and I allow myself to remember how much I enjoyed Transfiguration. McGonagall walks me back to the apartment and Pomfrey tells me that Dora's fever is decreasing and that it was probably just a twenty four hour bug. They both leave and I enjoy the solitude before Dora wakes and Weasley and Fleur return.

I cast charms on her crib and then sleep in bed for an hour before she wakes. I'm in the middle of feeding her when Fleur and Weasley come in. Fleur sits down and conjures a tea tray and Weasley takes their bags into their bedroom and then comes back out and sits down.

"How was Transfiguration?" He asks as his wife pours the tea.

"It was okay… we had to change rooms though." He's going to find out at some point. I explain about the portraits and he seems to understand. It's then that I realise that I need someone there when I go through the photos. McGonagall is one of the faces, I'm not sure I like Kingsley, and I don't know Mr Weasley that well.

"Lavender?" I start and look at Fleur.

"Sorry… miles away. What did you say?"

"I asked if you had much homework."

"Oh, not too much really." In fact I have no idea, I make a note to check with Hermione.

When I finish feeding Dora I put her in the crib and then walk into the Common Room and sit down next to Dean at the table. We work on Herbology together and then Hermione comes over and I finish my Ancient Runes translation. It seems so strange to be sat here with them, just doing homework as if it's my only worry. Harry and Ron come over and Dean and Hermione leave with them for dinner.

I gather my things and walk back into the apartment. I check on Dora and I'm surprised that she's still sleeping, she must be feeling better. I go into the bedroom and change into jogging bottoms and my Gryffindor hoodie and then walk back into the living room and sit on the sofa.

I have no idea who to ask to stay with me but I know I need to decide quickly. It can't be one of the faces, which rules out all of the female staff and students from last year. I don't want it to be Hermione because she already knows enough. It can't be Weasley or Fleur because I'm already staying with them and Fleur is pregnant. I have no idea how Ron would react but I know it can't be him. Harry would find some way to blame himself, as would Neville. I don't trust Seamus enough anymore. The decision is made before I even realise it.

The door opens and Weasley and Fleur walk in.

"Lavender, the Minister will be here in half an hour. Are you sure you don't want anyone to be with you?" Weasley asks, I look up at him.

"I've changed my mind, I do want someone with me." I say, slightly breathlessly. Fleur looks surprised and Weasley looks relieved.

"Good, I was worried. Who?" He sits down.

"Dean." I say. At that moment Dora starts crying and Fleur goes over to her.

"Dean Thomas? Are you sure?" Weasley asks.

"Yeah, I've been thinking about it, he's the only one that I trust, and wasn't one of the faces and… can you ask him?"

"Of course, you know Fleur and I would be happy to."

"No, you've done enough and Fleur's pregnant." I reply and Weasley nods and then stands up and leaves, presumably to find Dean.

Fleur brings Dora over and offers to feed her. I let her.

Twenty minutes later Weasley returns with Dean.

"It's time to go, Lavender. Professor McGonagall is waiting with Kingsley and my Dad in her apartment. We'll watch Dora." I nod and stand up.

"Are you sure you don't mind, Dean?" I ask; he had his own problems last year and I remember that they were enough to give him nightmares.

"Of course I don't, anything I can do to help." I smile and Weasley walks with us to McGonagall's quarters. They're not far away, near her new office. He knocks on the door and McGonagall opens it.

"Good, come on in."

"I'll see you later, Lavender." Weasley says and I nod but don't reply; I feel sick already.

Dean and I walk into the office and McGonagall points us to a large red tartan sofa next to the fire and we sit down.

The Minister is sat in one armchair and Mr Weasley is in the other, he smiles in greeting. McGonagall sits on the other side of me and Dean appears to be quite nervous.

"Right, Kingsley, Arthur, this is Dean Thomas. Dean this is the Minister for Magic and Mr Weasley." Dean stands up and shakes both of their hands. I realise that I should have given him more time to prepare for this. His mind is probably still processing Weasley's request to help me, he probably said yes without really thinking about it.

McGonagall indicates to the Minister and he opens a file and puts a photo on the table. I look and it and then at the Minister.

"Do we have to start with him?" I ask. McGonagall also seems surprised. "What about Carrow? I thought his trial was first."

"It is but they are starting with his Death Eater trial, they won't get to the Hogwarts accusations until next week. Proudfoot's being dealt with by a sub-committee that I set up for this… situation. The legal trials will be in the morning and the internal investigations in the afternoon. It's hard to explain but Proudfoot's is first because I promoted him to Head Auror as soon as I became Minister." I nod but I really wish we could start with Carrow.

"How do you want this to work, Kingsley. Questions and answers?" McGonagall asks.

"Perhaps if Lavender tells us what she remembers and then we can ask questions if they are needed?" Mr Weasley suggests and Kingsley nods.

"Good idea, whenever you're ready, Miss Brown." I look at him, and then the photo. I'll never be ready. The seconds drag on and then I feel Dean squeeze my hand lightly and it gives me courage and I start talking.

My voice is without emotion and surprisingly without tears. I talk for nearly twenty minutes without stopping and I'm glad that no one interrupts me. I give the facts and details but I don't describe how it felt, how scared I was, how terrified I am now that Dora will find out who her father is.

When I finish I rub my legs and look up at the Minister. His face is unreadable and I don't find it reassuring.

No one says anything and now I wish they would, this silence unnerves me. Finally it is Mr Weasley who breaks it.

"Thank you, Lavender. That was exactly… what we needed to know." I nod at him, grateful to him. "Any questions, Kingsley?" He asks and I look at the Minister, his face has not changed. "Kingsley?" Mr Weasley asks again.

Suddenly the Minister for Magic stands up and walks out of the room into the corridor. Mr Weasley follows him and I look at Dean. He has tears in his eyes.

"Do… does he not believe me?" I ask, terrified.

"Excuse me." McGonagall says, sounding furious, and she also leaves the room. Her departure seems to bring Dean out of himself and he looks at me carefully.

"You don't…"

"Lavender, we believe you. No one could not believe you. He's probably just shocked, you heard him, they were probably friends." I nod and the tears I have been holding back spill out and I sob slightly. I could have coped if he's stayed and not believed me, or shouted at me, even laughed at me but… leaving. That's thoughtless.

Dean rubs my back and I hold my hand to my mouth to try and control myself. After a couple of minutes the door opens again and McGonagall comes in with the other two trailing slightly behind. She comes and sits next to me again and rubs my back softly as the other two sit down. She then conjures a tea tray but doesn't pour. Dean kneels down and starts preparing it and I wait for the Minister to say something.

"Colin Proudfoot was my friend Lavender, he was my Auror partner for over twenty years. I… I had hoped that you were mistaken with your identification but… you clearly weren't. I'm sorry for my reaction, it was inappropriate."

"I thought you already believed me." I turn to McGonagall, confused. "I thought you told him about Dora."

"She did but I did not believe her." Shacklebolt says, before McGonagall can reply.

"Have you seen her?" I ask, looking at him.

"No."

"Maybe you should." I reply coldly. Dean passes out the tea and we all drink in silence. I finish my cup quickly and then put it down.

"Can I go now?"

"No, I do have a few questions." The Minister says, putting down his cup.

"Try and keep it brief Kingsley." McGonagall says.

"I will do my best. Now I'm just going to ask these questions in the same way that a cross-examining lawyer would." I nod, knowing I'm not going to like this. "Had you ever met Proudfoot before?"

"No."

"He helped to guard Hogwarts in your sixth year, you didn't see him then?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, so the first time you met him you were in the room?"

"Yes."

"Your back indicated that he… he raped you seven times, does this correlate with your recollection?" I hear McGonagall gasp slightly but I don't turn to her.

"Do you really expect me to remember everyone's… score?" I reply, feeling sick.

"I'm… so you don't recall the exact number…"

"Of course she doesn't." Dean snaps, looking angry.

"Please, don't take offense. I need to ask these questions. Do you remember the first time he came? When exactly it was?"

"No, there was no daylight… I didn't know what day it was or… month."

"Okay, during the summer did you receive the Daily Prophet?" I'm surprised by this question.

"Yes."

"Did you see that Proudfoot had been promoted?"

"No, I didn't read it that closely."

"Have you had any contact with him since the battle?"

"No."

"Did you see him during the Ministry attack?"

"I'm… I'm not sure… I can't remember. Can we stop now?" I ask, turning to McGonagall.

"Kingsley have you finished?"

"Just one more question, would you want him to pay child maintenance?"

"I… No… I don't want him to know… does he know?"

"We're not sure." It's like my stomach has just travelled through the Floo network and McGonagall conjures a bowl just in time for me to fill it. Dean holds my hair back and McGonagall rubs my back.

When I'm finished I sit up and look at Shacklebolt.

"Can I go now? Please?" I beg.

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow night, I'm sure it will get easier."

"It will get easier for you." I reply before standing up.

Dean and McGonagall walk me back to the apartment in silence and when we walk into the sitting room Dora is screaming in Fleur's arms. I look at her fleetingly before walking straight into my bedroom and slamming the door.

I sit on the end of the bed and cry. The thought that he knows about Dora fills me with complete horror, what if he wants to find her? What if he wants to hurt her?

There is a knock on the door but I ignore it, it opens anyway but I don't look up to see who it is. When he sits next to me I realise it's Dean.

"You did really well, Lavender." He says but I shake my head. He puts his arm around me and I cry on him for a while.

The door opens again and Weasley comes in, he kneels in front of me so that I look at him.

"Professor Sprout has come to watch Dora for the night, get your night things on and then have a potion. You need to sleep tonight." I nod and he leaves the room with Dean.

I pull on my pyjamas and brush my teeth. I walk into the sitting room and Sprout is feeding Dora and talking to Fleur and Weasley. McGonagall is standing by the fire and Dean is gone. She walks over to me and I keep my eyes down.

"You did well, Lavender. Really well."

"No I didn't. I thought he didn't believe me." I reply, looking up at her.

"His reaction was inappropriate and insensitive and I've told him, in no uncertain terms, that he reacts like that again he might end up without a certain part of his anatomy." I smile slightly and McGonagall does too.

I walk over to Sprout and thank her for watching Dora, she passes her to me and I kiss her and then pass her back. Weasley hands me a potion and then Fleur walks into the bedroom with me to make sure I take it. I do and she helps me into bed. My stomach rumbles.

"Have you not eaten?" She asks, the potion is already working so my answer is mumbled.

"No… wasn't hungry…"

"You should have eaten, this potion is…" I close my eyes and her voice fades.

* * *

A/N So we've started the interviews, what do you think?

Next chapter; Madam Pomfrey is not happy with Lavender, Bill gives Ron a detention and the interviews continue.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing!

Allen Pitt- She won't have to go to the Ministry because it's not safe, you'll find out more soon.

witchprincess33- Lol, thanks!

Bookwormkat1- Thanks.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

When I open my eyes in the morning I have a horrendous headache. I groan and roll over to get up. I try to stand up but my legs don't support me and I crash into the floor. The door opens and Pomfrey rushes in with Fleur.

"What are you doing here? Is Dora alright?" I ask, rubbing my head and trying to untangle my legs.

"She's fine, I'm here for you. Headache and dizziness I believe?" She helps me back onto the bed.

"Yes, how do you…?"

"You didn't eat and then you took a strong sleeping potion. That's very dangerous, don't do it again. Drink these and then come and have breakfast." Her voice is so firm that I don't think to argue with her. The potions clear my head instantly and only leaves me with a ravenous hunger. I walk into the living room and Weasley is sat on the armchair holding Dora. There is a huge tray of food in front of him.

I sit down next to Fleur and Pomfrey waves her wand over me. I wait for her to finish but she glares at me so I take a piece of toast.

"You've been lucky, don't do that again. If I find out you've been skipping meals to lose baby weight then…"

"It wasn't to lose weight! I don't care about that."

"What was it then?" She asks, apparently not convinced.

"I was… worried about talking about… what happened. I don't eat when I'm worried." Her expression softens and she sits down in the free armchair.

"I'm sorry, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. You need to try and eat three meals a day, it's important. You're anaemic and you've got a vitamin deficiency. I could give you potions but I'd rather you ate more."

"Okay, I'll eat, sorry." To prove my point I pick up an apple and bite into it.

"You're blood pressure is also a bit too high but that's probably due to stress." I nod but don't reply; I can't see my stress vanishing any time soon. Pomfrey gives me a list of do's and don'ts and then leaves. I eat more breakfast than usual and then feed Dora.

"You've got Care of Magical Creatures first, Harry and Ron are going to go with you." I look up at Weasley in confusion.

"They don't take that class."

"I know but there are no Gryffindors in the class and Harry and Ron are both free and they don't mind accompanying you."

"Really?"

"It's outside and they like Hagrid."

"Okay, who's watching Dora?"

"I am, then you've got a free period and then Transfiguration. Hermione is watching her then. Alright?"

"Yeah, can you write this down for me at some point?" I hate not knowing what's going on and who's supposed to be with me and with Dora. He picks up a sheet of parchment from the table and casts the Gemini charm on it and then passes me the copy, it's my timetable. The subject is listed, then the Gryffindor members in green, then the name of the person watching Dora in blue.

"Thanks. I want to look after her on Friday and Saturday nights though, it doesn't feel right otherwise." Weasley sighs.

"We'll compromise, you can stay up but the other person can stay with you, then you can both get sleep." I don't like the plan much but I look at the timetable and see that it is Neville on Fridays and Weasley or Fleur on Saturdays, it could be worse so I nod.

Harry and Ron arrive and we walk to Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid smiles at me in greeting and seems pleased to have Harry and Ron here. The other students consist of four Hufflepuffs and a Ravenclaw. The Hufflepuffs all greet me kindly. Hannah Abbott looks like she wants to hug me but I think my expression keeps her away. The Ravenclaw, Terry Boot, does not even acknowledge me.

The lesson is about Dragons and it's obvious that Hagrid would rather have one here as an example.

"…so the main thing to take away from this lesson is that Dragons are not dangerous, just misunderstood." Hagrid finishes. Harry snorts behind me and Ron appears to be hiding a smile.

"But… don't they kill people?" Hannah asks delicately.

"Well a dog will kill yer if yer bother it, Hannah."

"They have a taskforce in Wales to explain all the deaths from the Welsh Greens, logically that implies that there is a risk." Boot says, looking condescending.

"Dragons were here befer people! We're on their land, not the other way round. Now I want yer all to write an essay on a Dragon of yer choice. Due in next week."

"I would have liked to write about the Welsh Greens, my Uncle worked on the reserve but unfortunately thanks to someone lying to cover up the fact that she's a slut who got pregnant, he's now in Azkaban awaiting trial for a crime he didn't commit." I look at Boot in shock; I had no idea he was related to one of the men.

The Hufflepuff's all gasp and Hagrid seems to build himself up to his full height but Ron has the fastest reaction. He storms over to Boot and knocks him out cold with one punch. He then punches again and again and Hagrid lifts him off the unconscious Ravenclaw and Harry runs over to them.

"Ron, calm down. You knocked him out, it's over!"

"Bloody knob, I'm going to kill him!" Ron says, still struggling against Hagrid's tight hold. I walk over to them and stand in front of Ron.

"Ron, stop it, please." I ask quietly, Ron struggles for a moment more and then relaxes. The Hufflepuffs all come over and Ernie kneels down to check on Boot.

"We should get him to the hospital wing, Hagrid." He says, looking up at the half-giant.

"Yeah, class dismissed. You two get Lavender back to the apartment. I'll have ter tell McGonagall about this Ron, I'll tell her what he said though." Hagrid moves to Boot and picks him up as easily as if he was a book.

"Hagrid, how long do you want the essay to be?" Justin asks.

"Oh, ten inches." He calls, already on his way towards the hospital wing.

"Are you alright, Lavender?" Hannah asks, moving to stand next to me.

"I'm fine, thanks." I say quietly. The Hufflepuffs all walk back to the castle with me and then leave to go to their next classes leaving me with Harry and Ron.

Ron still seems to be angry and his hand is bruised and swollen.

"Ron, you should get Pomfrey to look at your hand." I say. Harry looks down at his hand too.

"What? Yeah I will later." He stretches out his fingers and winces.

We arrive at the apartment and Weasley is sat at the table doing marking, he looks up at us and seems to know instantly that something happened.

"What's happened?" He asks, standing up and walking over to us. Harry answers.

"Terry Boot made a comment about Lavender and Ron knocked him out." Weasley looks down at his brother.

"Ron?"

"Yeah I knocked him out, and I'd do it again." He replies, still breathing angrily.

"Lavender, are you okay?" Weasley asks, his eyes still on his brother.

"Yeah, Ron hurt his hand though, he should be in the hospital wing." Weasley lifts up the probably broken hand and Ron winces again.

"What class have you got now?" He asks, looking at Harry.

"Transfiguration."

"Well you go and tell my third years that I'll be late and to carry on with their translations from yesterday and then go to Transfiguration and tell Fleur that Ron's with me." Harry nods and then leaves.

"You sure you're alright, Lavender?" Weasley asks, looking at me.

"Yeah, has Dora been okay?"

"Fine, she's been asleep for about forty minutes." I thank Weasley and then he leaves with Ron who is still red with anger.

I move and sit on the sofa. I knew it would be hard going back to classes but I didn't think the animosity would be from my year group, especially from a Ravenclaw. Terry was in the DA, we were partners in Astronomy in fifth year and we got on fine.

Dora interrupts my thoughts and I go and pick her up. She's not due a feed but the smell tells me she needs changing. I put down the changing mat in my bedroom and summon the bag. She almost seems to be smiling at me, although the baby books tell me it's probably just wind.

I remove the dirty nappy and put cream on and then leave her for a few minutes, just wriggling her legs in the air, I tickle her stomach slightly and blow on her face and she seems to like it. I smile and then put a new nappy on and change her outfit.

I put her in a pink striped baby-gro and carry her into the living room and bounce her on my knee. She doesn't seem tired so I spend my free period just playing with her and I really enjoy it.

The door opens and McGonagall comes in.

"It's nice to hear you laughing, especially after what I've been told happened in Care of Magical Creatures."

"She seems to be having a happy day, it's infectious." I reply. Dora giggles again and I look back at her.

"So it seems, Hermione will be here soon, she's just telling Ron off. Harry told me what Boot said, did it upset you?" It appears that McGonagall has given up calling any of the Gryffindors by our surnames, perhaps she's realised that too much has happened now.

"Not as much as it upset Ron, I was just surprised. Terry and I always got on fine. I didn't know about his Uncle."

"Perhaps I should have warned you. I didn't think he would speak to you though, Filius is putting him in detention for a week and taking away his weekend privileges till Christmas."

"Isn't that a bit harsh, considering Ron already knocked him out."

"I warned the students that any disparaging comments to you would be dealt with firmly. I don't go back on my word."

"Has Madam Pomfrey healed him though?"

"Yes, he broke his nose and cheekbone. Ron also broke his hand but it is fine now."

"It was quite a punch, knocked him out in one go."

"I've heard, the Weasley temper is not to be meddled with."

"Ron's not in trouble though is he?" I ask, worried.

"Bill took twenty points and gave him a detention, I think he wanted to take more but he couldn't. Ron was defending your honour."

"It's not worth defending." I mumble. McGonagall looks set to reply but the door opens and Hermione walks in.

"Are you alright, Lavender? I'm so sorry about what happened! I can't believe Ron punched him!"

"It's fine Hermione, is he alright?"

"He's fine, he insists he won't be able to write for a week but I saw right though that and threatened to write to Mrs Weasley." I laugh.

"Isn't that a bit of a low blow?"

"It wasn't because he punched him, I was annoyed that he kept punching him when he was already out cold. That's deplorable." I smile but don't reply.

"Right well we best get started." McGonagall says, standing up. I pass Dora to Hermione and tell her she's due a feed when she wants it and then grab my bag and follow McGonagall.

* * *

After I finish Ancient Runes later that afternoon I go straight to the apartment and relieve Ginny of Dora and then walk into the Common Room to find Dean. Neville is sat at the table working on an essay.

"Neville, have you seen Dean?" I ask, bouncing Dora slightly to entertain her.

"I think he's in his room, want me to grab him?"

"No, I'll go, could you watch Dora? I need to talk to him."

"Sure, she seems happy today."

"She is, just come and get me if she starts fussing. I won't be too long." I pass Neville his god-daughter and then walk to Dean's room and knock on the door.

"Yeah?" I push the door open. Dean is lying on his bed reading a muggle newspaper.

"Have you got a minute?" I ask. He sits up and throws the paper on the floor.

"Sure, everything alright? I heard about Boot."

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's not about Boot."

"Oh, what is it then?"

"I just wanted to check that you don't mind being with me, for the interviews?"

"No, I don't mind, why?"

"I just realised that I didn't give you much time to get used to the idea, you can say no if you don't want to, I'd understand."

"I want to be there for you. You shouldn't do it on your own. I want to help, Lavender." I smile slightly and he mimics me.

"Really? I know it can't be nice to hear."

"No it's not but if you can be brave enough to talk about it then I can be brave enough to listen. What time are we starting tonight?"

"After dinner I think. Thanks Dean." He smiles and I leave the room and walk back to the Common Room. Neville is still holding Dora and she appears to be staring at him.

"…yes I know it's hard to believe but I'm your god-father, Dora." I smile again and walk over to them.

"Was she okay?"

"Yeah, she's really looking around now."

"I know, she likes it when I conjure bubbles with my wand." I produce a few bubbles and she watches their progress. When one pops on her nose she makes a purring sound.

I take her off Neville and then walk back into the apartment and put her in the crib. Fleur is lying on the sofa apparently asleep so I work in my room for a while. I pick a dragon for my essay and then work on catching up with Herbology which seems to have moved on faster than any of my other classes.

Someone knocks on the door and I tell them to come in, it's Fleur.

"Good nap?" I ask.

"Yes, I did not intend to have one but… your dinner is ready." I stand up and cast charms on the crib and then follow Fleur into the sitting room. The tray is set up for two and she sits on the armchair and picks up the other plate.

"How come you're not eating in the hall?" I ask.

"I have had a trying day, my Ravenclaw class were particularly challenging and I wanted to stay here."

"Were they naughty?" I ask, surprised. Ravenclaws are usually the most well behaved house.

"No, they were precocious. It was a fifth year class and I theenk they were trying to see if I was ready to take them next year. I took fifty points."

"Tough day for Ravenclaw then."

"I heard what happened. You do not zeem upset, perhaps you are getting better at hiding your feelings?" I look at her and then think for a moment.

"I don't know, I was just surprised that he said it. I'm too busy worrying about the interviews to bother with much else."

"How did it go yesterday?"

"Professor McGonagall didn't tell you?"

"She did, I want to know how you thought it went."

"Oh… I'm glad Dean came with me." I put down my fork filled with mash potato and stare at the fire. "Mr Weasley was kind, I'm not sure about the Minister, I don't think he likes me."

"Kingsley ez a hard man to read, he does not show his emotions easily, you are perhaps too similar."

"I don't have problems showing my emotions, I cry every day!" I reply, offended.

"Yes, you cry. You do not talk about how you are feeling though, you push zat aside."

"Doesn't everyone do that? If we all talked about our feelings all the time we'd never get anything done." Fleur smiles and I eat the mash potato, thinking hard. "Is McGonagall going to make me talk to someone?"

"I don't know, I theenk she will wait until you get further into ze interviews." I nod. I need to show emotion in the interviews otherwise she'll get someone in to talk to me.

Dora starts crying and I'm glad of the break in the conversation. I carry her into the sitting room and feed her, my own dinner goes cold but when Fleur finishes hers she takes over feeding Dora and reheats my dinner. I now suspect that she is staying here to make sure I eat, maybe I'm getting paranoid.

After dinner I walk into my bedroom and change into a pair of jeans and a light blue jumper and then look at the timetable that Weasley made and see that McGonagall is watching Dora tonight. I won't be able to take a potion and I suspect that's why she's on duty.

The interview with the Minister is easier tonight and we get two photos done and I don't throw up. I ask Shacklebolt to write down a schedule of who we will be discussing and when because I don't like being surprised by the faces. He says he'll bring one tomorrow but tells me that we'll be talking about You-Know-Who then. I don't take it well.

"Why?" I ask, standing up. Dean gasps and I realise he didn't know.

"We said we would go through all the faces." Shacklebolt replies, not looking at me.

"No, I didn't agree to that. I'm not doing the ones that are dead, no way!"

"Lavender, you need to talk about all of them, it will help you come to terms with…"

"I'll talk about it but it doesn't need to be here, I'll do the alive ones here but I'm not doing the dead ones. It's a waste of everyone's time when nothing can be done about it!" McGonagall stands up and I look at her.

"You will talk about what happened with the others?" She asked, with a serious face.

"Yes, not here though."

"Who will you talk to?"

"I don't know, whoever."

"Me?"

"Fine, whatever just not here!"

"Very well, Kingsley that will give you more time to devote to the other cases."

"Okay, we'll do Carrow tomorrow then, and I'll bring the list with me." I nod and he and Mr Weasley leave.

McGonagall and Dean walk me back to the apartment and Dean hugs me as he leaves. Fleur is holding Dora as we enter and she looks up at me.

"How did it go?" She asks. Weasley pokes his head out of the kitchen.

"Fine, has she been alright?"

"Good as gold." Weasley says and I take Dora off Fleur and McGonagall sits down and conjures a tray of tea. I take Dora into the bedroom and get the baby bath from under the bed and fill it with water in the bathroom.

I bathe her and she seems to enjoy it. The colic must be gone because she seems to be really happy now. I put bubbles in the water and her arms flail around, trying to touch them. When she's clean I dry her and then put her in a Gryffindor baby-gro that Flo bought for her and walk back into the sitting room.

McGonagall fetches the crib and sets it up by the dining table and I put Dora in it and wrap her in a blanket that Mrs Weasley made for her. I then move to the post bags and pick up a handful of the letters.

"Are you going to read them?" McGonagall asks, looking at me shrewdly.

"Maybe."

"Well when you get through them there are four more post bags full in the kitchens." I nod.

"Night, Lavender." Weasley says, walking into his bedroom. Fleur has already gone to bed.

"Goodnight Professor." I reply. I look back down at Dora and then at McGonagall.

"She needs feeding at twelve and then four."

"I will remember, just call me if you need anything."

"Yeah, thanks Professor." I reply. I keep hold of the letters and walk into the bedroom. I have a long soak in the bath and then climb into bed. I wish I could take a potion every night, I wish I didn't have to talk through the faces, I wish a lot of things were different.

* * *

A/N So we're getting more into the interviews now, what do you think?

Next chapter; Lavender's nightmares take a darker turn, Bill gives Ginny a detention, and Neville gets a surprise.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I'm still looking for a new beta!

witchprincess33- Thanks!

Bookwormkat1- So do you think the detention was well-deserved?


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

I'm standing in the room and the faces are looking down at me. He comes in and I try to move away but I can't, I try to scream but I can't. I can hear Dora crying but I can't figure out where she is. He lies on top of me and strokes my hair. I try and move my head out of the way but I'm paralysed.

The faces are bright, too bright and Hermione is one of the faces. She looks disgusted and I try to close my eyes and stop looking but I can't. I feel him enter me and it hurts more than it should. Ginny is laughing at me and it doesn't make any sense. Parvati is pointing at me and Flo is stroking my head.

"…wake up! Lavender!" I open my eyes and McGonagall is standing next to me. I sit up quickly and I'm shaking so much it hurts. My body is covered it sweat and I'm horrified to realise that I've wet the bed. I haven't done that since I was about seven.

"Lavender, it's okay. Take deep breaths." I look at McGonagall's face but the charm is too recent a memory and it doesn't help. I push myself away from her and pull my legs up to my chest, I can still feel the pain and it disgusts me.

"Talk to me, please." McGonagall's voice sounds strange, like she's trying not to cry. I shake my head and try and stop the shaking.

The door is open and Weasley and Fleur come in and Fleur walks straight over to me. She puts her hand on my shoulder and I flinch like she's struck me so she withdraws it.

"It's okay, Lavender, it was a nightmare." She says, softly.

"I wet the bed." I reply, I can smell it and I'm sure they can.

"It doesn't matter, Lavender." Weasley says from next to McGonagall.

"I need a shower."

"Okay, have one and the house-elves will change the sheets." McGonagall says. I nod but don't move. No one moves and no one speaks.

After a few minutes the shaking settles and I stand up. Fleur looks like she wants to help me but I stay away from her and walk into the bathroom with my arms wrapped tightly around my chest like I'm trying to hold myself together.

"Come into the living room when you're done." McGonagall says. I just shut the door and don't reply.

I pull of my clothes and charm the mirror to black because I don't want to see myself. I get into the shower and turn the water on, not caring that it is initially cold. I rub soap all over myself and then sit in the corner of the shower and cry. The water is still running but I make no effort to turn it off.

I pick at the words on my legs, trying to erase them. The water beneath me turns red but I keep picking. The word 'whore' is now barely legible on my thigh and I move on to the word 'slut' on my upper arm.

I don't hear the door being knocked or opened but suddenly McGonagall is there, she's talking to me but I'm not listening. I just keep picking at my arm. The water stops running and she covers me with a towel and sits just outside the shower. I keep picking and when the towel starts to become red she pulls out my hands and holds them tightly. I look at her.

"I… I wanted to get the words off…"

"I know."

"I don't like talking about it… I don't like seeing their faces."

"I know, Lavender." She squeezes my hands and I look at my nails; they are covered in blood.

"I'm sorry, Professor."

"You have nothing to apologise for, you are doing your best Lavender. I know that."

"It's too hard… I can't do it anymore, it's only been two days… it's going to take months…"

"One step at a time, let's get you dry and warm, you're freezing." I don't move but McGonagall stands up and let's go of my hands, I look at them. It's like they don't belong to me, when was the last time I painted my nails, or had a manicure?

"Come on, stand up." She holds out her hand and I take it, I use my other hand to pull myself up and the towel drops, McGonagall grabs another one and wraps it around me, I don't even think to feel embarrassed, she's seen me at my worst. She sits me on the toilet and then summons a pair of pyjamas from my room.

"Dry yourself off and get dressed. I'll wait in the sitting room." I don't respond and she doesn't leave.

She kneels down in front of me and tries to intercept my eye line.

"Can you get dressed, Lavender?" I nod and she leaves and shuts the door.

I dry myself lightly and then pull the new night clothes on. The blood from my arm and leg soaks them quickly and it looks like I've been shot with a muggle gun. I stand up and stagger slightly before walking into my room.

I look at the bed and see that the elves have indeed changed the sheets, and put a vase of Lavender on my bedside table. Flo used to do that when I came home from Hogwarts.

I walk into the sitting room and McGonagall is sitting in the armchair talking to Weasley. Fleur is feeding the baby and I look up at the clock and see that it's only midnight. Weasley looks up at me and his face pales.

"Merlin, Lavender, what the hell happened?" He asks, jumping up. McGonagall does too and moves towards me quickly.

"Come and sit down, are you feeling dizzy?" She asks before looking at Weasley and telling him to fetch Pomfrey.

I sit down next to Fleur and she looks at my arm and thigh.

"What happened?" She asks.

"I wanted to get the words off." I reply, staring at Dora. McGonagall explains what happened and then says that she didn't think the wounds were deep.

When Pomfrey arrives she guides me back into the bedroom and heals my wounds with dittany. She keeps talking to me but I don't follow her words and don't look at her face. She gives me a blood-replenishing potion and then leaves me with McGonagall and Weasley in the bedroom.

Someone is talking to me but I can't figure out who it is, it's like I'm lost in my own head. Weasley kneels down in front of me and I look at him.

"Lavender, please talk to us."

"I had a nightmare." He nods.

"What was it about?"

"The faces… Dawlish and… the charm was there but… it was different… I don't want to go… go through the photos, it's too hard…" McGonagall sits next to me.

"We know it's hard but… you need justice Lavender. You deserve justice." McGonagall nods in agreement with Weasley's words but I shake my head.

"What difference does it make?" I say, tears dropping onto my lap.

"What do you mean?" McGonagall asks.

"I'm never going to be free of them… we don't even know all the names…" McGonagall puts her arm around my shoulders and squeezes them lightly.

"You still deserve justice."

"I don't… I don't deserve anything… I was just their whore… I wasn't supposed to live through it." Weasley closes his eyes and rubs his head and McGonagall puts two fingers under my chin and turns my face to look at her. I close my eyes and she lets go but then whispers in my ear in a firm voice.

"You are not a whore. You deserve justice Lavender, you are stronger than them."

"They probably don't even remember me… they probably thought I was dead until I had Dora. I should have kept quiet, it would have been safer. I should have ran off." McGonagall and Weasley share a look and Weasley nods at his boss.

"You would have died, Lavender." McGonagall says softly.

"I know, I would have… killed myself… I should have…"

"No, I don't mean that. You would have died if we hadn't found you when you were having Dora. Poppy told us you had a serious infection and with your other injuries and exhaustion you wouldn't have lasted another week." I can't summon the energy to be surprised by this, I should have died. Dora would have been better off without me but now I'm not brave enough to leave her, it's so selfish but I love her too much.

"Do you want to… kill yourself, now?" Weasley asks carefully. I shake my head.

"I'm not brave enough." Weasley looks confused so I continue. "I love Dora too much, I can't leave her, I'm selfish. She'd be better off without me."

"She loves you and you're a great mother." Weasley says but I shake my head again.

"I don't even look after her all the time… I don't know what I'm doing…" I start sobbing and McGonagall hugs me and within a minute I'm crying on Weasley's shoulder although I'm not quite sure how it happened.

I'm not sure how long it takes for me to cry myself out but eventually McGonagall guides me back into the bed and then stay with me until I fall asleep.

I have two more nightmares and each time McGonagall is sat there and stays with me until I fall asleep again. When I have the third one I'm too shaken up to sleep again so McGonagall tells me to come into the sitting room.

I sit down on the sofa and look at the clock; it's only three and I've got my first class at eight, this is ridiculous. McGonagall passes Dora to me and I look into her blue eyes and they calm me. She seems to be smiling again and I kiss her on the nose, even though it's his nose I still love every inch of her; she's perfect.

I must fall asleep holding her because her cries wake me up and it's half four. I sit up and look at McGonagall.

"She's late for her feed but you were both sleeping so well I didn't want to disturb you." She passes me a bottle.

"Thanks." I start feeding up and she keeps her eyes open and looking up at me.

"I'm pulling you out of morning classes, you can work on your own and have extra tuition to catch up." I look up at McGonagall.

"I can stay with Dora?"

"For the mornings yes. In the afternoon you can go to your classes and at night you can see to her if you want but I'll have someone you can talk to on duty as well, you can decide."

"Thank you, I'd like that."

"You are calmer when you're with her, I hadn't realised." I nod and look back down at Dora. She does keep me calm, she reminds me that there is some good left in my world.

* * *

The morning passes quickly, I sleep on the sofa with Dora on and off until half ten and then I read a few of the letters, they are all similar. 'I have a daughter in Hogwarts, thanks for protecting her, you are an angel'. I stop reading after reading four because it makes me feel strange again. Neville comes in and sees me reading the last one.

"You're reading them then?" He asks, sitting down at the table with me.

"Yeah, they're all pretty much the same."

"Well, if you want I can ask the others to go through them and then we can just show you the ones that are different?" I look up at Neville, amazed by the offer.

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'll take them through now. Ron and Harry are trying to put off an essay anyway." I smile and he spends the next few minutes taking the bags through.

He then helps me with Herbology for an hour and then I have a sleep before lunch. I sleep with Dora on me again and she seems to be the only thing that keeps the nightmares away, well her and potions.

Weasley comes in at lunch time and conjures my tray. He wakes me up gently and I yawn and sit up.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you but Poppy will be after me if you don't eat, especially after last night."

"It's okay, how was your morning?" I ask, putting Dora on the sofa next to me.

"Good thanks, had to give my little sister a detention though."

"Really? Why?" I ask, smiling.

"Too bloody cheeky, I knew it was a bad decision when she decided to take my class." I laugh and Fleur walks in carrying a bowl of ice cream.

"What's with the ice cream?" Weasley asks, making to grab the spoon. She keeps it away from him and sits on the armchair.

"Eet is mine, I have a craving."

"You're going to eat the whole bowl?"

"Watch me." She replies. I can smell the ice cream from here but I'm not sure what flavour it is.

"What flavour is it?" I ask.

"Champagne, the house-elves made it for me, and before you say anything there is no alcohol left, I checked, it is just the flavour." She picks up the spoon and takes a large bite and then leans back as if she's in heaven.

"You'd think you were an alcoholic the way you go on about missing alcohol." Weasley says, sitting down opposite his wife.

"I am not an alcoholic, I am French." She says it as if this settles the matter.

We eat together and then I leave Dora with Fleur and her champagne ice cream and walk into the Common Room to find Hermione and we walk with the others to Herbology. When we arrive I sit at the back next to Hermione again and Harry and Ron sit on the next bench. The Hufflepuffs arrive and I see Neville blushing when Hannah Abbott sits next to him. I nudge Hermione and point it out to her and she smiles broadly. It's not the same reaction I would have got from Parvati but then I'm not the same girl that would have pointed it out to her. The war changed everything.

The Ravenclaws walk in and Dean sticks his foot out to try and trip Boot up but he notices and simply steps over Deans leg whilst throwing him a dirty look. Padma sits in front of Hermione and turns to look at me.

"I heard about what happened with Boot, I hexed him for you."

"Thanks Padma, you didn't have to do that though, Ron already knocked him out."

"I know but Pomfrey healed him, my hex will last much longer." She doesn't elaborate and turns back to the front of the class. Hermione raises her eyebrows at me; it sounds like Boot is on his own with his vendetta.

"Right, afternoon all! Today we'll be pruning Tentacula plants, wear your gloves and work in pairs. I'll put a spray bottle of the antidote on each bench so when you get bitten your partner can spray the bite immediately." Sprout charms the bottles so that they glide to each bench and then she taps the blackboard and the instructions appear on it.

She then walks to each bench and puts a biting plant there. Our table is the last to get one and Sprout lingers behind.

"How's Dora?" She asks, smiling.

"Oh, she's fine thank you." I reply; it feels strange to talk about her in class.

"I heard about the timetable change, I'll arrange your tuition at the end of the class." I nod and she moves to help Neville who is already spraying the antidote on Hannah's hand.

"You had a bad night last night then? Fleur told me that McGonagall's pulled you out of morning classes." Hermione, picks up her pruning scissors but looks at me and does not approach the plant.

"Yeah, I had a really bad nightmare, and then a couple of other ones. I think I scared them." I reply, holding the spray ready.

Hermione's eyes scan the board and then she successfully prunes her bottom leaf and swaps the scissors for the bottle. We take it in turns for the whole lesson, which seems to pass by very quickly, and by the end we are the only bench not to have used our spray. Harry and Ron had to ask for a second bottle.

"Excellent work girls, twenty points to Gryffindor!" Sprout shouts as she taps the board making the homework assignment appear. I scribble it down and then stay in my seat as the others file past me.

Sprout walks up the bench but I keep my eyes on the board.

"How are you fixed for Thursday mornings, ten o'clock, Miss Brown?"

"That's fine, thanks Professor." I say, scribbling the details down.

"Excellent, well I'll come to the Common Room and if when we need to do practical work we'll arrange it then, perhaps you could come Longbottom? To the practical sessions, get more experience?" She asks, turning to Neville. He looks embarrassed as he answers.

"Yes, if you think I need it…"

"Of course you don't need it, I'm planning to find you an excellent Herbology job somewhere and extra hours will look good on your application." Neville's face brightens instantly.

"Really? Thanks Professor Sprout, I'd love to!"

Neville and Hermione walk me back to the apartment and then both come in and I go to get Dora. Fleur is changing her on my bed and the smell is phenomenal.

"Oh Merlin, that's bad." I say, nearly stepping back out of the room. Fleur looks at me.

"I know, pass me my wand and I will cast a charm, before I throw up on er!" I grab her wand from the table and she removes the smell instantly. She finishes changing Dora and then passes her to me and we walk back into the sitting room.

Fleur greets Neville and Hermione and then conjures a tea tray for the four of us. Hermione asks to hold Dora so I pass her over.

"She's really smiling now!"

"I know, the books say it's wind but I like to think she's smiling." I reply and Neville laughs. It has been a good afternoon.

* * *

A/N So no more morning classes for Lavender but we still have the interviews, what do you think?

Next chapter; Lavender talks about how the deal was made and then says something she'll regret.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I'm still looking for a new beta, PM me if interested.

Emmeebee- Thanks!

witchprincess33- Thanks, I like to think that Ron is more emotionally invested in Lavender than he realises.

Allen Pitt- Yep, the next interview is going to be particularly tough.

LUG-14- Kingsley's reaction was bad but imagine if your best friend was accused of rape, it can't have been easy for him. We'll hear more about it soon and Kingsleys back in the next chapter.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Dean and I arrive at McGonagall's apartment with Neville, who gives me a hug and then walks back to the tower alone.

"You ready?" Dean asks, pausing before he knocks.

"I doubt I'll ever be ready, doesn't make a difference though." I reply, putting my hands in my pockets to disguise the shaking.

"I can tell them you're ill?" Dean suggests and I smile.

"Don't think it would work but thanks." He nods and then knocks the door.

Mr Weasley opens it and comes out into the corridor instead of inviting us in. I can hear McGonagall shouting at someone, presumably Shacklebolt, but I don't catch the words. Mr Weasley closes the door behind him.

"We'll just give them a minute. How are you? I heard you had a bad night."

"Yeah, what's going on?" I ask. Dean also looks curious. We both know McGonagall can shout with the best of them but I don't think either of us thought she would shout at the Minister for Magic, even if they were friends before his promotion.

"Just a little disagreement. How's Dora?"

"She's great thanks, colic seems to have cleared up."

"That's good, the potions are much better these days." There are a few moments of awkward silence and then the door behind Mr Weasley opens and McGonagall invites us in. As I walk past her I glance at her face and I can tell she's not happy. I've learnt recently that if McGonagall isn't happy then pretty soon I won't be either.

"Good evening Miss Brown, Mr Thomas." Shacklebolt says from his armchair. The photo of Carrow is on the table which is unnecessary; I know what he looks like. Dean replies to the Minister but I just sit down on the sofa and look at the photo.

"I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with the interviews, Miss Brown." I look at Shacklebolt but again don't reply; did he think I'd find them enjoyable, or cathartic?

McGonagall conjures a tea tray and Mr Weasley and Dean sort it all out. The tension in the room is palpable and it's horrible. I look at McGonagall's face and realise that I've never seen her this angry, not even with Umbridge, or my parents. Part of me wants to know what the argument is about but I decide to restrain myself until after the interview. I doubt she'll discuss it again with the Minister here, especially as it appears that he won.

"So, could you tell us about Carrow? Amycus first, we can do Alecto another day." McGonagall makes a sniff of disapproval next to me and Shacklebolt glares at her.

"They both tie in together… it's the start of…" I don't finish because I don't know what to call it, the story seems so innocent and this is anything but.

"Lavender, are you ready?" Mr Weasley asks kindly, evidently trying to dissolve the tension. I look at him and then at Dean, who also looks confused by the tension between Shacklebolt and McGonagall, and then nod.

"Right, okay. Umm… I don't know where to start." My hesitancy seems to dissolve some of McGonagall's anger and she looks at me.

"You said that Alecto held you back after Muggle Studies?"

"Yeah, she told me to stay behind. Parvati said she'd wait but Alecto told her to go. She shut the door and then walked over to me and told me to sit down. Her office door opened and Amycus came in, he smiled like… like he was excited. He walked over to me and… he stroked my face, I moved my head back but he punched me… really hard." I put my hand to my left cheek remembering how much the punch unsteadied me.

"I fell to the floor and then… one of them stunned me."

"Which one?" I look at Shacklebolt and shrug and McGonagall speaks before I can.

"It hardly matters."

"I can't remember anyway, I was on the floor."

"Okay, then what happened?"

"I woke up… Amycus revived me and… I was in the room…"

"The room you were held in?" I nod and Shacklebolt continues. "Did you know where you were?"

"Not then… I did later."

"How?"

"Can you stop interrupting me? This is hard enough." I snap and Shacklebolt looks surprised but then apologies and tells me to carry on. McGonagall looks oddly triumphant.

"He woke me up and… my wrists and ankles were chained. It was charmed so if I tried to get them off they would just get tighter and burn…" I rub my wrists and then look at them; the burn marks are still there but they just look like I've had a watch or bracelet on too tight.

"He was laughing at me and playing with my wand, throwing it up and catching it. I asked him what was going on and he said… he said I had to be patient." My hands are shaking so I sit on them, I don't talk for a few moments but no one else speaks so I carry on.

"After a while… maybe an hour. The door opened and Alecto walked in with Bellatrix Lestrange and… You-Know-Who. He… He smiled at me. Carrow stood up and went over to him and bowed and then stood up and they… they talked about me… like I wasn't there. He… You-Know-Who he asked Carrow if… if I was a virgin… he asked me but I didn't reply… I was so… so scared that I couldn't speak. Bellatrix laughed and then used the Cruciatus curse." I pull my hands back out from underneath me and take a big gulp of tea. It's too hot but I don't care. The others sip as well and then they all look at me again and I nod and look back at the fire, it's the best place to look, it's always changing.

"She… she stopped the curse and he asked me again but I still didn't reply… then he… You-Know-Who he… he pointed his wand at me and then he… he was in my head and…" I touch my head with my shaking hand but it's hard to explain exactly how it felt. "He was in my head and… he was looking through my memories… it was like he was replaying my life. I don't know how long he was… when it stopped I was sick… I felt horrible and I couldn't stop shaking. You-Know-Who congratulated the Carrows… he said they'd picked the perfect girl… I was a virgin and no one… no one would…" I stop and look at McGonagall and I can see the guilt in her eyes, she didn't miss me. I look back at the fire.

"No one would miss me." I say it quickly but it doesn't hurt any less. Dean takes a shaky breath but I don't look at him. "He… he said I might be useful as well… for information." I don't elaborate on that point but I suspect I will be questioned on it later. "Then he knelt down and told me that… that I was… I was beautiful… I heard the Carrows say that they knew he preferred blonds… Bellatrix said blonds were better… better whores." I stand up but I'm not sure why. I then sit down again but slide off the sofa so that I'm on the floor leaning back on the sofa, no one says anything.

"Carrow… Amycus came and sat in front of me and… he said he had a… a deal for me." That word makes me feel sick and I wrap my arms around by legs for something to cling on to. "He said I could be a whore or I could be dead… He said that if they didn't use me they'd go and find another girl. You-Know-Who said… he said he knew I would agree to it… he said all Gryffindor's were noble to the point of idiocy… Carrow said that if they used me they would… would leave the other girls alone… You-Know-Who said the staff as well and they all laughed… they said something about Trelawney but I couldn't hear it… then he said all I had to do was… anything they asked… anything they wanted…" I stop talking and my mind is racing, it's like a flash of everything they wanted and I can't seem to stop it. McGonagall moves off the sofa and sits on the floor as well and I nod and carry on.

"I… I said… I said they wouldn't get… wouldn't get away with it. They just laughed and then… You-Know-Who said who was going to stop them… he… he offered to go and get a teacher and they all laughed… then he used a spell that took all my clothes off…" I tug my jumper and pull my sleeves down so that they're over my hands.

"I tried to push him off me so he stood up and… he… he asked me which girl they should use instead… Bellatrix suggested…" I glance at Mr Weasley and his face is pale but he nods, knowing who I'm going to say. "Suggested Ginny so… so I said I'd do it… I'd make the deal… then he… he was my first and… when he was… inside me Bellatrix used the Cruciatus curse… it hurt… it hurt so much…" I'm shaking so much and I feel sick but I know I have to finish.

"When he'd… he'd finished he stood up and used a spell to turn me over… he carved into my back and… then he lay on top of me and whispered in my ear… he said I'd need a reminder of the deal I'd made… he got into my head again… used my memories to make the charm… Carrow added to it later but the… the ones that meant the most were from my head… my memories…he… I hadn't even realised that he was in me again… hadn't even noticed… then he stood up and flipped me over again… the faces were there… Carrow started to… rape me and I closed my eyes and You-Know-Who noticed and did some spell so I couldn't close my eyes when it was happening… he moved the faces so the ones that I cared about the most were the ones I couldn't look away from… they followed me…"

I close my eyes and when I open them again the faces are there. I jump up and try to run from them. I run behind the sofa and out of the apartment. I can hear someone shouting to me and I close my eyes in despair and my knees give way so I drop to the floor.

"Lavender? Lavender, it's okay, you're safe." It's McGonagall's voice and I feel her arms around me but I can't relax. I shut my eyes tighter and push my hands so hard into my eyes that it hurts.

"Lavender, it's okay. We won't let anyone hurt you." It's Dean and I think he's stroking my arm but I just push my hands further into my head.

"Arthur send a Patronus to Poppy."

I can still see the faces and I keep pushing against my eyes but it's not fading, it's like they're burnt into my mind.

"Professor, she's probably hurting her eyes."

"What? Oh… Lavender, move your hands away." I don't respond except to push harder and McGonagall's hand wrap around my wrists and she tries to pull them away but I don't let her. My breathing is laboured again and she must be worried because she stops trying to force me to let go and just pulls me into a hug again.

"Could we stun her?"

"Only if we really have to." Mr Weasley sounds close and I think he's knelt down next to me. "It's alright Lavender, you're doing really well."

I can hear footsteps and it sounds like more than one set, perhaps three.

"What happened?" It's Weasley.

"Some kind of flashback."

"For Merlin's sake Kingsley, look at her! Just let her give you the memories!" He sounds angry but Shacklebolt's reply is too low for me to hear over my panicked breathing.

"Lavender, can you hear me?" I nod at Pomfrey's words and McGonagall starts to pull away from but I make a small sound of panic so she holds me again.

"Lavender, what's happening?"

"The… the faces… I can see them… they won't go away…" I push harder against my eyeballs again even though it hurts.

"Open your eyes, Lavender. The faces are not here." Fleur is close to me as well. I shake my head.

"Was she talking about the faces?" Pomfrey asks and I can feel McGonagall nod.

"Lavender, I think your mind is playing tricks on you. You need to move your hands away from your eyes now."

"I… I can't… I can still see them… please, I don't want to… do it anymore…"

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to Lavender." But McGonagall's lying because I don't want to talk about it anymore but they're going to make me.

"Lavender, open your eyes. You'll see that the faces are gone, I'm right in front of you." Fleur sounds so sure and I can feel how close she is. I relieve some of the pressure on my eyes and lower my left hand slowly.

It takes a couple of seconds for my abused eye to open properly but when it does it is not Fleur I see in front of me, it is Ginny and Parvati and McGonagall.

"You see, it's just me." Ginny says but it does not sound like her.

"Ginny?" I ask. "I… I tried so… so hard to do what they wanted… they said they would… would leave you alone… you have to run, Ginny! I'm so sorry!"

"No, Lavender it's not Ginny, it's Fleur." I can hear Mr Weasley's voice but he speaks from Parvati and I sob and close my eye and hit myself with the left heel of my hand as hard as I can. Someone's holding onto me but I'm not sure who it is. I feel them pull away and with my eyes closed I try and hit my eye again but someone grabs my wrists and I panic.

"NO! I… I can't… Ginny's here… take Ginny! Take Ginny! I don't care anymore! I'll break the deal, I'LL BREAK THE DEAL!"

As my mouth is still open with my screams I feel a hand grab it and a potion it poured down my throat. I plan to spit it out but the hand covers my mouth and nose and then another, softer hand rubs my throat until I have no choice but to swallow the almond tasting liquid. The hands leave as soon as the potion is gone.

"Make sure she doesn't hit her head, Dean."

"Lavender, don't fight us. We're trying to help you."

"Take… Ginny…" The potion is making my limbs weak but I still try to thrash out and I keep my eyes closed.

"You're safe, Lavender, you're safe." I can't move my arms anymore and I feel myself being lifted up and carried.

"Is she still awake?"

"I think so, her eyes are too tight." I feel a hand stroke my head and after the third stroke I give in.

* * *

The first thing I am aware of is the crackle of a fire, it's close because I can feel the heat from it. The second thing I'm aware is the fact that my eyes hurt, like someone's punched me. Then I hear voices.

"… too much for her." It sounds like Pomfrey and she's behind me. I can't be in the hospital wing though because there's no fire in there and it feels like I'm on a sofa.

"Look, I'm trying to compromise with you, she doesn't have to come to the court cases to give evidence."

"Like you could guarantee her safety if she wanted to. That's as much your stipulation as hers. She can't do this every night Kingsley, it's only been three nights and she can't take it, it's destroying her!" That sounds like Weasley.

I remember what happened with the faces now and I feel shame creeping over me like water in a shower. I thought it wasn't possible to become more disgusted with myself that I already was but it turns out I've reached a new low.

I open my eyes and to my enormous relief the faces are not there, just the fire and the coffee table. I'm on the sofa in McGonagall's apartment, the clock above the fireplace tells me it's nearly midnight.

I sit up slowly and bend my knees so I can hug my legs.

"Lavender, you're awake!" I don't turn to look at Fleur, I just stare at my knees.

"How are you feeling?" Pomfrey, Fleur and McGonagall all come around the sofa and I can feel them looking down at me but I still don't look up.

"Lavender?" Fleur kneels down at the side of me and rubs my back gently, it only takes a couple of seconds before the sobs come. I cry so hard that my bruised eyes are screaming at me.

Fleur perches of the edge of the sofa in front of me and rubs my shoulder, I think she's whispering kind words to me but I don't hear them.

I hear the door open and close but I don't care if someone arrived or someone left. It must be the former because Fleur stands up and Hermione takes her place.

"Lavender?" She shuffles closer to me and puts her arms around me and I let my knees drop and cling on to her like she is my lifeline. I'm not sure how long it takes for me to cry myself out but when the tears eventually dry up my eyes are so swollen I can barely see out of them. Hermione pulls back and moves away and Pomfrey sits down and rubs my arm.

"I can imagine that your eyes are hurting." I nod and she points her wand at my left eye and then my right and the swelling goes down fractionally and the pain is lessened considerable.

"They'll be swollen and bruised for a few days but I'd rather not remove the bruises, I'll need to check on they're progress. Are you hurting anywhere else?" I shake my head and she stands up.

"Let's get you back to the apartment, Lavender. Dora will be missing you." Hermione holds out her hand and I use it to pull myself off the sofa. I'm a bit unsteady on my feet and McGonagall holds out her arm.

"Lean on me, the potion was strong." I take her arm.

"Who's got Dora?"

"Neville and Harry. I would say Ron but he's probably fallen asleep by now." Hermione looks at the clock and I do too, it's half one.

"I'm sorry, you've got classes tomorrow."

"Don't worry, they have Transfiguration, I shall give them worksheets and let them sleep." McGonagall says, as Fleur opens the door in front of us.

"I could never sleep in Transfiguration!" Hermione says, looking insulted at the very thought of it. Weasley laughs and he follows his father out of the apartment.

"I better be off, see you soon." Mr Weasley gives his son a hug and then walks in the opposite direction.

"When did the Minister go?" I ask. I see McGonagall and Weasley exchange a look.

"When you were crying, he was never very good with emotions." Weasley looks surprised at McGonagall's words but does not comment.

Pomfrey leaves as we pass the hospital wing and tells Weasley to let her know if there are any problems. We walk the remaining distance in silence and as Weasley opens the door I can hear Dora crying.

"…changing?"

"No, she's dry! Oh, here they are." Harry says, sounding relieved. He's holding a screaming Dora and is looking very guilty, as if he's worried I'd shout at him for making her cry.

"And she was having such a good day earlier." Hermione says, taking the baby from Harry.

"Like mother, like daughter." I mutter quietly, Weasley smiles slightly and I know he heard.

I sit down on the sofa and then Hermione passes Dora over and then leaves with Harry and Neville. Dora settles quickly and then dozes in my arms. McGonagall, Weasley and Fleur all sit down.

There's silence for a few minutes and I wonder who is going to be the one to break it. It's McGonagall.

"Lavender, you should go to bed. Fleur is watching Dora to…"

"No, I'm staying up." I reply, not looking up from Dora's sleeping face.

"You should sleep." Weasley says, standing up. I just shake my head, he kisses Fleur and then goes into their bedroom and shuts the door.

"Minerva, you can go if you would like, I will stay with them." McGonagall doesn't reply and I can feel her eyes on me but I don't want to look up.

"I'm sorry." I say, quietly.

"What on earth do you have to be sorry about?" McGonagall asks. Fleur moves and sits next to me at the other end of the sofa. I don't reply because I don't want to repeat what I said, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

"You should go to bed." I say, trying to focus on the situation at hand.

"I am on duty tonight, for nightmares."

"Would you like some tea then?" Fleur asks, standing up and sounding glad that she can do something productive.

I stand up and put Dora in the crib, a large part of me wants her to wake up and start crying, I need her to need me tonight. She doesn't even stir when I place her down. I pull the blanket up and look at her face for a moment more and then turn away and wonder what to do.

"You can talk to us, Lavender." McGonagall says. I try to look at her but I end up looking over the top of her head.

"I'm done with talking, I'm going to have a shower." I don't wait for a reply or for her to refuse me, I just walk into my bedroom and through to the bathroom. I hold on to the sink and look at my reflection; I'm going to have two black eyes in the morning.

I turn the shower on but don't get in, I just sit on the toilet and think. I think about how angry I am with myself, how disappointed and disgusted I am. Mr Weasley and Bill must hate me, Dean must have heard it too. I know McGonagall heard, she was too close not to and I think I was screaming.

I don't know how long I sit there, staring at the floor, but then a knock on the door causes me to look up. I don't move to open it but Fleur pokes her head around the door, she looks surprised to see me fully dressed and without wet hair despite the fact that the shower is still running.

"Oh, you have not showered yet? We were getting worried, it has been an hour." She comes in and shuts the door behind her and then leans on the sink and looks down at me.

"Bill forgot to ask you earlier but, do you want to come to ze Burrow this weekend? Molly has invited you to stay." I look at her for a moment and then break into sobs. I can't go to the Burrow, I can't face any of the Weasleys again, they will know what I said.

"Lavender, what is it?" Fleur kneels down in front of me and puts her delicate hands on my knees. "Have I upset you? I am sorry, I was trying to… take your mind of things."

"I… I can't go to the Burrow… I can't!"

"Why not? You are most welcome!" I shake my head and then stand up and move past her into my bedroom, she turns off the shower and then follows me.

I wipe away some of my tears and then walk into the sitting room where, to my enormous relief, Dora is crying and McGonagall looks like she is just about to stand up to go to her. I get to the crib first and pick her up.

"Lavender?" McGonagall asks, arriving at the crib and putting her hand on my back gently. I just shake my head and move back to the sofa. There is a bottle on the table so I pick it up and start to feed Dora.

McGonagall and Fleur look bewildered for a moment and then sit down silently. An alarm goes off, almost like a Floo alarm and McGonagall stands up, seems to listen for a moment and then disappears through the door to the Common Room.

"Someone must be having a nightmare." Fleur says, looking at the door.

"Is it mainly Gryffindors?" I ask, latching onto the subject as it is offered.

"And Slytherins. A few Hufflepuffs as well and only a couple of Ravenclaws, the muggleborns.

"Slytherins have nightmares?"

"Many of the families did not make it through unscathed and those that did… many are not what they once were." I nod in understanding, a loss of power and influence, like the Malfoys.

The door opens again and McGonagall walks through.

"Who was it?" Fleur asks.

"Dean, he's alright now." I feel instantly guilty; I may have given him new nightmares. The guilt must show on my face because McGonagall moves and sits next to me.

"It's not your fault, he wants to be there for you." I nod but don't reply. "Did you have a shower?" I shake my head, McGonagall looks at Fleur and then they both disappear into the kitchen for a moment, clearly to discuss me but I'd rather they didn't do it in front of me.

I doze off whilst feeding Dora and I'm in that strange transition between asleep and awake. I feel someone take the bottle out of my hand and then a moment later Dora is also lifted out of my arms and a blanket is draped over me. I don't stir but I am still aware.

"I cannot understand why she does not want to come to ze Burrow, it makes no sense. Do you understand?"

"I have a theory. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow."

"Is Kingsley coming back tomorrow night?"

"I suspect so… she can't keep putting herself through this every night. If it wasn't for this little one I know she would have killed herself or ran off by now."

"Bill agrees, he is worried about her moving back to ze Common Room. Perhaps it ez too soon?"

"I don't know…" McGonagall's voice fades and it's replaced by the voice of Carrow so smoothly it's like McGonagall became him. Or he replaced her.

"Who shall we use instead? How about a little firstie?" He is mocking me and he looks like he's laughing, Bellatrix is cackling in the background.

"No, the little whore will do it, won't you?" Bellatrix kneels down next to me and forces my mouth open and holds it as I am violated. I gag and then convulse and it wakes me up.

I've slid off the sofa onto the floor, I throw up all over myself before I even know what's happened. I'm shaking again and there is a strange sound coming from my mouth, halfway between a sob and a gag but I can't seem to stop it.

Dora is crying but I can't bring myself to look for her. I throw up again and some of it lands on the coffee table in front of me. McGonagall and Fleur are both trying to talk to me and help me but I can't figure out what they're saying. I stand up and run into my bathroom, the blanket is still tangled up in my feet but I don't bother to remove it.

I lean over the toilet there isn't much left in my stomach but I continue to gag anyway but I have to get the memory out.

"Lavender, this is an anti-sick…" A potion enters my field of vision but I shake my head and don't take it because I have to be sick, I have to rid myself of the memory and throwing up is the only way I know how.

"Lavender take it!"

"Water… I want… Water…"

A glass of water replaces the potion and I take it with a shaking hand and take half of the contents into my mouth and the spit it out, into the toilet. I repeat the process but it still not enough.

"More… please!"

McGonagall passes me glass after glass but it never seems to be enough.

"Lavender, you have to stop now."

"NO!" Another glass is there and I don't notice until it's in my mouth that it is not water. As happened earlier my companion's team up to force the potion down my throat and they release me as soon as I have swallowed. The memory of the dream is too recent and the thought of swallowing forces me to try and throw up but I can't.

"It was just an anti-sickness potion."

"No… I have to be sick… I have to be sick!"

"No you don't. Lavender, listen to me." Fleur moves around so she is between the shower and the toilet and she puts her hands on my face and forces me to look at her. "It was a nightmare, it was not real."

"It was! It was real!" I can't believe she even said that too me, I pull my face out of her hands and I can see she's sorry.

"I did not mean that, I meant it was not real, now." I stand up and move over to the sink, I grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and start brushing.

McGonagall and Fleur don't stand for a moment but then they do and I can see their pale faces in the mirror, it's not as pale as mine which is practically translucent but they both look worried.

I brush and spit, I brush and spit, I brush and spit. I just keep going, after a few minutes the toothpaste is gone to I put some more on the brush. I brush and spit, I brush and spit, I brush and spit.

"Lavender, that's enough now." McGonagall puts her hand on the top of my back but I just ignore her. Dora's cries filter through from the living room and Fleur leaves to see to her.

"Stop it, your gums are bleeding." I go to put a third bit of toothpaste on my brush but McGonagall is faster than me and vanishes both the toothpaste and the brush. My hands are shaking, still in the action of putting paste on the brush. I stare at my hands and have no idea what to do now, how can I get clean now?

I sheer desperation I pick up the bar of soap from the edge of the sink and put it in my mouth, rubbing it on my tongue.

"Lavender, no!" The taste is horrible but I keep forcing the soap in my mouth. The potion won't let me feel sick but I have no doubt that if it wasn't there I would be heaving.

McGonagall grabs my wrist and with surprising strength forces me to stop the soap. I look at her in the mirror.

"How… how can I get it clean?" I ask but then I spot the mouthwash in the mirror and grab it. McGonagall tries to get it off me but this time I am quicker and I drink the entire bottle in one go.

"Lavender! You have to stop now!" I force myself to swallow the last bit of liquid and then gasp because it feels like it is burning my throat. Burning is good, it means new skin will grow doesn't it? I take a few deep steadying breaths and with each one the burning seems to get stronger, it brings tears to my eyes, tears of pain and relief in equal measure.

McGonagall conjures a glass of water and I try to take it from her but she keeps hold of it so I look at her.

"Sip it slowly." I nod and she releases the glass.

I try to follow her instructions but after the fifth sip I down the rest of the glass. She closes her eyes for a moment as if praying for patience and I feel the need to apologise.

"I'm… I'm sorry." I say, my voice is scratchy and it hurts to talk.

"Are you finished now?"

"I… I think so…" I look at myself in the mirror and then put my hand up to my mouth to try and contain my emotions. McGonagall puts her arm around my shoulders and leads me from the bathroom.

I sit down on the bed and I close my eyes for a moment.

"You need to sleep."

"I can't… I can't go back there."

"Tomorrow night you can have a potion." I nod, tomorrow I will sleep.

* * *

A/N So that was the most graphic of the interviews and you found out how the deal was made, what did you think?

Next chapter; Lavender learns about bravery, and moves back with the other students.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I'm still looking for a new beta!

witchprincess33- She's going to have good and bad days for a while!

Allen Pitt- Not all the men who abused her got the Dark Mark, it was more simple e.g. you give us this piece of information and you can get the girl, sort of thing.

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks!

LUG-14- Yep Kingsley is finding all this emotion a bit tricky!


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

It's nearly ten o'clock in the morning and I'm feeding Dora. I feel like absolute crap and I must look like it too because Neville looks horrified when he comes for Herbology. McGonagall and Fleur stayed with me all night but they have both left now. Weasley has sat with me but we haven't said anything.

"Merlin Lavender, what the…?"

"She's had a difficult night, Neville." Weasley says, standing up. There is a knock on the door and he goes to answer it. Neville sits down next to me.

"Do you want me to feed her?" I want to say no, I want to hold her and feed her and be everything that she needs but I hand her over to Neville straight away.

I turn back and look at the fire.

"Miss Brown, I think we'll start next week, okay dear?" I nod at Sprout's words but don't look at her. I hear her leave and then Weasley stands in front of the fire so I look at him.

"Right, I've got a class until lunch. Neville can you stay with her until eleven?"

"Of course, who's coming then?"

"Hermione. I'll be back at lunch. Send a house-elf if you need anything." Neville agrees and I just stare. Weasley waits for another minute, perhaps to see if I will say anything, and then leaves.

Neville feeds Dora and I stare at the fire. He keeps trying to draw me into conversation but I just stare.

He must have finished feeding her because now he's knelt down in front of me, looking at me with kind and worried blue eyes. I try to follow what he's saying.

"What can I do, Lavender? What can I do?" I shake my head because I have no idea. He stays there for several minutes before he speaks again. His voice has a desperate quality to it that I've never heard before.

"Can I hug you?" I nod and he moves to sit next to me and then puts his arms around me. It only takes a moment for the tears to come and when they do they hurt my eyes and my throat also hurts from the strange noises that accompany the tears. Neville doesn't let go, doesn't try to quieten me, he just holds me and lets me cry on him.

By the time Hermione comes to relieve him I'm still crying but I have my head in his lap, facing the fire, and he's stroking my arm. Hermione doesn't say anything and nor does Neville. They just switch places and to me it seems seamless. From one friend to another.

Neville leaves and Hermione stays. She also doesn't say anything and I'm grateful for that. I don't need empty reassurances or a pep talk, I just need to cry.

The tears continue to flow but my energy is waning so the sobs give way to occasional bouts of noise and then an eerie calm.

I hear the door to the apartment open and then Dora starts crying, she has been silent for this whole time so she probably needs changing.

"I will get her." It's Fleur, I hear her move behind the sofa and I'm glad I don't have to move. Weasley enters my vision and he sits on the armchair. The apartment door opens again and Weasley looks to see who it is. He stands to go and greet the visitor but I do not look to see who it is.

McGonagall walks in and sits on the coffee table and leans down to me. I look at her and build up the courage to say what I need to.

"I… I can't do it anymore… I'm sorry." Again I feel like a coward although that took a great amount of courage to admit, to admit that I am not brave enough to carry on with the interviews.

"Lavender, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?" She takes one of my hands and holds it in between her hands and I nod.

"I've spoken to Kingsley already. I've told him that you're not doing the interviews anymore, you're not ready and it's too much for you at the moment. You can't put yourself through it every night, it's cruel."

"Will… will they let them go?" I ask, is that the choice I have to make? To talk about it or to always know that they are free.

"No, Kingsley is going to speak to the Wizemgamot and see if they will accept your memories as testimonies. It has never been done before but he is going to try. If they say no we will think of something else but I promise you, the interviews are over."

"When… when will we know?"

"He'll let me know on Monday." I nod but then I realise that I need clarification.

"Are… are you going to make me talk… talk about it?"

"I'm not going to _make_ you do anything. I think that you should talk about it but when you are ready, in your own time."

"You… you promise?" It feels too childish to ask but I need to be sure.

"I promise, Lavender, I promise." The relief sweeps through me and for a moment I don't know what to do but then the tiredness hits me like a train.

"I'm tired, Professor."

"I know, go to sleep. We'll levitate you to bed and someone will stay with you."

"Will you wake… wake me… if I go back there?" McGonagall nods and Weasley, who is sitting in the armchair again answers for her.

"We'll wake you up, sleep Lavender, you've been brave." I look at him and then back at McGonagall.

"Have I been brave, Professor? Have I?" I ask her, my throat feeling like I've swallowed sand.

"You have Lavender, anyone can be brave for five minutes or an hour or two. The bravery no one talks about is the hardest bravery of all. When you get up in the morning even though you'd rather be dead, that's brave Lavender, that's brave."

"Then I think I was brave."

"You are brave, even though you have Dora to get up for now." Weasley says gently and I nod at him, knowing what he was reminding me of, and then I close my eyes.

* * *

It's Friday evening now and I feel like it's been the longest week of my life. I'm planning on moving back into my room tomorrow but I suspect Weasley and Fleur will try to talk me out of it. I slept with a potion last night and it was heaven. I didn't go to class this afternoon, Weasley gave me the work to do and I started it this morning. I actually quite like Ancient Runes, there something relaxing about following the runes and translating them.

I'm sat on my bed with Dora lying next to me, she's looking up at the canvas of the bed and looks to be concentrating. I put my finger on her hand and she grasps it tightly. I smile and turn back to the book that I'm trying to read. It's my Care of Magical Creatures textbook but I'm not really studying it, I'm just skimming through it.

There is a knock on the door.

"Come in." My voice is still hoarse. It's Weasley.

"We're going to dinner, yours is on the table."

"Okay, thanks." I look back at the book but then realise that he has not left so I look back up at him.

"Lavender, why don't you want to come to the Burrow?" I stiffen and look down.

"I can't."

"Why? I thought you enjoyed it last week."

"I did."

"Then what's changed?" I look at him, does he really not remember what I said? I'm so ashamed that I haven't even been into the Common Room since I said it in case I run into her. "Lavender, what's changed?"

I just shake my head, he stays for a moment and then sighs and leaves. I stay in my room until I have finished the chapter on Dragons and then pick Dora up and carry her into the living room. I place her on the sofa next to me and pick at my dinner with little interest.

The apartment door opens and McGonagall walks in.

"Hello, Professor."

"Good evening, Lavender." She sits on the armchair and looks at me with narrowed eyes, it makes me feel uncomfortable so I turn to Dora as I speak.

"What can I do for you?"

"You can tell me why you don't want to go to the Burrow."

"You know why." I know that she knows.

"I have a theory."

"I suspect it's correct."

"Lavender, you were having a panic attack, you weren't thinking clearly."

"It doesn't matter, I said it."

"No one holds it against you, Bill didn't even consider it being the reason you did not want to go. He had forgotten about it and I'm sure Arthur has too."

I don't reply. I take another bite of my dinner but more as something to do than because I actually want to eat it. McGonagall doesn't say anything else she just sits there, waiting.

"I was there for nearly seven months and not once during that time did I ever even consider letting them hurt anyone else… not once." I put down my fork and look at McGonagall.

"It was a panic attack. Ginny is not hurt, she does not even know that you said it."

"I didn't think I could be more disgusted with myself than I already was but… I've surprised myself."

"So you are not going to the Burrow because you are ashamed of what you said in the middle of a flashback?" I nod. "You are still letting them control your life, Lavender Brown."

"They will always control my life, they own me."

"No one owns you. You control your own life." I give a hollow laugh.

"Yeah, like I'm in control of anything." Dora starts crying and I'm thankful for it, I look at the clock and then summon a bottle and start to feed her.

McGonagall stays for another few minutes and then leaves without saying anything, I feel myself relax as soon as she closes the door. These are the times I like best; when it's just me and Dora.

Of course these times can't last forever and I know Weasley and Fleur will return soon and that they will try and convince me to go to the Burrow tomorrow. I finish feeding Dora and then carry her into my room and put her in the cot.

I then pull out my Care of Magical Creatures notes and spread them out on my bed. I plan on making it look like I'm working on my Dragon essay, I might even write a couple of paragraphs to make it convincing.

I've written six paragraphs on the Ukrainian Ironbelly when I hear them return. I can tell McGonagall is with them so I cast the charms on Dora's cot and then walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower.

This time I actually do get into the shower and not just sit on the toilet. I look down at my pale body and it's like it doesn't belong to me. I've now got scratch marks on my arm and leg from where I clawed at the words and I can still see the words underneath. My stomach is deflated slightly but no enough that people wouldn't think I had been pregnant. I feel around to my back and run my fingers over the scars there. Why did they feel the need to mark how many times they violated me? Was it a competition, or was I the prize?

I scrub my body with the strawberry soap that I can still taste on my tongue, psychological of course, and then wash my hair three times. It has become a daily ritual to wash my hair three times but I have no idea why, it never feels clean. None of me feels clean.

After I've spent too long in the shower not to arouse suspicion I turn the water off and step back into the bathroom. I wrap the Gryffindor towel around myself and sit on the toilet to dry my hair with my wand. I used to take great pride in my hair, all the girls were jealous of it and all the boys used to notice it. I wonder if it was what caught Carrow's attention. I have a sudden urge to cut it all off but I supress it. Perhaps I could dye it?

When I am dry I keep the towel around me and walk into the bedroom and pull on a pair of pyjamas. I then flick through the catalogue on the chest of drawers and find the page on hair dye. I pick a dark, chestnut brown that is like millions of other women's, nothing special. I point my wand at it and the catalogue tells me it will arrive in the morning.

I look at Dora in the crib and she is sleeping soundly, if only I could mimic her. There will be no potion tonight. I hope that I will sleep better now that I don't have to do the interviews anymore, I pray that that is the case.

Climbing back onto my bed I pick up one of the Dragon books and start adding to my essay. Predictably it is not even five minutes later when there is a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I say, without looking up. I suspect it will be either Fleur or Weasley. The door opens and I glance up before looking up again. It is neither Fleur nor Weasley. It is Mr Weasley.

"Hello Lavender. How are you?" He asks, stepping into the room and shutting the door behind him.

"Mr Weasley! What are you doing here?" My voice is slightly higher with surprise but it is still lower than my usual pitch, remnants of the mouthwash assault.

"I heard that you weren't going to come tomorrow."

"No, I'm not." I look back at my work.

"I don't hold what you said against you, I wouldn't dream of it."

"Well you should."

"Lavender, you are being too hard on yourself, you were having a flashback."

"It makes no difference…I still said it."

"Please come, Molly would love to see you and Dora."

"Did… Did you tell her what I said?"

"No, it didn't even occur to me."

"Maybe you should… she wouldn't want me to…"

"Don't presume that you know how Molly would respond. She has a heart of gold and she would mother the whole world if she could. It's one of the reasons I love her."

I don't reply but I do look up at him.

"Will anything I say change your mind?"

"No."

"Then you will be missed. Maybe you could come another time, when you realise that we would never hold it against you. You saved Ginny last year, you know that." I look down and then he leaves and shuts the door behind him.

I work for another half an hour and then climb into bed without saying goodnight to anyone. I know Neville is on Dora-duty tonight but I suspect he will sleep in the living room until I need him.

I close my eyes and try to drift off but my mind is too busy. I sit up and finish the Dragon essay and then my Ancient Runes translation.

I'm just debating whether to start my Transfiguration or Herbology when Dora starts crying. I stand up and walk over to her. Her face is red but there are no tears, just distress. I pick her up and feel her nappy. It needs changing to I pull out the changing mat and lay it on the floor. I change her quickly and she seems happier. I look at my watch and see that it's already twelve so I feed her before putting her down again.

I then climb back into bed and half-heartedly try to fall asleep but then give up and start my Transfiguration. I work on it until four when Dora needs feeding again and then step into the shower and turn it on.

I have a long shower, and then a bath and when I returned to the bedroom it's nearly eight. Dora has slept soundly the entire time, she really seems to be settling into a routine and I'm thankful for it. I open my wardrobe and pick a pair of jeans and a yellow jumper to wear and then pull all the other clothes out and start to pack my trunk.

I could of course use magic but I've got time to kill and as much as I like Neville I really don't feel like talking to him this morning. When I've finished packing Dora wakes and starts crying so I lift her out of the cot and listen at the doorway. Fleur and Weasley are up and they are talking to Neville. I grab a bottle of formula and walk into the sitting room, they all turn to greet me.

"Morning." I say, sitting down next to Neville and putting the bottle in Dora's open mouth.

"Did you have a good night, Lavender? Neville said he did not have to help you." Fleur looks so hopeful that I know I can't crush the hope.

"Yeah, I was fine." I reply, not looking at her.

"No nightmares, that's great Lavender!" Says Neville happily. I look up and see Weasley looking at me shrewdly, he's clearly learnt a lot from McGonagall, or his mother.

"No nightmares Lavender? Not at all?" He asks.

"Nope." I reply, honestly. Fleur and Neville smile but Weasley doesn't.

"You didn't sleep, did you?" I look back at Dora and don't reply.

"Lavender, why didn't you come out? I would have…" Neville looks upset.

"I just did work Neville, I finished my Dragon essay, my Transfiguration worksheets and my runes translation. I left Herbology for later though." He looks slightly happier when he realises that I didn't start Herbology without him.

"You can't keep doing this." Says Weasley sternly, I look at him.

"What? My work?"

"You know what I mean, you can't only sleep when you have a potion. It's not healthy, you're going to make yourself ill."

"Look, I'm doing my best, okay?" I say, with a snappy edge to it.

"We know the nightmares are bad…" Begins Fleur but my temper snaps.

"You don't know anything about them!"

"No, we don't. But we do know they won't go away quickly, especially if you refuse to sleep without a potion." I look up at Weasley and then back at Dora. They know nothing about the nightmares, nothing.

"What time are you going?" I ask.

"Eleven, are you sure…?"

"I'm not going. I'm moving my stuff back to my room, I've already packed."

"You don't have to move yet, if you don't feel ready." Suggest Fleur delicately.

"I have to go, it's never going to get back to…" I was going to say normal but now I realise that nothing is normal anymore, and I doubt it ever will be again. "I want to move back." I finish, looking at Fleur, she nods but still looks uneasy.

"Well, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny are coming with us, we're stopping tonight and we'll be back tomorrow night. Professor McGonagall will help you tonight, and Neville and Dean will be around." I nod, it feels strange that Hermione will be gone, I'm not sure I like it.

"Do you want to do anything today?" Neville asks with a forced smile.

"I'd quite like to go down to the kitchens, to see the elves." Neville nods.

"Great idea, I'm going to have a nap for a bit now, we'll go after lunch. Just knock if you need anything." I thank him and he leaves.

"Mom wanted me to invite you for Christmas, hopefully you'll have seen sense about the Burrow by then." Weasley stands up and walks back into his bedroom. I watch him retreat and then turn to Fleur.

"He's angry with me."

"He's not angry, Lavender. He's just frustrated, he doesn't know how to help you."

"I think I'm beyond help."

"No one is beyond help Lavender. I hope that you will come to us if you need anything, when you are back in your room. We'll leave the door there, come anytime. Even if you just need some time away from the others."

"Thanks Fleur." I say, with a crack in my voice.

"Anyway, here is your breakfast, Poppy has sent this potion, for your throat. Is it feeling better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Lavender, why did you swallow ze mouthwash?" I look at her and bite my lip, will she be disgusted with me? "Please tell me." I nod and then open my mouth to reply.

"In…in the nightmare. Bellatrix held my mouth open while they…" I don't finish but the paling of Fleur's face tells me she understands.

"I see, I'm sorry Lavender. We did not understand your reaction. Eat your breakfast, I will finish feeding Dora." I nod and hand her over.

I eat half of my breakfast in silence and then push the tray away and lean back on the sofa. I'm so tired now, I seem to be fine with the lack of sleep and then the tiredness hits me suddenly.

"You cannot eat more?" Fleur asks.

"No, I'm full. Will I have to eat in the hall now?" I ask, the thought of eating with the entire school is frightening.

"Not if you don't want to. We zall arrange it with ze elves. Speak to Professor McGonagall this evening about it."

"Okay."

"You are worried, about ze other students?" I nod but don't elaborate. "You know you have done nothing wrong, Lavender. Most of them see you as a hero. Only a handful of students have relatives who were implicated."

"It's not them I'm worried about it's… I don't want to be seen as a hero, it's not true. It doesn't feel right."

"Perhaps you should talk to Harry, he has had ze same feelings for years now." It seems strange to me that Harry Potter doesn't consider himself to be a hero, maybe I will speak to him at some point.

Dora finishes the bottle and Fleur passes her back to me and then goes into the bedroom. I play with Dora for a few minutes and the Weasley walks out and I look up at him.

"Right, I'll move your stuff. You've packed?"

"Yeah, it's all in my trunk. Thanks Professor." He moves Dora's cot first and then returns and carries my trunk and school bag through. I follow him and Dean smiles at me as I enter the Common Room.

"Moving back then?"

"Yep."

"Great, I'm popping into Hogsmeade this morning, do you need anything?"

"No, thanks though." He nods and then disappears. Seamus is sat of the sofa but I don't speak to him, I just carry Dora into my room. Weasley is just finishing constructing the cot so I put Dora straight into it.

"I'm sorry, Professor." I say, looking at him.

"What for?"

"I can't imagine it's been an easy transition into the job." He snorts.

"It's not your fault Lavender, anyway it's taught me a lot. You will come to me if you need to talk or anything, won't you?"

"I will, thanks for helping me."

"It's my job, if you need us tonight or tomorrow just let Professor McGonagall know."

"Okay, have a nice time. Say sorry to Mrs Weasley for me."

"Not a chance." He says, his voice suddenly sterner. "Listen Lavender, you were in the middle of a flashback, nothing happened to Ginny, she doesn't even know you said it."

"I still said it though…I'm so sorry."

"Don't think on it, not even for a moment."

"I…I can't help it... I'm so ashamed. All those months and I didn't say no once and then one flashback and…" Weasley grabs me by the shoulders and leans down slightly to look at me.

"You have to let this go, Lavender, this kind of guilt can eat away at you. Try and let it go, please." I nod but I know I won't. Weasley lets go of me and then leaves.

I unpack my trunk and then cast charms on Dora's cot and return to the Common room with some of the baby catalogues. Seamus is still sat on the sofa alone, reading a book. I sit at the table and neither of us say a word. Not one word.

At twelve Dean arrives back and passes me a parcel.

"An owl brought it for you."

"Oh, thanks Dean." I go back into my bedroom and feed Dora whilst reading the instructions for the dye. It seems fairly straight forward.

An hour later my hair is dark brown, it makes me look completely different. The colour brings out of the blue of my eyes, but also emphasises my paleness. At least I look different, if I could only feel different too.

When I leave my room for lunch I can hear McGonagall and Neville talking, I linger out of sight to listen to them.

"…didn't sleep all night, Professor."

"Yes, Bill told me."

"She wants to go to the kitchens this afternoon, to see the house-elves." Before McGonagall can reply I move into the open and walk over to them. McGonagall does a double-take when she looks at me, Neville also looks shocked.

"You…changed your hair." He says, pointing at my head. I sit down in one of the armchairs and nod.

"I know."

"Why? I thought you liked your blonde hair?" Neville asks, clearly confused.

"I did, things change though." I look at McGonagall and I can tell she is remembering what I told her Bellatrix said.

"Well it certainly brings out the colour of your eyes." She says.

"Yeah, I thought that. I wanted to talk to you about mealtimes. I don't think I can face the hall yet."

"That's fine, the elves can deliver food to the Common Room. Make sure you eat it though, you're still looking pale."

"I think the hair colour makes it worse." I reply.

"That and no sleep." She says, I look down as I answer.

"I'm trying my best okay, I just couldn't switch off."

"Do you still want to see the elves this afternoon?" Neville asks.

"Yes, what am I going to do about Dora though? I don't want to walk her through the school."

"No, I would not advise that, best to keep her out of sight, especially as you may need to adopt new identities at some point. The fewer people that see her the better. I can watch her this afternoon."

"Thanks."

"Take Dean with you though." I wonder how much the staff worry about whether I'll be attacked.

I eat my lunch and McGonagall takes Dora back to her study, through a new doorway provided by Hogwarts. Dean and Seamus enter the Common Room and Neville stands up.

"Dean, you free for a bit?"

"Yeah, why?" He asks, both he and Seamus look surprised by my hair.

"I want to go down to the kitchens, McGonagall wants you to come as well, do you mind?"

"That's fine."

"Can I come?" Asks Seamus, I look at him and nod. "Thanks." He mutters.

Ten minutes later we arrive at the kitchens. Dean and Seamus stay outside and Neville comes in with me.

"Mistress Lavender! Mistress Lavender is here with Master Longbottom, the snake slayer!" One of the elves shouts, the other elves stop and then guide us both to a seat and bring us tea and cakes.

"I was hoping that some of you could tell me about Flo." I ask, Bowtern starts and the other elves join in as well.

I learn that when Flo was working with Santa as an elflet she once had to stay with Rudolph the Reindeer all night because he had a cold. One of the elves tell me that Flo visited her after my parents had left and I had gone to Hogwarts, Flo was worried that I would tell a teacher and Flo would get into trouble. They show me a dance that Flo liked to do and they tell me that her favourite cake was pumpkin pie, which I already suspected.

We are there for two hours before I realise the time and remember that Dean and Seamus are outside. We say goodbye to the elves and walk back into the corridor.

"Sorry, we didn't realise the time." I say as we shut the door.

"It's alright, not like we had homework or anything." Mutters Seamus.

"Shut up Seamus, no one asked you to come!" Snaps Neville, Dean and I look at him in surprise.

"Let's just get back to the Common Room." Dean suggests and I nod. We don't see anyone until we pass the library.

"Excuse me, are you Lavender Brown?" Asks a girl, maybe a third year.

"Yes." I reply, Dean and Neville move slightly closer to me but then I recognise the girl and move myself closer to Neville.

"I'm Sarah Pike."

"I'm sorry about your Dad."

"Thanks, I just wanted to say that we don't blame you. My Dad said you were really brave and he really wanted to help you."

"Thanks, I'm sorry he… he had to die for me. He was a kind man, really kind."

"He was, he always said he wanted to go out in style, Mom said he would have liked dying to protect someone like you." I give a small smile and then the girl leaves.

We don't say anything else until we reach the Common Room, Seamus goes into his room and slams the door.

"Prick." Mutters Neville darkly,

"Come on, Neville. You know he's struggling with all of this, he feels like a knob already."

"Please, I don't want you guys to fall out over this. I just can't… be around Seamus like I can with the rest of you, not yet."

"He knows that, he just feels left out." Says Dean.

"Left out? How does he think I felt a few weeks ago?" I retort, Dean opens his mouth, probably to apologise, but I walk into my room and slam the door.

At six I return to the Common Room and I'm relieved to find it empty. I spent the afternoon hiding in my room and flicking through catalogues, it's amazing how much stuff babies need. My dinner tray appears and I pick at it. I know I need to eat more but my hunger seems to have vanished, replaced by tiredness.

I'm just putting down my knife and fork when the door opens and McGonagall walks in carrying Dora, I have missed her. I stand up and walk to meet her.

"How was she?" I ask as I lift her, she is awake but isn't crying.

"She was a bit grumpy for the first hour but I conjured some bubbles and she settled down. How were the elves?"

"They were great, very enthusiastic. Dora likes bubbles." I sit down and so does McGonagall.

"I can hold her while you finish your dinner."

"I've finished."

"No you haven't."

"I'm just not very hungry." I reply with a slight sigh.

"Eat two more potatoes and I won't tell Poppy." I reluctantly comply and then McGonagall vanishes the tray.

"Have you heard from the Minister?"

"No, he's coming in on Monday." I nod.

"If…if I give him the memories will the whole Wizamgamot see them?"

"I don't know, we'll find out more on Monday. Why did you dye your hair?"

"It attracted too much attention."

"Is it because of what Bellatrix said?"

"A bit but…people noticed it. All the girls wanted it and all the boys liked it. I don't want to be noticed anymore, I don't want people looking at me."

"You can't become invisible."

"No but I can try and blend in." Dora yawns and a second later so do I.

"You should try and get an early night, I'm on duty all night, I'll stay in here and catch up on some paperwork."

"Can you watch her while I have a shower?"

"Certainly. Don't think we haven't noticed how often you shower by the way."

"I know but…It helps…It helps a bit, when I can smell the soap." McGonagall nods and I pass Dora to her and then walk back into my bedroom.

I grab my toiletries from my trunk and then push it under my bed. When I'm in the bathroom I start sorting through them. I put the shampoo and conditioner and soaps in the shower and then grab the mouthwash and flannels and kneel down to put them in the cupboard under the sink.

I open the cupboard door and gasp. Inside the cupboard is Amycus Carrow.

* * *

A/N So a cliffhanger for you! Let me know what you think.

McGonagall's brave quote is by Carys Bray (found online)

"Anyone can be brave for five minutes or an hour or two. The bravery no one talks about is the hardest bravery of all. When you get up in the morning even though you'd rather be dead, that's brave."

Next chapter; Kingsley explains the new plan.

Thanks to mozie for beta-ing! I'm still looking for a new beta.

Allen Pitt- Kingsley is trying to play things by the book but McGonagall isn't making it easy for him.

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks!

witchprincess33- Sorry! I've just realised that both stories have cliffhangers, I feel a bit guilty!

LUG-14- Thanks, it's hard to give character to such a young baby, they pretty much sleep, eat, poo and cry!


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

All logical thinking flies out of my brain and I fall backwards and gasp. He smiles and steps out of the cupboard and looks down at me with hungry eyes. I feel for my wand but it's on my bed.

"Did you think I wouldn't find you?"

"No…you're locked up! You're locked up!" I gasp, my breaths are hard to catch.

"As if they could keep me away from you. I'll always find you, we all will. We had a Deal." He kneels down and I move against the wall. He can't be here, he can't be here.

He reaches out and I feel his hand on my legs and I know he's here. I close my eyes and try to imagine I'm somewhere else, anywhere else. His laughter is echoing in the bathroom and I know I have to get out of here, I keep my eyes closed and try to knock him aside, my hands don't hit him but I manage to get up anyway. I walk into the bathroom door and then scramble to try and find the handle.

He's still laughing at me and I throw up as soon as I open the door. I keep my eyes closed and find the door of my bedroom and open it.

"Lavender?" It's Seamus. "Are you alright?"

"Carrow…in bathroom…Carrow!" I gasp sinking to the floor, I keep my eyes closed but feel Seamus run past me. My voice seems to have carried into the Common Room because I hear more footsteps.

"Lavender?"

"It's Carrow…" I gasp before I feel myself fall back onto the floor and the darkness becomes darker.

* * *

"_Ennerverte_!" My eyes fly open and I gasp and look around wildly. I'm on my bed and McGonagall and Pomfrey are there, along with Neville who looks very pale.

"It's alright Lavender, it's okay." He says, in a very convincing voice. I look towards the bathroom, Carrow was in there.

"Lavender, it was a Boggart." Says McGonagall firmly, I look back at her and shake my head.

"No…no he…he touched my leg…I felt him…"

"Lavender, listen to me. It was a Boggart, you're exhausted and you panicked, it could have been your own hand that touched your leg or your imagination, he wasn't there." Pomfrey seems so sure but I still shake my head.

"No… he said he'll always find me…" McGonagall sits on the bed and holds my hand.

"It was a Boggart, I promise. He won't find you, he's in Azkaban and he will remain there until he dies." The relief hits me and I sag with it, just a Boggart.

"I'm sorry…it was so real…"

"They feed on fear Lavender, that's why it felt real. We've checked the rest of your room, it probably got in because you haven't been here for a few weeks. It's gone now." I nod and rub my face with my hands, I'm such a mess that a Boggart has me passing out.

"Neville, could you wait outside for a moment?" Says McGonagall, Neville leaves and shuts the door.

"I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that, just a Boggart."

"Don't apologise it's understandable."

"Lavender, I want to put you on a potion regime." I look up at Pomfrey.

"For the anaemia? I've been trying to eat but…"

"Not for the anaemia, I want to put you on a calming potion regime. Just a low dose, once a day. I think it might help you cope with things, it might increase your appetite as well, and help you sleep."

"Will it get rid of the nightmares?" I ask desperately.

"No, it's only a low dose but it might help you get off to sleep. Will you give it a try for a week?" I nod and Pomfrey looks pleased.

"Here's the first dose. I'll bring the rest tomorrow, now I want you to sleep tonight."

"I'll keep Dora in the Common Room and wake you up if you have a nightmare." When I have a nightmare more like, but I don't correct McGonagall. I just thank them both, take the potion and then try and sleep.

* * *

When I'm woken by Fleur from my third nightmare early on Monday morning I glance at the clock and see that it's six, there's no point trying to get back to sleep.

"Are you alright?" Fleur asks, sitting on the bed.

"Yeah, I'm going to have a shower, has Dora been alright?"

"She seems to have a bit of the colic again, see what you think when you've had a shower." I nod and look at Fleur, she looks exhausted.

"I'm sorry, you look really tired, was she that bad?" I know Fleur's woken me three times but it doesn't look like she's had any sleep.

"Don't worry, she iz a baby, they cry. I'll get a tray of tea when you are ready." She stands up and leaves the room.

I still feel anxious when I walk into the bathroom but I do think the calming potions are actually helping, I don't feel as overwhelmed, just a bit uneasy. I shower quickly but still wash my dark hair three times.

When Weasley and Fleur returned with the others yesterday, they were all surprised by my hair colour. They had been told about the Boggart and Hermione had apparently been very upset about it, Ron said she had always struggled with Boggarts but laughed as he told me her Boggart used to be McGonagall telling her she'd failed everything. I doubt it still is.

I change into a pair of jogging bottoms and a loose jumper, I don't need to put my uniform on until this afternoon and if Dora's colic is back she will probably throw up on me anyway.

When I enter the Common Room Dora is crying and Fleur is trying to comfort her. I walk over to them and Fleur hands her over and then conjures a tea tray.

"Now, what's this I hear about you being grumpy?" I say, patting Dora on the back lightly, her response is to hiccup and then carry on crying.

It takes ten minutes to settle her enough to drink some tea.

"You can go to bed if you want?"

"I will wait under after breakfast, Kingsley is coming in at nine. I vant to hear what ze plan is." I take another sip of tea but don't reply, I feel sick every time I think about it.

"Do not worry, the decision is already made. Anyway Minerva will not let you carry on with the interviews."

"What if he says I have to?"

"Lavender, you will not have to do them, we promised you. It is too soon and too…it is cruel to make you relive it every night."

"Did Professor Weasley tell his mom what I said?"

"No, and he won't, but only because he knows how worried you are about it. She wouldn't care, she sent you a gift, I'll go and get it." Fleur stands up and glides out of the room, when she returns she is holding a large box wrapped in blue paper.

"Why did she get me a gift? It's not my birthday." I say as Fleur puts it on the table.

"She thought it might help you, open it." I pick up the card first and open that.

_Dear Lavender, _

_I thought this might help you, it saved my sanity when the children were little and I might help you sleep better. I hope to see you and Dora soon._

_Best wishes,_

_Molly Weasley_

_Xxx_

I put the card down and rip the wrapping, it is a cardboard box. I put Dora on the sofa next to me and stand up to look inside.

It is full of wool of all colours, on top is a book entitled 'Crochet; a beginners guide', I pick it up and flick through it quickly. It's full of patterns for baby clothes and blankets, I sit down again and look at Fleur.

"Why does she think it will help me sleep?" I ask, confused.

"Sometimes doing something repetitive like knitting or crochet, or needlework, it can help your brain switch off. You should give it a try, it can't do any harm." I nod and look at the book again.

"I'll try later, I've never done anything like it." I stand up and carry the box to my room and then return to the living room and cuddle a grumpy Dora.

The other Gryffindors wake up and get ready for class, Hermione comes and sits next to me and I pass Dora to her to feed.

"Did she sleep?"

"Non, she is not happy today." Says Fleur, stretching out and yawning.

"Did you sleep?" Hermione asks me.

"A bit. Had a few nightmares."

"If you need to talk in the night, just wake me, I don't mind."

"Thanks, Hermione." Although I doubt I will, especially as she is usually sharing a bed with Ron these days.

When the others go to breakfast and then class Hermione stays with me, she has a free period and I've asked her to stay while Kingsley is here. We move into Weasley and Fleur's apartment and the married couple disappear into their room for half an hour and emerge just as McGonagall arrives with the Minister and Mr Weasley.

"Can you thank Mrs Weasley for the crochet stuff, please? Tell her I'll have a go later." I say to Mr Weasley.

"Of course, when she starts making a jumper or something she just…disappears into a different world, house could probably fall down around her and she wouldn't notice." He says, sitting down.

McGonagall and Hermione sit either side of me and Weasley conjures more armchairs for him and Fleur. Fleur takes Dora and puts her in the Moses basket and then comes to sit down, we all look at the Minister.

"I have spent the weekend speaking to members of the Wizemgamot about the situation and last night we had an emergency session and we have come to a decision." He pauses and I look at my hands, why is he pausing? Does he want to create drama?

"Well?" McGonagall asks, I look up at Kingsley.

"They have decided that we cannot move forward solely using Miss Brown's memories."

"What?" I ask, in a strangled voice.

"We would like to view the memories and then once we have viewed them we will need to ask you some questions to clarify any issues. We would also like you to make a written statement." I relax slightly but then realise I need confirmation.

"So, the interviews are over, I just have to write it down and give you the memories?"

"Yes, I'll collect the memories today and then we will view them over the next few weeks and go through your statements and then have a final…consultation with you before the trials. Carrow's trial will be over this week though, your interview on Thursday, along with the Death Eater role he played is enough to keep him in Azkaban."

"Forever?" I ask.

"Yes."

"How will you get the memories of such a long period though?" Hermione asks, looking confused.

"I will show Miss Brown a photo and then she will need to remember the event with that person and I will collect the memory."

"So I don't have the give the whole memory?" I ask, it was seven months of hell.

"No, just fragments. We can start now."

"Who will see them? The memories?"

"I will, members of the Wizemgamot…"

"All of them? How many are there?"

"Seventy two." I feel even sicker.

"Surely they don't all need to see them Kingsley, it's an invasion of privacy. Can't you make a sub-committee?" Asks McGonagall.

"She's got a point Kingsley, that's a lot of people seeing what happened to Lavender, it won't be pleasant viewing." Weasley adds. Kingsley appears to think for a moment and then nods.

"Very well, I shall set up at sub-committee."

"Will it just be them then?" I ask, I need to know who will see.

"Professor McGonagall and Weasley have asked to…"

"No…" I start, panicking.

"Lavender, listen…" McGonagall starts but I cut across her.

"You can see it, I don't want Professor Weasley to see it."

"Why not?" Weasley asks.

"I… I have my reasons, please?" Weasley does not look happy but Fleur squeezes his hand and he nods.

"And Arthur has…" Again I interrupt the Minister for Magic.

"No, no Weasley's." I say, firmly. Hermione looks at me and I realise it probably sounded rude.

"I…I can't explain it…it's…please I just don't want you to see it." Mr Weasley looks surprised but tries to cover it.

"I won't see it then, you will need to make sure Percy isn't in the subcommittee then Kingsley."

"Is he in the Wizemgamot?" I ask.

"No but he is present in all meetings, he is the Minister's junior assistant." Mr Weasley replies.

"I will speak to him later. I need to collect the memories now though, especially as I need to set up a sub-committee quickly, in fact Arthur why don't you head back to the Ministry and draw up a list, about ten people, different ages, departments, blood status, genders, histories…you get the drift." Mr Weasley nods and smiles at me and then hugs his son and leaves.

"Hermione you should go, you've got class soon." I say.

"I can stay if you want." She replies.

"No, I'll be fine, I'll see you later." Hermione stands up and walks back into the Common Room. Weasley stands up as well and I realise I need to clear the air.

"Please don't be offended Professor…it's nothing personal…it's complicated." It is personal, it's his surname but I really don't want him to be upset.

"It's okay Lavender, I've got to get to class, Hagrid's watching them." He leaves as well and Fleur moves to sit next to me.

"Is he upset?" I ask her.

"Just confused, he will get under it."

"Over, he'll get over it." McGonagall corrects and Fleur looks thoughtful and then nods.

Shacklebolt stands up and pulls a small box out of his pocket and enlarges it, it's a pensieve. There is one in the townhouse but I've never used it, my father always told me that it contain the Brown family legacy but I never felt the urge to investigate it.

"Right, I'll show you the photo and then you need to remember the event and I shall use my wand to guide the memory into the pensieve, do you understand?"

"Yes, will I still remember it?" I hope that he'll say no, or that the memory will be dimmed but he shakes his head and the bubble of hope that had been blossoming pops.

"Sorry, it's just a copy of the memory, not the memory itself."

We start quickly and we get through half of the men within thirty minutes but the more difficult men are still to come. I'm grateful when Dora starts to cry, I volunteer to change her, just for a small break.

I take her into the empty Common Room and change her on the table, when I return the others are drinking tea, Shacklebolt stands up as I enter.

"Lavender, could I see her? Please?" He asks, using my first name for the first time. I nod and carry her over to him.

He looks at her and gasps slightly, he must see the nose of his friend. He recovers quickly and looks up at me.

"I see what you mean about Proudfoot, I'm sorry for not believing you."

"I understand, he was your friend." Shacklebolt nods.

"I was best man at his wedding."

"He's married?" I ask, it's so strange to think of these men having normal lives.

"Yes, and he has four children, all too young for Hogwarts at the moment. The youngest is only two."

"What did his wife say? When she found out?"

"She didn't believe it at first but then he confessed and she was furious, she hexed him. He was in St. Mungo's for a couple of days." McGonagall makes a laugh-like sound and I look at her.

"Aubrey was always quite the dueller, and hot-tempered too. How is she coping with the children?"

"Her sister has moved in to help with them, she's coming to terms with it, slowly. I think she's written to you." He replies, looking at me.

"I haven't read all the letters, the others are sorting through them for me." I take Dora and put her back in the Moses basket and then return to the sofa.

After another hour there are only four men left to do, one of them is Proudfoot. He shows me the photo and I think back to the first event, and then the next, and the next. All the time Shacklebolt is guiding my memories to the pensieve and I notice his hand is shaking slightly.

"Would you also allow us to do a paternity test, on Dora? Just to prove to any doubters."

"I thought you said he confessed?" I ask, confused.

"He did but…if you want maintenance at…"

"I told you I don't want it." I say firmly. "You can do the paternity if you want but I don't want a knut from him!" Shacklebolt nods and then turns over the next picture, it's of Carrow.

"It's hard to separate him, there were usually others there." I say with a crack in my voice that I'm sure they noticed.

"It won't matter, it's not going to affect the trial of him but it might help with some of the others, they didn't stop him and that says a great deal."

"Okay…this is the main one I don't want the Weasley's seeing. And I don't want you to talk to them about it, you'll understand when you've seen it but…I don't want to talk about it again, ever." I turn to look at McGonagall and I can see she looks quite scared.

"We won't show them but…talking might help." She says, looking serious.

"I'll talk about all the rest but…when you've seen it you'll understand." They both nod and the memories are guided to the pensieve.

The next man is the one I know didn't want to be there, didn't want to hurt me.

"I want it noted that he didn't want to hurt me, he was…gentle and I know he was under duress."

"I'll tell the committee and we'll take it into consideration." Shacklebolt says and I nod and add the memories. One more to go. It's Alecto Carrow.

"This one is another that the Weasley's can't see, ever." My voice is shaking, the shame from the memories is filling me up and I can feel tears threatening. I was doing so well but this last group of memories could push me past breaking point.

"They won't see it." McGonagall says firmly. I look at her and the tears spill over and track down my face. I look back at the Minister.

"Will she be in Azkaban for life anyway?" I ask.

"Yes, she was a Death Eater and she used the Cruciatus curse on students for detentions." He says, pointing his wand at my head and waiting.

I try to bring up the memory but I can't, I shake my head and Shacklebolt drops his wand.

"Lavender?" Fleur asks, gently, I look at her and then at the Pensieve.

"I can't… you can't have her memories… she'll be in Azkaban anyway. You don't need them."

"Lavender, you agreed to give all the memories." McGonagall says, I stand up and shake my head.

"I can't give you that one, I'm sorry." Without waiting for them to argue I move over to the table and pick the Moses basket up and walk into the Common Room and then into my room.

I set the basket down on the bed and then sit next to it, wiping away the tears. If she's going to be in Azkaban forever anyway what difference will the memories make? Some things should stay a secret, especially when they have the power to hurt people, and to make them hate me.

I half expect McGonagall or Fleur to knock on the door but they don't, perhaps they could see that nothing was going to change my mind. I spend the morning reading the crochet book instead of working. I know I should be doing something more productive but my mind won't settle enough.

Using the book I learn the basic stitches and keep practising until I have mastered them and the practise squares look exactly as they do in the book. A knock on the door interrupts me and I look up.

"Come in." The door opens and Neville pops his head around.

"Hey, your lunch is here."

"Is it lunchtime?" I ask, looking at my watch. It's twelve, Dora missed her feed. "Shit, Dora missed her feed, she didn't cry though." I put down the wool and climb off the bed.

"I can feed her while you eat, if you want?" Neville asks.

"Thanks Neville, Mrs Weasley was right about the crochet I completely lost track of the time."

"You seem calm though, did this morning go okay?" He asks, taking Dora out of my arms and then walking into the Common Room with me.

Harry is sat on the sofa with Ginny. I've been avoiding her since the flashback and I wish I could avoid her now but she spots me and smiles.

"Hey Lavender, how are you?" She asks, I look away from her face as I answer.

"Fine thanks." I reply, I pick up my lunch tray from the table and walk over to one of the tables to eat it. Neville looks confused but makes to follow me.

"You can sit over there Neville, I don't mind. I just…need a bit of alone time." It's a lie, I need to stay away from Ginny but I can hardly say that. Neville sits by the fire and I block out their conversation as I eat.

When Neville finished feeding Dora I can hear her crying so I walk over to them, trying to avoid looking at Ginny. Neville passes her to me looking guilty.

"Don't worry Neville, Fleur said she was grumpy in the night. Her colic might be back." Neville looks reassured and I walk around the Common Room bouncing Dora and patting her on the back, after twenty minutes she is still crying, the others return from lunch and start their work so I take Dora into my bedroom and try to settle her in there.

Half an hour later she is still crying and there is a knock on the door.

"Let's see who that is shall we?" I say to her, walking over to the door. I open it and McGonagall is there with Weasley.

"I'm not giving you the memory." I say, firmly over Dora's screams, standing back to let them in.

"We know, it's time for Transfiguration, I'll watch Dora. Has she been fed?" Weasley asks.

"Oh, I forgot about Transfiguration. Do you want me to change into my uniform?" I ask, looking at McGonagall.

"Don't worry about it, we'll have the lesson in the Common Room."

"Thanks, she's been fed and she's been crying for an hour." I say, passing Dora to Weasley. "I think she's got colic again, if she doesn't settle in ten minutes give her some of the potion." It feels weird to be giving him advice on how to care for my baby. Like it's the wrong way around and he should be telling me how to babysit his children.

"Okay, we'll see you later then." He takes her away and I grab my work and then meet McGonagall in the Common Room.

"It feels like I've gone deaf, I got so used to her crying." I say, sitting down and passing McGonagall my completed worksheets.

"That's what I feel like every time I leave the Great Hall. When did you finish these?"

"The other night, when I couldn't sleep. I meant to check them this morning but I got into that crochet that Mrs Weasley sent me and before I knew it, it was lunchtime."

"I shall let Molly know, she'll be delighted. Now start reading chapter seven while I mark these."

The rest of the lesson passes quickly although McGonagall is not particularly pleased with my homework. She gives me more worksheets and makes me promise to do them when I'm properly awake. She also gives me an essay to do, due in two weeks.

"But I'll check it on Thursday to see how you're getting on. Hagrid will be coming tomorrow morning to do some Care of Magical Creatures with you."

"Okay, thanks." I stand up and gather together my books and parchment. McGonagall looks at me and I sigh.

"When you've seen the Amycus Carrow memory you might…guess what the other memory has just…please don't discuss it with me."

"Kingsley is coming this evening and we will start to view the memories together, I'll ask to see that one first." I nod.

"Please…don't think badly of me when…"

"Lavender, you did what you had to do to survive, and to protect the rest of us." I realise she is including herself in that. I nod and then put my things in my bedroom, when I return to the Common Room she's gone. I walk into Weasley's apartment and I can hear Dora screaming as soon as I open the door.

"You might not believe me but she has been asleep, I gave her some of the potion and she settled but she needed changing five minutes ago and she's been crying since." Weasley says from the sofa.

"Thanks for looking after her."

"No problem, Pomona is watching her tonight, she'll come to the Common Room at ten." He says, handing Dora to me.

"Okay, tell Fleur I hope she sleeps tonight."

"She will do, she slept through lunch, found her asleep in her classroom."

"Sorry, I can cover her…"

"She wants to help, and it's practise for us."

"Okay, thanks." I walk back into the Common Room and sit on the sofa with a screaming baby.

* * *

I jolt awake from the nightmare and sit up quickly, it's rare that I manage to wake myself up from nightmares these days but I'm grateful. The crochet square that I was creating before I went to sleep is on my lap, Mrs Weasley was right about it helping me sleep.

I look at my watch and see that it's only midnight. Knowing I need to calm down before returning to sleep I stand up and pull my dressing gown on and walk into the Common Room to see Dora and Sprout.

As I approach the Common Room I can hear soft voices and what sound like tears, not tears from Dora so I hesitate, staying out of sight and listen.

"…way of knowing, Minerva. We can't keep looking back to last year."

"Pomona's right, we need to focus on her future, on protecting them both." It's Sprout, Flitwick and McGonagall and I realise that it's the Headmistress who is crying.

"I just can't get the image out of my mind, she was so terrified!"

"Of course she was, thank Merlin we know now." Flitwick says.

"She could sometimes hear me lecturing, just getting on with classes, through the wall." Dammit, I had hoped that she wouldn't see any of those times, I tried to filter the memories but it's too hard.

"Has she been back to the corridor?"

"No."

"Perhaps she should, face her demons." Flitwick suggests and I shudder at the thought.

"I think she's got enough demons to get getting on with Filius. Minerva, you can't blame yourself." I lean back against the wall outside Harry's room with tears sliding down my face, I can't go out there now and face McGonagall when she's already vulnerable. I sneak back into my bedroom and climb into bed.

I don't pick up the crochet and try and get to sleep without it. The nightmare starts quickly and unusually for me it is not a memory, it is worse. McGonagall is shouting at me and I can't look away from her face. Hermione is calling me names and trying to curse me. Carrow is laughing at me and Mr Weasley is telling everyone what a coward I am. I preferred the memories.

"Lavender!" I snap my eyes open and Sprout is leaning over me and shaking my shoulders. I gasp and sit up quickly. "Are you alright now, dear? Would you like some tea? Dora is due a feed."

"Yes, thanks, I'll feed her." I stand up and Sprout passes me my dressing gown. We walk to the Common Room in silence and I'm glad that Flitwick and McGonagall have left.

Dora is just waking up as I reach her and I smile and pick her up before she starts crying too loud. I sit down and Sprout passes me the bottle.

"It seems her colic is back." She says, sighing.

"I thought that, she's been grumpy all day, has she slept much now?" I glance up at the clock and see that it's four, sleeping for four straight hours is actually quite an achievement for me at the moment, small successes.

"Only about half an hour. My youngest son had colic on and off for a few months, the potions really help them though, Merlin knows how muggles manage."

"I didn't know you had children."

"Not many do, I have four, they are all grown up now. The youngest is thirty, I have seven grand-children as well." She says, proudly.

"You must be proud."

"I am, they live all over the world now but we meet up once a month in Cumbria at the family house. My husband died twenty years ago, that was when I moved to Hogwarts full-time and became Head of Hufflepuff. Distraction can help grief and a house full of badgers is quite a distraction I can assure you!" I smile and nod, it's strange to think of the teachers outside of Hogwarts.

"Did you know my parents? Through Herbology?" I ask, I've always wondered.

"I've met them a couple of times at conventions, I saw them a couple of years ago in Prague. Had I known the situation Lavender, I would have apprehended them."

"They're not going to be allowed to carry on their research for six years, they've got a travel ban."

"It is their own fault, and I think you might have an inflated sense of your parent's contribution to Herbology. They have made a few discoveries over the past few years but nothing ground-breaking. Had they not been so rich anyway they would not have been able to fund their travels. They're sentence will not hold back the progress of Herbology, don't worry."

"That's good. My father made me think that he was Merlin's gift to Orchids but I wasn't sure how true it was."

"He made a few discoveries but nothing that changed Herbology considerably. Most Herbologists considered your parents to be more travellers who meddled in Herbology than the other way around." I snort slightly and nod.

"I won't worry about Neville being upset then."

We talk about Herbology and then Dora as I feed her and I find myself enjoying the time I spend with Sprout, it's nice to talk to her when she's not so distracted by plants and classes. When Dora's finished feeding I put her back in the crib and then manage to get another hours sleep.

* * *

A/N I actually can't believe that none of you guessed it was a Boggart, he was in the cupboard under the bathroom sink!

Next chapter; Lavender writes the statement, helps Neville find some courage, Seamus crosses a line, and Lavender gets some difficult news.

I'm still looking for a new beta!

Allen Pitt- Carrow's in Azkaban!

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks.

witchprincess33- Fretting over?

Bookwormkat1- Thanks, it's actually quite hard writing McGonagall in this story because I evolved her in the Words universe but I can't use that McGonagall in this story!

LUG-14- Thanks, giving a newborn personality is quite tricky!


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

The next two days pass rather quickly and when I wake up from a nightmare on Thursday morning Fleur is dabbing my sweaty forehead with a cold flannel. I try to thank her but the words don't quite make it out of my mouth.

"Just take the deep breaths, zat was a bad nightmare, it was hard to wake you." I close my eyes and lean back against the headboard and try to steady my breathing. The potions regime seems to have really helped during the days but the nights are still my enemy, it never seems to stop.

"What happened? What was ze nightmare?"

"It… it was… I can't…" I take another breath and a sob escapes my lips.

"Have you started ze statements? Perhaps writing it down will help." I look at her for a moment and then look over at a fresh roll of ministry parchment on my dresser which is on top of the pile of photo's that Shacklebolt has given me. I've been putting it off but perhaps I should get it over and done with.

"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll start now."

"Now? Non, Lavender et is two o'clock in ze morning, you should be sleeping." Fleur says, moving away so I can get up.

"I want to try it."

"Bring it into the Common Room then, I can watch an eye on you." I think of correcting her English but decide against it, it's not like I can speak French. I pull on my dressing gown and my slippers and then pick up my stationary and follow Fleur into the Common Room. Dora is crying and I go to her first.

"Have you been grumpy again?" I ask, picking her up and kissing her on the forehead.

"She had a couple of hours, perhaps…" Fleur leans forwards and smells Dora and I nod.

"Yeah, I can do it." I change her quickly but she does not settle, Fleur takes her off me and walks her around the Common Room bouncing her lightly. I hesitate but then sit down on one of the chairs in the corner and unroll the parchment. It can't do any harm.

* * *

"…not move since two, ze just keeps writing Bill!"

"Lavender, you need to stop now, it's time for breakfast. Lavender!"

"Lavender, can you put the quill down? It's time for our Herbology lesson, you've done enough writing now."

"Lavender, it's Hermione, can you talk to me please? We're all worried about you, you've been writing all day."

* * *

I'm so close to the end and my hand is shaking so much that I'm not sure my writing will be legible but I carry on. Tears drip off my face but for some reason they don't reach the parchment but I don't have the energy to wonder why it's happening.

I don't know how long I've been writing for but I'm so nearly finished now. I can feel people around me but I have no idea who they are, some voices have managed to infiltrate the fog of my brain but now I can only hear the buzz of my own ears and the quill on the parchment.

I make the final full-stop and then the quill falls from my fingers without me being aware of letting it go, I try to look up but my neck protests and I wince.

"…back with us. Lavender, can you hear me?" It's Weasley and it sounds like he's sitting opposite me.

"Yes." I reach for my neck and manage to ease the tension and look up at him.

"I'll send for Poppy." Says Fleur from next to him, McGonagall is sat next to me and I realise that I haven't seen her since I overheard her crying. Has she seen all the memories now? I look at her.

"I finished, Professor." I say, sliding the parchment to her.

"Well done, do you know how long it's taken you?" She asks in an uncharacteristically gentle voice.

"No, a few hours."

"It's been three days, Lavender. We've been really worried." Says Weasley and I look at him. It can't have been three days.

"I…Three days that's not…not possible!" Now that I think about it I am hungry and thirsty but not desperately so.

"We thought you were getting to the end this afternoon, you slowed down so we stayed up with you. We've had to give you potion injections but I don't think you felt them."

"No…I didn't. Is Dora alright?" I look around for her and spot the crib near the bookcase, I try and stand up but completely fall off the chair, Weasley manages to catch me and I'm surprised by how fast his reflexes are.

"Careful Lavender, let's get you to the sofa." He says, almost carrying me to the settee. My muscles seem unresponsive.

"I only used one roll of par…"

"It was a Ministry roll, they continue until they are sealed." Says McGonagall, she picks up Dora and brings her over to me. "She's due a feed but I think I should do it, drink some tea."

I nod and look back over at the table, the pictures are all over it, and on the floor. How can I have written for three days?

"Is it Saturday then?"

"No, it's Sunday now." Weasley says from next to me.

"How come you didn't go home?"

"We had work to do here and my parents have gone to see my brother in Romania." I watch McGonagall feed Dora and feel so guilty.

"I'm sorry Professor, I don't know how it happened." McGonagall looks up and I can see pity in her eyes so I look away.

"Do you feel better? Now it's written."

"I think so."

"Then it was worth it." Before the moment gets too intense Pomfrey arrives and forces a few potions down my throat and send me to bed. I don't even think so argue, one because I am exhausted, and two because she lets me take a sleeping potion. As I climb into bed I realise that I do feel better, I feel lighter somehow, perhaps it was worth it.

* * *

I wake on Sunday afternoon feeling refreshed, and surprisingly unburdened. I look over to the dresser and the absence of the pictures nearly makes me smile, nearly.

I have a long shower and then dress in jeans and a purple jumper. I can hear Dora crying as soon as I open my bedroom door and walking into the Common Room I see her with Hermione trying to calm her.

"Look Dora, Mommy's here now…here she is." Hermione passes her over and I kiss her and then try shushing her before looking up at Hermione.

"Thanks, is she due anything or just grumpy?"

"Grumpy, Madam Pomfrey said the colic's back but she's had today's potion. Are you alright?"

"Yes thanks, I feel better."

"That's good, you look calmer." Hermione says and we sat down, Harry and Ron are playing chess and I sit next to Harry. Dora takes another few minutes to settle but then she drifts off to sleep holding onto my thumb with quite a grip.

"So, what have I missed?" I ask, looking at the trio.

"Not much, Fleur's started craving courgettes and Luna's convinced it's because the baby will be a vegetarian." Ron laughs as he finishes and the rest of us smile.

"Is she alright now? Luna?"

"Yeah, she's fine. I've never seen anyone duel like she does, she uses the weirdest spells. One of them turned the guy purple, how is that useful?" Ron asks.

"Well, it distracted him enough for her to stun him." Harry says, leaning back and yawning widely. "We've got Quidditch practise in ten minutes Ron, we better get ready." The boys stand up and walk away, muttering about strategy and plays.

I talk with Hermione for a few minutes and then Ginny walks over, I subconsciously stiffen but try not to panic.

"Hi Lavender, how are you feeling?" Ginny asks, she's already wearing her Quidditch outfit and has sat down next to Hermione who is looking at me warily.

"I'm fine, I better put Dora down. Have a good practice." I almost run into my bedroom and then sit on the bed with Dora in my arms. I can't believe I've missed almost four days with her.

There's a knock at the door, I suspect it's Hermione and tell her to come in. When I look up though it's Neville.

"Oh hi Neville, I thought you were Hermione."

"She's gone to watch the practice. I thought I'd bring you my Herbology notes, I copied them for you."

"Thanks Neville. How are you?"

"Me, I'm fine."

"What have you been doing lately? I feel like I live in a bubble."

"Yeah, you must. Not a lot, just work and doing some extra Herbology with Hannah." He blushes and looks away.

"Hannah Abbott, right?"

"Yes, she's good at Herbology." He mutters, coming and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"You like her don't you?" I ask, it seems strange to think of such trivial things again.

"Yeah…I mean I like her as a friend…"

"Just a friend? You don't fancy…"

"No!" I raise my eyebrows and Neville sighs. "Okay, maybe a bit but it doesn't matter."

"Why not? Why don't you ask her out?"

"She'd never date me, Lavender! I'm just Neville."

"You're not just Neville, not anymore. The elves call you the snake slayer for crying out loud! Just ask her to Hogsmeade next weekend or something." Neville puts down the notes and looks at me with a strange expression.

"I… I don't trust myself anymore… not with girls."

"Why?"

"Well first there was last year, I should have known something was wrong with you, and then the other week I didn't protect Luna…"

"Neville, don't be silly. We're not damsels in distress who need rescuing, what happened to me was not your fault. Of all of the Gryffindor's you knew the least about my home life probably, you and Harry. And you tried to help me, don't ever think that you didn't make a difference Neville, please." I lean forward and with the arm that is not cradling Dora and put my hand on Neville's shoulder and kiss him on the cheek. Just the action of kissing makes me panic slightly and Neville must notice because he stands up and creates more distance between us.

"Are you alright?" He asks. I close my eyes and try to steady my breathing.

"I'm fine, can you take her?" I keep my eyes closed and I feel Neville gently lift Dora out of my arm. I pull my legs up to my chest and try to take deep breaths.

This is ridiculous, I kissed him on the cheek, and it's Neville!

"Do you want me to get someone?"

"No… can you just…" I hold out my hand and after a moment in which I guess he puts Dora in the crib, he takes my hand and perches on the end of the bed.

I fight against the flashback and keep holding Neville's hand, tightly at first and then when the panic starts to subside I loosen my grip. It takes about fifteen minutes before I let go and open my eyes. Neville is looking both worried and relieved.

"Sorry, it was my fault…"

"Lavender, stop blaming yourself for how you react to this, please." I smile as I look at him.

"When did you get so assertive?" I ask.

"Dunno, sometime last year I guess." He replies, shrugging.

"Well take that assertiveness and march over to the Hufflepuff Common Room and ask Hannah out."

"You think I should?"

"Don't doubt yourself, just do it." He nods and leaves quickly.

I take a deep breath as soon as he's outside the door and put my head in my hands. The potion regime has definitely helped but I'm a long way from fully recovered. Perhaps you can't recover for things like this, perhaps they just become a part of you.

I put charms on the crib and walk into the Common Room. It's empty and the silence unnerves me so I walk into Weasley and Fleur's apartment, they are having tea and reading parts of my statement.

"Hello Lavender, good sleep?" Weasley asks, putting down his cup.

"Yeah, do you mind if I do some work in here, it's too quiet in there." I indicate behind me and then lift the stack of Herbology work that Neville brought me.

"Of course, use the table. Everyone gone out then?"

"Yes, Quidditch practice and Neville's gone to ask Hannah Abbott on a date."

"Oh, how lovely!" Says Fleur, smiling widely. "They would be a sweet couple." I hear Weasley mutter something that sounds oddly like 'Hormones' and then I indicate to the parchment on the coffee table.

"Is it alright? Can you read it?" I ask, moving over to the dining table so that I don't see any pity.

"It's fine, perfectly legible. It was part of the charm on the parchment."

"Oh, is that why my tears didn't mark it?" I ask, sitting down and trying to keep my voice even.

"I would assume so. Professor McGonagall has read it and we're having a look at the parts she wanted us to see and then we'll take it to the Ministry tomorrow." I nod but don't reply.

I make a start on my work and I'm about two pages through the worksheets when I hear Fleur gasp, I look up and see that her face has paled.

"Fleur?" Asks Weasley, reaching out to her. "Are you alright?"

"Oui, do not worry…I was just…" She nods towards the parchment and Weasley reads a section. I look back down at my work because I do not want to know what has upset her, I don't want to discuss any of it.

"Must be why Minerva wants Poppy to come later." Weasley says carefully, in spite of my resolve not to look up I do and Fleur is looking straight at me. I look down again and then pick up my worksheets and start to walk out of the room.

"Lavender, I am sorry, you do not have…" I shut the door and walk straight into my bedroom. Dora is still asleep so I run a bath and lock my bathroom door.

As soon as I sink into the bubbles she starts crying.

"Thanks for that, Dora." I mutter, climbing out of the bath. I pull a towel around myself and open the bathroom door. I gasp in shock when I see Seamus leaning down to Dora, he spins around when he sees me.

"Oh, sorry Lavender… I thought you couldn't hear her." He says, I can see that he is trying not to look at my barely covered body but his eyes betray him and they rake over me. The towel doesn't reach my knees and some of the words are clearly visible. I see him looking at them and feel myself fill with anger.

"Get out!" I spit, hating how exposed I am. Seamus looks terrified for a moment and then leaves the room.

After I settle Dora I bring her into the bathroom with me and put her in the Moses basket on the floor. I spend twice as long as usual in the bath, crying so hard that I wake Dora several times, and I scrub at the words that Seamus saw so hard that the skin starts to break and the water in the bath slowly turns pink. When I start shaking from the cold I pull myself together enough to get out of the tub, I grab a fresh towel and sit on the toilet with it wrapped around me.

I pick at some of the words for another twenty minutes before I realise that I need help, that this isn't healthy. I stand up and pull my dressing around me and carry the basket back into my room. I place it in the crib and then pull on a pair of pyjamas bottoms that are already dirty, and a loose fitting T-shirt. I then put the dressing gown back on to hide the blood stains and walk into the Common Room.

It's just after dinner and when I reach the Common Room Hermione, Ron, Harry and Ginny come through the portrait hole, clearly just back from dinner. They all sit down without noticing me so I clear my throat.

"Umm… Hermione, I need some help please?" I ask, I'm surprised by how desperate my voice sounds, Hermione jumps slightly and stands up.

"What is it? Do you want me to get som…?"

"No!" I say, loudly. There's no need for the teachers to find out about this. Hermione starts walking towards me.

"Okay, what do you need?"

"Can you come into my room?" Hermione nods and we walk silently into my bedroom. She shuts the door and I sit on the bed and wonder how to explain to her what I've done. She comes and sits next to me, glancing over at Dora briefly before apparently realising that I am the issue that she is needed for and not the baby.

"What is it, Lavender?" She asks gently. I sniff and try and hold back the tears as I undo my robes and pull my arms out of it, Hermione gasps when she sees the patches of blood. "Lavender, what happened?"

"Seamus…he…he saw the words! He saw them!" Tears start to roll down my face and Hermione looks confused at my words. I explain what happened and finally she seems to understand.

"Oh Lavender, we need to get Madam Pomfrey."

"No, please Hermione! I've been doing well, please!" I whisper although I'm not sure why. Hermione bites her lip looking uncertain.

"Let me at least get Fleur then?" I think back to the French witch's reaction to the parchment and shake my head. "Lavender, I have to get someone, Fleur will understand I'll explain it to her."

"You'll… you'll explain?" I ask. Hermione nods and I let her leave to get the teacher.

Dora starts crying as soon as Hermione leaves and I realise she's due a feed. I grab a bottle and pick her up. The blood has dripped down my arms and is now on her Babygro and her face. Hermione can take over when she comes back.

After five minutes of feeding her I start to feel dizzy so I move up the bed to lean on the headboard so that if I pass out Dora won't roll too far. I hear footsteps outside the door and then it opens and Fleur runs in.

"Lavender? Are you alright?" She asks.

"He… he saw the words…" I mumble, and then pass Dora and the bottle to Hermione. "My blood… not hers…"

"Okay, I'll clean her." Hermione says, moving away and sitting at the end of the bed.

"Drink this and zen I will clean zee wounds with Dittany." I take the potion and recognise the taste and sensation of blood replenishment. Fleur takes the bottle back and then lifts another bottle and takes the lid off.

"Show me, please." She asks. I start with my arms and then move onto my legs. She gasps when she sees one wound above my left knee. I had picked at it the other week so now it has been assaulted twice. The dittany drops onto the wound and I hope with all my heart that the word will fade but it doesn't.

"Why won't it go?" I ask, tracing the word lightly with my finger despite the tingling feeling of repair.

"Et is a cursed word, like your back." I look at Fleur and then feel around to my back, I try and find the scar left from the splinching but I can't, I can just feel the marks.

"No… no… I thought…" I sob and Fleur puts the stopper back on the Dittany and puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Lavender? What is it?"

"I splinched myself, I thought… I thought some names… were gone, I thought they were gone!" I don't know why this upsets me so much, it's not like the names being removed makes the men un-rape me but I feel so disappointed that all the names are still there.

I'm sobbing so much that I only vaguely hear a knock on the door, Hermione must have answered it because suddenly McGonagall and Pomfrey and Weasley are there, Fleur is explaining to them what happened but I'm too upset to feel betrayed.

McGonagall sits next to me and I know she's talking to me but I can't hear her over the sounds of my own sobs. When they finally subside I feel ashamed of them.

"I'm sorry." I sniff, wiping my face with my bloody sleeve.

"Don't apologise for being upset." She says firmly, I look around at Pomfrey and Weasley.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"We need to talk to you about something. Hermione, could you take Dora into the Common Room for a moment?" Hermione obeys and I look at Weasley and notice how pale he has become. Pomfrey also looks uneasy so I look down, knowing I'm not going to like what they have to say.

"Lavender, we read the testimony and I have seen the memories." I look up at McGonagall.

"All of them?" I ask, amazed.

"Yes, you've been writing for a few days remember?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Yes well, there was something in the testimony that we need to discuss with you."

"I thought the Minister would bring the questions?"

"He will, this needs to be dealt with sooner though."

"What is it?" I ask, looking at my hands and picking at the dried blood.

"It's about your wand."

"My wand?" I ask, completely surprised. I look for my wand and find it on my bedside table, I reach for it but McGonagall interrupts me.

"Not that one." My hand pauses, inches from my new wand and I look up at her in confusion.

"I lost the old one, I'm not sure when." I whisper although I'm not sure why. McGonagall perches on the edge of the bed and behind her Fleur does too. Weasley and Pomfrey remain standing.

"I saw in the memories that they…they used it…" It's so unusual for McGonagall to be hesitant and I don't like it, she's supposed to be strong and to always know what to say. I look over at Weasley and hope that he can articulate the problem better.

"Do you remember how they used your wand on you, Lavender? You did write it down." I feel my blood run cold as I realise what he is referring to. Why on earth would they want to bring that up?

"I don't want to…" I begin but McGonagall interrupts and her voice is firm again.

"We have to Lavender, it's very important."

"Why?" I ask, looking away from all of them and towards my bathroom door. I feel sick.

"Can you remember how long your wand was…inside you?" Pomfrey asks, swallowing as she finishes. I shake my head but don't look at them.

"You can't remember at all?" McGonagall asks.

"Why does it matter?" I ask, my voice quiet.

"Did they use the wand in you for the entire seven months?" Asks Weasley, I look at him because it's such a strange question.

"I…I can't remember…it's hard to figure out the order of things."

"You can't remember if they used it towards the end of your captivity? When you must have been pregnant? Or the whole way through?" He asks, I shake my head and then look at Fleur who has gone quite pale.

"What is it? Why do you want to know?" I ask, turning to McGonagall who is not looking at me.

No one answers me and I start to panic, if Weasley wanted to know if they used the wand when I was pregnant than is it something to do with Dora.

"Dora?" I ask, in a strangled voice, Pomfrey looks up at me and looks on the verge of tears.

"We don't know, Lavender."

"Don't know what? Tell me!" I ask, sitting up straighter and looking at the nurse.

"It is possible that the built up magic could impact her development."

"What? But…but she's fine…" I look over to the empty crib.

"Not her normal development, but her magical development. She may have more power or, she may be a squib, we won't know until she's older but we will monitor her closely." I feel myself sag in relief, I don't care if she's a squib!

"Is that all? I thought she was going to be…crazy or something!" I say with accusation in my voice, how can they scare me like that? I look around at them all and see that they are still looking uncomfortable. If it's not Dora that they are worried about then…

"Me? If it might have impacted Dora after only a few weeks it must have…" I look up at Pomfrey and she nods. "Am I going to lose my magic?" I ask.

"We don't know, Lavender, we don't know." I look over at my wand again. My spells have been weaker lately but I've been tired and stressed.

"I want to take a blood sample to test what your magical reserves are." Pomfrey says, McGonagall gets up and gives the nurse some room. "When we know what your levels are we can work on a treatment plan, I'll speak to my contacts at St Mungo's, I'll make it a theoretical question."

"No one can know about this, Lavender, no one. Not even your friends." Says McGonagall and I look up at her. "It's important, if it gets out that you may lose your magic you'll become a bigger target."

"But…the Ministry will see the memory."

"I'll speak to Kingsley about it, we may have to edit the memories that involve it."

"I don't understand… if my wand was…" I hesitate because I don't want to say inside me, the others nod in understanding so I carry on, "how will it get rid of my magic?"

"It's about how you responded to the wand, Lavender. It hurt you, correct?" Weasley asks, I nod, it was agony. "But you couldn't do anything about it, you couldn't remove it so your body was fighting against your wand, against your magic."

"I… I tried to… charm it out… I did…" I say quietly, remembering the fear. Carrow knew that I couldn't do any spells without causing internal damage. I look at Pomfrey who is just finishing taking the blood from my arm.

"When will you know?" I ask, she looks up.

"I'll get the results by the end of the week but… Lavender even if they results show no problem it's unlikely that it will remain so. There is no way that this will not impact your magic, it might just take time to show itself. Have you noticed any change in your spells?"

"Yes but… I didn't do magic all summer, I thought I was out of practice and tired and things."

"It might just be that but I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst. Magical loss can take years."

"Is there anything we can do?" Asks Weasley, Pomfrey looks at him and then back at me.

"We can manage the symptoms and give magical transplants when things progress but it will be painful, very painful and most people give up their magic after a few years." Weasley swears and turns away.

Fleur takes her husband out to calm down and Pomfrey leaves to deal with the sample, McGonagall stays and sits on the bed.

"I didn't know it would…hurt me in the long term." I say quietly.

"I am sorry Lavender, I know it's a lot to take in, but now we know we can keep an eye on things. I saw all the memories, you are a remarkable young woman, Lavender." I look at her and shake my head.

"I'm sorry you had to watch them, Professor. It must have been hard."

"When you want to talk about what happened, especially with the torture sessions, come and find me."

"Have you told them?"

"No, although I know they would not blame you." She stands up and the way she looks at me reminds me of the charm so I look away.

"They should blame me, especially after the other day."

"Lavender, you need to start forgiving yourself."

"I need to stop doing things that warrant forgiveness." I say, turning away from her. She stays for a few minutes but does not say anything.

I wait until the door closes before I start to cry. They took my freedom, they took my body, they took my friends and my future, and now they will probably take my magic.

* * *

A/N So we're only a few chapters away from the end now, there will be a sequel and it will involve romance…

Next chapter; Kingsley has difficult questions and Seamus and Lavender sort things out.

I'm still looking for a new beta!

Allen Pitt- Yep just a couple of chapters to go and then they'll be a sequel where things become fluffier.

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks.

witchprincess33- Lol, I get it. Angst is fun to read!

Luna- Thanks.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

The following week passes like a fog. Dora's colic is worse than ever and if she's put down for more than ten minutes she starts crying. To their credit the other Gryffindors haven't complained once, now all of them apart from Seamus are perfectly happy to hold her for a while if I'm doing work or having a nap. Even Ron seems to like comforting her which has surprised both me and Hermione.

It's Friday afternoon now and I'm in Care of Magical Creatures, Ron and Harry are with me and they both seem to be listening to Hagrid intently so I try to as well, I'm the one who has to sit the exam after all.

"…take a Crup exam within two weeks of buying one. Anyone know what you have to show the Ministry?" The half-giant asks, looking around at the small class. Hannah Abbott puts her hand up and he nods to her.

"You have to show you can control them around Muggles, and they have to check that the forked tail has been docked."

"Right you are, ten points to Hufflepuff. So…"

"But couldn't you just vanish the tail, if you didn't want to dock it?" Asks Harry.

"They test fer that, pureblood fanatics used to do that and then take the pups into Muggle parks and let them loose. Ministry's hot on it now. Now, I want you each to pick a puppy and look after it fer one week." Hagrid disappears into his cabin and reappears carrying a box which I'm presuming contains the Crups. I try and supress a groan, I've already got a month-old baby and now I'm supposed to look after a puppy. Hagrid walks around the group and the other students pick their animal enthusiastically. When he reaches me there he laughs slightly.

"Don't worry Lavender, you've got enough ter look after! I'll set you a project, we'll talk bout it on Monday." I smile at him in relief but the moment is broken when Boot snorts.

"Are you really going to start again, Boot? As I recall you didn't fare too well last time!" Snaps Ron, Boot looks away and then Ron looks up at Hagrid. "Can I look after one?" He asks, peering in the box.

"Course yeh can, only fer a week mind!" Hagrid said, Ron smiled and leaned into the box and picked out a light brown puppy, it licked his face happily.

"Do we just have to keep them alive, Hagrid?" Asked Boot.

"I want yeh to keep a journal about their food, habits, sleeping patterns, stuff like that." Hagrid replied, putting the box back in his cabin.

"I don't have to do it, do I?" Ron asks, looking put out. I smile as Hagrid tells Ron that he's exempt from the written portion of the work.

Then class ends and Ron, Harry and I start making out way towards the castle. We are joined, halfway across the grounds, by Luna who looks like she just came to us by accident.

"Hi Luna. How are you feeling now?" I ask, still feeling guilty about the severity of her injuries. She still has a large scar on her neck.

"I feel the impact of Mars on my balance…"

"I think Lavender meant after the attack." Harry interjects, I look and Luna looks surprised.

"Oh, I've recovered with a wonderful sense of my own mortality!" She says brightly before turning around and walking towards the lake. We all stop walking and look at her retreating figure.

"Always good value!" Says Ron, with a smirk on his face.

"She just…" I try and think of the words I can use to describe Luna, "…doesn't care what anyone thinks does she?"

"Not even a tiny bit, that's why she's always happy." Says Harry, we carry on walking and reach the Common Room within minutes.

Harry gives the password and before Ariana has opened wide enough for us to get through I can hear Dora screaming.

"Brilliant." I mutter sarcastically. Harry helps me through the portrait hole and Hermione is holding Dora and looking rather frazzled.

"Oh, you're here! She's been…Ron what is that?" Hermione asks, as her boyfriend comes through the portrait hole carrying the puppy.

"It's a crup, I would have thought you'd recognise it Hermione, you got an O in…"

"I know what it is! I meant why do you have it?" She walks towards Ron and passes Dora to me on the way. Harry and I glance at each other and then both walk away from the couple.

"I don't think they'll ever stop arguing." Says Harry as we sit on the sofa.

"You'd probably miss it if they did." I reply, bouncing Dora.

"Yeah, probably. Listen Lavender, I've been meaning to ask you something."

"What?" I ask, immediately nervous. Dora quietens but I keep holding her just in case.

"It's about Ginny. Are you angry with her?"

"No, why?" I ask, Ginny must have noticed my change in attitude towards her, I've tried to keep my face neutral around her but I've clearly been failing.

"She thinks she's upset you or something, you'd been avoiding her. She understands about the charm but…"

"Harry, just tell her I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I can't explain it to you, I just find it too hard to be around her. It's nothing she's done, I promise." Harry looks confused so before he has chance to respond I stand up and take Dora into my room.

I hate that Ginny's noticed but she's not stupid and clearly I'm not a great actress. I stay in my room until dinner and even when I know the Common Room will be empty I don't feel like eating. I work on my crochet, I've actually mastered all the basic stitches this week and I'm hoping to make a patchwork blanket for Dora.

I'm counting stitches when there is a knock on the door. I jot down the stitch number on a scrap piece of parchment before I tell the person to come in. I expect it to be a teacher and I'm not mistaken.

"Good evening Lavender, could you come into our apartment please? The Minister is here and Poppy would like to speak to you." I nod at Fleur's words and put my crochet back in the box. I pull on my slippers and more over to the crib. Dora is sleeping soundly but she'll need feeding soon. I put the charms over the crib and I've nearly closed the door when she starts crying.

I sigh and go back into the room, dispelling the charms I pick her up and grab a bottle.

"Is she due a feed?" Asks Fleur.

"Yeah, she's been grouchy all day though." I reply, as we walk through the Common Room Fleur spots my untouched dinner tray and mutters something in French before going to pick it up. I consider telling her I'm not hungry but decide that it's not worth the battle. She opens the door and I follow her through to the apartment.

McGonagall and Weasley are talking by the dining room table and Pomfrey, Shacklebolt and Mr Weasley are all sat in the longue pouring out tea. When Weasley and McGonagall see me they both move over to the sofas, McGonagall conjures more armchairs and I take one, not wishing to sit next to anyone tonight.

Fleur puts the dinner tray on a conjured table in front of me and then holds out her hands for Dora, I look at her expression and know she will not let it go so I pass the baby and the bottle to her.

Fleur sits down and it takes a few moments for her to quieten Dora enough to feed her. I pick up my fork and take a bite of fish, it is delicious in spite of my lack of appetite. After a few more bites the Minister clears his throat and I look up.

"I have seen the memories and witnessed your testament Miss Brown, I must say how incred…"

"Don't." I say, looking at my plate, I put down my fork and wish I had Dora to keep my nerves steady.

"I just…"

"Kingsley, move on. What do you want to see Lavender about this evening?" I'm thankful for McGonagall's interjection but I still don't look up, and I don't resume eating.

"Very well. I have established a sub-committee, there are seven members, Amos Diggory is the chairperson and Arthur here has agreed to liaise with the group, he will not be involved in the Carrow cases though." I glance at Mr Weasley, that seems odd. He's the Head of Muggle Relations, why is he involved in this? I notice that he looks tired and he has bags under his eyes, he hasn't slept.

"We will start viewing the memories on Monday, Lavender, and I'll come and see you next Friday with any questions that we come up with. Is that alright with you?" His eyes are kind and I find my gaze dropping, this could destroy him.

"Lavender?" Asks Weasley, I look at him. "Is that okay?" I nod and then look back at my plate.

"There's just two questions I have now." Says Shacklebolt, I nod but don't look up. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

"The first is how did you get out of the room, in the battle?" I look up but not at anyone in particular.

"I don't know."

"You can't remember?" What's the difference between not knowing something and not remembering it? Just because you don't remember something doesn't mean you were never told.

"I don't know." I repeat, dropping my eyes to look at him.

"What can you remember? Of the battle."

"Breathing." I reply without even thinking but it's true. I was just concentrating on breathing. They look confused and I realise I need to clarify. "It… it was hard to breathe. I was just thinking about breathing."

"Can you remember where you were?"

"No, Greyback was…" I subconsciously scratch at my neck and try to suppress the memory of him licking up my blood.

"Hermione blasted him off me and…then Tonks fell on me and then…" I look at Weasley, we have never discussed the battle. I'm grateful when he speaks.

"I found her near the Hall, Ginny had found Tonks' body and I moved her off Lavender and then carried her into the Hall."

"Can you think about your last memory in the room?" Shacklebolt asks and I shake my head. Even if I could find the memory I don't want to.

"Well, have a think about it. The other question is how did you know you were still in Hogwarts? That you weren't in another castle or old house?" Before he's even finished asking I glance at McGonagall, her expression is guarded.

I overheard her telling the other teachers about me hearing her teaching so I know the memory was in there, why has she withdrawn it? Is it for an important reason or is she just ashamed?

"I could just tell, and the stone was the same." I reply, wondering if it will hold. Shacklebolt seems satisfied and he nods and stands up.

"Right, well that's all I needed for now. The rest of the investigation will be through Arthur but I'll keep an eye in things and come along if I'm needed." He says goodbye to everyone and then leaves. Mr Weasley stays and his son pours more tea.

"Eat your dinner, Lavender." Pomfrey glares at me so I obey her and have a few mouthfuls of mash potatoes. Dora is still feeding happily. I let the conversation was over me for a few minutes and then the absence of chatter has me looking up and I realise I am expected to respond to something.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening." Mr Weasley smiles and I'm pleased to see it reach his eyes.

"I was just wondering if you'd like to come to the Burrow on Sunday, Molly would love to see you." I stare at him for a few moments after he's finished speaking and it seems like my mind is foggy all of a sudden. I drop my gaze and shake my head.

"I can't, I'm sorry." I hear someone sigh but I can't tell who it is, only that it sounded female. I don't look up and concentrate on my dinner. When I have cleared half the plate I am defeated so I put down my knife and fork and look up. Mr Weasley has left and Weasley is just sitting down again.

"Oh, sorry I didn't hear him leave." I say, feeling bad for not saying goodbye.

"He didn't want to disturb you, he'll be back next week though." Weasley says. Dora finishes the bottle and I hold my hands out, Fleur glances at my plate but passes her over regardless.

I start burping her and then hold her so that she can look over my shoulder, she seems fairly content. I look at the others and realise they are waiting for me.

"What is it?"

"I have had the results from your blood test." Pomfrey says, I nod and she continues. "There is some evidence of magical loss but it is not advanced yet, you won't need treatment at this stage."

"Okay." I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel so I don't want to say too much.

"I'll check the levels in a few months but in the meantime the best thing you can do is to look after yourself. Sleep and eat, try not to worry too much."

"Will it stop me losing my magic?" I ask, bluntly I know. Pomfrey hesitates before she answers.

"It may do, this is an under-researched phenomenon Lavender. There are only a handful of people alive in the world that have lost their magic but the circumstances here are unusual and probably unheard of. It was not someone else purging you of your magic, it was your own body rejecting it. Professor Dumbledore and the other heads are trying to find any comparable cases but so far they have not found any."

"I thought we couldn't tell anyone?"

"The heads are forbidden to speak of it, they are physically incapable of discussing it with anyone outside of this room. No one can know about this, Lavender, no one." McGonagall looks quite serious and it frightens me, will I be that weak without my magic, am I stronger with it?

* * *

I wake drenched in sweat and shaking, I lean over and vomit, Dora is screaming but I'm still throwing up, after a few moments Weasley rushes in looking frantic.

"Sorry Lavender, I slept through the charm, are you alright?"

"Dora… please…" I choke out, he moves away and picks her up. I pull my legs up and hug them, still feeling sick but managing to control it.

"Shh…that's it…there's nothing to cry about…" Weasley bounces Dora and her cries start to settle.

"What time is it?" I ask, sniffing and wiping my face on a flannel that I keep on my bedside.

"Nearly four. Are you okay?" He perches on the corner of the bed. I nod but then sob and shake my head.

"It's never going to stop is it?" I ask with my head in my hands.

Weasley appears to choose his words carefully and I'm grateful for it, I don't want false promises.

"You'll never be the same as you were before, these things change people but…it will get easier."

"Easier to forget?" I ask.

"Perhaps, or easier to remember."

"When I think back…to before…it's like I'm remembering someone else, someone who I used to know." Weasley nods and then I think back to Friday. "Did your read about how I knew I was in Hogwarts?"

"I did." He looks uncomfortable.

"Why was it taken out?"

"I don't know, Lavender. You should talk to Professor McGonagall about it. Why didn't you want me to see the memories?" I look at him and realise that he deserves a reason.

"I… I don't want you to think badly of me… there were times when… I gave up. I'm ashamed of what happened then." It's all smokes and mirrors.

"Did you tell them to take Ginny?"

"No!" I say loudly, insulted beyond belief.

"I would understand if…"

"No! I never once told them to take anyone else! Never!" I'm so angry that Weasley looks surprised and backs away slightly, still holding Dora.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I was just trying to understand." He says calmly, I try to control my anger but I can't, I feel like I need to break something. I get out of bed and run into the bathroom, needing some space. I see my reflection in the mirror and slam my fists into it, my blood spreads through the cracks but I keep punching it.

Weasley runs in behind me, without Dora, and grabs hold of my wrists but I keep fighting him, I've never known an anger like this.

"I…never told them to take Ginny! Never…" His grasp on my wrists is firm and I recall the chains in the room.

"Lavender, calm down! I'm sorry!" I keep thrashing against him and I can hear more footsteps, McGonagall arrives with Pomfrey and Fleur and the anger expands as I look at the Headmistress.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO….PROTECT ME!" I scream at her and I can see she's frightened but I don't care, Weasley is still holding my bleeding wrists and now Pomfrey is moving forwards presumably to restrain me further but my eyes are focussed on McGonagall.

"YOU WERE JUST TEACHING!" I can see tears on McGonagall's face but they only make me angrier, I need her to stay strong while I scream at her.

"I'm so…"

"NO! YOU WERE JUST TEACHING! YOU NEVER EVEN CHECKED…!" I feel a sharp pain in my leg and my mind is suddenly confused and memories surface that I've been trying to bury forever. My wrists are being held and I must be in the room. My legs buckle and someone catches me and lifts me off the floor but I won't be passive anymore.

"GET OFF ME!" I push firmly against my attacker and we both drop to the floor, the back of my head hits something solid and I see stars, then I see nothing.

* * *

"…like the stages of grief, Bill."

"For Flo, or Parvati?"

"No, more for herself, who she used to be. I have been expecting an angry outburst for some time."

"Warning would have been nice, Poppy." Weasley's voice has a pained quality to it, like he's wincing but I can't remember why. My hands are sore and my whole body feels heavy, like there's water pressing down on me.

"There you go, just don't drink alcohol for a few days and I'll take the bandage off on…Thursday."

"Thanks, sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you."

"I know, perhaps I should have warned you. I'm just going to go and find Minerva, let me know if she wakes, it was a strong potion though." I hear Pomfrey leave the room and then someone else move.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not too much, don't worry." Weasley reassures his wife and the events of the past few hours flood back into my mind. The realisation is followed, swiftly, by shame. I should never have got so angry with Weasley, and I doubt McGonagall will ever forgive me.

I wonder if Pomfrey is right, if I am grieving the loss of my former self? It makes sense in a way but… part of me hates that person, her greatest fear of being unpopular, or ugly. Was I really that shallow?

I try to open my eyes but then give up and then the potion carry me off again.

* * *

What feels like days later I open my eyes and it's daytime but I can't be sure which day, it's so hard to keep track of the days when the nights are so horrible.

"Good afternoon, Lavender. How are you feeling?" It's Fleur and as I look around to her I see that she looks exhausted.

"You look tired."

"Ze baby is moving a lot, sleep is difficult at the moment."

"Oh, where's Dora?"

"Sleeping, I just gave her a dose of ze colic potion and she has settled well." I try to sit up and find that my limbs are still slightly heavy but manageable.

"What time is it?"

"Just gone two."

"What day is it?"

"Sunday, Bill has gone to ze Burrow but I did not feel up to the Floo today."

"Is he okay? Did I hurt him?" I recall the earlier conversation that I overheard.

"He will be fine, he banged his head, as did you." I reach behind and find a large bump, tender to touch but I'm surprised it's not more painful. "Poppy has put a pain relief charm on it, you cracked your skull but you will be fine. Your hands won't scar either." I look at my hands and see that they are both bandaged but not painful in the slightest.

I want to ask about McGonagall but I don't want to discuss what I screamed at her. Fleur clearly knows what I am thinking.

"Don't feel guilty, talk to her."

"I can't…I…" The tears start to fall and I brush them away, I need to toughen up. "I want to start eating in the Hall again." The abrupt nature of my wish seems to take Fleur by surprise and she appears to think for a moment before nodding.

"Very well, I zall tell Minerva. Poppy would like to see you later, I will tell her you are awake."

"Thanks." Fleur stands and is nearly at the door before she turns back to me.

"Don't think zat by returning to ze hall you will become just another student now, some changes are permanent Lavender, sometimes you can't go back."

"I just want to be… normal again."

"Lavender, if you are always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be." The door closes behind Fleur before I've even realise that she's left.

I stay in bed for another ten minutes with Fleur's words floating around my head. I doubt I can ever be amazing now, the future had never scared me before last year but now it positively terrifies me. I stand up and walk over to Dora's crib and look down at my sleeping daughter, she is the only future I care about, hers, I couldn't care less about mine.

I have a long shower and then change into jeans and a stripy jumper before venturing into the Common Room, Seamus is there alone working on an essay. He glances up at me and appears to freeze.

"Hi Seamus." I say, sitting opposite him.

"Hey, do you want me to go?" He replies nervously.

"No, what are you working on?" I ask, putting my own Ancient Runes work on the desk.

"Charms." He says, looking surprised by my actions.

We work silently for a few minutes and the Seamus puts his quill down and I look up at him.

"Lavender, I miss you. With Parvati and everything I…I just want us to be friends again, for things to go back to normal." That word again 'normal'. Does Seamus crave the normality as much as I do? I doubt it but I can see the desperation in his tired eyes so I nod and try a smile, it seems foreign but it appears to convince him. He looks on the verge of tears so I try humour.

"Alright, you big sissy, no need for tears." Teasing had always been the foundation of my friendship with Seamus and it seems to convince him and he laughs.

"Right, I'll man up! Now, can I hold the baby?" I laugh and Seamus smiles more.

"When she wakes up, she's been a bloody nightmare this week."

"I know that, I do have ears."

"Rather large ones too I might say."

"Coming from the girl with the tiniest feet known to…"

"Leave my feet out of this, they are not small!" They are, I'm only a size three but I'm still hoping for a growth spurt. We exchange banter for a few more minutes and then return to our work. Seamus is pleased to hear that I'm going to be eating in the Hall again and offers to escort me this evening. I'm nervous but reassures at the same time. In spite of the difficult past with Seamus I know have, I know I'm safe with him.

* * *

The next week passes like a blur. Dora's colic seems to weaken and she starts to get settled into a routine. I'm surprised and secretly thrilled to find out that Hagrid gave me an O for my Care of Magical Creatures Dragon essay but the work in my other classes is not going well. Worst of all is Transfiguration

Eating in the Hall is strange but easier than I thought it would be, there is usually whispers when I arrive but they dissolve quickly, the other Gryffindors surround me like a shield.

It's Friday evening and I'm having dinner, Neville is next to me worrying about his upcoming date with Hannah and Hermione and Ginny are trying to reassure him. Weasley is watching Dora and Fleur and McGonagall are at the teachers table.

My relationships with the staff this week have been strained to say the least. McGonagall and I have only conversed about Transfiguration and she even gave me a detention for not completing my essay in time. It's tonight and I suspect that McGonagall will finally broach the subject of the panic attack, I'm dreading it.

Fleur has been in and out of the hospital wing all week because of sickness and Weasley has been worrying about her so I've been avoiding them. Pomfrey looks at me with pity and I hate it, it's like she can see the magic draining from me, like a river getting ready to run dry.

"Lavender, have you finished? I'm heading back." I look up at Seamus and nod.

"Yeah, I've got detention later and I want a bath before it."

We climb over the bench and walk out of the Hall quickly.

"Do you have Dora in the bath with you?" Asks Seamus, he has been surprisingly interested in Dora. We walk slowly as the corridor is deserted.

"No, the water would be too hot for her, I bath her in a bowl every other day, actually she needs one tomorrow if you're that intrigued." Seamus starts to reply but then we hear footsteps behind us and we turn, it's Padma.

"Lavender, wait!" She calls, I stop but look at the floor.

"What is it?" I ask, not unkindly.

"I just wanted to talk to you…" She starts to cry and Seamus looks quite alarmed, I look around for a seat and spot one of the window benches and guide Padma over to it.

"Okay, what is it?" I say, still looking at the stone floor.

"I…I…" She breaks down and Seamus looks at me, he has never been good with crying girls.

"I'll see you later." He practically sprints out of the corridor and as soon as he turns the corner I remember what Weasley said about not being alone, I'm not alone though, Padma's here.

"I just miss her so much, Lavender! I don't know what to do…I hate it!" She wails.

"I'm sorry Padma, I don't know what to say. I miss her too."

"Do you?" She asks, "Do you really Lavender?" I try and look at her but I can't.

"Of course I do, I just…I just can't cope with everything at the same time. I need to try and separate things otherwise I feel like my head will explode. I'm just trying to focus on Dora and…"

"So you just forget her?"

"No! I never said that! I just…" Padma stands up and I look at her, she looks both devastated and angry, her eyes are tired and furious.

"Well not everyone is as cold as you!" Before I can say an anything else she turns and runs off in the direction of the Ravenclaw Common Room.

I stare after her for a minute, wondering how I could have handled it differently, but then Weasley's words come back to be so I stand up and start walking.

I haven't been alone in Hogwarts since before Dora was born and the castle terrifies me, it seems scary now like it never did before.

I walk around the corner by the library and past the Arithmancy Classroom and then a sharp blow to the back of my hand forces me to my knees with a cry. I wonder for a moment if it is simply the charm that Pomfrey applies each morning wearing off but then I feel hands grab me from behind and a wand on my back and know that this is serious.

"Stupefy!" I don't even have time to place the voice before the darkness consumes me.

* * *

A/N So we're nearly at the end of this story, I'm working on the sequel and it's a lot more cheerful.

Next chapter; The staff resort to drastic measures to keep Lavender and Dora safe.

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks!

witchprincess33- Indeed I do.

Bookwormkat1- Yes, there's one chapter to go and then the sequel is much lighter.

Luna- Thanks.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

I walk into the Eight Year Common room feeling both guilty and determined, it seems to be my consistent emotion at the moment. I will never forgive myself for Lavender's fate but I am determined to make up for it now.

I knew giving her a detention would seem overly harsh but I'm getting nowhere with attempting to converse with her in our lessons, it's like she doesn't even hear me. Since the outburst last week she has not looked at me but I can see the guilt in her eyes when I look at her.

"Good evening, Professor McGonagall." Hermione Granger looks up from her book and smiles at me.

"Good evening, Hermione. How are you?" It's been a strange transition to start calling the oldest students by their first names but with everything they've all been through it's not like we can start treating them as children again, or even students.

"Excellent, thank you. How are you?"

"Fine, I was looking for Lavender, she has a detention." Hermione looks surprised.

"Oh… she didn't tell me. I haven't seen her since dinner, she's probably having a nap." I will feel even worse about punishing her if she is having a nap, she's not had a good week. Hermione puts her book down and walks towards the bedrooms.

I look around the room, the boys are all involved in a game of Exploding Snap in the far corner of the room. Neville appears to be losing and I fight a smile with difficulty, some things never change.

Hermione returns and looks quite concerned.

"Is she asleep?"

"No, she's not there, I checked the bathroom as well. Dora's not there either."

"She's probably with Dora then, Bill has been watching her, thank you for checking. Enjoy your evening." I cross the Common Room and enter Bill and Fleur's apartment.

They both appear to be in the middle of marking. Fleur looks exhausted and I make a mental note to offer to take a few of her classes, Bill has a sleeping Dora next to him on the sofa and he looks up at me as I enter.

"Minerva, everything okay? I thought Lavender's detention was eight."

"It is, I've come to collect her." They both look up at me with a shocked expression and I feel suddenly ill at ease.

"Zee is not 'ere, Minerva. We have not seen 'er since dinner."

"I've been waiting for her to pick up Dora, is she having a nap?"

"No, she's not…Hermione checked." I can feel the colour drain from my face. Bill stands up quickly and Fleur follows suit before casting charms over the baby.

We all return to the Common Room without discussing it. The game is still going on, Fleur runs to the room to check for herself and I walk over to the boys.

"Where's Lavender?" I ask, without preamble.

"I've not seen her…" Starts Harry but Seamus interjects.

"She was talking to Padma, she's been a while though. I left her at half six."

"You left her where?" Asks Bill, Seamus looks up from the cards and seems to guess that he may be in trouble.

"Umm…fourth floor corridor. Padma was upset so I…I left them alone. I forgot."

"Harry, the map." Says Ron, Harry nods and runs out of the room.

"You left her alone?" Bill asks.

"No, she was with Padma…I'm sorry I didn't think, I'm not good with crying girls!" Finnigan defends. Harry returns and spreads a rather detailed map of Hogwarts across the table, I recognise it from his father's days.

"Where's the Ravenclaw Common Room?" Asks Neville, I search for it and scan the names, Padma Patil is alone in her room.

"Crap!" Mutters Seamus under his breath. Harry makes to turn the map over but I stop him and search for the Transfiguration Corridor.

"There!" Says Hermione, I realise that she has more experience with this map than I do. I follow her finger and my heart freezes.

"Fuck!" Exclaims Bill and I want to mimic him. Lavender Brown, back in that room.

* * *

I open my eyes slowly, my head is throbbing but I can't remember why, I try to pull up my hand to see if I have a bump or wound to explain the pain but my hand is bound. That is enough to panic me and I look around and all the air seems to disappear from my lungs.

I'm in the room, the faces are all there. Nothing has changed, I'm in the room and they will come. My breaths are hard to get and I try to sit up but there is a rope over my stomach. I look around but the faces follow me.

McGonagall.

Ginny Weasley.

Parvati.

Hermione is there but I don't understand how, it doesn't look the same as the other ones but it's enough to make me throw up. I turn my head to the side so I don't choke and Fleur's face appears making me gag.

I cough and try to keep breathing but the vomit in my throat is too hard to clear. I try to bend my knees but my ankles are tied down.

They will come any minute and hurt me again, they will touch me and make me do unthinkable things and I will let them because I am weak and they are strong.

My breaths are heavy and unsuccessful and my vision starts to fade, I long for darkness or even death, anything but this room and these faces.

"Relashio!" My limbs are freed and I hear footsteps. I roll over onto my side and try and clear my throat, my head is throbbing like someone struck me with a beater bat.

"Lavender!" Weasley's voice breaks through the room and I feel him next to me, he hits me on the back to help me breath.

"It's okay, Lavender, you're safe now. Anapneo!" I'm not familiar with the spell but I clears my airway instantly and I gulp and try to take deep breaths but I can still see the faces, I close my eyes and the panic makes me feel like I'm drowning.

I feel Weasley lift me up and carry me and I cling onto the front of his shirt just for something to cling onto. The air seems to open up and Weasley lowers me again, I don't let go of his shirt and he puts his arm around me and holds me to reassure me. I hear footsteps but I keep my eyes closed.

"Get Poppy!" Weasley calls, still gripping me tightly.

"Lavender, it's okay now." It's McGonagall but I don't open my eyes and I don't release Weasley. I heave again and I have no idea if I hit anyone with the vomit but I hope I don't.

"Lavender, try to relax." It's Fleur and she sounds scared.

My breathing seems to get shallower and shallower and my grip of Weasley loosens and I feel someone lower me to the floor and rub my back. I can hear them speaking to me but it just sounds like noise.

I vaguely feel a potion slide down my throat and then the darkness I've craved surround me.

* * *

My hearing comes back first, probably because Dora is crying. I try to reach out towards the sound but my limbs are heavy and it makes me panic.

"Is she waking up? Lavender?" It sounds like Weasley and I try to respond to him.

"Lavender? Can you open your eyes?" I try to follow Pomfrey's instruction but I feel like me eyes are glued shut.

"Is she waking up?"

"She's struggling to fight the potion, the magic is…." Pomfrey's voice fades.

* * *

My eyes open quickly, too quick for my brain to process and the brightness makes me close them again. I'm in the hospital wing and it's so bright. I open them again slowly and my eyes adjust better.

I look around and see Fleur asleep in an armchair next to me. I hear footsteps and then Pomfrey arrives at the foot of my bed and picks up a clipboard to read before glancing at my face and noticing I'm awake. It makes her jump slightly but then she looks relieved.

"Oh, Lavender, how are you feeling?" She asks, putting the notes down and walking up the bed. I don't reply to her but tears spring to my eyes and they seem to answer her question.

"I know, dear." Pomfrey says, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching down to hold my hand. The tears keep coming and at some point Fleur wakes up and suddenly I'm hugging her although I don't remember sitting up.

When the tears finally subside it's dark outside, perhaps it was hours or perhaps it was only minutes. Pomfrey adjusts my pillows so I'm sat up and Hermione arrives with Dora. It's only when she passes her to me that I realise how much I'm shaking. It wakes Dora up and Fleur takes her off me. Hermione sits next to me and talks to me but I can't hear her over the sounds of my own head, my own thoughts.

I know I can't stay at Hogwarts now.

* * *

"Lavender, can you remember what happened?" McGonagall's voice is gentle and I turn to her. It's evening and McGonagall and Weasley are sat with me, Fleur has taken Dora to put her down and Pomfrey is in her office.

"I… I don't want to stay here…" I reply.

"Madam Pomfrey wants to keep you here until Monday…" I look at McGonagall and know that, unlike Weasley, she understood what I meant.

"Please? Please let me leave?" I beg, McGonagall closes her eyes for a moment and then nods.

"I'll speak to Kingsley tonight, we'll find a way."

"Minerva?" Asks Weasley.

"I can't stay at Hogwarts, Professor….I can't get…I can't get better here." I explain, he looks confused but then nods.

"Can you tell us what happened though, Lavender? Can you remember how you got in the room?" McGonagall asks, sitting down next to Weasley and looking old all of a sudden.

"I was talking to Padma and she got upset and ran off. I was just passing the library and…" I reach around and find a large bump of the back of my head. "Something hit me from behind and I fell forwards, I could feel a wand in my back and someone stunned me. I can't remember the voice…I don't think I recognised it. I woke up in the…but there were new faces there…I…I don't understand…Why were the faces there anyway?"

"The Ministry asked us to leave the room untouched, to show the Wizamgamot. I saw the new faces, we should be able to track who created them, the charm was not as realistic as…"

"It was realistic enough." I say, interrupting Weasley who looks apologetic.

"I'm sorry Lavender, I didn't meant it like that. I meant the charm was not as advanced. I'm sure Filius will be able to track the student." I nod and lean back on the pillows, I'm still shaking but I can't seem to stop.

The next time I look up McGonagall is the only one there.

"I'm so sorry, Lavender, I'm so…"

"It's not your fault, it never was Professor. None of it, I shouldn't have shouted at you, I'm sorry."

"I will find you somewhere safe, for you and Dora, I promise." I nod and she leaves to be immediately replaced by Pomfrey who looks distressed.

"Lavender, we have a problem."

"Just one?" I ask, trying to stop my hands shaking. Pomfrey doesn't reply so I look up at her, she looks almost tearful. "What is it?"

"I believe that this event may have impacted your magic, you had an unusual reaction to the calming potion. I'm going to test your magical reserves…"

"Don't bother." I reply, feeling quite certain.

"Excuse me?"

"I don't want to know, Madam Pomfrey. I don't want to discuss it again, what will happen will happen and there's nothing I can do about it."

"But…I can arrange treatment…"

"No, I want to disappear, maybe losing my magic will help with that." Pomfrey argues with me for a good half an hour before I yell at her and she finally agrees to let the matter drop. The offer of treatment will, she insists, always be there but I know I won't use it. Magic is a part of me that I have lost, just another casualty of war.

* * *

"Lavender, wake up!" I open my eyes to see McGonagall and Weasley, it's still dark so I'm confused and immediately fear the worst.

"What? Is it Dora?" I ask, groggily.

"No, we're getting you out of here, now."

"Now? What time is it?"

"Three in the morning. Kingsley's got a portkey waiting. Can you walk?" My limbs are unresponsive and I nearly fall out of bed. Weasley helps me and we exit the hospital wing quickly.

"Why are we going now?"

"We'll explain when we get there." Weasley says, helping me to walk. We reach the apartment and Fleur is awake and holding Dora who is dressed and asleep. Mr Weasley and the Minister for Magic are also there.

"Quick, it's leaving in two minutes!" Shacklebolt says, holding a book which must be a portkey.

"I'm coming with you Lavender, just to explain." Says Mr Weasley.

"But, where am I going?" I ask, this is all very fast.

"We can't say but…Lavender you will be safe there, we…" McGonagall stops, looking unsure.

"It's the only way Minerva." Says Shacklebolt.

"I know but…I have to tell them, if not they will feel terrible!" McGonagall snaps.

"I don't understand."

"Lavender, we are going to fake your death." Says Weasley, bluntly.

"One minute."

"What?" I ask, fake my death. I seems drastic but then I realise, they are freeing me.

"It's the only…"

"What about Dora?" I ask, cutting through Shacklebolt.

"Adopted abroad perhaps, we have more time with her. People won't expect to see her."

"You have to tell the other Gryffindors, Seamus will…"

"Thirty seconds."

"We'll be in touch, we've packed all your things, Arthur has them." McGonagall suddenly reaches out and hugs me and I realise I'm still shaking. "I'm sorry, Lavender." She whispers and I nod.

Fleur passes Dora to me with tears in her eyes and then gives me a quick hug.

"Ten seconds, get ready." Shacklebolt passes Mr Weasley the book and he holds it out to me and I take hold of it, still with no clue as to where we are going. I look up at McGonagall and Weasley and Fleur and feel the tears roll down my cheeks, what can I say to them?

The blue light starts from the portkey and I grip Dora tighter and look up at the teachers.

"Thank you." I see McGonagall give a slight smile and a tear rolls down her own face and then the pull around my stomach makes me grip Dora tighter and I close my eyes.

I will be free, even if that means I am no longer Lavender Brown.

* * *

A/N So that's then end of The Deal, I will post the sequel within a few weeks. Can anyone guess where she's going?

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx- Thanks!

LUG-14- It's a mystery!

Nightshroud92- Lol.

Allen Pitt- Any idea where she's going?

Bookwormkat1- Thanks, the sequel is much lighter!

witchprincess33- I know, I'm mean!


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